


The 100: Winter is Coming

by lainathiel



Series: A Hundred Storms [2]
Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Best Friends, F/F, F/M, Family Drama, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, M/M, Major Original Character(s), Minor Original Character(s), Multi, Old Friends, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Other, POV Female Character, POV First Person, POV Original Character, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-18 19:49:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 44
Words: 131,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5941012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lainathiel/pseuds/lainathiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When they defeated Mount Weather, they thought the battle was over. No one told them another battle comes right after, and it's the one fought inside their minds. Because when you're no longer fighting for your very life, what are you supposed to do with yourself?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to ''The 100: What Makes Us Human, Makes Us Weak'' and it's set in the three months before the 3rd season and also during the 3rd season. It follows Tasha's personal story as well as other original characters, and will be more independent of the show. I suggest at least skimming through the first fic before reading this one, to get more of an insight into original characters and their back-stories.

Almost a month has passed since Mount Weather. Another week or so and we'll enter month number two. I know, because I've been crossing out the days. I don't know what day or month it is, but I can count and engrave tiny _X_ s into the metal behind the Ark, which is something I've been doing religiously. Every new X means we've pulled through another day. _I_ have pulled through another day.

We buried Fox and Maya two days after the massacre, leaving the other corpses to be cleared out a day or two later when we were properly organized. We made sure that Maya's dad rests next to her, taking care that anyone who's helped us has a proper burial as well. The amount of lives we took that day only sunk in once we started hauling the bodies out. I vomited more than once, not quite sure if it was because of the corpses or because I was so traumatized by it all. Either way, it was too many corpses to bury, so most of them were burned. 

It was nasty business, and it was probably the last slam that hammered the reality in. When we got back home we tried not to look back as much as we could, but clearing out the dead that day really slapped the reality of it into our faces once again. Nightmares riddled my sleep for days after that, except that they were no longer nightmares now that I was so used to them, I didn't wake with a start or in cold sweat or cry in my sleep. It was just dreams, because reality had been so much worse.

And then my father died three days later, in Jackson's caring hands. He was in pretty bad shape to begin with, and he was helped as much as he possibly could have been helped. Yet I still somehow hoped against hope that he'd pull through. The possibility of him dying just wasn't there; it wasn't an option. So when he did die, it hit me really hard. 

He was all the family I'd had left. And on top of that, I finally _truly_ realized that it had been luck and barely any skill that had kept me alive thus far. And I realized that I'm not invincible. Any day now, any moment, I could die. It's like before dad died I half-thought we were being protected and looked after, by God or something else - the damn universe or whatever. Like bad things just wouldn't happen to us - not the two of us. And then dad died and it struck me like lightning that the universe doesn't give a shit about me, or any of us.

So I may have left Mount Weather, but it's never left me. It refuses to.

I can't help feeling it's my fault. Maybe if I hadn't gone with Lexa, dad wouldn't have gone after me. He wouldn't have died in terrible pain inflicted upon him by those monsters. Lincoln's told me what became of Cage, though no one's seen Emerson since that fateful day. I hope he's dead. It's not like the Mountain Men really ever knew how to survive out there - _really_ survive. So he's probably dead. If he's not, then I pray to God he crosses my path.

The guilt, on top of everything else, has been literally killing me. I am not myself anymore and I'm perfectly aware of that. I can hardly stand people - speaking to them is a chore, boring, tiring, mentally exhausting. I want them not to look at me, not to talk to me, not to act like nothing's wrong when I can see the pity in their eyes and the disgusting tact with which they approach me. I can't stand the way most of them just sleep, eat, do their chores and sleep again, like the world is normal, like our lives are okay. I can't fucking stand it.

''You need to let it out, or it will destroy you,'' Abby told me once, and I don't even remember what kind of venom I spat back, and I know whatever I said probably wasn't fair at all, but at least she's left me alone since then. Well, not quite alone, that wouldn't be Abby's style; she's always around, somewhere, keeping an eye on me, silently trying to help with things. But she hasn't outright insisted I talk, or do anything. So it's something.

I pushed Bellamy away. I feel like the moment dad died, I started withdrawing into my cocoon; but it wasn't long before I drove Bellamy completely away from me. I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt him, to hurt us, but I can't be with him when I can't even be with myself. If he was me and could see what's going on inside of me, he would understand. And maybe he does. Because I know he'll always be there for me, regardless of everything, just like I'll always be there for him. I have no family left, and I guess he's the closest thing to a family I've got. Even though I've hurt him. Even though I've pushed him away. I told him not to worry about me, but it's been almost a month and he's checked on me every single day up until I told him to really leave me the hell alone and move on. I'm alright, I said. I am not, I thought. But he finally left me alone.

Raven gave me a whole talk about that, but ever since I pointed out to her that she's pretty much done the same with Wick, she hasn't said a word. She doesn't bother me much with things at all, for which I'm immensely grateful. She's just silently there, sliding me over a glass of moonshine when I look like I really need it. And I need it way too often.

That's about all the company I can stand, really. Raven, and Nathan and Octavia. Nate and O don't make me talk too much either, they don't insist, they don't push, they're just sort of there, and I can deal with that. I can appreciate that. 

Half the time it's like Octavia's not even in camp, really, like she lives in a world of her own that she shares with no one but Lincoln. I don't think she really feels at home here, even now. If Lexa hadn't ordered Lincoln killed, I expect they would have been on their merry way days ago now. But they can't move. Or not yet, at least.

I would include Jasper in that group of people, but it's more like _I'm_ the only company _he_ can stand. He barely talks to anyone, and when he does he's spiteful and bitter and mean and hurtful. Except to me. And maybe Octavia. Because I was there with him, when his world collapsed, and Octavia was ready to fight through an army to save Maya. I think that's what keeps us in his good graces, and nothing else.The rest of the world is dead to him. He's really not anywhere near okay.

Most of the time nowadays he's drunk. I drink with him, because it helps, but I keep my limits. He, however, sometimes drinks himself into a black-out. And for now I don't dare take the alcohol away from him. If it's helping him deal at the moment, I do not dare. If it gets worse, we might have to do something, but for now, we all let him. And it's usually me that hauls his drunk ass to a cot so he can sleep it away. He's miserable, but I'm hopeful he'll pull through. He has to.

I've thought about what Abby's said, about letting it all out. It's true I haven't shed a tear since we buried my dad. I know I should have, or at least I should cry now, but I'm hollow, completely emptied out. I know Abby means well, but I don't know what she expects of me. I can't recognize my own damn self, and truthfully I never asked for this, any of it. It's not a choice, this personal hell of mine. I'd much rather just be okay. But I'm not. And I don't see how I can just change that with a snap of fingers. Abby's a doctor, a chancellor, and now apparently she's trying to be a mother to all of us orphaned. It makes me furious, her goodness, her insisting to repair the world, to make everything alright. She can't; can't she see that?! Clarke's gone, and I doubt any of us want to indulge her right now by letting her take care of someone instead of her own damn daughter.

 _Bon fucking voyage, Clarke._ The more I think about it now, the more I'm angry. How could she?! She's not the only one that's had to make a hard decision; she's not the only one that pulled that lever that day. Bellamy's not only done as much, but he's also had to live for _days_ in that mountain, eat with those people, talk to them, sleep among them. He watched their children go to class every day. He's been through much, much more, and he didn't get to run! There wouldn't have even been a lever to pull if Monty hadn't re-programmed the whole thing; but did he run?! No, he faced it. He's still facing it, just like Bellamy. _I_ didn't get to run the fuck away! Oh how I'd like to be somewhere else, with Rand in the east or with Murphy wherever the hell he is right now, wouldn't that be just great?! But I can't. I would never, ever run. Maybe Jasper and I will drink ourselves into our graves, but we won't run.

And it's Arkadia now, not Camp Jaha. We've not only renamed it, but really organized ourselves to start repairs and we've expanded and re-modelled some areas and we've hauled back some of the Mount Weather spoils and it all looks much more like a home now. It's kept me busy, if nothing else. The work's still in progress, and the buzz around me is keeping me sane.

We can't take too much out of Mt. Weather though, for fear of breaking our alliance with the Grounders. If they think we're colonizing the mountain, Kane says, all hell might break loose. I don't see what alliance he's really talking about after Lexa's betrayal. It's only an alliance in theory, and the only thing it ensures is we're not at open war anymore, but I don't think that really stands on solid ground either. After Mount Weather, how can anyone trust Lexa to keep her word?

But I don't have it in me to think about that. I usually just spend my days shooting arrows and helping Raven around with whatever. Her leg is worse each day, her hip hurts, and her limp worsens, but she'll never admit it. I won't pressure her either, so I just silently try to help around, because it's painful to watch her struggle. When Raven's in the workshop, Wick isn't. When Wick is there, Raven makes sure to be somewhere else. It's ridiculous. But we all deal with things in different ways.

I can deal with it all. I can deal with days, I mean; it's the nights that are terrible. I've been sleeping in Nathan's tent since dad died, and I think now's the time to either give dad's tent away to someone else or just move into it already. Except that I can't move into it. I've avoided it like the plague, and it's stood there, empty, ever since. 

And now, I think, I should go and deal with that. Now is as good a night as any. So I close my eyes, take a big breath, and make three strides before my fingers touch the flap of the canvas. Then I pull it open.

It looks like he's just left the tent this morning. The blanket on the cot is all crumpled, like he didn't have time to tidy it this morning when he woke up. There's his thin jacket on the floor, the one he exchanged for the warmer one before we marched on Mt. Weather. The jacket, too, is crumpled. I kneel down to take it, and when I do, I dare not bring it any closer to me for fear of imagining that it still smells like him. This jacket is all I have left from him. And I know I'll have to say goodbye to this tent, but tonight I'll sleep in it for the last time.

So I lie down, cover myself with the blanket, clutching my father's old jacket close to my chest. I remember our days back on the Ark. I remember his music collection, us listening together, me teasing him about his taste, the laughter, the knowledge he passed on to me. I remember the old movies we watched, the football games we had archived. I remember my first bow, his dance around the laws of the Ark so he could get the lumber from Factory Station, and the way he taught me, and how much fun we had. I remember his stories about my grandfather whom I never met. I remember the toys he had made for John when we were eleven, how happy he made him that day. I remember the way he loved my mother, the way they were still in love after fifteen years like it was their very first day. I remember the way he loved me, held me, kissed my forehead even when I was no longer a child. I remember it all and so much more, but I don't cry. I still can't. Instead I clutch that jacket until I drift off to sleep.

I wake up early - the sun is just coming out. With a bit of surprise I realize I've slept peacefully. If I've dreamt of anything, I don't remember it; and I've actually woken up to feel rested, which hasn't happened in a long while. It makes me feel reluctant to give up this tent, like my father's presence is somehow still here and that's why I've had a good night's sleep. But I know I have to do it. So I get up and take my dad's jacket and walk back across camp to where Nathan's tent is. 

I think I'm silent when I open his flap, but he still wakes up, though he squints like he can't quite keep his eyes open. When he realizes it's me, he pushes himself up on his elbows.

''You okay?'' he rasps.

''Yeah.''

''You sure?''

''Yeah, I just... Do you mind if I stay here with you a little while longer?'' I ask, crouching down to put dad's jacket into the bundle of my own things.

''Of course not,'' he grumbles, flunking back on the cot but turning on his side so he can face me, ''The tent's big enough.''

It's made for two people, actually, whereas dad's was a mini, like the one Octavia had. Someone's going to make better use of that mini tent than I would, because as much as I want to be left alone, I don't like the idea of being alone at night. I've grown so used to Nate's presence in the past days that I don't think I can go back to sleeping completely alone just yet. I've tried it for one night, to say goodbye, but it was like I wasn't really alone, like dad was still there, and I know I can't do that again.

''Thanks,'' I say.

''The sun's not even up, so why the hell are you,'' he grumbles, eyes closed, moving so he can make some more space before moving the blanket open too, ''Get back to bed before I shoot you.''

''Ooh, I keep forgetting you're a _guard_ now,'' I taunt, but not resentfully. I've learned to associate the guard's uniform with more than just Frank Nichols, thanks to Dwyght, thanks to David Miller, thanks to Marcus Kane, and so many good people who've worn it by now.

''Get in or get out, the cold's seeping in,'' Nate says, and even though I'm not sleepy anymore, and wouldn't be able to fall asleep now even if I was, I still remove my boots and get under the blanket. It's warm here and comfortable and Nathan leaves me alone without making me feel alone and I am not eager to go through another day just so I can scratch an X onto the cold metal behind the Ark at the end of it. I am not eager to spend another day just going through the motions.

When Nate's arm falls across my stomach casually, like he didn't quite do it on purpose because that's just not his style, I almost feel better. Because he does do these little things on purpose. And I may be hollowed out, but I appreciate it. Because Nathan Miller leaves me the hell alone without making me feel alone, and that is all I need right now. So I scoot closer and close my eyes, even though I can't sleep. There is another day to be faced, and I'd like to delay it as much as I can, if I can.


	2. Chapter 2

Day five of month number two. I almost feel proud of myself as I scratch another X with the tip of my knife onto the old metal panel behind the Ark. It feels like an accomplishment. I haven't exactly known what to do with myself, and in the past month I've been here, there and everywhere, stumbling from one task onto the other, keeping myself busy pointlessly, aimlessly. And now that I've finished all I've been tasked with these days, I have to find something else to do and keep me occupied. I'm afraid of what my mind will conjure up the moment I have free time on my hands and solitude to make it worse.

It's a truly beautiful morning. The sky is clear blue with barely a couple of white clouds here and there, and the fresh breeze seems to carry the scent of surrounding forest and morning dew. It's a bit chilly, but I don't mind. I like the morning freshness. 

Dad would love this day. He always did love Earth, even at its worst, and this morning, I dare say, she might be at its best.

It's still odd thinking about him. I do feel his absence, but it's as though it still hasn't sunk in that he's truly gone, as though I half-expect to just bump into him one of these days, like he was gone off somewhere on a run or a hunting trip but now he's back. Sometimes I will even mistake someone in camp for him, especially from a distance and if their back is turned toward me, and I'll believe it for a split-second and a heartbeat, and then I'll remember that Rick Parish is gone, and it can't be him.

I consider going on a hunt, even though we've pretty much stockpiled on food. It's more out of sport than necessity. I could use the walk, the familiar roaming through the woods, especially since we've barely left Arkadia borders ever since we got back, if you don't count the few Mt. Weather runs. I feel more confined than I've felt in a while, and I suddenly remember what it felt like to do time in the Skybox, even though it feels like a lifetime ago. And now I know I have to break free or I'll suffocate in here.

I take Freyja and sling the quiver of arrows over my shoulder. I've been shooting these days, but never at anything other than the wooden posts in the yard, so I'm almost excited to wet an arrowhead or two with animal blood. The hunt will keep me focused and keep my mind blank, and that's all I ever need.

It's a beautiful bow, Freyja is. I will never forget the man who made it and gave it to me, the man who saved my life and taught me so much of what I know. It's a simple thing, but strong and of quality, the curve taunt and the string almost sharp. Ornamental lines cross each other at the two tips, but that's all the embellishment that it has. I've thought about dolling it up further, carving something into it, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to change Rand's gift, and in the end it wouldn't be Freyja. This is her - simple but strong, silent but deadly, plain but beautiful. A goddess of war, if not love. She's saved my life so many times, she's almost a friend. So maybe she does love. Her swiftness has protected me, with her bloodletting she loved me. And it was Octavia's idea to give the bow a name, half out of joking and need for entertainment, but then I thought it does deserve one after all it's been through, so I named it Freyja.

Jonas and a guard whose name I don't know are on gate duty, so I tell them I'll be back around noon with an extra squirrel just for them if they promise not to make a fuss about me heading out alone. Jonas rolls his eyes, mutters something grumpily, tells me not to go too far, and opens the gate. And when the gate swings open and I take one step outside, I almost feel like my lungs are suddenly able to take far more air in.

The rustle of trees and the smell of the evergreens pacify me. The sounds of the forest let me get out of my own head, and I'm soon one with it all. No thoughts, no me, just the hunt. 

I've managed to lose a couple of hours by the time I'm back, and I've brought back a big hare and filled half my backpack with nuts. It's not much, but that was never the point. I ponder the possibility of making a warm cap out of the hare's hide and think about how doable that would be. After all, winter is coming.

''No squirrels, huh,'' Jonas says playfully, trying not to smile. I lift the hare up by its ears to showcase my meager pickings, and he makes a face that says it's still kind of impressive. Maybe because of the wound - the arrow pierced the hare's neck clean. It was dead before it was alarmed.

I leave it all in the kitchen quarters and tell Lyza - the woman basically runs the place - to salvage the hide if she can, it's a big hare and the stretch of skin and fur might be enough to be useful. She gives a nod and says she'll tell Josh to try and be careful. I don't know who Josh is but apparently it's his shift to deal with the food and dishes this morning. 

I grab something to eat and find a spot to sit down and finish it in silence and solitude. The dining area is just about empty - since it's noon it's too late for breakfast and too early for lunch, so it's just me and two other people here, sitting over on the other side.

Then Jasper saunters in, clearly drunk as per usual. He's not drunk off his ass though - his walking is under control and his speech doesn't seem slurred when he says something to Lyza. He walks over and sits at my table, across from me. I can sense the alcohol, but he looks better than he does all too often, so I guess he's just drunk enough to dull half the pain.

I push my plate away from me and to the center of the table. I know he hasn't eaten today; he doesn't eat much these days at all. And considering how much he drinks, I'm afraid someone will have to start forcing food down his throat. ''Eat,'' I say, and he doesn't argue the way he too often does, instead he just breaks off a piece of the cooked meat with his fingers and eats some. I'm happy I don't have to argue with him, so I do the same, and we eat in silence, sharing the meal until the plate is clean.

''Want more?'' I ask, but he only shakes his head with a frown. He looks a bit sick. I wouldn't be surprised if the food made him sick after what he's been doing to his stomach, but he better keep it down.

We stay seated even though we can't eat anymore. Neither of us has anything to look forward to, anything to make us eager to get up from behind this table. Jasper spreads an arm across the surface of it, then lays his head down on top of it too. I lean with an elbow against the table, my face resting on the palm of my hand. My other hand rakes through his long hair.

''You need a haircut,'' I say, my words a bit muffled with my cheek against my palm. He only makes some ''mhm'' sound which could be agreement but I'm betting it's leaning more toward ''whatever''.

''I'm cutting this thing off today,'' I say, tugging gently at the few strands falling down his neck.

''Mhm,'' he makes the sound again, his eyes closed like he's going to fall asleep right here.

''Oh, crap.''

Apparently I've said it out loud, because it makes Jasper lift his head up. When he does and sees I'm staring at something, his own eyes follow. It's Bellamy and Gina. Jasper looks back to face me, then pats the table just once before he starts getting up.

''Come on, let's go.''

I don't know if he says it because he still can't quite stand Bellamy or because he's trying to do me a favor. I have a feeling it's both. But whatever it is, I grab his wrist and pull him back down into his seat.

''We're not gonna leave the moment they've stepped in like we're running away from them,'' I grumble. He puts up his palms as though in surrender. ''Suit yourself,'' he says, before he leans back into his chair and crosses his arms on his chest.

I get up and order us a drink. No alcohol at noon under my watch, as much as I could use some right now, Jasper's walking the edge already. Even now as we're establishing the rules of trade in Arkadia, I'm pretty sure that hare could buy me meals for the rest of the day, so I help myself to two glasses of berry juice. We sip mostly in silence, almost forcefully chatting about irrelevant things, as I'm trying not to look Bellamy's way.

They're all the way across the corridor, at the table in the far corner. I've seen him with Gina over the past few days, and I'm happy that he's really moving on and feeling better, but I also can't help feeling hurt, so now whenever I see him even if it's in the crowd far across camp, I turn around on the balls of my feet and take the opposite direction.

I can't help feeling like a hypocrite, feeling both awful and glad. I love him, and I miss him, but I'm perfectly aware that I can't be with him, and I made that perfectly clear to him as well. Hell, I almost literally physically pushed him away the last time we talked about it. If I was him, I wouldn't even consider looking my way after that. He deserves the best, and he deserves to be happy, and he deserves someone who can be there for him after everything he's been through. If Gina is that person, then I'm happy for him. But I'm also torn apart at the sight of them.

The most ironic thing about it is how much I actually like Gina. She's a year older than me, and I remember seeing her around back on the Ark, but I never knew her back then. Down here's the first time we actually talked. She's very likable - friendly and kind and smart and funny. She and Raven have gotten closer over the past month, so I see her around the workshop a lot, and even though I'm pretty sure she knows Bellamy and I used to be together, she's never been anything but friendly and she's never made things even mildly awkward. I think we'd be friends if I wasn't in the state I'm in, and if seeing her with Bellamy didn't rip me apart.

''This is nasty,'' Jasper makes a face as he puts the glass down again.

''Yeah, after how much you've been poisoning yourself, I bet it is,'' I grumble, ''Shut up and drink.''

He takes another sip of the wine-colored juice, making another sour face.

I look to Bellamy and Gina. She pecks him on the lips before she stands up and leaves, and the next thing I know Bellamy is gathering up the plates and walking over to the boy I assume is Josh to dispose of them. Then he starts walking toward us.

I must have tensed, because Jasper doesn't have to turn around to figure out Bellamy's coming. And then he's at our table, towering over us, and when I look up to meet his face, I have to try and steady my heart because it feels like it will burst out of my chest. Jasper doesn't give him the honor of eye-contact though, instead he keeps on staring ahead, somewhere past me. Bellamy's wearing half his guard uniform, having shed the uncomfortable vest. The plain short-sleeved shirt he has on makes me want to touch him, but I remember that's not my territory anymore.

''You two,'' Bell says, ''You should meet me in D corridor in twenty.''

''Aye aye, captain,'' Jasper says flatly, sarcastically, still not looking anywhere else but ahead. Bellamy gives him a look that's a mixture of worry, pity and anger, before his eyes settle on me when I speak:

''Why, what's up?''

''Kane's gonna need all the help he can get with the mapping. We've been able to properly cover only two sectors in the past week, so if you're interested-''

''Sure, we'll be there,'' I cut him off with a small, tight smile that I know is reaching nowhere near my eyes. He takes a moment, as though taken aback a bit, gives a small nod, and walks away. And my heart sinks into my heals.

Exasperated, I bury my face into my hands with a sigh before I run them through my hair. I hate this. 

Now it's my time to pat the table and get up.

''Come on.''

''Where?''

''Let's see what this is all about,'' I say, already walking toward the door, ''And you're getting that haircut!''

*

Most of the kids we find in D corridor are kids that I know, kids from our Drop-Ship. Only a few are acquaintances from the Ark, and even if you didn't know you could probably guess who came with the first Drop-Ship and who didn't just by the person's demeanor. For example, one look at Monroe and you realize she's been here for a while, whereas there's something of a nervous aura about Macallan and the rest. Everyone's waiting for Bellamy to fill us in, and when Jasper and I take our places next to Raven, he steps up. Raven's leaning against the wall and I know her leg must be particularly bad today and she wouldn't be able to sit even if she wanted to. I don't know what to tell her since I know she won't hear from Abby or Jackson, but it still takes something from me to just watch her like this. I sit down on the floor next to her, making a mental note to figure out how to approach her about this later. Jasper sits down too, then lies down with his head across my lap. He can't bring himself to care, and he definitely can't bring himself to listen to Bellamy any more than he has to. He's a damn mess, but I just rake my fingers through his hair comfortingly, and I don't really know if it's to soothe him or to soothe me.

''You all heard Kane last week,'' Bellamy says in that leader voice of his, the one he always used to make his announcements. Folks nod here and there, but Jasper and I have barely any idea because when Kane spoke Jasper was hibernating with his headphones on while I tried to sort through a packet of Mount Weather spoils. Neither of us was in the mood to listen, but Nathan filled me in on the most important stuff later on.

''The alliance still stands, but it's fragile - it won't take much for the Ice Nation to break it,'' he goes on, ''We're to steer clear of them, but that doesn't mean we're not gonna go outside and look for our people. There may still be survivors out there, and there's a lot of ground to cover. We've covered and mapped out two sectors, but we need more people on patrols. I've recommended some of you,'' he meets my eyes when he says that, ''Because you know your way around these woods. And some of you have applied yourselves,'' he looks to Macallan and his friends, ''Which is appreciated, but we can't put you out there until you've had some training and experience. Either way, write your name down if you're in.''

He pulls out a notepad and a pen and hands it over to Raven who reaches out for it first, almost eagerly. He seems a bit reluctant to give it to her, but after a short moment the pen is in her hand.

''Abby doesn't have a problem with this?'' she asks as she scribbles her name down.

''After everything we've been through I doubt she still has her reservations,'' I say, still playing with Jasper's hair. He lifts a hand up in the air, and Raven hands him the notepad. He takes it, props it against a knee, and scribbles his name messily. ''T?'' he asks, and I say ''Sign me up'' and then he writes my name below his before tossing the notepad across the floor and letting it slide over to Harper and Macallan. 

I have a feeling like everyone's looking at us, even when they're not looking at us. We're the weird trio, the loonies, the broken ones. Maybe it's all in my head, but I can't shake the feeling that everyone shies away from us, that they think we're basketcases. And maybe we are. Macallan picks up that notepad with an odd glance at Jasper, almost like he's a bit afraid of him.

When it's all done, the small crowd disperses. Bellamy takes the notepad and walks away first, without a glance our way. Jasper pulls out his mp3 player - well, Maya's mp3 player - puts the earphones in, says a ''See you later'' and walks away, to report for duty if he's in a tolerable mood, to curl up somewhere and think about Maya if he's not. Either way, we can't keep him from it. 

When everyone's gone, Raven pushes herself off the wall and steps forward, and her leg gives into the pain, and she almost falls before I instinctively grab her and prop her up. She half-expected this would happen, I know, that's why she waited for all of us to leave, but Jasper and I have lingered. She curses under her breath before she lets go of me and stands by herself, and even as her jaw clenches determinedly I know she's in a whole lot of pain.

''You have to do something about this, Rey,'' I say.

''There's nothing to be done,'' she says, starting to limp away.

''You don't know that,'' I insist, keeping up, ''You should let Abby help you.''

''Like you let her help you?!''

''She _can't_ help me,'' I bite back, ''But she can help you. She's a doctor, let her do her god damn job.''

''Exactly. She's a doctor, not a miracle worker,'' she growls back, before she rushes ahead at a swifter pace, even with a limp, and I know I shouldn't follow her, so I let her go.

Maybe we are the broken ones.


	3. Chapter 3

If there's one thing to know about Nathan Miller, it's that he's a silent worrier. Those who do not know him might tell you that the boy doesn't care or worry about anything, but his friends know better. I know better. I've learned to read him, and at first it really surprised me to realize just how worried he is about Clarke.

He never says it. He rarely says anything; he will show what he feels instead, if you know what to look for. When we went on our patrol three days ago, he seemed almost as anxious to find signs of Clarke as I know Bellamy must be. And I'm angry as hell at Clarke, and kind of angry at Bellamy for not being angry at her, but I still hope she's safe. 

It's a strange thing - knowing someone since your foot first touched the Earth's ground. No matter what's happened between me and Clarke, she's just always been here, and belongs here with us, and going through so much with somebody binds the two people together whether they like it or not. I don't have to like it, but I'm bound to Clarke.

But who knows where Clarke is. And if she's somewhere deep in Azgeda territory, I'm not sure how much we can actually do to find her. 

Not that I'm thrilled about the idea of going out of our way to find her. She's the one that's left us, after all. I don't like running after anybody who leaves me so easily.

Besides on patrols - in case we stumble upon tracks - Clarke isn't really talked about. It's like this silent agreement, although everyone knows she's on most of our minds. Abby has been trying to keep it together - to keep everything together - but you'd have to be blind not to see that she's going through a personal hell of her own. It's kind of hard to ignore, the fact that Clarke just walked out into the wild, who knows where. 

And it's sure as hell hard for Nathan to ignore. I watch him fumble for his uniform pieces nervously, eager to get out there again. I can understand that eagerness; I much more like it out there than inside these walls myself, no matter the dangers. Or maybe exactly because of the dangers. This sudden safety seems unnatural, uncomfortable. I'm not used to it and I don't trust it.

"She probably doesn't want to be found," I break the silence, reading his mind - I know he's thinking about his gold-haired friend, "So it honestly pisses me off the way we're acting like trained dogs."

"Maybe," he replies as he buckles his belt, "But we don't turn our backs on our people, do we?"

"No."

"She sure as hell didn't."

And that makes me re-consider this whole situation for the very first time. No matter what's happened, Clarke never gave up on us. We might even owe this to her. And that's the thing about Nathan Miller - sometimes he'll slam some important realization right into your brain without him even quite realizing it. 

And in my anger and grief and crippling guilt, I have become blind to different sides of a story. I have become who I never was - someone who sees only one thing through a red curtain of anger, someone with tunnel vision, dangling off the edge of slow self-destruction. And I've been dangling for a while, not wanting to fall, but not quite having it in me to pull myself up. And I've been holding on tight to what I've known for the longest while, to the one thing that's been certain - anger.

"You clear my mind, Nate," I surprise him - I surprise even myself by saying it out loud. He pauses for a brief moment, before he turns around and barely gives a small smirk.

"Someone has to."

*

It's a bit colder today. The sky is clear and the white clouds are passing, but this chilly wind seems like it's here to stay for the day. I'm up for a quick, routine scouting of Sector 1 this morning, so I wear my dad's jacket beneath my own. It's warm and it makes me feel safe and protected, an illusion created by my mind from the threads of memories and mental associations. I know it, but revel in it anyway. It's bittersweet.

It's supposed to be just me, Octavia and Nathan, but since I'm determined to drag Jasper out with us, I've decided to leave Nate out of this one. I have no idea what's going on between the two of them, but I know they shouldn't be together any more than they already have to. Whatever it is, it has to do with Monty, and I dread the mere idea of getting in the way of it.

But we've worked out a sort of a system by silent agreement. When we're not all together as a squad, Monty's always on Bellamy's team whereas Jasper's on mine, or Octavia's. Nate's with me when Jasper stays back. It works. It keeps the tensions on a tolerable level.

But Jasper's been getting worse lately, and he needs this. And helping him distracts me from my own shit. So it's good for the both of us.

For a moment I re-consider how smart it is getting him out there and putting a gun in his hands in his increasingly worsening state, but I also know this is the only thing that can pull him out of the black oily pool of misery. He needs something to do.

So he comes along half-willingly. I almost have to literally drag him off his cot. He's not really drunk, but he drags his legs like he'd rather the Earth swallowed him right here and now. He grumbles something to himself I don't care to listen. But he follows. I'm still not used to him without the long hair, but it actually looks good shaved off like this. Not that he cares what he looks like. 

We find Octavia outside, next to the small pen we had made for Helios. She's patting him, gently brushing his mane as the horse eats. He's a beautiful stallion. She learned how to ride him in record time, and the horse listens to her so closely and is so sensitive to every nudge of hers, it's fascinating. I'm tempted to ask her to teach me. But I just don't have it in me to be excited anymore. So the thought stays unaddressed.

"You'll survive one day without him," I manage a small smile, "Whatever happened to a good ol' walk?"

"You're all just jealous," she teases with a half-smirk, "Not my fault you can't keep up."

"Yeah, yeah," I grin, gently but firmly pulling her away from the horse, "Let's get moving."

*

The walk is pleasant - it sure as hell makes living easier than being back at Arkadia. I like the chill in the wind. I like the calm. I like the scent of pine trees that the gusts of wind carry. I like the tiny howls. 

Not that Jasper can hear them - he has his earphones on again, as he walks a couple of feet behind us. Every now and then I instinctively turn around to check on him. I find him looking around but mouthing along to a song every time. _Well, it certainly could be worse_ , I think.

Octavia's been looking tense though. She's more relaxed outside and - knowing her - I get that. But she's more tense than usual. Back at Arkadia she either keeps to herself or to Lincoln, and I've barely spoken to her in the past month even when I had the chance. I know she doesn't really feel at home back at camp, but it feels like it's more than just that. Yet we barely talk anymore, so I wouldn't know.

Fuck, everything's changed, quite literally. _Everyone's_ changed. And I guess that was to be expected. And I guess that's why we're still trying to figure out how to keep everything going. Because we can hardly recognize anyone around us. Because we can hardly recognize ourselves.

''It's a good thing you dragged him along,'' O says when I take another glance at Jasper, ''He looks better.''

''Yeah.''

''Are you better?''

The question almost startles me. I meet her eyes now - the eyes that seem resolved and not backing out of this conversation. Again, we haven't exactly _talked_ about things since we came back, we were just sort of _there_ for each other, I guess, not explicitly addressing a thing. 

''Um- Yeah, I guess,'' I reply.

''Don't let them make you think you're a loon for what you're going through,'' she suddenly says, back to looking ahead now, ''You're normal. This is all normal.''

''Even Jasper?'' I want to chuckle bitterly and humorlessly, but it comes out as a huff.

''Even Jasper,'' she nods, pauses a long moment, then speaks again: ''You'll get through this. We all will.''

''I know. There's nothing I can't get through,'' I say honestly, and I know that I mean it, ''It's getting off this edge now that's tricky.''

She seems to understand what my metaphorical edge is, so I don't explain it further. She only nods and says a quiet ''I know.''

 _''Everything alright?''_ Bellamy's voice suddenly sounds through the radio, and my heart immediately starts beating hard against my chest, my face flushed with I don't even know what, but it's hot, and I hope my cheeks are not red like a crab's, _''You know I don't like this, two people teams.''_

''Yes, everything's alright, Bell,'' Octavia replies like she wants to roll her eyes, ''It's Sector 1 for God's sake, what do you need people for? Besides, Jasper's with us.''

 _''Yeah, that doesn't make me feel any better,''_ Bell retorts.

''We're almost done. I'll get back to you for the all-clear.''

_''Alright. Stay alert.''_

''He'll never change,'' Octavia shakes her head as she turns the radio off.

''Well, he _is_ your brother,'' I smile.

''He's been acting weird. This whole Clarke thing has him all wound up. And I feel like he's trying to prove himself to Kane, I- I don't know,'' she almost sighs, ''He's certainly staying occupied at least.''

''Well, good for him. He's got a job, he's got his days all planned out, he's got a girl,'' I say, and immediately mentally scold myself for mentioning Gina, ''Sounds like he's found his place under the sun. Which is a lot more than can be said for a lot of us.''

''Yeah, tell me about it,'' O huffs, ''He feels at home, I feel like I'm back in the Skybox.''

She's been trying to hide it, but now that she says it, it's really obvious. She hates it over there. Now that Arkadia is growing and getting more of a stable system within, it's starting to look a lot like the Ark. And Octavia Blake would rather die than live on the Ark again, even though she wouldn't have to get under any floors. The mere idea of the Ark is prison to her.

''Well, we need to keep working on finding a way to lift that kill order, so you and Lincoln can go wherever the hell you want.''

She turns around to smile at me - the first real, honest smile I've seen in a long while. Then, after a beautiful moment, it disappears again.

''I don't get it though,'' she continues, ''You and Bellamy.''

I feel a new rush of blood pump into my heart. And my cheeks, it seems.

''What about us?'' I ask, hoping I sound very casual about the matter.

''What do you mean ''what about you''?'' she frowns, ''You loved each other. And this - whatever this is - it's not what I envisioned for when we're finally home and back to safety. It was everything _but_ this.''

''Well, I didn't exactly _plan_ on being a mess myself, O,'' I say, sounding harsher than I planned, ''But shit happens. People die. You see a lot of shit you can't un-see. It fucks you up. You don't know who you are anymore.''

I feel guilty about snapping when she goes silent for a few long moments.

''I know. Sorry,'' she finally says, ''We're all dealing with stuff in different ways.''

''No, it's alright, I just- I have to figure out how to be with my own damn self before I can be with anyone else, you know?''

''Absolutely,'' she gives a nod, ''I'm just sorry about you and Bell is all.''

''Yeah, well, me too. But he's moved on, so that's good.''

''He's _trying_ to move on, you mean,'' says O, ''I mean, Gina's great. And he's really trying.''

''Well, they seem happy. And cute, quite frankly,'' I say honestly, ignoring the horrible stab of pain in my heart.

''Yeah, he's trying,'' she repeats, ''He likes her, but... Well, I know him all too well.''

I have no idea what she means by that and I don't want to ask at all. So I leave it at that. I'd much rather not talk about Gina anymore.

When we finish our scouting, we give Bellamy an all-clear and head back. As soon as we're back, Jasper gets lost somewhere, and knowing how much Octavia hates anything to do with official Arkadia business, the burden of filing the report falls on me. I don't really mind since I don't have much to do for the rest of the day. So I finish the boring stuff for Kane, grab something to eat, and go check on Raven. 

Sinclair's been keeping our favorite mechanic busy, which in turn seems to keep a smile on her face. She loves what she does, and it keeps her mind off her own plight, so it seems to be all she needs. When I go to the workshop though, Gina's there, and I instantly regret coming. They both welcome me with smiles, and I smile back hoping it doesn't look fake. I hang out for a while, but keep it short, not wanting to linger. When I leave, I hope it's not obvious I just didn't want to be in there with Gina. 

And on my way out, I bump into Wick.

''She in there?'' he asks.

''Yeah.''

''I guess I'll pick up the files in the morning then,'' he frowns, hands on his hips.

''You want me to go back in and fetch them for you?''

''Nah, no need. It can wait.''

''Where have you _been_?'' I ask him as we walk outside, ''I don't see you around much.''

''Actually, I've been finishing your dad's work,'' he says, then makes a face like he's eaten something sour when he realizes what he's said. But I don't mind.

''Oh, really? What?'' I ask, and he almost instantly looks relieved.

''Come on, I'll show it to you.''

We walk longer than I expected. Kyle takes me to the farthest corridors nearest to the place of impact where the Ark landed. But where I expect to see nothing but dark rooms with no electricity, I find functional space, all lit up. Only the last corridor is dark and deteriorates into rubble. Everything else has been salvaged. There are people, mechanics working on something still, as the lights flicker; and when I see a guy with half his body inside the Ark wall, metal panels off, it reminds me of my dad so much it almost stops my breathing.

''Well, I re-designed it, but he led the team. I honestly thought it would be a waste of time but lookie here. He's created more functional space than we thought we could use.''

Dad did this. It was his idea. I don't know what my chest swells with, but it swells. Pride, pain, nostalgia, love. There's probably something else in the equation too. But I know my chest is full. Wick's probably noticed, because he pats my shoulder.

''Certainly more people inside for the winter. I'm gonna try to do something about the heating too, but that's gonna demand a bigger power source, and anyway, I'm thinking too far ahead,'' he says, ''This is good. We've been trying to survive so long, we forgot about the basics. Winter is coming. And this, what your dad did... it's important work.''

I know, I think, but I can't say it. So we just stand there for a moment longer and watch in silence and in awe.

I've been trying to figure out what the point of anything is anymore and I feel a bit silly now that I realize that the answer might have been here all along. Because maybe the whole point of life is to make some kind of damn difference before you leave this God-forsaken Earth. 

Dad did, in however small a way. And I like to think the Universe will remember.


	4. Chapter 4

I try to take up as many patrolling shifts as I can. I volunteer and go on runs with every chance that presents itself. Sometimes, I'll do it in someone's stead. The less I have to be in Arkadia, looking after Jasper, watching him and Monty drift apart, seeing Bellamy and Gina, trying to ignore Raven's plight and watching Nathan worry, the better. Because none of that shit is helping me.

So I'm pretty much outside most of the time these days. And it's proved healthy for me. I try not to be on Bellamy's squad whenever I can make it happen, though. I know I wanted us to remain close - because together or not I know we can still always count on each other - but as it turns out, I'm not that strong. For now, I need to be away from him. Because he's moved on, and I haven't. He's tipped the scales. And I'm still hurting. Which is good, because it means I've overcome the numbness.

I am slowly making peace with the way things are. That day in the flickering corridors, Wick helped me do this without him even knowing it. I may not still be okay, and I assume that's probably a way off, but at least I'm slowly accepting my predicament. This is the way things are now, and that's it.

I've visited dad's grave a few times, but I don't do it often. So far I've done it because I feel like it's my duty as a daughter, not because I wanted to. I don't want to. What's the point? It's not like I can really talk to him, not like he's alive to appreciate the visit. And when I do go, it only makes me feel worse - like there's something pressing against my chest so heavy it might squeeze my lungs shut. But I don't cry. I wish I could; I try to make myself cry, but I just can't.

Sorry, dad. That's what crosses my mind when I think about this. Isn't it enough that I'll remember him? That I'll carry him with me until the day I die? Because he is a part of me. So is mom. Every person we've ever loved and that's ever loved us stays with us, even when they're gone. And my parents are two pieces of the big puzzle that creates me. They created my body, nourished my soul, influenced my mind. Wherever I go, they go with me.

As I said, I'm clearly making peace.

It's been a streak of tolerable days. At the end of the day I almost forget to go and scratch an X onto the metal panel. I consider that some mighty progress. 

But today I'm restless and nervous. I don't quite know why. The weather is dull and the skies are grey, and it seems to be affecting everyone's moods. If it starts raining heavily - which it most likely will - we won't be doing too much outside. We'll use a vehicle or two and I probably won't get to squeeze in which means I'll have to stay back and spend the entire day inside. I'm not looking forward to that, but even I know it's less because I'll have to stay inside and more because I'll have to stay inside with certain people.

Back in the Drop-Ship camp, I used to actually like rain. We'd scoot together either in tents or the ship and maybe we'd shield a crackling fire and we'd listen to the sound of raindrops hitting the metal and rustling leaves and grass and we wouldn't mind that much at all. Now, I don't quite like it as much. Among other reasons, I don't like it because it makes all of my old wounds ache something dull. Every bone I've ever bumped seems to irritate me at the sudden change of weather. I don't know what it is, but if it's the same for Raven, I'm not sure I want to see her today.

On days like this, I think of Murphy. Surely wherever he is the weather must be different, but he has to have had his share of rains, storms, even scorching heat. Where is he now? Is he okay? Has he made it to safety? Or is he lying in a ditch somewhere, accepting the fact that he's dying alone? That's a depressing thought. I push that one away immediately every time. And besides, I still have that feeling that he's alive and kicking somewhere out there. I know it's irrational, but I believe it anyway. He's a survivor, and I won't believe he's dead until I've actually seen it with my own eyes.

I go outside with the intent to use the time before it starts raining as best as I can, but I'm met with a breakdown of clouds. The skies have gone from grey to dark grey, and the rain didn't start slowly, it came all at once. It's pouring, huge drops hitting the ground and creating small pools and splattering mud at a swift pace. I curse, before making my way back inside. I see people rushing around the yard before I retreat, salvaging whatever they must. Nate's tent is waterproof, so I don't have to worry unless it gets windy as all hell. Even so, it's pretty well secured, and it's not like we have wealth and riches inside. The guns are not there, and that's all that matters.

There's a lot of people in the mess hall when I arrive. I spot Jasper sitting at the bar, sipping on something. He doesn't look any worse than usual, though I can't exactly see anything other than the view of his back. I spot a couple of other familiar faces, but everyone's mood seems sour. I don't really want to be here. There's too many people, too little fresh air. Macallan is playing some gentle tune on the piano, slow and broken at places, sounding like a lullaby. Even the sound of chatter is subdued. Somehow, the atmosphere feels like we're at a god damn funeral. I don't quite know why it upsets me so, why it makes me feel like I'm suffocating. I haven't felt like this in at least a week - I thought I was making progress.

I spot Sean at the table nearest to the piano. I almost release a sigh of relief at the sight of him - I do like Sean's company. There's something about his charming sense of humor and seemingly everlasting mischievous smirk that puts me at ease. With anyone else, it would probably irritate me in this state I'm in. But he's amusing. And being this close to the piano, the sound's direct and calming rather than eerie with the echo.

''Oh hey,'' he looks up from what he's reading when I sit down, ''Guess what I found?''

He lifts up the thin book to show me. It's a comicbook. I've never been particularly into those, and we didn't exactly have much back on the Ark except in digital form, but I can tell he's excited. There's a dummy grin plastered on his face.

''It's Deadpool,'' he says, like I can't read the big letters of the title.

''O-kaaay.''

''You don't like Deadpool?!'' he looks scandalized.

''What's a Deadpool?'' I ask, even though I know it's a superhero character. I want to poke fun because I like this banter. Besides, I really don't know anything about Deadpool past the stupid name, and Sean's really into it.

His mouth drops open - he looks even more scandalized - before he suddenly shuts his jaw and says:

''For the sake of our friendship, I am going to pretend that question never came out of your mouth.''

And I laugh. It's probably my first true, honest, whole-hearted laugh since... who knows when, and it sounds strange even to my own ears. It really does - like it's someone else laughing somewhere close to me. Sean's face lights up at the sound of it; he grins like a fool again. Then I feel a pang of embarrassment mixed with guilt, and the laughter slowly dies down. 

The giddy feeling lingers though, and I smile as I pull the comicbook to me, to see what all his fuss is about. I decide I like the drawings and the colors, but I don't even bother trying to get into the story. I just go through the pages.

''Easy with those,'' Sean puts a hand over one of mine, ''It's a hundred years old. Since it's survived the nuclear war, I sure as hell hope it survives you.''

I roll my eyes. ''What a drama queen,'' I smirk, and turn over another page. I am more careful this time, though. Sean says something about Deadpool I barely hear - he sounds so excited and passionate that it's all I can note. It's cute. I like the sound of him speaking, but I don't even catch the content. Who cares about a character called Deadpool? His giddiness though, it's contagious, and I can't help my smile.

And then I hear the violent clanking of metal hitting metal. The piano stops with a crude sound that makes me cringe. The chatter in the room stops abruptly.

It startles me; a breath hitches in my throat. My eyes automatically go to Jasper - he's flailing his hands about now, clearly drunk, slurring some sarcastic apologies. He seems to have turned over a whole row of glasses and a bottle of something now spilled on the ground. The girl in charge of the bar whose name I never really remembered is getting to cleaning up the mess, and the next thing I know Monty's crouching next to her, trying to help. The people slowly get back to their chatter, though they seem more quiet now. I never really saw Monty come in, but now I have a bad feeling, that nervousness settling in again. Jasper is too drunk and Monty is too close. 

Without even thinking about it, I get up and make my way toward them. And I'm right to do so because I can see Jasper say something to Monty and Monty trying to ignore it as he's helping the girl clean and the next thing I know Jasper shoves Monty's shoulder and almost tips him over as he's crouching down. I make my pace quicker. Jasper's still trying to provoke him, but Monty's still trying to ignore him. Another push. The girl cleans hastily. Monty ignores still. Jasper's voice gets louder this time, but I still can't hear him, and the next time he tries to push Monty, the boy stands up to face him. The girl scurries away.

''Hey!'' I call out, still a few feet away from them. And then all hell breaks loose, all at once.

Jasper grabs Monty's guard vest, pulls him to himself, gets all up in his face. Monty pushes him away, but Jasper shoves him in turn, and then he lunges at him, but I think he's too drunk to do any real damage until he throws a punch. I hear someone shouting; it breaks out like thunder. It's Raven, I realize. The boys are about to fall to the floor when Wick swoops in, shoves them apart. Monty falls down and then there's Raven next to him, struggling to crouch with her bad leg. I give Monty a hand instead. Nathan disables Jasper in three moves, has his hands behind his back. Jasper chuckles darkly; he doesn't care what happens to him. Nate is fuming with anger. When did he even run in? I don't know, but he's roughly pushing Jasper outside now. Monty is back on his feet, dusting himself off. Raven asks him if he's okay. He nods. I realize it's dead silence again. I look around to see people standing alarmed and still watching. 

''Get on with your day, nothing to see here!'' Sean shouts. I never noticed him follow me into the whole mess. Reluctantly and slowly, everyone seems to get back to their business. Nate comes back, but this time with Abby in tow. I look to him, but he shrugs. He didn't call her. She, on the other hand, is furious.

''What's going on here?!'' she demands, but instead of explaining, Nathan goes straight to Monty, checks on him, and leads him away. It falls to me and Raven to explain. I decide to sugarcoat it a bit. I don't want Jasper in more trouble than he deserves. Abby nods angrily, mutters something regarding punishments, before she storms away. 

It's just the four of us standing at the bar now, and I grab Sean's arm and lead him away because Raven and Wick seem to be communicating something silently to each other and I don't want to ruin the one chance. Sean's confused as I usher him through the room, but when we pass by our table he grabs his comicbook and mutters a ''Better play something cheerful'' into Macallan's ear. I catch Macallan's confused look before we're out.

As we make our way through the halls, I can still hear the sound of rain beating against the metal. It's still raining, but it might be letting up by the sound of it.

Once we stand at the entrance, I can see that I'm right - the rain's not as furious. So we find a dry spot beneath a metal ridge and we sit on two of the tree stumps and let ourselves relax. This is better, much better. The rain has a calming effect now, and I find that I like the smell of the earth when it's wet. It's definitely less crowded. Even though I can't see past the western area, I know the yard is empty except for the guards. I spot Monroe and Harper across, the moment Monroe turns around and waves at us. Once again I'm glad I didn't take up the mantle of a guard. They're absolutely soaked. Harper looks a lot better now, though. She had a particularly bad month of dealing with everything after Mount Weather.

''They're drenched,'' Sean reads my mind, sounding amused. But I think back to our Drop-Ship days, when I stood on the watch post. Back then it was necessary, and I even liked it on a good day. Back then, I knew what the point was. 

And then my thoughts drift right back to Jasper and Monty.

''I'm gonna have to go check on them later,'' I say, and Sean apparently knows who I'm talking about since he doesn't ask.

We don't talk much more as we sit there, Sean's eyes back on his comicbook. I try not to think about anything, but my mind is still invaded. By Bellamy - though I push those thoughts aside the moment they pop up. By Jasper and Monty - Jasper's probably under arrest for the night and it's not the best time for him to be alone, locked up or not, so I should probably go keep him some company. The guard uniform - Nathan's donned it, so why shouldn't I? I can't. I can't.

What is my place here anymore? The patrols? Am I really only at peace when I'm outside, in potential danger?

We sit until the rain stops. The clouds part too slowly; the greyness will linger for a while. It will soon be sundown either way. A day wasted, perhaps. 

As I make my way through the mud, I decide to go give Jasper his mp3 player.

*

''Is he okay?'' I ask Nate when I find him lying down in the tent we share. His hands are behind his back and he's staring at the ceiling, immersed in thoughts. By the look on his face, they can't be cheerful.

''If you mean physically, yeah, he didn't even punch him,'' he replies, ''His stupid ass was too drunk.''

''Good,'' I say, taking my boots off and sitting down next to him. The air is a bit humid here now, but I don't think any other spot on Earth will feel as much like home as this tent does. This is as close as it gets. 

I look at Nathan as his eyes are still glued to the tent canvas above. He looks tired and worried. I can read him like a book now, I've grown attuned to him. I realize we've grown closer in the past month than we ever could have back in the Drop-Ship camp. Sometimes I want to think about how he's probably my best and closest friend now, but I'm terrified of even forming that thought. Everyone I've ever loved has died or gone. I'm terrified of loving him the way I loved John, the way I loved Finn or could have loved him perhaps. So I don't think about it at all.

''What are you thinking about?'' I ask him, not expecting too many words. I know him too well for that.

''I don't know,'' he sighs more than says, ''The patrols?''

''We'll be back out there tomorrow for a new sector,'' I lie down next to him, ''Which means one night to sleep away and an hour for breakfast and gearing up and we're out there. That's in no time,'' I snap my fingers, like it's gonna be just a second.

And I manage to get a tired smile out of him. I sound like a child, but I know he's even more eager to be out there than me. This whole guard business, I think he just does it to pass the time in between. And also because he's never really thought about doing anything else, and because he wants to make his dad proud now. But he's restless and worried.

''I don't know if I'm more afraid of not finding them or finding them only to hear he's dead,'' he says after a short silence, and it honestly surprises me so much it almost knocks the air out of me. This open display of frailty - it's just not his thing. Usually you have to know how to read him to be able to get anything out of him.

But then again, maybe he's just fed up.

''We'll find the damn station, sooner or later,'' I say, and my heart aches, ''But I don't know who we'll find.''

''I know.''

''So try not to think about it. At all. Thoughts lead to expectations and expectations... well, they're dangerous.''

''I know.''

I place my hand over his. He moves it and interlaces our fingers. Staring at the tent canvas above like this almost lulls me into a peaceful state.

''And what if we do find him?'' he asks after a while. Another question I didn't quite expect.

''What do you mean? Then great!''

''No, uh, I- I mean, is it gonna be the same? Is it-? I don't know.''

''Nate, you've waited for him all this time,'' I turn around to look at him now, ''Are you kidding me? If that's not love that stands against everything then I don't know what is.''

''No, but what if that's not all it takes?'' he looks me in the eyes now. This is something that's really bothering him; his eyes are swimming with it.

''You're thinking too far ahead,'' I warn him with a shake of my head, knowing full well the boy he loves might very well be dead by now.

''So much has happened in the meantime,'' his eyes go back to the ceiling, ''What if I have feelings for someone else as well?''

He drops a bomb, but somehow I'm just not too surprised. Surprised by him expressing it, more like. And everything suddenly makes much, much more sense.

''Monty,'' I say. I don't ask. He keeps quiet, but it's enough of a reply to me. I take a moment, then place a kiss on his cheek. ''Don't think too much,'' I say, almost in a whisper. There is no way to comfort him. He gives a small nod in return.

''Kane was looking for you today, by the way.''

''He was? I've already told him I'm not wearing the damn un-''

''Maybe it wasn't about that. Also,'' he reaches for something below his backpack that's lying on the ground above his head, and pulls out something that looks like an envelope, ''This is for you. I just found it like that, right on the cot. No idea who from.''

I can't help frowning as I reach for the envelope. Who would do this? And what does it mean? Paper is precious, we do not have enough of it. Back on the Ark we could produce at a steady enough pace from the Earth lumber supply, but now we don't have the technology to make more, and every bit is like gold. It's thick too, filled with something, and when I finally take it, I realize there is an object inside. There is only one thing written on it:

_''For Tasha''_

So I open up.

There is a paper and a thin wooden frame-like object below it, I realize. I pull out the paper and read that first. It doesn't say much, but I recognize the handwriting immediately, and it makes my heart beat so fast I feel like it will burst. 

_''Happy belated birthday. It'd be a shame to let a perfectly good present like this go to waste._

_Bellamy''_

I swallow hard and put down the note before I reach for the frame. Somehow, irrationally, I half-know what I'm about to see. And when I turn it around, time stops. I see a picture of me and my parents, the only one my dad managed to turn into a physical photograph. 

I can't be older than four. For a moment, my mom's face seems so foreign I am almost startled, but then it all comes rushing back. Of course I know that face; I know it better than any other. They're both smiling. I'm sitting between them, holding a stuffed toy with tiny hands.

I've completely forgotten that Nathan's here. I turn over the framed photograph, inspecting the way Bellamy plasticized it and put together the wooden edges. All I'm really and actually doing is trying to breathe. One wrong breath and I will break down. I'm dangerously close to losing it.

I put the frame on the ground, make it lean against my backpack. I take Bellamy's note, and take another look at it. Then I fold it over and put it away.

And that's when I break down.

It comes out all at once. I feel Nate's hand on my shoulder, and it makes everything worse. I cry a waterfall, violent currents. It hurts so bad I feel like I might actually be dying. Nathan notices, because now he's hugging me, holding me to him, and I'm sobbing into his shoulder, shuddering, shaking, completely dissolving thinking how I've never felt this much heartbreak and never will again. How is this even possible? I'm dying. I feel like I'm dying. It hurts so bad. I am going to _die._

And as I cry I have no idea if I'm really crying for my parents, for my dad. Because I never really mourned Bellamy either.


	5. Chapter 5

I am grateful. More than anything. If I tried to put it in words now though, I would only sound like a stuttering idiot. When all the crying was done that night my chest was filled up with so much gratitude I didn't know what to do with it. Now I know I have to thank him, somehow. What Bellamy's done for me - the present he's given me - it's priceless, invaluable. And though we've barely spoken in days, I know what I must do.

As I gear up and sling Freyja across my back, I make sure to take Rand's old map too. The old, ragged thing is still helpful with our mapping process; he's made sure to write down things such as ''Ravine here!'' or ''Rocky landslide''. You don't find that kind of stuff on your usual maps. There are also old insignias such as ''Azgeda scouts'' or ''Mountain Men attacked here''. It's weird seeing that knowing that the Mountain Men are no more. None of them.

I don't allow myself to think about Mount Weather, and instead let myself think about Rand for a second. What's become of his life? Will I ever see him again?

''Ready?'' Nate's voice startles me when he pulls the tent flap open.

''Oh! Uh, yeah.''

''Come on. Raven's itching to get out of here.''

Raven's honking impatiently in front of the gates, and pressing against the gas pedal gently just enough to make the engine roar and hurry us up. I can see her grinning through the car window. These are the highlights of her days, when she gets to drive. And I'm just happy to see her happy, even if it's for a moment.

When we get into the rover though, I feel a twinge of disappointment to find that Bellamy's not with us. Today it's just me, Nate, Raven, Harper and no other than our very own pianist Macallan.

''Are you kidding me?'' I don't mean to be rude but it escapes me before I can help it. Macallan sits at the back nervously, awkwardly clutching a rifle I'm not exactly sure he can use.

''Said he needed experience and training,'' Raven shrugs.

''I'm pretty sure this isn't what we all had in mind-''

''Hey, I can do this,'' Macallan finally speaks up, ''I'm not some... blundering idiot.''

''Besides, don't worry. He's staying in the car should the need arise,'' Raven adds with a smirk in the rear-view mirror.

''Hey!'' the boy protests.

''She's right,'' I tell him, ''This isn't the idea of proper training. We've all been out there for months and we're still caught unprepared at times.''

I sit down next to Nate and Raven finally steps on the pedal and drives off. Macallan looks defeated and flustered.

''Tell you what,'' I say, ''You teach me how to play the piano, I teach you everything I know.''

His face lights up immediately, before he gives a firm nod.

It's not a big sector to cover, but Macallan is inexperienced and Raven is eternally injured, so when we get there I hardly dare split us up. When we do split up, I reconsider this for the first time because maybe we needed more people on this one after all. Raven's limp isn't as bad today as it sometimes gets, but it's still enough to slow her down should the need to run arise. Not that it should. Still, I don't dare tell her to stick to the car because I'm pretty sure she'll curse me back into space.

It's me, Harper and Macallan for the first part of the patrol. I figured it would be a fair distribution of skills. Taking the western perimeter, I take the van, looking for tracks, Harper is at my side, scanning the treeline, and Macallan is at the rear, and I could swear he's fidgeting.

''You okay?'' I ask him.

''Yeah,'' he says, ''Just... never been this far out.''

''Here's your experience,'' Harper says. And it gives me an idea.

''No, he's right about experience; the only way he can learn how to survive outside is by actually doing it,'' I say, ''But what if we organized training sessions?''

''What, you mean like the shooting squads with Kane?'' she asks.

''I mean like the hand-to-hand combat with Indra and her Grounders.''

Harper frowns for a second, and then her face shows realization and approval.

''I could ask Lincoln and Octavia,'' I add, ''I mean, I don't think O will be up for it but seeing as he can't even leave Arkadia I think it'll do Lincoln some good.''

''You should talk to Bellamy,'' says Harper, and I know what she means, it makes sense, Bellamy is basically Kane's second-in-command at this point and he would be the one to organize that kind of stuff, but my heart still jumps at the mention of it. I was planning to talk to him anyway. It has to be done.

''Yeah,'' I clear my throat, ''Will do.''

''A bunch of great ideas right there, you guys,'' says Macallan, ''But what exactly are we doing?''

I pat my back-pocket in response, where there's a folded map peeking out.

''No, I get that, but we've already mapped this area out, right? And not just this sector.''

''Right.''

''Why do we go over them again?''

''Because your inexperienced ass sure as hell isn't going on an exploration mission into unknown territory. And because everything further than Sector 7 is Azgeda.''

''What's the point of patrolling here then?''

''Aren't you in the mood for questions,'' I say, ''Routine scouting, Mac. We gotta do it. If there are any signs of anything out of order, best we see them right away.''

''Besides, if we can find anything new that'll lead us to Clarke,'' adds Harper, ''Then great.''

''Right,'' I nod, ''Which is why you're at the rear, my friend. If there are tracks, I don't wanna risk you destroying them.''

''Hey, I'm not that bad of a tracker, okay, I didn't fail my Earth Skills!'' Macallan defends.

''Didn't fail as in barely passed or didn't fail as in you did well,'' I grin, far too entertained by teasing him.

''I'm not answering that,'' he grumbles, and I laugh.

''Well, you're gonna learn now, '' I turn around to pat his shoulder, and then all laughter stops and our breathing seems to stop and our very limbs seem to freeze. The sound of a bullet tears us right away from our banter. The light mood evaporates in that split-second that it takes for the air to violently stop somewhere in my throat. 

Harper gives me a wide-eyed look, and all color seems to have left her complexion. And then my brain unfreezes and goes into overdrive. The sound came from the East. _Nathan and Raven._

And then we run. My two companions are running behind me, Macallan still keeping to the back, and all the possible scenarios run through my mind at the speed of light, my own mind on a good road to frightening me. But this time I'm in complete control of myself – cool and clear-headed.

When I think we're getting nearer, I slow down because I know we can't just run into the stew. Rifles cocked and arrow at the ready, we try to stealthily but hurriedly make our way through the trees. 

''Remember, guys - non-lethal response,'' I whisper, reminding us all, ''If you shoot, shoot to wound but not to kill.''

So much depends on this. Wrong person dead and the already shaky truce we have with the Grounders is shattered into pieces. Neither Harper nor Macallan give a response, but they don't need to. I know Harper understands the importance of this very well, but when you're inexperienced and scared and have a gun in your hands, you can get pretty trigger-happy.

''Macallan,'' I hiss, ''Do you understand?''

''Yes!'' he whispers back, clearly distressed.

So we keep on, and soon we can hear them. It's Raven's voice travelling through the air, and soon I can make out what she's saying too, and I curse myself for leaving two people together who can speak no Trigedasleng at all. ''Back off, and walk away!'' I can clearly hear her growl now, enunciating every word like she has a bullet for each one. 

And then we can see them too, in the clearing through the bushes. Raven and Nathan have both their rifles cocked and ready, and somewhere in the treeline opposite them are a few Grounders I can hardly see. Azgeda? They're not in my line of vision and they're obscured; I can't tell. But I know if we jump right out now, I might as well catch a bullet from Nate myself. I can hear the Grounders say something, but I can't make out what because they insist on speaking in a normal tone as though just to spite Raven who's growling like a lioness.

I know there's only one way to do this if we want to stop something that could potentially have irreparable consequences.

''Raven, it's us!'' I shout, Macallan cringes, and I can tell Harper's breathing is shaky, but I can see Raven whip her head toward us. Miller keeps point at the Grounders though, unwavering. ''We're coming out now,'' I announce again and stand up fully, my bow ready but lowered at the ground, and make careful steps through.

''Let's all just lower our weapons,'' I say when we're finally in the clearing, but when I turn toward the Grounders I can see there's five of them, and they're all pretty well equipped. Two have their blades in their hands already.

''Like hell we will,'' Raven growls, her eye on the scope of her FN SCAR, and my mind chooses to remember the time she looked exactly the same pointing that thing at Murphy, ''They were ready to kill us for the damn shirts on our backs,'' she adds.

''I think they understand now we don't have anything worth stealing or killing over,'' I say, pleading basically, but she stands her ground firmly, ''Right?'' I turn toward the Grounders, but neither has anything to say, and I could swear one has a playful smirk on his face. They probably think they could have us for dinner, and I wouldn't put it past them. They're big and probably quite skilled, and they're obviously rovers and outlaws with no allegiance to anyone so they wouldn't give a crap about breaking any truces. The laws of our peoples don't extend to them.

''Right,'' Raven replies instead, ''So all they have to do is walk away, and we're good here.''

This isn't going to work. We're at a stand-off and no one is budging. I'm the only one with my weapon lowered, and it's not enough, so I discard it completely. I take one step ahead to make sure the Grounders can clearly see me do it, and sling Freyja across my back.

''Ai laik Natasha kom Skaigeda,'' I put up my hands in front of me and speak louder, ''Chit yu gaf? ( _What do you want?_ )''

''Ah, Skai Kru,'' one of the men says, but I could swear he's almost fighting a smile. I know his tone is mocking. He's got a tattoo that goes almost across his eye – stops right below it only to continue above his brow. I would remember that tattoo have I ever seen this man before. I haven't, and I don't seem to recognize any of his cronies either.  
He takes a step ahead himself.

''And she speaks our language too,'' he adds in English for the first time. Which means they've taunted Nate and Raven all this while on purpose.

''Who are you?'' I ask, ''Trigeda? Azgeda?''

''What makes you think we're either, Sky girl?''

Of course. I know they're neither now, but I'm trying to talk my way out of this stand-off without bullets flying. I can't recognize who they once were, either. Two of them have tattoos different than the ones I've seen on Trigeda warriors, but that doesn't say anything definite. And it hardly matters now.

''Either way, we have nothing for you, '' I say, ''We're just looking for signs of our people.''

''Nothing? I see good weapons, good clothes, and I'm betting there's good food and medicine packed up somewhere with you. Selling it would have us set for months.''

''What makes you think you could actually take any of these things from us? You don't outnumber us, and we have guns.'' 

This isn't how I wanted this talk to go, but I have no choice. I can see Nathan adjusting his finger on the trigger in the corner of my eye. I can see hands moving subtly among the Grounders, and I know this is already getting far too dangerous.

''The famed and notorious Skaikru arrogance,'' the man says, placing a hand on the hilt of his sword. It hangs right at his hip.

''We have no quarrel with you, '' I insist again, ''We don't want to shoot anyone, just go away.''

''I think we're done talking,'' Harper says nervously, and it makes my stomach queasy. But banished lowlifes or not, the Grounders will use any excuse to ditch the truce. We can't risk it. This would be open combat.

A group of Grounders – three or four - come rushing from our left and stand at the edge of the western treeline, and Nathan and Macallan turn their guns west now. Harper steps forward and stands next to Raven. I am the only one still not aiming at anyone. It's two people per front, and now we really are outnumbered. I know we're half-surrounded. And I'm not sure how to get out of it now. And still I know I don't dare kill, even if it comes to it. Which it very well might. 

I'm surprisingly calm. I know someone has to be, and I know I don't want the responsibility of anything on my own back.

''Bak yu op! ( _Stay back!_ )'' I insist desperately, ''We have no quarrel with you!''

''But we might have one with you,'' the same man says, and then he pulls out his sword, and I can see the others moving too and I've never pulled out my bow and notched an arrow faster. It flies and gets stuck in the shoulder of his sword-arm, and before they can advance and before we can shoot a single bullet, in that one bit of a moment someone shouts at the top of their lungs:

''Chil yo daun ( _Stand down_ )!!!''

That someone runs out into the clearing and now he's standing right in front of me. Everyone freezes, both sides equally confused. This Grounder just turns around to face me, and drops his axe. It clatters to the ground at my feet.

''I know you,'' he says. But I don't know him. He's young, though his skin has had its fair share of sun and dirt and battle. He can't be older than Wick, though he might look like it. His dark hair is long and loosely pulled back in a braid, and there's a scar across his cheek that looks like it was given by a couple of claws. No beard, though; only a stubble. How does he know me? Where do I know him from?

''Sef of, Zax ( _Move aside, Zax_ ),'' their leader speaks again.

''Nou, Odda. Jomp em op en yu jomp ai op, ( _No, Odda. Attack her and you attack me_ ),'' the man I now know is named Zax says - louder this time so that word travels clearly - before he turns to face me again, ''Ai don ge fis op. Ai sonraun laik yu sonraun. ( _I was cured. My life is your life._ )''

And then it sinks in. Too slowly. I recognize the scar, somehow, even though I couldn't have watched his face for longer than a few minutes back then. But I know he's one of the Reapers Dwyght and I led to the Drop-Ship. But I didn't cure him – Jackson did.

''What's he saying?!'' Miller growls, too nervous with his rifle.

''He stands in our protection.''

''Why?'' Raven asks.

''Long story, tell you later,'' I reply quickly, before turning to Zax, stepping closer so I can almost whisper, ''We don't want any trouble. Lead your people away.''

''They are not mine to command, but you will have free passage. I promise this.''

I nod. It's all I can do.

''Osir na bants nau ( _We are going to leave now_ ),'' I announce, louder, as I take a few steps back. Raven and Nate are reluctant, but they all follow, though still ready to shoot.

''You're not going anywhere, Sky girl,'' the man named Odda steps up, and his cronies follow, but the men Zax seems to have come with step out now and stand in front of us, as though to defend us.

''You will not fight them,'' Zax says, and Odda doesn't move now – because now it might come to a fight between themselves and that gains them nothing. Now it's just not worth it. 

Then Zax turns his head around just to whisper one last thing to us:

''We'll clear out,'' he says, ''Gou. Sheidgeda ste komba raun. ( _Go. Night is coming._ )''

And so we go.

*

''Mind explaining that?!'' Miller demands. Raven's focused on driving, but now that we're here and everything's done and over with, the adrenaline has left us and it has left us all shaky. Miller is loud when he's shaky. I think Macallan's just trying to breathe in the corner.

So I tell them the whole story and how lucky we actually are because what the hell are the damn odds?

''Damn,'' Raven says, ''Good to have you around, sis.''

''The shit we do to keep the truce, I swear to God. One way or another we're always at their mercy, '' I rub my face and loosen the hair from my pony-tail. It helps. ''God, this is gonna be a bitch to report to Kane, '' I want to groan but it comes out as a sigh as I lean back and rest my head against the window.

''Just conveniently leave out some details,'' Harper suggests.

''Yeah, I really don't wanna go through a questioning. But thanks for offering to do the report yourselves guys, really, you're the best, no need to fight over it!''

Raven snorts into a grin. ''You should do the honors after saving the day.''

''Ha ha,'' I retort sarcastically and squint at her, but I can see her grin even wider in the rear-view mirror.

''Kane wanted to talk to you anyway, '' Nate reminds me, ''Two birds one stone. ''

Right. _Great._


	6. Chapter 6

When we get back from our eventful patrol, I grab something to eat and re-fill my bottle with water and go do the damn report immediately. I keep it as short and concise and sugar-coated as I can, because this is the last thing I want to be doing at the end of the day – _this_ day in particular – and the last thing I want is a long ass interrogation over what exactly happened and what might have happened. Everything ended well, and that's all that matters. I don't even know why he keeps record, but then again it's not like we have a much better use for the computers at this point. Kane likes his tidings documented and that's that.

As I'm making my way to his office now, I think for the first time about why he wants to talk to me. I don't have any guesses. When I knock on the door of his office and he tells me to come in, I find that he's not alone. Bellamy's there and they've been talking. _Two birds one stone_ , I think as my heart thumps just a bit harder.

''You wanted to see me, sir.''

''Tasha, right,'' he puts a file down on his desk, ''I haven't been able to find you.''

''Patrols.''

''I'll leave you t-,'' Bellamy moves, but Kane stops him mid-step.

''No, Bellamy, you should stay,'' he offers a small smile, ''I value your opinion.'' 

Bellamy steps back into place and gives a small nod of appreciation and respect. There might have even been a small smile there. Whatever kind of relationship these two have formed over time, I know it's good for Bellamy. I'm glad.

''So what's this about?'' I ask.

''As you know, we've been hard at work re-building Arkadia, and not just the place itself,'' Kane leans against the edge of his metal desk, and crosses his arms on his chest the way he usually does, ''But the very society that thrives inside its walls. We've done a lot, and there's a lot yet to be done. We're creating a whole new system here - a system that actually functions. Right now we're working on a schooling system. We're looking to resume the education we had back on the Ark. There are a lot of children that are being taught by their parents, teenagers that are trying to catch up. It is our duty to offer them a better way to get their education now that we're finally standing on our own two feet.''

This all makes perfect sense, but I still fail to see what any of this has to do with me. Or Bell, for that matter.

''When it comes to surviving out there,'' Kane continues, ''No one knows better than you kids.''

''Good of you to finally admit it, sir,'' Bellamy smirks, and I can't help my grin.

''Yeah, well, it's true,'' smiles Kane, ''Which is why I want you in on this.''

''Harper and I actually chatted about this today; I thought it would be a good idea to have Lincoln hold training sessions,'' I offer, ''Maybe Octavia too?''

''Yeah, sounds like a good idea,'' Bell nods in all seriousness, his hands on his hips - the usual stance. A sudden ache hits me – I miss him so much.

''I'd like both Lincoln and you on the training sessions,'' Kane tells Bellamy, to which he responds with a short nod, ''But hopefully we're not just raising soldiers and fighters here. We're raising survivalists.''

It takes me a moment to realize he's talking to me. And _about_ me. When it does sink in, I seem to open my mouth too slow. And what do I even say?

''I-''

''We're starting classes next week,'' Kane speaks before I can, ''Nothing too complex, just starting with the basics for the children. Morning classes. I thought maybe you could take over Earth Skills.''

Wow. I'm not quite sure why, but I'm kind of stunned by the proposition. 

Quite frankly, a teacher is one thing I never thought I would be. As a matter of fact, I was never sure what I wanted to be back on the Ark, and when I got arrested, it just swept me off that course completely. Of course, with what I excelled at, the role of a teacher would probably come naturally eventually. What else could I do on the Ark with all that non-practical knowledge? It's not like I had a craft, something to actually do, like Raven.

But down here I'm free. And I don't have to be stuck with a boring teacher job. I could be anything I want, do anything I want. Or could I? What really am I doing here, with my life?

''It'd be two or three mornings a week tops, and you'd get to choose when,'' Kane speaks again, ''There's no one better for the job.''

''Are you sure about that?'' I finally find my voice, and the question comes out as a chuckle.

''Natasha Parish, top of her class,'' he shrugs, ''I still have your records, you know. ''

I remember the way professor Pike always took pride in me, like I was his special little accomplishment, the golden child, the little survivalist prodigy. But the truth is Earth Skills was one of the few actually fun subjects to deal with at school, and it came to me almost second-nature. In reality, most kids thought it was useless, boring and a waste of time, so it's not like I ever had too much competition, I think – it wasn't like we were going to Earth to use that knowledge anyway, right? Who would have thought? 

Would I be here now? Would any of the remaining of the hundred be here today if not for professor Pike? I don't know, honestly. And it feels odd to remember – I haven't thought about professor Pike in ages, or of anyone from back on the Ark for that matter. It's like I'm starting to forget that life even existed. It feels like another lifetime, and it certainly happened to another person.

''What do you think, Bellamy?'' asks Kane.

''I think she'd be great, sir,'' Bell looks at me as he says it, a small smile threatening to tug at a corner of his mouth.

''I'll think about it,'' I say, but even as I say it I know I'm now half-convinced, because if I can instill the knowledge professor Pike gave me into someone else, and if that knowledge can mean the difference between life and death, then what am I even thinking about?

''Take your time, but not too much time. I would have to find someone else by next week,'' Kane smiles, ''I'll work out the schedule further and organize the training sessions. I'll let you know about it,'' he puts a hand on Bellamy's shoulder.

''Is that all, sir?'' Bell asks.

''Unless you have anything to report,'' he replies, before he turns to me, ''Any trouble today?''

''Nothing we couldn't handle,'' I say, which is hardly the truth. If Zax hadn't appeared, who knows what we'd be talking about right now. I hope Kane won't ask me any further questions, and when he just gives a nod, I almost give a sigh of relief.

''Alright then. Go rest. You've earned it.''

With respectful nods we exit the office, and when we step out into the empty hallway – _seriously, where is everyone?_ \- I realize this is the first time I'm alone with Bellamy since what feels like ages ago. The realization is almost suffocating me.

''How's Jasper? '' he's the first to start up conversation as we walk, just as I'm trying to phrase in my mind what I actually want to say.

''He's not worse,'' I reply, ''Monty? I haven't seen him since... well, since the incident.''

It's become this unspoken understanding at this point that I'm the one that gets to keep an eye on Jasper whereas Bell has Monty's back. And sometimes, when necessary, we keep them apart. We never formally agreed on it, but it's spontaneously become a thing.

''He's as okay as he can be, I guess,'' Bell replies.

I know what he means. Monty always looks like he has it together, but there is no way he can be as okay as he looks, not after everything, and especially not now with everything that's going on with Jasper.

Besides, he and Bell have gotten much closer since we came back - he's probably the best friend Bellamy's had since we came down to Earth at least. Bellamy's had his militia, his followers, even his little cronies. He's had Clarke, who was more and less than a friend at the same time – she was a partner and co-leader in this whole mess. But she was not the kind of friend he needs when he has nothing to do, nothing to worry about, no survival to fight for and no one to save. So far, he's never had an actual friend – someone to talk about unimportant things and just pass the time with. Or maybe talk about something not so unimportant and do more than just pass the time with. Someone with whom he can be as young as he was never allowed to be, perhaps. And I'm not counting me and Octavia. Or even Gina.

That someone is now Monty. So with how close they've gotten, I assume Bellamy is very sensitive to every change inside the boy. If Monty's not okay, he'll be the first to know.

''Monty's a hell of a lot stronger than most have given him credit for, '' I say.

''He is,'' agrees Bell, ''It just- it breaks my heart to see it, you know?''

''Them fighting? ''

''None of us asked to be here,'' he says instead, ''But we are. And we could go on pretending that months of what we've gone through hasn't made us a family, but, '' he huffs and gives a humorless smile, ''It has. Because guess what you call people who've gone to hell and back together.''

_Family._

I haven't given it much thought. My real family is dead and gone. John is gone, and Finn is dead, and I've pushed Bellamy away and if you asked me I'd probably tell you Nathan's all the family I've got now, but that's not entirely true. Maybe I wouldn't call them sisters but I know Raven and Octavia would have my back any time any place any situation, no second thought. Everyone else though? I haven't thought about it. But now that I'm thinking, I know Bellamy's right. I'd probably jump in front of a bullet for Jasper, Monty, Monroe, Sean, Dwyght, even Abby. Instinctively. And I know it's the same with them.

I look at Bellamy. For the first time, he looks tired to me. And I've never considered how heartbreaking this must be for him – to watch this family fall apart. Because all he's done in months is take care of everyone else. He hasn't just been a big brother to Octavia, but to everyone that came down here with that first wretched Drop-Ship. And now Jasper can hardly stand him, when once he looked up to him. And he's watching Jasper and Monty drift away from each other, and the way it's tearing Monty apart. And he's watching me and Octavia struggle to find our places where it shouldn't feel like a prison, watching Raven push herself the wrong way and everyone else away from her at the first sign of help, watching Harper trying to live with her demons every day and be able to hold a rifle without getting triggered into an ugly flashback. And it seems we're all apart. And Clarke's gone, and he must feel like he's failing at keeping us all together.

''We're not falling apart, Bell. What we're doing is trying to put ourselves back together,'' I say, ''Some are better at it, some worse. But everyone's going their own pace, you know.''

Just as we step outside and are about to awkwardly say our farewells and walk our own ways, I manage to put a hand on his arm to stop him. If I don't get this out now, I never will. I see a little frown when I look up to meet his eyes, like he isn't quite sure what I could be wanting to talk to him about now. But he has to be guessing.

''Bell, listen, I, uh- I just wanted to thank you,'' – but suddenly it's too much and I'm already too close to breaking into tears and if there is a God he won't let that happen right now - ''For the present. It means the world to me.''

''Don't worry about it, I just thought you'd like it,'' he says before giving a feeble smile, ''Besides, it was mostly your dad's idea, though accidentally. I can't take all the credit.''

Well, of course. He probably finished it before he even set out for Mount Weather. He knew he either might not be present for my birthday, or that he might not even be alive. But if alive, he most certainly thought we'd still be together. And I don't know what tears me up more – thinking of dad and the fact that he was alive just two months ago, or the fact that he and Bellamy talked and that he personally gave him the photograph, or the way Bellamy thought he might not come back from Mount Weather alive and still considered my birthday an important deal, or the fact that he never thought we'd end up apart. The possibility of him dying was more plausible to him than me leaving him.

And now I can't hold it in anymore. But I still furiously wipe the tears away, hoping to outrun them. And Bellamy does the last thing I ever expected him to do.

He hugs me.

It's so familiar yet so strange at the same time. It feels like my place here in his arms, like it's where I belong. He comforts me the way he's done it a hundred times before, but this might be the last time. He's with Gina now, and friends or not, I wouldn't want to be a thorn in her eye. I'd never want to be that person.

But I need him right now and he knows it. We're family.

''We'll always be family, Bell, no matter what happens,'' I say against his shoulder, the patch of his shirt already wet below my cheek.

''Always,'' he says as he rubs my back comfortingly, ''Whether we damn well like it or not. ''


	7. Chapter 7

I felt odd holding my first Earth Skills class, but I grew more comfortable and more into it even as that first hour progressed. The next class after that was much more natural and easier, and by the time the first week ended I realized I was actually not bad at it at all. Who would have thought? I don't hate it, either - it's not the most exciting thing in the universe but that one hour in the morning grounds me. I understand I'm PTSD-ing big time, and my constant need to be out there and in potential danger has a lot to do with the fact that I've known nothing else since we landed. Being in the front lines in the middle of a war has affected me in a very twisted way - normal life with no danger feels out of place. These classes - they seem to help me with that.

Right now there's fifteen kids in the group, all aged from nine to fourteen. Some of them – the older ones – have been in a few Earth Skills classes before so they have to sit through some of the basics again because of the others, and some have failed some of their levels. The youngest ones have just about no idea what we'll do every next class, and everything is new and interesting to them, like play. That makes my job easier, but it's also very unsettling. Nothing about survival is like playtime. Just how much they have no idea what the world is like out there honestly scares me, and I hope I'm making them take this as seriously as they should.

They like me though, especially the younger girls. Anni – the dark-skinned ten year old with the prettiest hazel eyes of a doe – seems to be all but smitten with me. She's clever, much cleverer than I remember myself being at that age. She's definitely one of the fastest learning kids in the group. I've grown fond of all of them too, especially her; but the way she looks up to me makes me feel so oddly unworthy I don't know what to do with it.

But it's not just Anni that's like that either; Bellamy is like the coolest guy among the boys, and the other day I saw a girl pass me by with her hair braided almost exactly like Octavia's. I got it a moment too late, then I couldn't stop grinning for the rest of my walk.

So I do admit that - kind of ironically - this might be exactly what I needed. I teach these kids three hours a week and yet it makes me feel like I'm doing something important, like I'm making a difference.

And most importantly, it makes me feel like I could be good again. I haven't felt like a good person in a very long while, and after everything I've done I don't think I can claim that title again, but teaching these kids makes me feel like - maybe, just maybe - I can be redeemed. I don't know if we can - any of us. But it gives me a shred of hope.

''Minho, will you please get off Dale; he's not a horse?''

The grinning boy almost _slides_ down his friend's back before he finds his place to have a seat. He's not a bad kid but he's definitely the liveliest one, and although he's not the oldest, he seems to be the leader of his little group. The boys seem to just flock to him naturally. There's something about him that reminds me of Bellamy so very much, I can't quite shake it. Was Bellamy like this as a kid? That part of his life - just like any other now - is not mine to know.

Our classroom isn't big, but it's big enough. It's nothing like the one we had back on the Ark, but then again, neither are the classes. There is no strict teacher – student relationship, because hell, I was a kid yesterday, and I wouldn't even know how to pull that off. The kids sit wherever they want, mostly strewn across the floor because we don't have the chairs necessary, and they prefer it anyway. There are no rules except that they can't make a mess and they have to listen and understand. I don't even know what this room was used for once, but we have computer access here, and though there's a lot of data in there and most of the Ark's old teaching programs, we don't use it much. What professor Pike once had to show us on screen, now we can simply walk out and see in person. And if you'd told me I'd be doing this a year ago, I would have suggested seeing a doctor.

''Okay, guys, revision time. The word SURVIVAL, what does it mean – _S_?''

''Size up the situation!'' they all speak out in choir.

'' _U?_ ''

''Use all your senses!''

''Or, what else do we say-?''

''Undue haste makes waste!'' they say in unison again.

''Right. _R?''_

''Remember where you are!''

_''V?''_

''Vanquish fear and panic!''

_''I?''_

''Improvise!!''

_''V?''_

''Value life!''

_''A?''_

''Act like the natives!''

_''L?''_

''Live by your wits!''

''But for now-?''

''LEARN BASIC SKILLS!'' they shout the loudest, like a cheer, and I can't help grinning like a fool. I was worried this would be too complicated to understand for their first lesson, and worried they'd just learn it by heart like a poem instead of actually understanding it, but they proved to be very clever and they seem to understand the explanation of every phrase and metaphor that I give them.

''Dale, what's the first thing you need to survive?''

''Shelter. And water,'' the boy replies, ''Preferably shelter near water.''

''Right,'' I chuckle, ''Then?''

''Food, of course.''

''Right!''

''Uhmhf! Forgetting something!!'' Anni waves her hand in the air eagerly, the look on her face almost one of constipation. If I don't call her name now, she'll burst.

''What is that, Anni?''

''First aid and knowledge of herbs!!'' she says all in one go, like she's racing someone to the end of the answer.

''Right,'' I nod, still grinning, ''You guys are owning the basics! I'm gonna have to think of some reward for you next week, seriously!''

Anni is beaming with pride, but Minho and his group are already excitedly whispering among themselves about what I might have in store for them next week.

''But only, of course, if you keep this up,'' I add, ''The last time we were here, we talked about different types of shelter you can find or make in different environments, but today we're gonna talk water and how to find it and purify it. So the next time we see each other, we won't be sitting here for an hour; instead, we'll be going for a little trip, how about that?''

The kids are cheering before I can finish the sentence, and I don't blame them. They spend their days outside, playing in the yard, and sitting here in this cramped little classroom probably isn't their favorite thing in the world. The prospect of going outside the gates? Of course they're ecstatic.

''Don't get too excited!'' I say over the cheers so they settle down, ''We're going to do what I never could when I studied Earth Skills – we're going to try and actually use all of this stuff we talk about early in the mornings. We'll try and make shelter, try purifying water. If you can actually do everything we talk about, pretty soon you won't even need me.''

I suddenly remember our first day on Earth. Not all of us had aced our Earth Skills, and a lot of us had no idea what the hell we were doing, but we were together, and we'd stuck together, and that had made all the difference. Later I learned that you won't always get to be with someone, and surviving alone is an entirely different ordeal.

Wells Jaha and I were purifying water the very first night on Earth, and I think he would have made a great teacher. So would Finn. These kids would have adored both of them.

''Dad will never allow it,'' Jessi says, and I have no idea how I even manage to hear her timid voice in all that chatter.

''Why is that, Jessi?''

''Because of the Grounders,'' the girl replies, and the other kids go quiet, ''Dad always says I can't leave Arkadia until I'm old enough to be able to hold a gun.''

''Well, neither you nor your dad should worry, because we're not going very far, and my very good friend Octavia will be with us, should we need back-up. Not that we will. You won't need a gun, Jessi!’’ I say with a smile, ''We're in an alliance with the Grounders, they're our friends now!''

''But they betrayed us. Dad says they left our people to die and he'll never trust Grounders again.''

There are a lot of people that don't trust the Grounders anymore, and that's normal, and even a good thing because it makes us cautious. But being cautious is one thing and being afraid quite another. I don't want these kids taught fear, because fear turns into anger and anger turns into hatred, and there's only one road hatred can take us, and it's one we can't afford to go down ever again.

''It's true that their commander – Lexa – betrayed our agreement and left us to fend for ourselves. But she made that decision because she thought she was doing the right thing for her people, just like you would all probably put your own people first, before anyone else. Right?''

Even though I was ready to kill Lexa that night before the mountain, I realize that I'm reasoning this situation out for the first time. While talking to _kids_. She'll probably have me killed if I ever cross her path again, but I'd be lying if I said I don't get it. I do get it – what she did – and that's what pisses me off even more.

''The point is, not all Grounders are the same,'' I continue, ''There's good people and bad people among them, just like there's good people and bad people among us.''

And how true that is. I think of Nichols who now doesn't even lie in an unmarked grave, his ashes carried by the wind over Tondc. I think of Shamway. Of Nigel. Of the corrupt guards in poorer station districts. Of rumors of Jaha's dirty affairs. They call us the Sky people, but that name sounds almost heavenly, exalted and pure. When in reality, we're everything but.

And then I think of Lincoln, Rand, Drea, Nyko, Indra, Fio... Hell, even Ryder. Ruthlessly loyal to his commander, but not a bad man.

''Enough chatting now,'' I clap my hands together, ''We have a lot to cover.''

*

''You're doing better,'' I hear Abby's voice before I can see her face. She leans against the small desk next to me as I sort through the very few books we've so far managed to salvage from Mount Weather. They're in incredibly good condition, and I'd prefer using them instead of the computers. I'd much rather the kids use them too. We now have a heavy Herbology tome that's a gold-mine of well put-together information.

''If by better you mean not drinking myself to death, then yeah, I guess.''

''It's exactly what I mean,'' she says, and I turn around to take a glance of her smile beaming.

''It's only because I have Jasper to take care of,'' I grin, ''Abby, at one point in time you're going to have to stop tailing Raven, Jasper and me,'' I shake my head, putting a book on the upper shelf of a cabinet.

''I'm your doctor,'' she says seriously, ''It's my job to take care of you.''

''Oh, so you're a psychologist too?''

''As a matter of fact - yes, I am,'' she replies to what was supposed to be sarcastically rhetorical.

''Damn,'' I mutter to myself inaudibly, placing another book.

''The kids love you,'' she comments, almost off-hand.

''They're a clever bunch,'' I only say. I put up another book.

''I'm glad you took up the offer,'' says Abby, ''You're good at it, and it's good for you.''

For the first time, I completely turn around to face her, and look at her suspiciously. ''Abby, did you tell Kane-?''

''It doesn't matter,'' she steps up and clasps my arm, ''We're doing good work here.''

''Those kids need to learn this stuff to be able to survive out here,'' I say, stepping back and going back to the books, ''It's the only reason I took the job.''

''You took the job because you're a good person.''

''A good person?!'' I laugh, bitterly, like the very notion is outrageous.

''Yes, Tasha, a good person,'' she insists, stepping up yet again.

''You need to leave me alone, Abby,'' I say, voice level, trying to ignore her, going through the books aimlessly now, because I don't want to face her.

''It's not your fault,'' she says instead, ''One day you will have to believe it and accept it. Finn was not your fault, and your father was not your fault-''

'' _Abby_ ,'' I warn her, because I can feel angry tears stinging my eyes now and I don't want her to feel the wrath of the outpour.

But she won't have it.

''Listen to me,'' she grabs my shoulders and turns me around to face her, but I try to stare past her, ''None of us is innocent. We have all done bad things, and we all have guilt enough to last us a lifetime, but if you're going to feel guilty, place your guilt where it belongs. Because it doesn't belong with your father. That one is _not_ on you. Do you hear me? You have done more good than bad, Tasha. Stop refusing that. Your heart is _good_.''

''My heart is good?! What are you even talking about?! How is any of us _good_?!''

''You almost bled out trying to save the man who almost ruined your life!'' she argues, ''How is that not good?''

''Yeah, well, he died anyway, didn't he?''

''But you tried-''

''I didn't try for him!!'' I shout, ''Okay?! I didn't do it for him, I did it for me! So leave me alone, Abby. You want a choir to preach to, find it elsewhere.''

When I storm off and leave her there, all I know is that I want to be anywhere that's not Arkadia. But I know even better that what I'm trying to escape is not a place, but myself.


	8. Chapter 8

''Well, I'm just happy all of you can sleep so well at night, really,'' Jasper says with a bit of a slur as he lies on my cot, a bottle of water in his hand. Nate's not here with his guard shift started, so there won't be any bad energy going on because I dragged the drunk's ass over to our tent and tried to get some water in him. Not that he's drinking any. But I can't give up on him, and our tent is the best place for him right now.

''Shut up,'' I retort as I pack up the last of my essentials, ''You know that's not fair. Not to me.''

''Well, life's not fair, right?'' he slurs in reply, and I get an overwhelming desire to kick him in the ribs while he's sprawled like that. But I know he's hurting enough without it. Half the time he's trying to provoke people into kicking his ass, like the physical pain he'd be subjected to would somehow make the emotional pain more bearable. 

God, what a fuck-up. Realizing this makes the anger dissipate and sympathy take over me again. 

''We need this stuff, Jasper,'' I add more calmly as I strap the backpack on, ''Raven needs it. The dead don't.''

I don't know if it's heartless of me to say it, but I don't stick around to debate it with him. I take the old machete as my only weapon today, and stride out. 

We're going on another Mount Weather run.

*

''Zoe Monroe, I swear to God,'' I exclaim once she hands me what seems to be a chunk of pork on a stick. It's been a while since I've had boar, and now that we're rationing the meat, mostly I just eat the nuts and berries and God damn plants these days. Harper's already munching on her snack, absolutely beaming.

''You're welcome,'' Monroe smiles, taking a bite herself.

''We don't deserve you,'' I say through a mouthful, relishing in the taste of well-roasted meat in my mouth. Good God, I've missed it.

''It's a long trek,'' Harper says, ''We need the energy, so. We deserve it.''

A long trek indeed. I've almost forgotten, what with our vehicles and mapping and rare walks too far outside. It takes six to seven hours on foot from Arkadia to Mt. Weather, if you don't make haste. But it's alright, since I won't be walking back anyway. Hopefully.

It's a pleasant walk though, with me, Harper and Monroe at the rear. There's something over a dozen of us, and the weather is so nice today that everyone seems to be in a good mood. I wish there were more of my people today, but beside Harper and Monroe, the only familiar faces I can put names to are Dwyght, Wick and Gina. Dwyght's leading the run. 

It's like no one's eager to see the damn mountain again, and I can't blame them. 

''Harper,'' I call when I remember, ''You sure about this?''

Harper turns around to meet my gaze, pauses for a moment, before she gives me a nod. ''I have to face it,'' she says. She and Kyle are the only ones among us that were shackled to the mountain's walls, and Harper's the only one that underwent the torture. If it's what she needs, I get it. This would be her first time back there too. 

She looks ready anyway.

*

''Yo, Wick!''

Kyle turns around in response to my calls. ''What?'' he mouths from a hundred feet away, so I wave him over. He looks like he wants to groan, before he walks back to meet us anyway.

''What?'' he finally asks.

''This is where I leave. Wanna come with?''

''What are you talking about?''

''The mountain's old parking lot is that way,'' I point east, ''And there's a pretty nice van sitting idly inside of it too. I don't know, I might need an engineer.''

He pauses as though mulling it over, a playful scowl on his face, before he gives his answer: 

''Engineers will save humankind.''

''Oh, get off your high horse,'' I laugh and shove him playfully but he lifts his hands up as though in surrender.

''I'm just saying!''

''We'll meet you at the main entrance,'' I tell Harper and Monroe, ''We might be late. But we need that van.''

''Keep in touch,'' Monroe says, throwing Wick one of the radios, and he catches it clumsily. We were only able to take three or four of those, but it should be enough.

''Take care of Wick,'' Harper grins as they walk away, ''For humankind!''

With another burst of laughter, Wick and I take the eastern path.

*

''You sure you remember the path?''

''Please,'' I roll my eyes, but truthfully, it feels like ages ago when Bellamy, Octavia and I took this same path. Everything was different then.

''Anything we should watch out for - acidic snakes, giant gorillas...?''

''If you don't stop talking, yeah,'' I grin, cutting away some persistent bushes that by rights should not be here at all. Is this the right path?

''Just getting informed,'' Wick says, and then the quiet takes over us. I think he figures out I'm now too focused on finding our way, and doesn't want to disturb it. I almost get a bit panicky when we hit what seems like another bushy dead end, but all we have to do is follow the edge of the mountain. We can't get lost.

Then, after an hour, we step into the familiar clearing.

''Finally,'' Wick says, wiping something off his face, ''I think I got slapped by a branch.''

''There's just something about you. Makes everyone and everything wanna slap the smugness out of you.''

''Very funny,'' he responds to my grin, ''Where now?''

''We're close,'' I take the lead again, ''That van's gonna make our lives easier, even if it's one time use. We could safely transport some of the equipment, especially medical. I mean, it should work; all of those cars should work. Just hope we get enough of the fuel.''

''I got a list from Abby. She sorted the medical stuff by priority.''

''I hope we'll be able to recognize all that,'' I say, ''At least Jackson should have come with us.''

''Too many sick.'' 

The medical is filled with our people and Grounders alike. It's no wonder they're all busy.

''Yeah, well, we'll do our best then.''

''She's in pain,'' Wick says after a moment, but it comes out of him so unexpectedly, ''A lot of it. And that brace is all I could give her.''

It breaks my damn heart. He did all he could for Raven, and he still cares so damn much about her, and he's beating himself up over everything more than I ever realized.

''You've done all you could,'' I only say, ''Let's hope this stuff can help.''

*

The parking lot is just as I remember it - the same darkness, the same stench in the stale air, the same dust. Even when we leave the doors open, we have to use our flashlights. Even though I know there shouldn't be any Reapers left here, the atmosphere still makes every single hair on the back of my neck stand up. I don't like remembering our episode with Lincoln.

As a matter of fact, there shouldn't be any Reapers left anywhere, but it doesn't mean that there aren't. Those who haven't been cured have died, but I know that some have to have escaped everyone's notice, and those poor souls would be hiding in places like this. And this place is huge.

But we don't hear anything except the sound of our own footsteps and breathing.

''This looks like every single horror movie I've ever seen,'' Wick says quietly, but the words still echo.

''You don't know the half of it,'' I say, taking lead again.

We find no Reapers though, just a rat. A giant fucking rat, too, and I don't want to think about what kind of disease I would have contracted had I not reacted quickly enough. 

''Gross,'' Wick says as I clean the machete with the old rag.

''Oh, don't be a baby,'' I say, but it really is gross, and I wonder how that can be when I've killed people before.

''Is that your van?'' Wick points to something, and following the light of his flashlight with my eyes I see that it falls on a vehicle that used to be white. Time and a layer of dirt have changed its color. 

''That's the one.''

Wick has to break the window with his elbow to get the door open from the inside, and I have to literally kick broken the mechanism of the back door. It takes me a few tries, but I manage to get it open and take a look inside the storage area. It's large enough. When I try to close it again though, it won't hold, so I know we'll have to tie it somehow on our ride back.

If we get it to run, that is.

I take all the old stuff out of the van. It's all gross and smelly - the clothes, the snacks, the toys. But I suck it up and throw it all out while Wick plays with the wires. I keep a few toys that are in good condition and a small toolbox we could use. There's also a small plastic first aid kit, and when I open it, everything seems intact. The mold didn't get to that one. Abby's going to be happy.

I can hear the engine roar from time to time, but it always dies. 

''I got it,'' Wick says, wiping sweat off his forehead, ''I can get it to run. It just needs fuel.''

''Right,'' I say, pulling a hose out of my backpack, as well as a canister.

''And I was wondering what you were carrying in that mountain on your back,'' he grins.

So the next hour we spend sucking out remaining fuel from the cars and letting it all drip into the canister. Then, carefully, we feed our new baby van. It should be enough for the ride back. Wick gets back to the wires, and in a few tries, the motor roars and doesn't die.

''Yes, baby!'' Wick exclaims triumphantly, and I can't help laughing, ''I hope you don't expect me to drive this thing.''

''Move away,'' I can't stop grinning because of this small victory, ''Raven taught me.''

Raven did teach me, but we were out in the open and making a mistake out there was literally impossible, unless I could have found a way to fly and drop kick the ground. This place, though, is a God damn, tight-fitted maze.

''Does this work?'' Wick presses a button before he even ends the question, and music starts blasting.

''Tone it down!'' I laugh.

''Oh my God. Oh my Goood!''

''I know,'' I grin, but now my heart aches as well. Dad used to love Led Zeppelin too. And yet I can't bring myself to turn the music off either, so I just lower the volume as ''Whole Lotta Love'' blasts. Wick seems to be using his seat as a drum.

''This is gonna be a bitch,'' I say, more like a sigh to myself, as I step on the gas pedal. 

We have to have hit at least eight cars by the time we've managed to pull the van out under the light of day.

*

When we drive up to the mountain's main gate, we find Monroe grinning up at us. She's the one on watch, and there's already some packages at her feet. I turn the music off even before Wick helps me turn off the car. We've been attracting enough attention as it is, I realize.

''Any trouble?'' Zoe walks up to the car window to ask.

''I feel like I can taste car fuel in my mouth and there's probably rat blood on my clothes somewhere, but nah.''

Monroe frowns. ''I'm not gonna ask.''

''Good,'' I laugh.

''Let's get this show on the road,'' Wick says, waving that list Abby gave him, as he walks into the mountain. 

I decide to help Monroe and wait outside.

*

What's done in a couple of hours is done, because no one wants to spend the night here. When the sun starts coming down, we know it's time to go, since most are going to have to walk right back. I'm the only ''driver'', and Wick's the only one that would be able to help me should the car break down. So we take it upon ourselves to take all the stuff inside the van by ourselves, so the whole party can get a head start.

It's way darker outside once we're done and Wick starts the van. I'm relieved to find that the headlights still work too, but since we don't want to stand out too much, I only use the short lights. We don't play music. Wick looks like he doesn't _want_ to play it either, when just a few hours ago he was in one hell of a good mood. So after a while of driving in silence, I ask him.

''What's up?''

''The mountain,'' he says after a small pause, ''Using it would be easier, instead of doing of all of this.''

''You know we can't do that,'' I reply, ''We can't even take too much stuff out for fear of pissing off the Grounders. You know that.''

''I know,'' he says, but it's like there's some hidden storm of anger bubbling up below his calm, ''But it's never enough.''

''It's gonna have to be.''

''What if it's just not?'' he asks me, earnestly now, like I have the answer, ''This place could help her. Abby could help her.''

''I don't have the answers, Wick,'' I say, suddenly feeling the weight of all this, tiring me, ''We can't stay in there long. We just can't. Who knows what we could set in motion.''

''Yeah,'' he only says, elbow on window, biting a nail, staring off somewhere outside, and he doesn't say a word more until we're back inside Arkadia's walls. 

We switch places so he can turn the car off. Neither of us seems to move to get outside as someone's already working on unloading the van behind. I feel like we'd both rather just drive off somewhere now.

''We're doing the best we can,'' I tell him. He only nods.

''And it's all we can do,'' I add, ''And we did good today.''

He turns around to face me then, and gives me a smile. ''We did.''

I smile back, and then realize we never swept the driver's cabin properly. So I open up the co-driver department, and make a face when a cloud of dust seems to be released when it drops open.

There's an old wallet inside, and a postcard, and what seems to be speeding tickets and receipts and one ticket for what I conclude was a cinema theater. And there's a book. It's the book I care about as I let Wick play with the old wallet.

I pull it out. ''The Illiad'', it says.

''My God,'' I only say, in almost a whisper, as my fingers gently go over the covers. And when I open it and go through the pages, I'm reminded yet again that books are the only things that get old but never smelly. And I can think about one thing only. One thing only, and it escapes me out loud.

''Bellamy's gonna love this.''

''Then give it to him,'' Wick says seriously, but I could swear there's a small smile in there somewhere just itching to get out. 

The book will make him happy. I know. But it's not my place anymore. I'm not the one that should be making him happy. Friends or not, this distance between us must be upheld. For now, at least. 

It still hurts so much.

I don't reply to Wick; I only put the book in a separate section of my backpack, where it'll be safe and protected.

I know what I must do. I know whom to give it to.


	9. Chapter 9

I stare at the wall behind the Ark, and I can hardly believe it's been three months. Ninety-one days, to be more precise - ninety-one _X_ s etched onto the metal panel. Somehow it feels like both three years and three days at once. And somewhere along the line, it became easier. Living. Going through the days. It's been a nice habit, this - a testimony of survival - but I think this is where I lower the knife. I no longer feel the need. I think I've found another way to deal.

With a final look at the sharp edge of the blade, I stop fumbling with the knife, sheathe it, and make my way toward E corridor with haste. It's early in the morning still, but I know I'm late. The training sessions have to have started at least an hour ago, but I somehow ended up sleeping longer than I should have this morning and decided to try and hurriedly fix up the next class' program during breakfast though I should have done that last night, actually. But I was dead tired last night. And when I finally got to go to sleep, Jasper decided to go and be an idiot. And now I wonder when exactly was it that I became a mom. I have some serious issues projecting onto that boy.

''What did I miss?'' I ask the moment I enter. For a split-second I almost freeze, seeing Lincoln at the center of the room, holding a guard jacket. He stares at it, like it's something unreal that could vaporize right out of his hands any moment now, then he looks up at me.

''Only Lincoln kicking Bellamy's ass,'' Harper replies, nudging me playfully as she passes me by.

''Damn it,'' I joke, but seeing Lincoln with a guard uniform has quite frankly startled me a bit. And something feels off. He seems unsure, to say the least.

''Leaving so soon, Harper?'' Lincoln smiles, recovering himself, as he places the guard uniform on the wall shelf.

''I just saw Bellamy get his ass kicked again, I think I'm gonna pass this morning,'' she grins, pulling on her jacket. Half the group is leaving, but half is still here, ready to bruise and learn.

''Come ooon, where's the warrior spirit?'' he teases her.

''Right here,'' I smirk instead, taking off my jacket and belt and throwing it all into the corner, cracking my neck left and right, ''Just let me stretch for a second.''

''The enemy won't let you stretch,'' Lincoln smiles, and takes only one casual stride toward me before he attacks.

It might be half an hour later that I've counted all the times I ended up on the floor. 

Five. _Five_ exactly.

''You're getting better,'' Lincoln finally says as he gives me a hand to get up.

''Better at getting my ass kicked?'' I ask, dusting my butt off. I feel like even my butt will bruise.

''A month ago I would have beat you twenty times, not five,'' he smirks, ''You're getting better.''

''That's comforting,'' I say with just a tad bit of sarcasm, ''Mochof ( _Thank you_ ).''

''Now, she - actually - did better than Bellamy this morning,'' Lincoln announces louder to the ''students'' that have been watching, ''No aggression, but calculation. She tried to foresee every next move of mine before I made it. Admittedly, she failed, a few times, but she was holding her own.''

''I wonder if Wick has gotten the freezers to work already, because I need an ice-pack,'' I mutter to Monroe, and she grins in a response to my rubbing my back like that's going to help.

Lincoln appoints a few sparring couples and sets me up against Monroe. In another twenty minutes or so we're done for the day, and I'm completely drenched in sweat by the end. I've already decided I'm looking forward to a wash in the creek, because I just don't feel like standing below an old hose in a cramped cabin today.

By the time the crowd's dispersed and I'm buckling my belt with the knife sheath on it, I catch Lincoln almost tentatively take his guard jacket, then slowly put it on. 

''Looks good on you,'' I say, still fumbling with the buckle. And it does, oddly.

''Doesn't feel right,'' he replies, almost timidly, zipping it up.

''I don't see why it shouldn't,'' I place a hand on his upper arm before I make to leave, ''You're Trikru, but it doesn't mean you're not family.''

*

We're going into Sector 7 today. We haven't had the chance to explore the entire area yet, or I guess you could say we never dared until now. But the Council's finally approved of mapping out the entire remainder of the sector, and we're the first team to go. I'm still just a little bit surprised that Abby would let us go before any other team of guards; it almost takes getting used to the way she's finally accepted us as skilled and adults. But Octavia's basically a Grounder, and I'm not that bad with Trigedasleng either, and if anyone could negotiate anything even if it came to arms, it'd be O.

I follow the creek to where it becomes a river deep enough for me to stand in. Oddly enough, I don't feel unsafe when I put down my weapons and shed my clothes. I've taught myself to believe that I'm a beast more dangerous than most in the woods, even though that might not be the truth. It's a useful mindset - it's kept me feeling tough and courageous.

The water is way colder than I expected, and I expected quite cold. The initial contact makes my skin crawl, but soon enough I get used to it enough to enjoy it. I've even managed to get my hands on a bit of soap. Soap is being rationed very strictly these days, since we've made all we have out of boar fat. But I get myself all nice and clean without guilt, and use an old comb to completely disentangle my hair. 

I take too long because I'm shaking by the time I get out, but I can't help it. When I'm alone like this, I think about everything - about Clarke, about Murphy, about whether they're okay and where the hell they could be. About Bellamy. About me, and my God damn life in this place. 

I'm no longer angry at Clarke. For three months, I've been furious, and I've been furious at people for not being furious at her, but now I just hope she's okay. If I ever see her again, the fury might take over me all over again, but I know I've cooled down now and all I want is for her to be safe. If we could find her, she'd be back among her own, and we'd be able to fix everything together. No more running. No more hiding.

Has John found what he was looking for? Has Jaha led him to safety or peril? Somehow, I have a feeling we'll see each other again. Years will pass maybe, if we make it. But I know I'll see him again. That story can't be over. The universe owes me that one.

And what happens to me? We re-build, and I do my part to help, and I help teach these kids, and we get Arkadia functioning like a God damn city-state and then what? What is my goal? What do _I_ want? Where is _my_ life headed? What is _my_ purpose here? 

These are my people, but if I'm being honest, leaving Arkadia is as inviting an idea as it is scary. We're trying to re-build and expand, and - once we're stabilized - create new life, a new age, make families and reproduce. But I cannot even imagine myself with anyone. I'm not saying I'll never be able to, but right now it's such a strange idea that I just want to be on the other end of the world.

But even if I tried, I don't know if I'd ever be able to find Rand again. What are the odds? Is he even still alive? By all rights he should be, a warrior and herbalist, unless he was attacked by a pack of direwolves on his way or something. If I'd gone with him then though, I never would have found Bellamy, Finn, my dad and Raven alive. And now, considering the ultimate outcomes, I'm starting to think that maybe I should have.

It will be noon soon, and time to go. Time to report for duty and hopefully get my hair drier than pneumonia-inducing before we leave.

*

I'm sitting on the floor next to where Jasper is lying, my elbows on my drawn knees, my face buried in my hands in desparation. I can't believe we're still here. Instead of getting better, he's been getting progressively worse. How did he even end up here, among all this rubble?

''Jasper Jordan, on everything I love, I'm gonna beat your ass,'' I groan into my hands - to myself - because I know he can't hear me. And I'm just so God damn tired right now, I could cry. It's like there's nothing I could have done, ever. Nothing any one of us could have done to help. He's the only one that can help himself, and if there's one thing as sure as the fact that Earth spins around, it's that he doesn't fucking want to.

Monty's standing behind me, unsure of what to do, or say.

''Monty, why aren't you ready?'' Bellamy's voice announces his arrival. And I get the feeling that this mission's been doomed since the beginning, with the make up of the team. Some people just shouldn't be working together right now. And I don't want Bellamy to see Jasper like this. 

''I am,'' Monty replies before leading Bell across the room toward where we are on the floor, ''He's not.''

And I can't stop staring at Jasper. Poor, poor Jasper.

''What should we do?'' Monty asks.

''We should leave him this time,'' replies Bell. 

''He's not getting better,'' Monty says, ''Maya's death broke him. He needs this.'' 

''He does,'' I say, standing up, ''And I know he's a loose cannon but we can't give up on him, guys. He needs this and it's the least we can do.''

Bellamy looks like he's mulling it over, his eyes going from me to Monty. Then, after a moment, he gives in. ''Take an arm,'' he says to Monty, before they both pull Jasper up on his feet. I pull out my water bottle and splash the water on his face, so he can actually be awake enough to move his feet and not be dragged across the entire warehouse corridor. It's barely working. We place him so he's leaning against some crates, but his eyes are still closed.

''He's all yours,'' Bellamy says before he leaves. And I know he's spotted Gina across. I can't resist watching him walk up to her with just the corner of my eye. It still hurts, but I'm happy that he's happy. At least one of us is fighting to find their place in this world.

''Be right back,'' Monty tells me, before he, too, leaves me with Jasper.

''What, wait, where are you going?!'' - But nada. _Poof._

''Oh, Jasper, sweetie,'' I literally sigh as I adjust him a bit against the crates, ''What have you done to yourself.''

''Hey, umm,'' Wick walks up seemingly out of nowhere - I haven't seen him around, ''I need you to take this to Raven.''

''What is it?'' I ask out of habit as I take the pad from him, like a reply from him won't be just a bunch of mumble jumble words for me. I know just about as much about engineering and mechanics as your average Grounder.

''Just give it to her.''

''Ugh, you guys are like children,'' I say.

''Children, huh,'' he only says, nudging me and casting a glance toward Bellamy and Gina. I follow his signal, and I look just in time to see her give him ''The Illiad''. _Message received, Kyle Wick. But this is different._

Kyle gives me a look of sympathy then, barely a small smile, before he wraps an arm around my shoulders and rubs my upper arm comfortingly. And we're lucky to have taken a step back, beause in another moment Monty is back and he's splashed an entire bucket of water all over Jasper and it's so sudden I literally gasp with a start. 

''Sorry, was that too cold?!'' he asks when Jasper all but growls - that water must be _freezing_. And then he's growling again and he has his hands on Monty and turns them around so that Monty's pinned against the crates and I shout a ''Hey!'' and Wick is ready to jump right in again but there's no need. In a moment, Jasper lets go. Like he's over it.

Bellamy steps in, pulls him aside. ''No gun for you,'' he tells Jasper, handing him a vest, ''Not 'til you're sober.''

''Don't want one,'' Jasper replies and gives one of his most sarcastic and irony-filled salutes, before smacking some water right across Bellamy's face. I can see Bellamy's jaw clench as I know he must be talking to himself in his head right now - _''Don't react. Let it go. Swallow that slap.''_ Then Jasper walks away and we all just stand there for a moment of after-shock, Raven's eyes trailing the boy the way I know she feels for him.

''Let's do this,'' Bell finally says as he hands me a handgun. I strap it onto my thigh and haul ass into Raven's rover. 

This is going to be a long ass day.


	10. Chapter 10

''Try and keep up,'' Octavia said, and she meant it, because I swear to God it's like she's been doing this since she was born. She looks like this is second nature to her. Helios is a speedy stallion too, and strong, even after a day of Octavia running him ragged, he's ready to go and take her across the world.

''I think I want one,'' I say wistfully as I watch her ride through the window, but when I say it Raven just steps up on the gas pedal like she wants to add just a bit more of a challenge to it. I can see O smirk too, and pick up the pace a bit.

''Ladies, if you were guys, I'd totally get this... _measuring_ ,'' I grin, to which Nathan snorts into laughter. Bellamy catches onto the joke right away and can't help a stupid grin with a shake of his head, but Monty's slow to pick it up. Not that he's really been listening; he seems consumed by worries of Jasper. Jasper, on the other hand, has had his earphones in since we've stepped out, and he doesn't hear a damn thing that's going on around him.

And then he starts singing.

It sounds... hollow. I can't describe it except that he devastates me every time he shows just how destroyed he is, like right now. I catch Raven look at her raven pendant instinctively. The laughter is gone. I feel like I'm being drawn back to a place I've barely escaped, into the oily black pool of misery that feasts on life.

''No way,'' Monty says, pulling out Jasper's earphones and thankfully breaking the spell, ''If you're gonna ride shotgun, you can't just disappear.''

So Jasper gives in, and plugs the mp3 player onto the rover instead, so the music blasts through the speakers for all of us to hear. Monty tries to pull the mp3 player out, but Bell stops him.

''It's ok. It's a long ride.''

''It sure as hell is gonna be,'' I mutter with a sigh, looking back through the window.

I like the song, though. It picks up its depressing pace to a lively and upbeat chorus and Nathan must have thought using my knees as drums would cheer me up because I must look depressed as all hell right now. So when he taps lightly on my knees, I can't help grinning silly and mock-kicking him in the shin. He keeps up the drumming though. And then the weirdest thing happens of all - Jasper and Raven slowly start singing, together. And they get progressively louder, too.

 _''Why can't I get just one kiss?_  
_Why can't I get just one kiss?_  
_May be some things I wouldn't miss,_  
_But I look at your pants, and I need a kiss._  
_Why can't I get just one screw?_  
_Why can't I get just one screw?''_

''Oh, my God,'' I start laughing into my palms, I can't help it, and Bellamy nudges me playfully, and for a moment I wonder why I sat down here next to him, but I know why. Jasper's most trouble-free spot is next to Raven, and when Monty instinctively sat next to Nate, I would have rather cut off my hand than tell him to switch with me.

 _''Believe me, I know what to do,_  
_But something won't let me make love to you!''_

Nate leans into Monty as he sings the line to him, squeezing his arm, and Monty has this stupid giddy grin on his face and I think how these two are the cutest thing I've ever seen. Bellamy and I both try not to grin at them, but I think we're very much failing. Is he thinking what I'm thinking?

 _''Day after day, I get angry, and I will say,_  
_That the day is in my sight,_  
_When I take a bow to say good night,_  
_Don't shoot, shoot, shoot that thing at me,_  
_Don't shoot, shoot, shoot that thing at me,_  
_You know you got my sympathy,_  
_But don't shoot, shoot, shoot that thing at me~''_

Somewhere through the chorus Jasper's found his way to the ceiling window, and right now apparently he's screaming into the heavens with elation. I haven't seen him get nowhere near like this in the past three months, and I wonder if I should be worried or happy. I want to be happy, but something's gnawing at me, an underlying nervousness. Raven and O both seem amused, at least.

And that's where the party stops, because suddenly I can hear the alarm beeping and it makes my heart skip a beat and Raven catches onto it at the same time so she turns off the music, and then stops the car.

''Guys,'' I only say as Raven stare's at the radar breathlessly.

''Tracking beacon from the Ark,'' Monty climbs into Jasper's seat right away and gets to work like his very life depends on it.

''Hey, that was the best part,'' says Jasper when he pulls back into the rover, but I only have to look at him for him to get what's going on.

''Who is it?'' Bell asks, but it takes Monty a few moments to hack and decode it all.

Then he announces it.

''Farm Station.''

I look to Nathan. I know what this could mean. He looks back, and looks breathless.

''Wait,'' he shakes his head a bit as though to clear his thoughts, ''After- After four months? How?''

''We'll find out,'' Bell says, ''Where are they?''

''Don't tell me I missed the party,'' Octavia says when she opens the back door.

''Sector 8,'' replies Monty.

''No way,'' I say.

''That's Ice Nation,'' confirms Nate.

''What about it?'' O asks.

''Protocol says we go home,'' explains Raven, ''Let the chancellor decide what to do next.''

''Screw protocol,'' Bell replies, ''The chancellor's not from farm station. Monty is. So is Miller's boyfriend. It's your call.''

Bellamy looks to both Monty and Nathan, but when he gets a ''Let's do this'' and a ''You have to ask?'' he turns to Octavia and quotes her right back.

''Try and keep up.''

*

I don't like that we're going into Sector 8, but I wouldn't have turned back either. I'm pretty sure I'd do anything for Nathan, and he wouldn't turn back from helping me with anything either. Besides, if there's really our people out there, we have to be willing to walk through fire to get them back.

But I know what kind of danger we might yet face, because from what I've gathered of Ice Nation, we can expect every treachery. I just hope we manage not to run into anyone on our search, though small chance of that, I know. So my stomach keeps churning.

When we see Octavia dismount and tie Helios to a tree, we know it's time for a walk.

''These woods must be the border,'' Bell explains when we get out.

''So where's all the ice?'' Jasper asks.

''Much further north,'' replies O.

''Azgeda stretches for about a thousand miles north,'' I add.

''Good thing we only have to go 200 meters,'' Monty says, taking lead, but Bell stops him.

''Slow down. Remember, rules of engagement are non-lethal force.''

''If you have to, shoot to disable, not to kill,'' I repeat just in case. Kane's brainwashed me with the mantra by now.

''Tight formation on my command,'' Bell commands, ''Raven, you stay in the rover.''

''Yeah, right,'' Raven adjusts her gun.

''We need every gun we've got,'' O insists.

''120 meters,'' Monty counts down, ''110...''

And I can hear them now, coming closer, but from all the way here there is no way I could differentiate our people from Azgeda, not from the way they sound, and by the time we can see them it might be too late. And it's like all this goes through my mind at the speed of light when I cock my gun and stand ready for whatever. For all we know, these could be Grounders. Scavenging and picking up a tracker among other things wouldn't be such a God damn reach, would it? It's like Bellamy reads my thoughts instantly because he does exactly the same as I do. Octavia pulls out her sword.

''They're our people,'' Monty argues, ''What are you doing?''

''We hope they're our people,'' explains Bell, ''On my command.''

Horse hooves. Galloping. A neigh too. And then I can see them.

''Azgeda,'' Bell says.

''Yes,'' Octavia breathes.

''White war paint,'' I add in confirmation, but then Octavia sheathes her sword and breathes a ''Stay calm'' and starts walking toward where the riders have stopped with her hands in the air and my stomach starts rumbling with nervousness. But I know she knows what she's doing.

''Chon yu bilaik? ( _Who are you?_ )'' one of the Azgeda asks.

''Skaikru. Ste lufa osir kru au ( _Skaikru. Looking for our people_ ),'' O replies.

''Ste lufa Wanheda au. ( _Looking for Wanheda_ ).''

''They say we're looking for wanheda,'' O whispers to us.

''Wan-heda?'' I ask. _Wanheda. Wan-heda. Wan. Heda. What can that mean?_

''Who's that?'' Bell asks.

''Don't know,'' O whispers back hurriedly.

The warrior's dismounted now, taken a step toward us himself. And I can see the beacon hanging around his neck. Just as I thought.

''That's the beacon,'' Monty says, like we all haven't seen it by now.

And then Jasper decides to go and be an idiot.

''Hey, get back here.''

''Jasper, what are you-''

''What are you doing?!''

''Jasper-''

He doesn't hear any of us though, and when Octavia tries to pull him back, he just pushes her away and keeps on walking.

''It's ok, I got this,'' he says.

''Jasper, get back here,'' I say, because I know what his suicidal ass is about to do, ''Just let it go, alright?''

Nothing.

''Jasper, I swear to God, I'll shoot you in the leg,'' I say again, and I cock the gun like I mean it, but nothing deters him.

''Tell them we observe the Commander's truce,'' Bell urges, ''Do it now.''

''Osir gouba ogonzaun kom Heda in,'' Octavia all but begs, but the two warriors still mounted have their bows drawn and ready anyway and the moment Jasper walks up to the one that speaks for them and snatches that beacon from around his neck, the man has him in a chokehold and has a knife to his throat in less than a second.

''No!'' I growl instinctively, and then every gun is lifted and their bows trained right back at us again as that knife grazes the skin of Jasper's throat.

''Weron Wanheda kamp raun? ( _Where's Wanheda?_ )''

''Breik em au! ( _Let him go!_ )'' Bellamy demands.

''Nou!'' Octavia insists, ''Osir nou get in chon daunde bilaik! Beja. ( _We don't know who that is! Please._ )''

''Chon ste Wanheda? ( _Who is Wanheda?_ )'' I ask, ''Tel osir chon ste lufa au! ( _Tell us who you look for!_ )''

''Yo vout in dison ste leyos? ( _You think this is funny?_ )'' the man turns to Jasper, and then I see blood dripping out of his neck and it's all I can see. Nothing else exists, just blood pouring out of Jasper and the fact that it needs to stop. So I shoot. It's as easy as breathing. No burden of a moral dilemma. No tough decision. No care for anything at stake.

And then the bullets follow until they're all down, and even when Bellamy shouts ''Hold your fire!'', it doesn't stop us. Octavia sends her sword flying into the Azgeda warrior's belly as a final touch to the slaughter. It's done.

I don't know when exactly I've ripped a strip of my shirt, but I'm tying it around Jasper's neck with haste.

''I can't tie it tightly, so you have to press against it,'' when he hardly moves, I take his own hand and put it against his neck, ''Press against it! What the hell were you thinking?!''

''We got the beacon, didn't we?''

''Asshole.''

''Yeah, but where did they get it?'' Monty poses a good question none of us can really think about right now, as Octavia's holding Jasper against the rover and Nathan is fumbling with the med-kit.

''He needs to get to medical,'' I say as we secure the wound, but it's a poor God damn job. ''What's going on?''

''No time to explain,'' Bell says when he gets back from the rover radio, ''Take him home.''

''I'm fine, thank you for asking,'' Jasper grumbles.

''Miller, Tasha, get their horses! Raven, since you can't ride, you're on the back.''

''Wait, what's going on?!'' I demand, ''I'm not leaving you two alone, lousy drivers both! I'm coming with!''

But the truth is, I'm terrified of the truce we've broken, and whatever the reason is that Kane's calling them back, I want to be there. My instincts have never lied to me, and I know my skills could come in handy for whatever's coming.

''Ok,'' Bell says after what seems like a minute too long of mulling it over, ''Let's go.''

*

Bellamy demands I stay back in the car and behind the wheel when we get there, and I try to protest, but to no avail. He makes a good point when he says it's good to have me ready for a fast escape if it comes to it. So I obey and wait. When they come back with Kane and Indra, though, I'm more than mildly surprised.

''Indra,'' I all but breathe, and when she gives a small nod of her head, I give one back in respect.

''Tasha,'' Bell says, ''Take us out.''

So I step on the pedal and drive us away, but seeing them all and knowing something grave is going on and not knowing what it is, I feel like suffocating in this God damn vehicle.

''It's about Clarke,'' Bell takes mercy and tells me quietly after a while of driving in unsettling silence, the only things spoken to me being directions, ''Kill order.''

''What?'' I hiss in a whisper.

''Sir, we're almost out of range,'' Monty announces, ''Are you sure you don't want to tell the chancellor?''

''I'm sure,'' Kane replies, ''I don't want to worry Abby until we know something.''

''We know there's a kill order,'' says Bellamy, ''You people are big on those.''

''It's not a kill order,'' Indra explains, ''It's a bounty. Clarke's a symbol.''

''Wanheda,'' I say, but I didn't mean for it to come out loud. It dawns on me, eureka, and I can feel my skin crawl as the full realization settles in. They were looking for Clarke. And then we killed them. Bell gives me a look that shows he's figured it out too.

''The Commander of Death,'' Indra nods in confirmation.

''The ice nation guys we killed asked about wanheda,'' Bellamy says, ''They're looking for Clarke, why?''

''My people believe that when you kill someone, you get their power. Kill wanheda, and you command death.''

''She's just one girl,'' Kane says.

''So was the Commander. What Clarke did at Mount Weather weakened her. The Ice Nation is emboldened. Their queen wants Clarke's power. If her people believe she has it, she'll break the coalition and start a war. I can't let that happen.''

''Welcome to Sector 7,'' I say, taking a left, ''Where to now?''

''If she's here, she'll need supplies,'' Indra says, ''We'll start at the trading posts.''

So I step on the gas pedal and wonder how many times our ways must have crossed by now and how many times we've missed each other by a hair. We've been in Sector 7. I've passed by the trading posts.

Oh, Clarke. What have you gotten yourself into?


	11. Chapter 11

I've almost forgotten how big Sector 7 is, and now, as I drive, I'm reminded. We've never scouted it entire in one go, and never too close to the Sector 8 borders until today. I've been to the trading posts once, in passing. I preferred to make myself scarce quickly once I saw the likes of those come to trade. I wasn't in the mood for any trouble. Other teams have probably crossed this area too. But none of us have ever seen or found a trace of Clarke before now.

The drive is easy, albeit mostly in uncomfortable silence. Night has fallen by the time we're nearing our destination, and though I want to take a break and take a walk just to refresh my spine, I'm almost lulled into the tempo of the easy drive, like a half-dream. So I almost don't see a felled tree in front of us when we come upon it. Bellamy gives me a heads up before I can manage to at least kick in one of our headlights, if nothing else.

''Damn,'' I mutter, having lurched forward after hitting the brakes, ''Everybody good?''

''Yeah,'' I can hear Kane mutter behind, but it sounds strained. Bellamy has a hand on a shoulder though, squeezing. No one else seems to be hurt. I feel guilty even for that much, though. It could have been worse, and it would have been my fault.

I look to Bellamy. He only nods and gives me a look that says ''Don't worry about it.'' I don't feel better for it, though.

''We have to move it,'' Monty says, but when we move to get out, Indra stops us.

''Wait! It's been cut down.''

''You don't know that,'' says Bellamy. Still, just in case, he takes his rifle and opens up the ceiling hatch to take a look around. I pull out my handgun and turn the safety off. You never know.

Then another tree falls.

And Bellamy is so startled he all but falls back into his seat.

And seeing him so scared makes _me_ scared, and I can literally feel myself going pale, the blood from my face being drained.

The tree has fallen right behind us, trapping us. There's no going forward, but there's no going back either. 

''We do now,'' says Indra.

We do know indeed.

*

''It's been 3 hours,'' Bellamy says, ''What are they waiting for?''

Three hours. And I'm not any less anxious as I'm holding onto that gun. I can't exactly call this a plan, but what are we supposed to do now?

''The sun's up,'' I state the obvious, for need of saying _something_ to make this ''wait'' a bit easier.

''Even with the light, I don't see anyone,'' replies Kane.

''I say we make a run for it,'' Monty suggests.

''No,'' says Kane, still looking through the shutters, ''That's what they want us to do.''

''Well, we can't wait here forever either,'' I argue nervously, casting another glance outside. My palms are getting a bit sweaty.

''The girl is right,'' Indra agrees, ''They can wait longer than we can.''

''Okay, Bellamy,'' Kane decides, ''You get in the turret and you cover us. Once we get to that ridge over there, we'll cover you.''

''Copy that,'' Bell says before he gets up, ''Run fast.''

I swallow a damn brick. I don't like this plan at all. But do we have a better one? I watch Bellamy climb back out to the turret, and I get ready to flee, hand tighter on he gun. I don't want to leave Freyja behind, but we can't be over-encumbered either. Besides, if we make it out, we're coming back for the rover. It's too precious to leave behind. And I'll shoot down any asshole that tries to get his hands on my bow. We just have to make it to the ridge.

But then I see Bellamy freeze.

''They're here,'' he only says, and it takes me a moment to realize what it means.

_''Everybody out or the boy dies.''_

The voice sends a chill down and through my spine, but at the same time it's somehow _familiar_. Could I have heard that voice before? How many Grounder outlaws have I spoken to really, how many Azgeda people? 

I look to Kane. He raises up his rifle slowly, and Monty and I follow even though I don't know how good of an idea that is.

And then Bellamy gets pulled out altogether, and I almost scream.

''Okay!!'' Kane shouts instead, ''Okay, we're coming out!! Don't hurt him!!''

We put down our weapons. I try my best to breathe steadily. _We can do this._ Kane moves first and opens the door slowly and carefully, but then it all happens at once. 

The next thing I know my face is against the ground, and the impact of the throw has almost pushed all of the air out of my lungs. Whoever has me pinned down is large and using more force than necessary; I can't do much with my hands behind my back and my legs pressed upon anyway. Even my ribs hurt under the pressure. I'm terrified, because I can't even see the rest of my people pinned down like this, let alone our assailants. And the worst enemy is always the one you can't see.

''All targets secured!'' someone announces. A woman's voice.

I try to wrench myself free, but it's literally impossible. The most I can manage is turn my head around to take an actual look, and when Bellamy panics and shouts out Monty's name it's exactly what I do, almost pulling a tendon.

''Let him go!'' Bell cries, but they have Monty in a chokehold now, and holding the tracking beacon they've pulled off from around his neck.

''Let him go!'' I manage to cry out too, ''You got the damn thing, just let us go!''

''It's mine,'' Monty insists though, trying to wrench himself free still, ''Give it back!''

''Monty, let it go!'' Bellamy and I shout at the same time, but something suddenly happens that startles us all.

''Monty?'' the woman's voice asks, like she suddenly recognizes him. But how is that possible? We all seem to freeze, assailants and the assailed alike.

''... Mom?''

*

Time comes to a stop when the woman reveals her face. And seeing her, no one would have to tell me who she is. They look so much alike, Monty and her, there's absolutely no mistaking it. When they hug each other, we can hardly breathe, any of us. The hold on me is loosened, and I could break myself free now if I wanted to, but I don't even have the faintest notion to try. Instead I just stare. It's just such an odd sight. How is this possible? Are we all in some sort of weird collective dream? When they start crying, I want to start crying too.

''Farm station, stand down,'' that familiar voice says, and the words sink in way after the hold on me is no more. I get up almost in slow motion.

''Pike?'' Kane asks.

_Pike?_

I turn around to see, and when I see, I can't believe it. I can only stand frozen as I watch the man who used to be my teacher hug Kane and exchange greetings. He doesn't see me until he pulls back and dismisses most of his people to scout the area. Then he turns around and his eyes fall upon me, and he stares for a moment too long, and it's only _then_ that he recognizes me, and his mouth pulls back into a wide, whole-hearted grin. I can only imagine how much exactly I've changed; it's no wonder it took him a moment.

''Well, well, well,'' he manages to say without laughing - and I feel like laughing myself, ''If it isn't one of the best God damn students I've had the pleasure to teach.''

And then I do something completely weird and unexpected. I mean, it's not like we were ever quite _this_ close - I was one of his favorite students and he was one of my favorite teachers, but that was it. Yet I don't care about boundaries at all when I literally almost run into a hug. I've thought this man dead like everyone else back on the Ark, and now that's shifted and so much more could shift and change too and the sudden birth of new hope and the slam-crash of a past life have me emotional. He laughs when he wraps his arms around me, and he chuckles still when we pull back. It's exhilarating.

''It's good to see you, sir,'' I say, but now I feel like crying again for some reason. Happiness? Could it be? I've all but forgotten the emotion.

''Look at you!'' professor Pike says, ''I dare say some of my lessons came in handy, huh?!''

''Some of them,'' I grin, to which he pats my shoulder in another bout of kind laughter. I can't believe I'm looking at him.

''How many of you are there?'' Kane asks him.

''Sixty-three. The rest are camped in the mountains north of here. Grounder killers one and all, am I right?!''

''Hooah!!'' his people cheer in response. What's happened to them all? They're dressed like Azgeda.

I look to Indra, and of course she doesn't appreciate that comment, or the cheers. She doesn't say anything though. But knowing how large Farm Station was, I can't exactly blame Pike for the sentiment either. That very realization makes my heart sink - sixty-three! They have to have gone through a hell of their own and back.

''Hate to cut this short,'' Bellamy interrupts, ''We've got to find Clarke.''

''Clarke Griffin?'' Pike asks, ''Another one of my excellent students.''

''It's good to see you, sir,'' Bell finally greets the man, all smiles himself. I can't help the grin again. For a fleeting moment, I imagine Bellamy as a student, just a few years before me.

Kane gets us to finally get to work though, and move the trees, and in another minute or so we're ready to move again. I want to say something to Monty, but I don't know what. He looks even less okay now. I know what it's like to lose a parent - I've lost both. At least he's found one, against all odds.

''Kane, it's time to go,'' urges Bell.

''All ready,'' I wipe my hands clean.

''Monty, give them the coordinates to Arkadia,'' Kane orders, then turns to Pike, ''We have a settlement 50 miles south of here. Your people will be safe there.''

''You're my people,'' says Pike, making me smile all over again. Why am I so happy to see him? I mean, I'm happy to see any of our people alive and well, of course. But _him_ in particular - he was just a teacher. 

I'm next level messed-up.

''Good. Because we have reports that put Clarke north of here,'' Kane says, ''We could certainly use your expertise.''

''If she's in the Ice Nation you're gonna need more than that,'' Monty's mom says, overhearing the conversation.

''We leave no one behind,'' Pike says, ''Lacroix, take the team, rendezvous with the others, get them to Arkadia.''

''I'm staying with my son,'' Monty's mom insists.

''Damn right, you are,'' Pike tells her, ''Mount up, we're going back into Hell.''

*

I pick up Freyja from the rover before we go. Maybe I'm becoming superstitious, but that bow seems to bring me luck. I don't want to part with it ever again after this little episode, I just want to have it on my person at all times. 

The sun's way higher in the sky when we finally reach the trading posts. So far we haven't found a trace.

Then, at the very next one, we hear suspicious noise. We proceed carefully, but as we draw closer, we don't need to enter to know there's a fight going on inside, and a very violent one at that. I can catch some of what the man is saying, asking for wanheda, before we enter to break it up and Bellamy puts the attacker down with a single bullet. We find there's a girl on the floor - bruised, battered and terrified.

''Are you okay? You alright?'' Bellamy asks her as we approach, but she just steps back the moment she gets up, scared. There's blood all over her face.

''Bounty hunter,'' Indra identifies the fallen man, and when she tells the girl in Trigedasleng that we're here to help, Pike doesn't seem to like it one bit.

''English!'' he insists.

''Distrustful, eh, professor?'' I say with a smile, trying to put him at ease about this, ''Don't worry, I speak it too.''

''Pike, go outside,'' Kane helps me out in a better way, ''Take Monty and Hannah, search the perimeter. Make sure he was alone.''

Pike obeys, although reluctantly, taking the Greens with him.

''Osir ste lufa wanheda au _(We're looking for wanheda)_ ,'' Indra tells the girl, but she's still so upset I don't think she will talk. She looks down at the fallen bounty hunter, then back at us.

''So was he.''

''We're friends,'' I say earnestly, in a poor attempt to persuade her.

''Please,'' Bell asks, ''She's in danger.''

''You're Skaikru?'' the girl asks.

''Yeah.''

''She was here last night.''

''Did she say where she was going?'' Kane asks her.

''She was here when I fell asleep and gone when I woke up.''

''She give you any indication of where she might go?''

''No. But he did,'' she points to the bounty hunter, ''He said that his partner came back for her. He was Ice Nation. I hope you find her,'' she says, sounding as honest as a person can sound.

''Thank you,'' Bell says.

''If you're injured, we have a healer,'' I tell her, ''You'll be welcomed.''

''Good news!'' Monty interrupts us with an announcement as he comes back, ''I've found fresh tracks.''

''Great,'' I say, ''I'll start the rover.''

''That's the bad news,'' Monty stops me in my tracks with a hand on my arm, ''Too many trees. We have to go on foot.''

I sigh. In this territory? _Great._


	12. Chapter 12

''Ask you a question?'' Mr. Pike asks as we walk the fields, eyes open and feet light and minds alert. Monty, Hannah and I are scouting ahead with the rest behind us, but the Greens seem to keep their own private distance away from me. It's no wonder, so we just leave them to it most of the time. I'm just trying to stay as sharp and focused as I can because I don't want to miss a single track. Clarke's life could depend on it.

''Last report we got on the Ark,'' I can hear Pike further say, ''You were under attack by Grounders. What changed?''

''Turns out we had a common enemy,'' Bellamy replies.

''What happened to them?''

''We won.''

 _We won indeed, but at what price?_ It's a bitter victory, I think.

''Quiet,'' Indra warns in a hiss, ''Listen!''

It starts as barely a hum, but it grows louder, bigger, more unmistakably terrifying.

''War drums,'' Kane and I say at the same time, and the booming sound gradually getting even louder gives me goosebumps all across. My stomach churns. I haven't heard that sound in a while, and for some reason, after everything, even after fighting side by side with the Grounders, the sound is somehow still enough to chill the blood in my veins. It's not just the drums, either. It's never just the drums. The war-cries that accompany them are the true source of terror.

''Azgeda,'' Indra says.

''You can tell it's Ice Nation from the sound?''

''No,'' I reply instead of her, seeing it now, ''From them.''

I rush over to the two bodies lying in the grass and kneel next to them so I can inspect them. They both have the tattoos I've seen on Azgeda men, and they each have some of the white paint on their faces. In fact, they look no different than the bounty hunter we found at Nylah's. But if they were hunting Clarke, how could she take down the two of them? They're bigger and stronger and they're skilled warriors - but most importantly, there's two of them. Clarke was never a warrior. Yet they both went down by either swords or axes. Swords, more like. Who did this?

She can't be alone.

''We need to get those bodies off the field,'' Pike urges, ''Unless you’re good with them thinking we did this!''

''Go, hurry,'' Kane orders, but I already have one of them, hauling, by the time Pike runs to my help.

''Help me with this one,'' I say almost calmly, but that sound is getting louder and the truth of the matter is that I'm starting to panic.

''Wait!'' Bell says, ''Two people at twelve o' clock.''

Instinctively, we crouch in the grass as Bellamy watches through the scope. Then after a moment too long, he says:

''It's Clarke.''

And I can't even have it properly sink into my mind what he's said before he starts running. I can't even think to warn him, let alone stop him. It all happens so fast, in one breathless moment. Pike is the only one to react quickly, dropping the corpse's legs and running after Bellamy to stop him. The reality of this moment will catch up with me later, as will the gratitude for the fact that we have Pike here with us. Bellamy being Bellamy, he could have run off into his own death.

''Get out of my way!'' Bellamy insists, but Pike has kept him safe.

''You'll never make it in time,'' he insists right back.

''He's right,'' Monty says, running up to them, and I'm grateful because Monty's is one of the few voices Bellamy will always listen to, ''Look.''

Bellamy looks through his scope, but in a moment he doesn't have to. I can see the army with my own eyes. The sight of them is mesmerizing, as they march through the trees up across. Infantry. Cavalry. Their banners stretched out on large poles. Shield flanks and archers in the vanguard. Drums below the banners and shouts among them all. And it's only a glimpse, they have to be stretching for miles.

We have to hide, I know, but all I can do is stand next to Monty now and watch.

''No way we get across without being seen,'' he adds.

''We need to hide,'' I find my voice.

''Tasha's right. We should lay low,'' Pike agrees, ''Let the army pass, then we find Clarke.''

I look the other way, toward where Bell spotted her, but she must be already gone. I can't see a sign of her now.

''She'll be leaving tracks,'' I tell him, ''We'll find her, Bell. But we have to hide, now.''

''Guys, there's a cave,'' Monty informs us once he spots it in the mountain-side to the east. Bingo.

''Can we make it?'' I ask.

''More moving less asking,'' Pike gives a smile as we rush to move, ''We just got lucky.''

So we haul the bodies - and we're lucky I've spotted the third one too - and when we get inside the cave and I give an exhale of elation at our newly-acquired safety, I realize one of us is missing.

''Where's Indra?!''

''Went to warn the commander,'' Kane explains to me, ''Ice Nation armies are crossing the border. It means they march against Lexa.''

I'd almost be happy about that, if it didn't mean our own safety jeopardized. If one clan breaks the peace, we're all at war. This can't happen.

''One of us should have gone with her,'' I say, because Indra or not, she's one warrior travelling alone in a land now infested by enemies. Once upon a time I would have volunteered myself, but now Lexa would likely have me killed the moment I step foot in Polis or wherever the hell she is right now. I'd be walking right into it.

''It's Indra,'' Kane only says, with a hand on my shoulder, ''She'll make it.''

*

I don't know how long it's been, but the sun has crossed over to the other side of the sky and the army is so large that they're still crossing the field. Everyone in the cave has gone somewhat quiet by now, trying to use this time to rest the limbs at least, if nothing else. I don't think anyone's immune to the sound of the vast army, and it's largely affected our moods. Hannah's story of how Monty's father died didn't help either. Neither did the story of Mount Weather. Now Bellamy and I sit at the mouth of the cave, to keep watch, but I'm the only one doing the watching. Bellamy is seated on a rock on the other side, away from me, and his eyes are everywhere and nowhere. His thoughts, though, are in one place only, I know.

The sun is about to go behind the mountain-peaks soon now. The last of the army is crossing on the other side, but I know it's still not safe. We need to scout first.

Bellamy reads my mind.

''I think that's the last of them but Tasha and I should scout ahead first,'' Bellamy says as he stands up, ''Just the surrounding area, to be safe.''

''My thoughts exactly,'' I say, nudging one of the dead Grounders with my foot, ''Camouflage?''

Bellamy only gives a nod, and in a few moments we look like Azgeda, hooded and all. Kane tells us to stay safe, but the statement sounds ludicrous and ridiculous to me. Nothing about this is safe. But we're out anyway.

''Split up. You go north, I go south,'' Bell says after a short hike, ''Meet you back here.''

''South? Bellamy, Azgeda just crossed south.''

''I look like them, remember?''

''Right,'' I nod, not liking this at all, ''Don't come too near.''

''I won't.''

With a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, we part. The Azgeda army can still be heard, as Bellamy walks after their tail. 

*

I'm the first to come back, but when I don't find Bell on our agreed spot, I think that he's probably the one that's come back first and gone back to the cave. Because I've been out for a while I think, stuck behind a rock until a few stray Azgeda warriors were gone. I may have taken longer than I thought.

So I go straight back to the cave.

''All clear north of here now- Wait, where's Bell?''

They look alarmed at the sight of me for a second, before they realize who I am. I've forgotten I look Azgeda. That's a bit careless, I could have earned myself a knife in a part of my body.

''What do you mean?'' Kane stands up to ask, ''He's not with you?''

''We split up. He said he'd meet me back in the grove, but... I thought he might have returned first.''

It dawns on me just as I'm finishing that sentence. _Of course._

''Oh, crap,'' Monty says, ''Bellamy, what are you doing?''

*

I shed the Azgeda furs literally as we run, bit by bit. We have to catch up with him before he gets himself killed, and he couldn't be too far ahead of us if we keep this pace. We can't stop for a second. The trick is staying stealthy as we go though, because getting speared on our chase would kind of beat the purpose of everything.

I don't want to think about the possibility of something happening to him. _That_ I just couldn't take. It would be the final blow to completely destroy me.

I run faster.

*

We find Bellamy leaning against a tree, clearly weak and injured, and my heart skips a beat at the sight of him.

''Bellamy!'' I call out instinctively, panicking over the way he's trying to limp, pressing a hand against his thigh. I sound calmer than I am.

''He's hurt,'' Monty says, but I know he's lucky he's not dead.

''We told you to wait for the army to move,'' Kane chides him, but Bellamy is writhing in pain, back against the tree, not caring to hear it.

''What happened?'' Monty asks him. I don't care about the details, I'm already down and inspecting the injury. It looks like a knife wound.

''I almost got her,'' Bell replies, but all I can think about is _I have nothing to bandage him with_. The shirt below my vest? No, it wouldn't be enough. The wound is leaking blood even as he presses against it. It's deep enough for muscle tissue to be teared up. It needs proper bandaging, to stop the blood flow. And he'll have to rest awhile before that muscle heals.

''Pike, find their trail,'' Kane orders.

''It's useless,'' Pike replies, ''He knows he's being followed now.''

''He needs this bandaged,'' I say, to no one in particular, because it's the only thing I care about at the moment. But Bellamy pushes himself off that tree and tries to limp ahead anyway.

''Hey!'' I call out, but Kane's got it covered.

''Hey. You can't even walk,'' he grabs a hold of him.

''So what, we give up?'' Bell asks, and the pain in his eyes, in his voice - it tears me up, ''Let him kill her?''

''Of course not,'' I say. 

''I want to find her too,'' Monty steps in - the voice Bellamy listens to, ''But look at your leg. You could die out here. We have no trail.''

''We can't lose Clarke,'' Bell tells him, and he's so close to tears that my heart hurts so much I feel like it might burst, ''We can't lose her.''

''I know we can't,'' I step in front of him, place a hand on his cheek so he'll look at me, ''After everything and everyone, we can't. Not her too. And we won't.''

And I mean every word of it. Clarke Griffin is a part of me. It's a part I love and hate in equal measure, but it's a part of me nevertheless. It's also a part I need to make peace with before our time runs out. I need her back.

''We'll find her, okay?'' Monty says, ''We will figure something out, I promise. But this isn't the way.''

Bellamy swallows something hard and painful, before he agrees in defeat.

''Okay.''

''Come on, now,'' I move the wet curls off his sweaty forehead before snaking an arm around him to give him some support, and I think about how I'd like to kiss him. Right there where those dark curls have just been. ''We need to get you home and get you patched up.''

Monty gives his support on the other side, and we take our first tentative step back toward home.

*

Jackson gets to patching Bellamy up the moment Monty and I help him sit down on one of the beds. It's barely a few minutes before Gina comes rushing in, upset. Whoever's informed her right away, ''she came as soon as she could''. So Monty and I leave them with Jackson. She'll probably give him that kiss he needs and deserves right now.

''I need a drink,'' Monty says as we walk down the hallway, and it sounds so odd coming from him. He's the one that used to make the moonshine back in our Drop-Ship camp, but he was never one to like a drink.

''I need food,'' I realize as I suddenly feel my stomach growl at the thought.

''Both, then,'' Monty agrees, as we step into the mess hall.

There's more people than I'm in the mood for, but I'm too tired to care. So I sit at the bar area while Monty goes to get us something to snack on and I just try not to fall asleep with my face against the surface. And I think I desperately need a shower.

When he returns, Monty puts a bowl of meat strips and some nuts in front of us. It's no feast but our rations are getting worse every day.

''God,'' I say out loud, ''I can't even look at food now without thinking about what Clarke has to eat.''

It's so true too, because up until today she was almost mythical. Not a real and immediate problem. And I never doubted she'd find a place and take care of herself. But tonight I know better. Because we came so close. And we know what kind of trouble she's in. 

And suddenly my appetite is gone.

''If we don't eat there won't be anyone to bring her back,'' Monty says as he takes a bite, before giving me a nudge with his shoulder. I make myself take a strip, but all too soon I feel like I can't eat anymore.

''I need to go check on Jasper,'' I remember, realizing that whole spectacle happened two days ago now. It feels like a week and an hour ago at the same time. I need sleep, and desperately so.

''I'll see him tomorrow,'' Monty only says, taking a sip of his well-earned drink. I understand.

I look around the room. Most of these people have no idea what's going on just yet. They're engaged in mindless chatter, smiles of blissful ignorance on their faces. And I'm glad about it.

Then I spot Nathan and Bryan sitting very close together in the far corner of the room, and if they were any closer they'd be cuddling right then and there. I can't help my grin. When I realize I'm sitting with Monty though, something else mixes in.

''Gonna go say hi,'' I tell Monty anyway before I get up, a glass of my own in hand. I make my way across the room and toward the reunited couple.

''Guess this means I lose my tent-mate,'' I smile as I stretch a hand over their small table, ''We never properly met. I'm Tasha.''

''Bryan,'' the boy shakes my hand with a smile, ''Nate's told me a lot about you.''

''All the times I've saved his ass, I hope,'' I grin.

''Yeah, right,'' Nate scoffs before a grin, ''More like how I've been babysitting yours.''

''Ha ha.''

Bryan laughs at our exchange, finding this banter amusing if not endearing. ''Care for a drink?'' he asks me.

''Nah, I'll leave you to it. Besides, I haven't slept in days. I'm gonna go comatose. A lot happened today.''

Nathan's face goes serious. ''I've heard,'' he says as he rubs his boyfriend's arm comfortingly, ''Tell me all about it tomorrow?''

''Sure,'' I say and make to walk away, but I stop in my tracks when I remember and turn right back, ''By the way, where exactly _do_ I sleep tonight?''

''Most of the tents were taken down,'' Nate says, ''Nights are getting a lot colder and Wick's got both G and H corridor working so... pick a room.''

''Are you serious?!'' I almost shriek in sudden excitement.

''Dead serious,'' he smiles.

''Don't mess with me, Nate,'' I point a threatening finger, ''I'll shoot you in a foot if you're messing with me.''

''I'm not messing with you,'' he laughs, ''Four walls. A ceiling. A door... Dead serious.''

Instead of a reply, I just grab his face and smack a loud kiss on his cheek. He grumbles, but Bryan laughs wholeheartedly, before I rush off to get my stuff and do the moving. I'm sleeping in a real room tonight.

''Ow! God, Macallan, watch where you're going!''

''Sorry-''

''Wait, what happened to you?!''

The bruise on Macallan's face has to hurt more than his bumping into me at the hallway entrance. It's getting green at the edges.

''Nevermind.''

''Did you earn that in training?''

''I said nevermind,'' he says, before striding past me and away. What the hell's happened here while we've been gone?

I can't think about that right now. Instead I go get my bundle and make my way toward the farther corridors, trying to find Wick. I'm picking a God damn room.


	13. Chapter 13

Having Jasper as my room-mate has been an odd experience. Most of the time I don't know if he manages to bum me out or if I manage to cheer him up. Usually we're somewhere in between, but I'm grateful for him either way. I still hate being alone at night, and I'm thinking this has been good for him too - it might just be the rations doing the work, but he's been far less drunk lately. 

I did try to set some ''ground rules'', though, and they might have worked too. 

''Okay, here's a deal,'' I told him that day as we tried to tidy up a bit, ''No more getting drunk, unless we're together.'' 

''And what we'd accomplish is....?'' 

''I'm not saying you can't have a drink or two on your own,'' I said as I folded the two very precious spare shirts and put them on the small shelf, ''But if you plan to, like, get _really_ drunk, you should just tell me so we can get the booze and seal the damn door and get wasted here.'' 

''Okay, I see what you mean,'' he said as he wiped the thin layer of dust with an old rag off of the small desk, ''There's only the problem of you being a lightweight, though. So I won't even be able to get properly wasted just so I could watch out for you.'' 

I turned around to bat my eyelashes at him innocently. He chuckled. ''Oh, you're good,'' he shook a finger at me, ''Real good.'' 

''Nah, for real though! Jasper, we're no longer making scenes just 'cause we don't have our shit together,'' I said, ''Macallan's face is still messed up, you almost got yourself killed by Azgeda, and I almost started a war saving your ass. We're _way_ out of line!'' 

Jasper didn't reply because he knew I was right, and there wasn't much to say. 

''Besides,'' I added, ''If not for that than for our own damn pride. Quite frankly, I'm sick of the looks people have been giving us. If you want their pity mixed with scorn and fear, suit yourself. Raven and I are over it.'' 

''No, you're right,'' he sat down on the bed only to throw himself back right afterwards, ''I know I gotta take it down a notch. I'm not that much of an idiot.'' 

''I never said you were,'' I said as I sat beside him - when he had longer hair I always used to run my fingers through it for comfort, but that element is gone now, ''You're in pain. You're dealing with it the only way you know how.'' 

''The only way it works,'' he said. 

''And I can't take that away from you but I won't let you destroy yourself either.'' 

''There's nothing to destroy anymore,'' he said, ''We're way past that.'' 

''That's not true,'' I rubbed his arm, ''Either way, if you knock at that door piss drunk, you're staying behind them I swear to God. Wick gave _me_ the security clearance.'' 

He gave me a sort of a military salute with an ''aye aye captain'' and I kissed his cheek and left it at that. 

He hasn't been piss drunk in days. 

It's been about a week since that whole fiasco happened. Bellamy was released immediately with a warning from Jackson not to strain the leg for a few days, but he's pretty much walking without a limp right now. That's good. I haven't been able to get Clarke out of my head, and I'm pretty sure that neither has he. Or Nathan. Or Monty. We need to be ready.

Well, at least now we know where Clarke is and how to get her. The summit is tomorrow, which will be a good chance to negotiate a few other things as well. Lincoln's kill order, trade routes and relations, free passage, my own head could probably be squeezed in there too... But I don't trust Lexa. Even if she secured all these things, she wouldn't do it without something of equal weight in return. Representatives of all twelve Grounder clans we'll be there... and us. Abby better tighten up on security. 

No use worrying about it now, I decide, as I go hold my Earth Skills class. _Pike should be doing this now, not me._

And it's as though I've summoned him with my mind when I meet him in the hallway leading to the classroom. 

''Good morning, sir,'' I give him a smile, because he never greets me without a heart-warming one. 

''Hurrying somewhere?'' he asks as we walk together. 

''Earth Skills.'' 

''Right,'' he nods with a wider smile, ''I've heard,'' he pauses for a moment, then speaks again, ''You make me proud.'' 

''Proud? Sir, I've been trying to teach these kids what I know but by rights you should be doing it. I can't even nearl-'' 

''Stop, stop, stop,'' he puts up a hand to break off my rambling, then stops walking altogether just to speak to me, ''You've done good here, kid. Marcus tells me so, at least,'' he smiles, his hand on my arm, ''He's proud too, of all of you kids, like you're all his own. And he has every damn right to be. I'm sure your parents would be proud too.'' 

Something breaks inside of me at that, but I don't let it show. I only give a small, firm nod. ''Thank you, sir.'' 

''Besides, I've got too much going on right now,'' he says, ''I need to be there for my people. I need to be a leader now, not a teacher again. One day, maybe... when all is settled down.''

Something about the way he's said that sends a chill through my spine. When all is settled down? Am I missing something? Do people expect a war again, despite everything? Am I the only one oblivious to it?

I should be at that summit tomorrow.

* 

''Sir-'' 

''Not now, Tasha,'' Kane says, his eyes never leaving the screen. He's re-calculating rations, I know. He has to have gone over it a hundred times at least, but I've never thought too much about in how bad a situation we just might be. It's like maybe if he goes over it all a few more times, a new, miraculous solution will pop up. Sometimes it makes me worry, but I don't doubt we can go through the winter on our meager rations. We've stocked up, we just have to eat smart. Or at least that's what I've thought all this while.

''I wanted to talk to you about the summit-'' 

''If you've come to tell me you want to go, let me stop you right there. I've refused Bellamy, I'm not gonna let you come either.'' 

''Clarke's gonna need one of us there.'' 

''She'll have her mother there,'' he looks at me for the first time, ''I'm sorry but I won't trust any of you with a task this delicate again. This summit is too important.'' 

''Sir, we've only ever done what we've had to do-'' 

''-And now you won't be put in that situation at all,'' he argues, ''I'm teaching Bellamy a lesson, but it's time you learned it too.'' 

I'm getting angry, and I'm not even sure why exactly. After everything we've had to do, Kane's insinuating we've had to do it because of our own recklessness? 

''All I'm saying, sir,'' I say slowly, calmly, ''Is that Clarke's gone through a whole lot of trauma and at least one more familiar face among all those who betrayed her would help more than you can imagine.'' 

He doesn't understand; I know he doesn't. And how could he? He hasn't been here since the beginning. He couldn't even begin to comprehend what kind of bond holds us all together. If Clarke is with Lexa, I know nothing would heal her more than seeing one of us there, even if it's me or Octavia or Raven. Each of us knows what that kind of trauma feels like. And even when we can't bear to even speak with one another, we'll still protect each other. That's the way it's always worked, and that's what's kept us alive. 

''I understand that,'' he says, oh the irony, ''But I also understand that you personally attacked Lexa in front of Mount Weather-'' 

''Can you blame me?!?'' 

''... _And though I can't blame you_ ,'' he raises his voice over mine a bit, ''It doesn't change the fact that your life would be on the line the moment we've stepped into Polis. I wouldn't be able to protect you until the summit's officially started. And anything could happen by then. I'm not risking you nor Lincoln in that way. You're not crossing paths with Lexa until we're done negotiating. Do you understand that?'' 

And I know that's it. Negotiations are done. And I know it's bigger than me, or Lincoln, or Bellamy. He doesn't trust anyone but himself with this. 

''Yes, sir.'' 

''Good. Now, Pike's moving his people into Mount Weather tomorrow-'' 

''What?! Sir-'' 

''I know,'' he stops me, ''I know. But it's Abby's decision.'' 

Taking all the medical supplies is one thing, and even altogether using the whole hospital ward wouldn't be so bad. I heard about the whole thing with Nyko, and we could save so many lives the way Abby saved his. But _moving in?!_

I feel my stomach churning, like I'm going to be physically sick. I don't know why it upsets me this much. Yes, it makes me feel uncomfortable because I don't think it's a good political move, but I'm _disturbed_ by the very image of people living in there again. That place has seen too much blood. Children have died so we could be free of the mountain's chains, and now there's people deliberately moving in? 

I can't even try to voice any of this. 

''I want you there tomorrow. Help bring them supplies,'' Kane says. 

''Do I have to?'' _I hate that place._

''You don't,'' he replies, ''But I've got Raven on Sinclair's tech jobs, Bellamy and Gina on supplies, and I'd like you and Octavia as security.'' 

''Security,'' I say instead of ask. 

''Right,'' he says, ''After everything... just in case.'' 

''Alright,'' I say, but I don't like any of this. Yet guards have listened to me and followed my lead before, and I probably have more scouting and watch-standing experience than most, so I guess it makes sense. Not that anyone would dare try and make trouble around while Lexa holds a summit. No outlaw would dare come near the mountain when they know they're so outnumbered. 

''Mount Weather it is, then.''


	14. Chapter 14

''You guys, did I ever tell you how I saved Sinclair's ass on the Ark?''  
  
''Please don't,'' Octavia almost groans.  
  
''Not again, Rey,'' I can't help but laugh. Raven goes on to tell the story anyway, but Gina seems to be the only one caught up and immersed in it. Me and O have heard the anecdote before, but I don't mind Raven's mindless chatter and her banter with Gina. In fact, it's a welcome distraction. I can't get Clarke off my mind, or the summit. I can't help casting glances at Bellamy's leg either. He's not exactly limping, but he's definitely favoring his left a bit.  
  
''I'm fine,'' he gives a small smile when he catches me in worry.  
  
''You'd think you'd get less reckless with time, but nooo,'' I chide him.  
  
''Trust me, it's a lesson learned this time around,'' he replies, but suddenly all humor is gone from him. His eyes are now somehow distant, like he's not really here with me anymore but deep in a sudden whirlpool of thoughts I couldn't possibly breach. It sends a slight chill through me. Is he okay? Did this whole thing hit him harder than I thought? Maybe I'm imagining things, because when I speak again, he seems to wake up from it.  
  
''Tell that to Kane,'' I complain.  
  
''He's teaching you too?'' he smiles again, and I feel some relief flood through me.   
  
''Well, you know him.''  
  
''That I do.''  
  
Stepping into the mountain stops our chatter. And the moment I enter that hallway I want to be anywhere else in the world. It's like the walls are too close together and the ceiling too low and they all might just start moving until they press against me and I suffocate. That's how it feels every time, but every time I've made myself go anyway because I knew I had to deal with it. I couldn't and cannot have the ghost of a mountain beat me. Especially when I didn't let it beat me while it was still alive and crawling with enemies.  
  
 _Luckily, I'm on a scouting mission and my ass will be out of here as soon as we re-group._  
  
One turn to the left, toward a familiar place, and the chatter starts again, but not ours. We can hear people talk and laugh and I even catch a sound of glasses clinking together and I know it's Pike's people residing in the mess hall. I know it's them, yet when I visualize it in my mind I see dead people scattered across the room with their skin burnt and torn apart, wounds gaping, pus and blood leaking. I could swear I can smell it, too.   
  
''Hey. Tasha? Hey,'' I hear Gina's voice just as I feel a hand on my shoulder, ''Are you okay?''  
  
When did I close my eyes? I don't remember doing it. I'm leaning against the wall in front of the entrance of the mess hall, and when I open my eyes it's Gina's concerned face I see. I'm breathing more heavily, and there's cold sweat covering my skin, and a sudden shiver goes through me. When did any of this happen to me?  
  
''Yeah,'' I find my voice, though it sounds a bit different to my ears. The others have already entered, it seems, because it's only Gina here with me.  
  
''Are you sure?'' she asks.

''Yeah,'' I push myself off the wall, and swallow just to freshen up my throat, ''Yeah, just, uh- just a bout of dizziness,'' I lie, ''Didn't get much sleep last night.''  
  
I don't know if she's buying it, but she takes a moment before her hand leaves my arm and she gives me a small nod.  
  
''Don't be a stranger,'' she gives a barely visible smile, ''If you start feeling sick, say it. To anyone.''  
  
''Yeah... Thanks,'' I manage to smile right back, still confused by what just happened. I'm back in reality now, though, and an irrational part of me wishes Gina wasn't this nice. I can see why Bellamy's found comfort in her. Gina is one of those people that doesn't even have to necessarily say or do anything, and you feel good and comfortable just in her presence alone. I like her a lot.  
  
''Let's head inside,'' she nudges her head toward the entrance, and we follow.  
  
The whole dining area is full, but it's filled with people alive and healthy instead of the corpses from my vision. Somehow, the sight still makes me shiver. Why does this sit so unwell with me? I can hardly bear looking at them, talking and smiling and laughing and drinking like this place isn't haunted by the memory of children who perished here in terrible agony. It just feels wrong. I don't exactly know right now why it should feel _this_ wrong, but it just does.   
  
''Welcome,'' Pike stands up and spreads his arms wide to welcome us with a smile, ''Come, join us.''  
  
''Someone's made themselves at home,'' Raven mutters.  
  
''There must be thirty of them in here,'' Octavia says, and I know just by the sound of her voice that I'm not the only one upset by this.  
  
''Thirty-six,'' Pike corrects her, ''But the more the merrier.''  
  
''Thirty-six? Wow. The Grounders are gonna think we moved in,'' says O.  
  
''Well, there was no room at the inn,'' replies Pike.  
  
''And this is your option?!''  
  
''O...'' Bellamy pleads, but Octavia's just done and over it.   
  
''I'm out of here,'' she says before she storms right out.  
  
''Spirited,'' Pike comments good-naturedly when she's gone, to which Bellamy nods with a smile.  
  
''Yeah,'' he admits.  
  
''And she's right, too,'' I say, which makes them both just stop and stare at me for a short moment, before I continue right on, ''And you know it. Sir, I'm not trying to oppose you for the sake of opposing you, but if they think we're colonizing this place, we might be in for a whole lotta trouble.''  
  
''I know you're not,'' my old professor smiles and places a hand on my shoulder, before the smile turns into a grin, ''You're thinking strategically, like a soldier,'' he taps a forefinger against his temple, ''That gun looks good on you.''  
  
I smile back, but a tired huff escapes me instead of a laugh. I'm hardly a soldier, but surviving this place since that Drop-Ship hit the ground has turned most of us into something very much alike. We never had a choice. And everything we've been through has _made us_ think strategically. Sometimes I think we're more mindful of the way politics work around here than the adults, and we're supposed to be the kids and the ones to let them take over the whole deal. Some of the decisions Abby's been making have literally put us on razor's edge. I just hope this won't be the one to cut us.  
  
''But don't worry,'' he adds, ''We've got everything under control. We're tough and prepared.''  
  
''Right. Well, I'm on scouting today. This whole summit thing might draw out the scummiest scum of this earth. I'm gonna find Dwyght.''  
  
''I'm gonna get this done,'' Bell says, ''Then I'm gonna check on O.''  
  
*  
  
We've split into three teams of three each, but this guard me and Dwyght got stuck with is giving me all sorts of unfriendly vibes. Sometimes in life you meet someone and their energy alone is enough to make you dislike them. This Robson dude is like that, to me. He's one of Pike's and even Dwyght doesn't know him very well since they both served on different stations back on the Ark. I just plain, good ol', easy and simple, _do not_ like him.

I don't mind Robson's unfriendly silence when I have Dwyght next to me and we can fill up the stark air with quiet mindless chatter, though. Yet for some reason I still wish Nathan was with us instead.  
  
''You okay, kiddo?'' Dwyght asks me as we walk the perimeter, Robson keeping a couple of feet behind us.  
  
''Yeah, why?'' I ask, and I have to look up to meet his eyes. He has to be two heads taller than me, and as wide in the shoulders as me times two. A big man, with a heart even bigger. A heart so big I suppose it barely fits him. I've liked Dwyght since the first time we met, and we've gone through some things together since then that have made me like him even more. He has to be ten years older than me at least, though I've never asked. Yet I consider him a friend, and someone I could trust.  
  
''You look a lil' pale.''  
  
''I think I had some sort of anxiety attack back there,'' I admit, surprising myself. Why am I being honest with him when I lied to Gina? ''... Or whatever that was.''  
  
''Maybe you should sit this one out.''  
  
''No, I'm fine now,'' I say, but before I can even finish the sentence, he's handed me his water bottle. I take a sip, not wanting to argue. I have water of my own in the small backpack I dragged along.  
  
''You're one tough lil' cookie.''

''A cookie? Come on, Dwyght, I'm way tougher than a cookie,'' I grin, but it almost takes effort. Why do I feel tired already? We've barely just come here. Could it be I really had some sort of attack back there that just shook all the energy right out of me?

''Yeah, you are,'' he chuckles with a nod, before he takes a sip of water himself, then packs up the bottle, ''This place... it's useful, but I wish we could just leave it behind. Once and for all. After everything... You know?''  
  
''Yeah.''  
  
''You kids shouldn't have to go through it all over and over again.''  
  
''I didn't _have_ to. I _wanted_ to. I don't want it to haunt me for the rest of my life, you know? Gotta face it.''  
  
''As I said, tough cookie-''  
  
'' _Hold up_ ,'' I bar him with my arm even before I hiss in a whisper, and we instantly freeze. I strain my eyes to see, but whatever it was I thought I saw was too far down through the forest patch anyway. I take out my bow and have an arrow ready almost instinctively. Dwyght follows raising his rifle, and so does Robson, catching up and taking my left.  
  
''I'm taking point-''  
  
''No,'' I stop him just as he takes one step ahead of me. Kane's orders have always been non-lethal response, but I'm pretty sure this man answers to Pike only, despite our meager laws. And the way Pike's people have done it has been pretty bloody up until now. Rightfully so, too; but we can't have that now in these shaky and uncertain times. Wrong person shot and all goes to hell.  
  
'' _I'm_ taking point,'' I say, ''Dwyght, behind me. Robson, watch our six.''  
  
We go in file, almost crouching to keep low, staying to the shadows and keeping as quiet as possible. Then I see it again, and freeze by instinct. Movement. Could it be an animal? I don't think so. '' _Someone's there_ ,'' I whisper, and I think Dwyght's figured it out too. Someone's traveling these woods trying to stay hidden. A deer would have popped right out. Only Tri Kru use the trees and are able to make the bushes their second skin. Could it be just an outlaw? And could they be alone?   
  
After a few steps, I signal a split up, and Dwyght takes the left whereas Robson takes the right. I keep ahead, still trying to maintain stealth, arrow ready. And it's barely a few breaths before the Grounder hops out of the bushes, catches onto a tree branch and locks onto it with her feet. She twists fast and climbs up even faster - or at least I think it's a she because it barely took her a moment and I couldn't have even had a proper glimpse. I don't recall seeing _one_ Grounder do it better, not even when they hunted us from up top. I've loosed a warning arrow instantly, but she's already up, shrouded and hidden. _She's faster than arrows_.  
  
''Chon yu bilaik?! ( _Who are you?_ )'' I demand, close enough to the tree but far enough should I be attacked. I can see Dwyght and Robson taking the flanks. She's surrounded, unless there's more of them. ''Gada bilaik osir don sis yu op der. Ge au hir. Osir nou na bash yo op. ( _Looks like we caught you there. Get out here. We mean you no harm_.)''  
  
''Chon _yu_ bilaik?! Yu don fayogon- Yu Skaikru?! ( _Who are you?! You have firearms- You Sky-people?!_)''  
  
Definitely a woman. A young, agile Grounder who can damn well take care of herself. I don't want to underestimate her. I'm even more cautious now.  
  
''Sha. Chit yu gaf? Haukom yu kamp raun hir? ( _Yes. What do you want? Why are you here?_ )'' I ask carefully.  
  
''Ste lufa Skaikru au. ( _I'm looking for Skaikru._ )''  
  
Looking for us? Did Kane and Indra send her? Is something going on?  
  
I don't even have time to ask. ''No more chatting,'' Robson says, before he slams the tree hard enough for it to shake, ''Get out of the tree!!!''  
  
''Robson, cut it out,'' Dwyght interferes, ''She's got this-''  
  
''Sorry, but _I_ don't speak Grounder,'' he says before he slams into the tree again.  
  
''Stop!!'' I shout, ''Ge au hir, osir nou na bash yo op, ai swega klin!!! ( _Get out here, we mean you no harm, I promise!!!_ )''  
  
''Ha ai na wich yu in?! ( _Why should I believe you?!_ )''  
  
''Yu souda ( _You must_ ),'' I say, shooting a warning glare Robson's way. He doesn't like it, but he obeys, staying where he is. We wait a breathless moment, and it's as though she's deciding. Then we see movement. And step by step, carefully through the shimmering leaves, the woman climbs down until her feet hit the ground ever so lightly. Funnily enough, she makes me think of elves from my favorite movies. She's almost feather-light.  
  
The moment she stand upright, hands in the air, Dwyght and Robson lift up their rifles. I lower my bow instead. She's pretty, but I see no Tri Kru tattoos. She could be of any one of the other clans, including Azgeda.  
  
''Yu laik soulou? ( _Are you alone?_ )'' I ask.  
  
''Sha. Ai laik Echo kom Azgedakru en ai's trana sis au. ( _Yes, I'm Echo of the Ice Nation and I'm trying to help you._ )''  
  
Hearing ''Azgedakru'' is all it took. Even Robson understands that much. In barely a moment he has her disabled with her hands behind her back, and if it hadn't been for the element of surprise I'm sure she would have overpowered him instead.  
  
''You'll forgive us if we're a little distrustful of Azgeda right now,'' he says right into her ear.  
  
''I am trying to help you, _scum_ ,'' she hisses.  
  
''Oh, so _now_ she speaks proper English!''  
  
''Stop it!'' I warn him, but I don't tell him to let her go, ''What do you mean you're trying to help us?''  
  
''The summit is a trap, they will kill your people.''  
  
''Thaaat's it, move,'' Robson pushes her, ''We're taking her back for that threat.''  
  
''It's not a threat, it's a warning!''  
  
''What are you talking about?!'' I ask. _The summit is a trap?_ Could it be? But why should we trust her? Why would she warn us? I feel fear slowly creeping in, even though I don't want to believe her. _The summit is a trap.  
_  
''Move!'' Robson growls, making her stumble ahead.  
  
''Easy,'' I insist, because he's roughing her up and though we have to take her back, we don't have to treat her like a wild animal on a leash. Robson doesn't listen though, and all Dwyght can do is take her other side and ease it up a bit as we take our captive back to the mountain.  
  
 _The summit is a trap._  
  
Could it be?  
  
''I came here to warn you-'', she grumbles on the way.  
  
''I'd save the words if I were you,'' Robson tells her, ''Pike's gonna need them.''  
  
And she better sing.  
  



	15. Chapter 15

''I don't feel too good about this,'' Dwyght tells me as I gear up.

''Neither do I, but we don't have a choice,'' I reply as I strap up the handgun to my thigh and sling Freyja over my shoulder, ''If she's lying, great. If she's not, we need to stop them.''

''Yes, but if she is, why would she?'' he grabs my arm to ask just as I'm about to walk out, ''What would it achieve?''

 _Don't be quite so distrustful, my dear friend,_ I think. But I don't say it, because it's a good question, and I know it. It's also one we don't have time to answer right now. ''Protect them'' is all I say before I catch up with the rest and get in the rover, behind the wheel.

It turns out that Bellamy knew this girl Echo and that she helped him back in the mountain, and he trusts her completely. If that's the case then I'm willing to trust her too. Octavia and I released her the moment he recognized her, and when we brought her to Pike she had quite a lot to say. Every word of it made every hair on my body stand upright, and the fact that even Pike, who is so distrustful of all Grounders, believes her - it makes it all even worse. And now I'm driving to Polis with Echo's directions and my feet and hands all shaky because no one was responding to the damn radios and Bell is still trying to reach them but to no avail. No one's responding. What the hell is going on? The response we're not getting is making me even more nervous, and not to mention Pike's readiness to use Mount Weather's missiles. It can't come to that.

God damn it. The worst thing is - he's right. Should it come to conflict, we don't have the numbers to prevail and survive, and those missiles could be our only chance. As much as I'd hate to use them. It's not what we'd _like_ to do, it's what we _have_ to do to survive. That's how it's always been, and a haunted mountain stands testimony to it.

My mind is racing so much that I've almost run this rover into a ditch two times already, but with the pace at which I'm driving it's really no wonder. We need to get there before sundown and if anyone's going to die today I don't want it to be because I was too damn slow behind the God damn wheel.

Luckily, the sun is still some way off when we park the rover just outside of Polis. It's almost like the old times with me and the Blakes always going into the midst of trouble together, but I'm glad Mr. Pike's with us too. For some odd reason, he makes me feel safe and protected even though I know I'm not. What kind of issues am I projecting onto him? I don't even want to think in that direction right now.

''Where are the guards?'' Bell asks when we get out of the vehicle, ''Protocol would be to leave someone behind.''

''There's our rover,'' I point ahead. It's shrouded by the growth on the side of the road but I don't see anyone standing sentry outside. Would they be so relaxed and reckless to just stay in the car and not stand watch and scout around a little bit? I immediately realize that _no, they wouldn't,_ and it's like my insides sink right into my heels the moment it dawns on me. I know even before Octavia runs up to check.

''This was your people!'' Pike growls at Echo, but she tells him to screw himself instead, and all I can do is stare at the slit throats of the two guards with familiar faces inside the rover. _That's two,_ I think. First two dead since Mount Weather. That's literally all I can think about right now. The newly started body count.

This could have been me and Bell.

''This proves she was telling the truth,'' I can hear O say.

''We don't have time for this,'' Bell argues, ''The attack is at sundown.''

''I'm not leaving my blade here.''

''And I'm sure as hell not leaving the bow,'' I say. Freyja has brought me luck so far, I think superstitiously, but the real reason why I really need her right now is that she's better than a gun. Does the same job, but silently. And something tells me we're going to need that.

''None of us are,'' Echo says, ''We go in through the tunnels. The entrance is this way.''

And so we follow.

*

I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't this. Maybe something like the Grounder villages around our perimeter, or maybe just Tondc but bigger. Polis is huge, and its streets bustling and bursting with life, and that's only what I've managed to gather in the few moments I barely caught before we slipped into the tunnels.

''How much further?'' Bellamy asks as we run blindly after Echo. It's good that they brought flashlights too because I feel like one wrong turn and misplaced foot would be enough to make one fall three stories under. These tunnels are old and weathered, and the darkness and close air makes me even more nervous. I run with an arrow already nocked, just in case, because all of my instincts are tingling.

''We're almost there,'' Echo replies, ''The elevator shaft is just ahead.''

''Two guards,'' Bellamy stops us before we make a turn. I take a peek out, and sure enough there's two burly looking Grounders standing in front of the elevator shaft, their backs turned to us. 

''They raise the lift,'' Echo explains, ''The elevator shaft is our only way in. We have to climb.''

''I got left,'' Pike says before he walks out into the darkness, like it didn't take him a split-second to decide, and Bellamy follows right after. Pike manages to take down the Grounder pretty fast, but Bellamy struggles just a moment too long and enough to make me uneasy, and before Pike can even move to help I get a clear shot and I don't question it. My arrow gets stuck in the Grounders shoulder and it gives Bellamy the window to finish him off.

''What is wrong with you?'' Octavia asks them when we get to the shaft, ''You didn't have to kill them!''

That gives me a momentary reality check. What is wrong with _me_?! They should have put them to sleep, not kill them, and I shouldn't be okay with the fact that they did. But I'm not repulsed at all. I'm scared and anxious and I just want to get our people out and go home and I wish I cared about the two Grounders below our feet when the only family we've managed to form might get killed with sundown right above our heads. But I don't care. What have I turned into?! I could shove them down that shaft right now with scary ease. I don't feel a thing.

''Yeah, I did,'' Bell replies to her, shrugging it off immediately, ''How many floors?''

''All of them,'' says Echo.

''Holy hell,'' I breathe, before we get to climbing.

*

When we barge into the room weapons ready and willing to fight, Bellamy holding hostage the guard we found at the door, we're met with gasps and fleeting shrieks of alarm and faces showing shock and horror, which isn't something you can easily catch on the face of a Grounder. We've interrupted an important ceremony and Lexa is standing at the forefront, before her throne, outraged by all of this, yet every nerve underneath my skin seems to be set on fire and the adrenaline is flooding my blood and I don't think about how outnumbered we are, or how trapped in a big city full of Grounders we are, or how we never had an escape plan, just one of entrance. I don't think about the fact that I've already lifted my hand against the legendary heda once and would likely not survive it again. I don't consider anything at all, but I'm ready to fight. It takes me a moment to find our people as I hastily and eyes darting scan the room - looking for familiar faces in this horrified crowd that somehow seems so hostile right now. And when I find them, I see among them someone I haven't seen in months, someone I once detested and loved at the same time, and all I want to do right now is grab her and not let her go until I get us the hell out of here. 

_Clarke._

She looks different - attire, make-up and hairdo all in Grounder fashion - but it's her. It's our girl.

''What is the meaning of this?'' the man who seems to be Lexa's right hand demands to know, and in response Bellamy shoves the hostage into the crowd to show that he isn't here to play offense. 

''The summit's a trap!'' he explains, ''We need to get you out of here.''

''What the hell is going on?'' Clarke demands of Lexa, but the Commander looks genuinely dumbfounded and alarmed.

''I don't know,'' she shakes her head, and I believe her. I don't trust her, yet I believe her. I'd see it in her face, just the way I saw betrayal on her face before she even laid it down to us. She's telling the truth. Besides, from what I know, she's not exactly friends with the Ice Nation, and this is their doing. How would she know? Or is that pretense too?

No, she's telling the truth.

''It's the Ice Nation,'' Bell explains.

''These allegations are an outrage!'' a Grounder from somewhere in the small crowd argues, ''The Ice Nation never stormed this summit with weapons, breaking our laws. That was the Skaikru!''

''We're right about this,'' Pike says, ''The two guards you left behind are dead already. We need to go now.''

''How did you come by this information?'' Lexa asks.

''One of their own,'' I speak for the first time, and if Lexa wants to kill me when I address her, she doesn't show it. I suppose it's because we have more pressing matters.

When I turn around though, Echo's not there.

''Where the hell is Echo?!'' Octavia almost shrieks, because _what the hell is going on?!_

''What's going on?'' Bell asks, ''Where the hell is she?''

''Bellamy, maybe we were wrong about this,'' says O.

''Yeah, but _why_ would she do all this?'' I ask.

''I don't understand,'' Bell shakes his head, looking for all the world a frightened child, and I feel exactly the same. I don't quite know why, but I do. I'm terrified.

''Stand down,'' Kane orders, positively pissed, snatching the gun from Bell's hands. He doesn't argue, doesn't find him, just stares off into the void.

''Sir,'' I plead, ''I swear. She was _right_ behind us a moment ago, she led us through the tunnels, she sa-''

 _''Bellamy! Bellamy, come in,''_ Raven's voice on the radio interrupts me, _''The Grounders attacked Mount Weather.''_

''What are you talking about?'' Bell asks. My heart stops for a moment too long.

 _''It's gone. It's gone. They're all gone,''_ she's crying, _''Sinclair and I are the only ones left. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.''_

Her sobs still echo before Bellamy remembers to turn the radio off. And when I look at him, he looks so broken that I think he might genuinely shatter into a million pieces at one touch. And then I start realizing why, too slowly.

_It's gone. They're all gone. Sinclair and I are the only ones left. They're all gone._

''You should have never moved your people back into Mount Weather,'' one of the Grounders argues, ''The Ice Nation did what Lexa was too weak to do!''

''This is an act of war,'' Lexa growls, ''Sentries, arrest the Ice Nation delegation!! Including the prince!''

''We need to get home,'' Abby steps up just as the Azgeda are getting arrested, ''If they attacked Mount Weather, Arkadia could be next.''

''I agree,'' says Kane.

''Go,'' Lexa nods approval, ''Marshal your forces. We'll avenge the attack together.''

''I'll escort them,'' Indra volunteers, ''I hope you kept up your training. You'll need it,'' she tells Octavia, before she glances at me, ''Might be you too.''

But I can't think about that. I can hardly hear her.

_It's gone. They're all gone. Sinclair and I are the only ones left._

''Clarke, we need to leave now,'' Bell finds his voice.

''We need an ambassador from the 13th Clan to stay here in Polis,'' Lexa says.

''It's not safe here,'' argues Bell, but even now I know that's not exactly true.

''Clarke will be safe here under my protection,'' Lexa says, and again I believe her.

''It's the safest place she can be,'' I say, my own voice sounding hollow to my ears. Right now, Arkadia is not safer. Yet I can hardly think about that either.

''I have to stay,'' Clarke says, looking like she's apologizing instead.

''Clarke...'' Abby all but begs. She's her mother after all, and she's terrified, and she thinks she'll be safest close to her, as far from the truth as it is.

''I have to make sure she keeps her word,'' Clarke insists.

''Come on, Heda,'' Lexa's right hand man beckons, ''We must convene the war council immediately.''

''I'll be right there,'' Clarke tells them before they leave, and then it's just us. Abby hugs her and Kane tells her to be safe but all Bellamy can do is look at her with scorn and all I can do is watch.

''She left us to die in that mountain,'' he tells her, ''She will always put her people first. You should come home to yours.''

''I'm sorry,'' she only says, and that's the last drop for him. You can see it in his eyes - something's just broken. And I can hardly believe we've switched roles to where he's angry with Clarke and I'm the one that understands her. It's _always_ been the other way around.

When Bellamy leaves too, I suddenly don't know what to say. I'm haunted by Raven's crying and all the lives we've just lost not yet sinking in and Dwyght - _oh my God, Dwyght,_ my big bear of a friend, is he truly gone? Could he be? I lost him and we lost Gina too but Pike lost _everyone_ ; what are we supposed to do? How are we supposed to deal? What is going on? I don't feel like they're gone. I half-feel like this has all been a dangerous misunderstanding and it'll turn out our people managed to make it out somehow after all and there is no way the body count rose from two to close to forty in one day. There is no way we've lost that many people.

_Dwyght..._

''I...'' I start and try to speak, but my throat has clammed up. I open my mouth again, but the words won't come out, and I can hardly look at her directly, and so she all but saves my life when she strides toward me instead because my feet are glued to the ground and I'm struggling.

''Watch out for them,'' she looks me right in the eyes and tells me.

_Protect them._

''Always,'' I find my voice, ''We both do.''

She gives a small nod, and I suddenly feel like crying as though we're facing another end of the world and then I hug her, and hold her so tight for a moment hoping it will say everything I can't. Her arms hug back, and I can feel her hands clutch my jacket like she's holding on to dear life. That, too, says far more than she could utter.

''Stay safe,'' she tells me when we pull apart, right as I'm about to tell her the exact same thing.

''You too,'' I say, ''We'll see this thing through. Then we go home.''

She doesn't say anything to that. 

I walk out, feeling like I'm walking out of a life. It feels final, like I'm finishing another era and shedding my skin once more. I know that we're not done fighting for survival. I know I've died and been reborn times and times over, and am doing it again. When I step out of that room, I know I've left a part of me behind with Clarke.

And I can't believe we'll have more graves to dig and more friends to weep for.


	16. Chapter 16

I'm sitting in our classroom, trying to figure out how to tell this girl that her father is dead. How did Jackson tell me about mine? It doesn't matter anyway. I assume a nine-year-old will need a different approach.

Why did this fall on me? I was supposed to teach them, not be something they can project their mommy and daddy issues on. I didn't sign up for this; I didn't want these kids to grow attached to me. And now apparently I'm the next closest person to this poor child.

''Jessi,'' I call, not very loudly, but the hollowness of my voice demands her attention. Now that the class has ended and they're all loud and clustered in groups before they leave, I'm surprised she even hears me. Her head whips around, making her dark brown hair swirl. She looks so innocent. I don't know how to do this.

''Yes, miss Parish?'' she asks, but when I give her a look she smiles shyly and corrects herself - ''Tasha.''

''Class is over, everyone. Come on, make room,'' I announce to the rest, and once they're all outside, I turn back to the girl waiting. I still don't know how to do this. But I have to.

''It's about your dad-''

''Is he back?'' she asks eagerly.

''Jessi, he didn't go on a hunting run,'' I say as I sit down on the floor, and the girl follows suit next to me. I can't quite believe I'm saying it either, ''I'm sure you've heard about the accident at Mount Weather.''

Accident? I don't know how else to make it less terrible for a child. The kids know what happened, it's just that their levels of understanding the actual issue vary.

''The bad Grounders,'' she says.

''Yes, the bad Grounders. A lot of people died there.''

''I know. Mr. Kenway's always been our neighbor. Now he's gone,'' she says, a twinge of sadness in her voice, but that's about all that she gives away. What does a nine-year-old understand about death anyway?

''I lost a friend too. His name was Dwyght. He was very dear to me.''

''I'm sorry,'' Jessi says.

''It's sad, but we have to move past it and keep on, you know? I want you to remember that, Jess; can you do that? Remember that we must always move past and keep on when people die, no matter what.''

She nods in agreement, but then something else glints in her eyes. A level of understanding, perhaps. She's a smart kid, after all.

So I just get it out.

''Your dad was in the Mountain, Jess. I'm very sorry.''

She freezes for a very long moment, a distant look in her eyes, before she nods. Just one single nod. Her eyes are glistening, but I don't think it's even akin to tears. She's in shock, and unfortunately, it will hit her later, and it will be terrible.

''Your dad won't be coming back, but you will always have me,'' I tell her, look her right in the eyes but still think I'm not reaching her, ''No matter what you need, you come to me. Okay?''

''Okay,'' her voice sounds for the first time in a while, and it sounds so small and fragile I don't know what to do with myself. So I bring her close to me and wrap my arms around her. She doesn't ignore me, but she doesn't quite hug back either, like she's in a stupor she can't snap out of. My job here is done. I should walk away now.

Except that I can't.

''You can't stay alone now, can you,'' I say as I pull back.

She shakes her head, but then corrects herself, ''I mean, I can. I can take care of myself.''

''Sure you can, but you shouldn't. How about you stay with me and my friend? We have _a lot_ of room, and Jasper can show you how to make figurines out of wires. It will be fun.''

I really should have talked to Jasper about this first, but what choice do I really have? Would Abby or Kane decide any differently? They'd probably move the kid in with me anyway, just like they told me to do all this. Besides, it might actually do Jasper some good. Hell, to the both of us.

Jessi ponders for a moment, before she gives another nod. ''Okay.''

''But don't think I'm gonna be cutting you any slack in Earth Skills,'' I wag a finger with a smile, but her smile in response is so brief I'm not sure it was ever there.

''Come on, let's get on that,'' I stand up, ''We should move your stuff so you can settle in. You'll like it, you'll see.''

Another silent nod, before she moves to follow like a ghost.

*

''Jasper?''

When the lights flicker on, we find the room empty. Where could he have gone to? The memorial won't be until tonight and he has just about zero things on his schedule.

... Which is exactly what I don't like right now. If Jasper doesn't keep busy, he slips back into one of his worse bouts of PTSD-induced depression. Which is never good.

 _I hope he's alright_ , I think as we move in. I can't think about everyone and everything at once. One damn thing at a time.

''Let's put these boxes on the floor for now, you don't have to do it right away, but feel free to place your things anywhere you want, okay? The wardrobe's-''

''Is that your mom and dad?''

I turn around to look at her, only to find her looking and pointing at the framed photograph up on the shelf. I step toward her, have a look at the old photo with a sigh, before reaching for it and taking it down.

''Yeah,'' I say, ''Wanna have a closer look?''

She nods.

''Your mom was very pretty,'' she says, a moment after taking the photo.

''She was.''

''Is she gone too?''

''Yeah. Mom and dad are both gone.''

''Just like mine.''

''Just like yours.''

''It's good that you have a picture,'' she gives the photo back, ''That way you can never forget what they looked like.''

''The Ark has pictures of all of its residents in its computer system,'' I say as I place the makeshift frame back on the shelf, ''We'll find you some photos of your mom and dad too.''

She returns a smile this time too, and though brief, at least now I can catch it.

''That one's my bed,'' I point to it, ''Which means it's yours now.''

''But where will you sleep?''

''Don't you worry about me,'' I say, ''I have a cot. The bed's yours.''

''Okay.''

''I'm gonna go and try to find Jasper now but I assume you'll want to go out and play and come back when you want, so. That means you'll need the security clearance. I can't give you that until you promise to be really really careful not to give it away to anyone.''

''I promise.''

''Okay, champ. Here it is-''

*

''Raven, you seen Jasper? I can't find him anywhere.''

''He didn't come by,'' she says, never looking up, focused on something on her worktable. She looks like she's been crying. And of course she has. God knows I should too. I just feel so hollow and dried up.

''You okay?''

''Yeah,'' she says, doing something with a screw-driver, still not looking up. 

''You don't look so good.''

''Tasha, I'm fine,'' she puts the tool down to meet my eyes sternly. There are distinct dark circles below her brown ones, and almost a sickly paleness in her cheeks. She hasn't slept much.

''Rey, I'm sorry,'' I say, not sure if it's condolences or apologizing for not coming to her in these three days since it's all happened until now - but the truth is I didn't know what to do or tell her, ''I'm sorry about Gina.''

''Yeah, me too,'' she picks up the screw-driver again.

''I'm sorry you had to be there, in the middle of things,'' I step inside, ''To experience that-''

''Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for those who've died,'' she bites back, ''I should have done something-''

''What could you have done, Rey? It's not your fault-''

''I should have done _something_! Anything, except just stand there-''

''Run in there and get it done in less than a dozen seconds?! Are you listening to yourself?''

''With a good leg, I could have.''

''Raven...'' I say as I step closer, feeling my heart physically ache. Her name comes out of my mouth almost like a sigh.

''I could have tried at least.''

''And died too. You wouldn't be any good to anyone then,'' I place my hands on her worktable and try to look her in her cast-down eyes, ''We all desperately need you, Rey. _I_ need you, so much. There is no way in hell I'm going to let you punish yourself over something that doesn't deserve punishment. They died and you didn't and it's a good, not a bad thing.''

''I just-,'' she throws the screw-driver at the table and it bounces off just a little bit, ''She just-,'' she shakes her head, trying to fight back tears. I step around the table and hug her, and I can hear her swallow back the sobs.

''I've been doing this since this morning but I think it's really me that needs these hugs,'' I try to joke, but Raven responds to my huff with her arms tightening just a little bit. Message received.

''God, I don't wanna be there tonight,'' she sighs when we pull back, leaning back against the table, ''I know I should, but I really just can't-''

''You don't have to. I wouldn't either, but I have to speak for Dwyght. He has no family left, and none of his guard buddies have taken up the duty, so.''

''Sucks,'' she says.

''Big time,'' I nod in agreement.

''I thought we were past this, you know? I really thought we were done fighting.''

''We'll get there,'' I say, not believing one word myself because right now it seems to me that I'll have to fight forever, that the only way this ends is with me dead in combat, not in a bed in old age.

''Yeah,'' she says, but I know she doesn't believe it either.

*

In my fear of Jasper ending up in medical - since it's the only place I haven't checked yet - I go there ready to find him hooked up on something. But he's not there either. Instead I find Octavia speaking to Nyko, with new Tri Kru patients in the room being take care of.

''Heya, Nyko. ( _Hello, Nyko._ ) Octavia, have you seen Jasper?''

''Yeah, he was with Monty earlier. Said something about not going to the memorial.''

''Where did they go? I can't find him anywhere.''

''I don't know, Nyko came with the sick and I just lost sight of them. I'm sure they're around. Why, what's wrong?''

''Well, there's a Mount Weather memorial up and coming and Jasper's not around. That's reason enough to worry,'' I realize.

''Well, the camp's on lockdown, he can't go anywhere,'' she says, ''You've probably just missed him.''

''Ya think?'' I say sarcastically. If anyone can slip away it's one of the science geeks.

*

I can't help the all-consuming worry over Jasper until the memorial officially starts. When Pike steps up and starts speaking, even my thoughts quiet down. Nothing I can do about anything until this is done.

''All that's certain is that we die. How we die is up to us.''

That's true enough, sometimes. Sometimes we don't have that choice. My father didn't. Not one of the people in Mount Weather did. Many others too, but this isn't about that, and I know it. It's about bringing some sort of comfort.

I can hardly listen to everyone as they come out and speak for their own, filling up the table with things that carry the memory of the dead. I murmur the ''May we meet again'' along with the rest every time, but my attention goes back to full focus only when Pike calls the name of Dwyght Lambert. I always half-assumed Dwyght could very well be his last name since all the guards addressed each other by last names, but Dwyght's first name apparently just seemed to stick. The fact that I'm only learning his full name now makes me feel even worse. Not that those superficial things really matter, but I still wish I'd known more about them.

''Who will speak for Dwyght Lambert?''

Breathing is somehow harder as I step out to the front and turn to meet everyone present. It makes the reality of it press against me with more force than before, like I'm only now truly starting to understand the full scale of the disaster that this is. 

But I catch Nathan's encouraging nod, and I find my breath, and I find my voice.

''Dwyght was a friend. For as long as he's been here, he's helped keep us all safe, selflessly. And he protected me from myself more times than he could have protected me from any enemy. He made me believe in the uniform again, when God knows that should have been impossible,'' I feel the first tears sting as I pull out his gloves out of the pocket of my jacket, ''These are an optional part of that damn uniform, but he always wore them, without fail,'' I step up to place one glove on the table, and keep the other one to myself, ''It's proof of his dedicated and loyal heart.''

''We will miss Dwyght,'' Pike says as his hand gently goes over my back in comfort, ''May we meet again.''

''May we meet again,'' the whole room says softly in unison. A few tears manage to slide down my cheeks as I go and take my seat again.

''Who will speak for Gina Martin?''

Bellamy goes to the front of the room, holding ''The Illiad'' in his hands. I found that book, but Gina had given it to him with the same intentions as mine would have been. I know she cared for him probably more than I know.

''Gina was real,'' Bell breaks my heart as he speaks, because even now I can see the guilt glistening in his eyes, ''She always saw the light, even here. She deserved better. May we meet again.''

And just as he sets ''The Illiad'' on the table and before we can say a ''May we meet again'', guards barge into the room. It makes me almost jump in my seat, the suddenness of it, and the crowd starts murmuring in alarm. What the hell is going on?!

''Just came in,'' one of the guards speaks up as they rush toward Pike, ''We saw a whole encampment, 300 strong just behind the tree ridge. There's a bunch of them. It's Grounders. They're coming.''

I can't even process this before Pike starts an argument with Kane and Abby, in the middle of a memorial for all these poor souls. They're whispering, but I can hear them as my seat is practically right next to them.

''Grounders are here, an army 300 strong camped less than a mile from here.''

''We know.''

''What?''

''Indra radioed.''

''You gave a Grounder one of our radios?!'' Pike gets louder. Everyone is starting to look now.

''Sir, are we under attack?'' Hannah asks. And then almost everyone in the room seems to just shoot up and stand in alarm. I seem to be glued to my chair instead.

''No, we are not under attack,'' Kane steps up, ''The Commander sent a peace keeping force to ensure that we can defend ourselves from the Ice Nation.''

''Peace keeping force? Even you can't be that naïve, Marcus!'' Pike argues.

''Watch your tone. You're talking to the next Chancellor,'' Abby warns, ''We're all grieving. This has been hard on all of us, but we can't let anger drive our policy.''

''Anger _is_ our policy!'' Pike almost shouts before he jumps back on that stage, ''Now if they're here to defend us, as you say, then tell them to go home. We can defend ourselves.''

''You!'' Gillmer is suddenly there, shouting and pointing at Lincoln in the back of the room, and before I can even realize there's a rock in his hand he's already thrown it at him, ''You don't belong here!''

And then all hell breaks loose. ''Stop!!'' I shout as I rush toward Lincoln. The crowd is ready to destroy him now, and I don't even know who I've punched to keep them away but there's blood on my knuckles and I can catch a glimpse of Bellamy helping me back to back and the guards are the ones who ultimately manage to keep the crowd at bay as Abby manages to get to Lincoln. He pushes her away before she can even check on him though, but there's blood on his head and he looks dizzy and I am so _angry_ right now I could murder someone. With a fierce refusal of help, Lincoln literally wobbles his way outside.

''We do not attack our own! Fighting each other only makes us weak. The enemy is not in this camp. The enemy is out there,'' I can hear Pike's words, but they don't get to me. In just about three strides I'm on Gillmer, and I've managed a really, _really_ good punch before I'm pulled away and outside.

*

It's dark outside by the time they've managed to patch up that poor excuse for a memorial and get to Lincoln. My knuckles are bloody and they hurt, but I've found my own bandages and refuse to go to medical for something so minor. Nothing's fractured, and I don't want to see anyone throwing any dirty looks at Lincoln. Today's been entirely too much, and I still have Jasper to worry about.

Speaking of which...

''Hey, Monty,'' I see him come from around the corner of the Ark, a backpack slung over his shoulder, ''Where's Jasper?''

''I don't care,'' he says as he tries to stomp past, but I grab his sleeve.

''Hey. I haven't seen him all day. He probably shouldn't be alone-''

''I said I don't care!''

''Don't give me that tone, Monty; where is he? Is he drunk? Tell me!''

For a moment he just stares, as though pondering whether to tell me or not.

''The Drop-Ship.''

 _This day could not possibly get any worse_ , I think, but my feet are already going toward my room so I can gear up.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: suicide// just talk of it, none occurring

Dawn is cracking by the time I make it to the old Drop-Ship, but I don't feel tired yet. I don't see Jasper anywhere at first, so for a moment I'm worried he's tried making his way back during the night, drunk and alone, and I've missed him. But I have only to turn one corner to find him curled up and asleep next to the eastern wall. He never even made it inside, and the sight of him is just awful.

''Oh, Jasper,'' I almost sigh, seeing him on the ground like that. There's remnants of a fire but it's long extinguished and too far away from him anyway. I wouldn't be surprised if he's gotten himself a case of pneumonia, and I'm being mild.

''Hey,'' I shake him gently, ''Jasper, wake up.''

At first he doesn't react at all, and then he wakes up all at once, almost violently, choking on something akin to a sob. He's disoriented and has to look around before he remembers where he is, and then he frowns when he sees my face greeting him, because I'm sure I seem out of place right now.

''What are you doing here?'' he asks as he pulls himself up to sit, voice groggy and face all scowls and frowns. I can see that his eyes are red, but it's different from alcohol red. He's been crying. And he looks pale as all hell.

''Seriously? Shouldn't I be asking that question?''

''Humor me,'' he squints and covers his eyes now that the sun is coming up.

''Looking for you, what else,'' I take off my jacket and throw it in his face, ''Put that on while I make a fire. And get off the damn ground.''

I think he notices the angry undertone of my words so he doesn't say anything when I storm away to gather the wood and dry twigs. He doesn't say anything while I'm making the fire either, he's just sitting at the Drop-Ship's doorstep, huddled there with my jacket across his back. He looks miserable as he stares at the new, young flames. His eyes never leave them.

''Well at least you don't have a fever,'' I say when I sit next to him and feel up his forehead with the back of my hand, tempted to just smack him once for good measure, ''Which is a miracle, really.''

He doesn't say anything to that.

''Here,'' I pull out a cup of nuts and berries and my water bottle out of my pack, but he doesn't move to take them. He still doesn't look away from the fire either. So I just place the consumables on the ground before him.

''You're gonna have to eat and put some water in you unless you wanna die.''

''What makes you think I don't?'' he asks, but the even tone of his voice hardly makes it sound like a question.

''You don't. Because Maya died to save you and you wouldn't want it to be for nothing.''

It almost physically stings even me as I say it, but with Jasper there is no other way. When he's having it this bad, the only thing that works is going for the dead center. No beating around the bush. You have to make it sting to pull him out of his stupor.

''Maya died because our dear friends killed her,'' he argues.

''They did it to save our own, but I'm not telling you anything you don't know.''

Deep inside, I feel like I'm taking it too far, and it pains me, but doesn't stop me.

''Please shut up,'' he says.

''I will once you drink some water.''

''Why do you even care?'' he asks, looking away from the fire for the first time.

''Why do you? Hm?'' I ask him instead, ''Why is it that every time you know I'm hurting, you pull yourself together enough to be there for me? Why is it that every time you know the sight of Bellamy is about to tear me apart you literally save me from it? Why?''

He doesn't reply. He stares off for a really long moment, as though pondering an answer, before reaching out for the bottle of water and taking a sip. There's the reply, I guess.

''Caring is dangerous. Look where it's gotten me,'' he says.

''Yeah, but it's also kept us alive. We've survived because we care.''

''It's gonna kill us too.''

''Something's bound to, eventually,'' I stand up, ''Eat that. I gotta gather up some branches to keep this fire alive.''

Once I'm back again, we sit in comfortable silence for a while as I feed the fire. He's made himself eat and drink everything, just to pacify me. I know he has zero appetite.

''Why are you here, Jasper?'' I finally ask after what could easily be an hour of silence, using a branch to play with the embers. The sun is high up, but the day is still chilly, and after a night of sleeping on the cold ground Jasper really needs this.

''Memorial day.''

''Figured you wouldn't wanna be there but I didn't expect you to come all the way here.''

''I wanted to scatter Finn's ashes.''

That takes me aback. I feel like someone's literally just slapped me and I need a moment to recover.

''Jasper, they're not yours to scatter,'' I find my voice, but it suddenly sounds shaky. Am I tearing up? I feel chilly, despite the fire.

''I know.''

''And did you?!''

''Sort of... accidentally,'' he literally winces as he finishes that sentence. There's so much self-loathing in his eyes in that one moment that I know I couldn't possibly manage to tell him anything worse than what he's been telling himself.

''I don't believe you,'' I shake my head, ''What about Raven and Clarke?!''

''Look, if I could take it back, I would,'' he says.

''Does Monty know? Is that why he stormed off?''

''He knows I took the ashes but I spilled them after he left. So no.''

''Jesus, Jasper!'' I slam my hands against my thighs, ''That was- that was Finn! _Our_ Finn!''

''I know! I'm sorry, alright!'' he argues, eyes wide and teary as he stares me down, ''I'm sorry.''

''Now what?!''

''I don't know. There's some of the ashes left, but... He's gone.''

''Jesus,'' I run a hand through my hair, only to bury my face between my palms. I try to recall Finn's face. How difficult it is at first literally scares me. I don't want to forget him.

''No matter,'' I shake it off, ''He's long gone. We've long said goodbye.''

''He didn't get a memorial,'' Jasper says, ''So many people didn't.''

''Doesn't matter,'' I make myself say, ''They're gone and we're not. No memorial's gonna make a difference. You either remember the ones you loved or you don't.''

Silence. Because what could he possibly say?

Then he speaks again.

''Shouldn't we probably head back?''

''Probably. But I don't wanna,'' I say, ''Tomorrow morning. We'll sleep here tonight and I'll hunt down something to roast over the fire.''

''What's the point,'' he says, ''Maybe we should just go away.''

''Maybe we should. A clan by the ocean would take us in, Rand always said. It's become this distant shining beacon of hope in my mind, like over time it's grown from facts into fantasy to the point in which I'm no longer sure if the clan's even there. Maybe I've dreamt it all up. Did Rand even exist?''

But I have only to look at my bow for proof.

''Man, wouldn't it be nice to wake up and realize you're back on the Ark, just having had a messed up dream due to the hangover induced by the last night's party,'' Jasper says almost dreamily, like for a moment the boy with the goggles is back with his dreamy eyes and innocent heart.

''Sure would,'' I reply, remembering my parents, remembering our life, remembering Murphy. Where is he now?

''How come I rarely saw you at parties? I did see you around, though. But we never spoke to each other.''

''I guess by the time kids our age started partying I was already having a bit too much on my plate,'' I smile, ''But I do remember you. Monty too. You were kind of hard not to notice.''

''Seriously?'' he frowns, ''I always thought we were basically invisible.''

''Well, not to me. Those goggles were memorable.''

I manage to get a chuckle out of him. How did I do that?

''A good life,'' he says, ''Better than this.''

''Except for Octavia.''

''Yeah... I used to like her so much, though. Crazy.''

''My ex probably died with the Ark crash,'' I say, surprising myself, '' _Wow_. I haven't thought about him in a long time.''

What did Cole even look like? I can only recall the outline.

''There's really nothing for us to come back to anymore,'' Jasper brings back the subject, ''Leaving isn't that far from logic, really.''

''Well, considering Lexa didn't kill me on the spot I will assume I'm pardoned. So yeah, we could go,'' I take a sip of water, ''But I still- I don't know, I can't leave them when they need me.''

''They don't need us.''

''Yes, they do, Jasper. Azgeda just killed dozens of our own. Can you really walk away on them now? We have no idea what's coming. I know you're angry, but would you really leave Monty to die if you knew a gun in your hands could save him? You wouldn't.''

His silence is confirmation.

''Besides, I gotta see this through. Clarke is in Polis as an ambassador, and she's counting on me.''

''Don't,'' he frowns like he has a headache, which he most probably does, ''Just- don't ruin my day even worse.''

''She messes up, true enough. But she's trying her best,'' I say, ''And anyway, I won't talk about her. The point is, I made her a silent promise. Lexa's positioned an army three hundred strong around our perimeter to protect us should Azgeda strike. I can't leave them to it. Not yet, at least.''

''Great. Another war cookin'. Why does my flask have to be empty,'' he says.

''And it better stay that way! I kind of didn't bring you the news. We've kind of adopted a kid... unintentionally.''

''What?'' he shakes his head like he couldn't possibly be hearing this.

''Yeaaah... little Jessi has nowhere to stay so she's staying with us. She's nine, Jasper, and her father was just blown up. What was I supposed to do?''

''Not adopt a kid?'' he suggests, but there's no negativity in his voice.

''Just- You know, she mostly takes care of herself, just try not to be a mess around her, that's all.''

''Great,'' he says, ''Peachy.''

''You need to pull yourself together for yourself, Jasper. We can't keep going in circles. Aren't you tired?''

''More than you know.''

''Then end this!''

''Just like that!'' he waves his hand in the air, ''Just sober up, Jasper! Suck it up! The one you loved literally melted in front of you, but get it together already will you!''

''We've all lost loved ones,'' I say evenly, refusing to raise my voice back, ''I've lost more than I can count too. I'm not killing myself in my grief, and neither should you.''

''Just don't,'' he shakes his head and gets up to walk into the Drop-Ship, but I won't let him escape me.

''I'm not saying it's easy, and I'm not saying I'm any better than you for the way I cope,'' I follow him inside, ''Drinking helps you deal? Drink away! But when it comes to the point of literally taking your life, it's time to stop!''

He doesn't answer me, and he doesn't face me either, just shakes his head with his back turned to me. So I walk around and step up in front of him.

''You don't wanna live, but you don't wanna die either, but there's no in-between and you're gonna have to make a choice,'' I grab his sleeve and try to look him in the eyes, but he stares past me, ''So what's it gonna be, Jasper?''

''Just leave me be,'' he shakes his head, still staring past, but with so much pain in his eyes even I can feel it.

''I won't,'' I let go of him and step back, pulling out my machete and offering it hilt first, ''Take it. If you wanna die, here's your chance. I'm giving you a way out. There's no one here to interfere. No Abby to patch you up. Take it.''

He looks at me now, eyes into eyes. What is he thinking? I would never let him harm himself, but in this state of his mind he probably can't tell two plus two. Does he actually think I would let him? How does he feel? Betrayed that I would even offer him, let alone let him do this? Puzzled by my proposition? Tempted? Confused? I can't really tell, but I know this moment is a crossroads. This is where he chooses a path.

''You wanna die? Cut your wrists, your throat, whatever. I didn't bring a gun so it's the best you're gonna get. So what's it gonna be, Jordan? You gonna die? Or are you gonna use the second chance Maya died to give you?''

If there ever was any temptation, it's gone in another moment. Everything's replaced by anger, and even anger is better than what he's in right now. He slaps my hand away, and I almost drop the machete. Then he turns around and storms out.

*

The sun's low in the sky by the time Jasper's back. He finds me roasting a bird over the fire, as he places the newly-filled bottles of water next to the pack at my feet.

''I hope you didn't go out there without a weapon,'' I say, turning the bird over. He whips up a knife in response. If he's still pissed, at least it's visibly less. He sits down next to me and we sit in silence for a while.

''At least we'll eat better than back on the Ark,'' he comments.

''Supplies running out, trade routes cut off, and too few free hands to go hunting freely,'' I say, ''I almost feel guilty about eating this.''

''I don't.''

''Yeah, I don't,'' I agree, and to the surprise of us both, we share some feeble laughter. It's so refreshing I almost feel like all the burden I've been carrying around for years has been lifted to give me a few moments of relief.

When we're way too full, the lack of sleep catches up with me. We make ourselves comfortable in the outer corner of the Drop-Ship so that the fire outside is right next to us, and when night comes we pull up the makeshift curtain so that we can bathe in some of the moonlight reaching inside. It feels somehow comforting.

Jasper puts an arm around me and my head is on his chest, and after a while of comfortable silence I can feel myself dozing off. But I don't want to fall asleep until I say more first.

''I know it's hard, but it's time to start healing. We both have to,'' I almost mumble, face against his shirt. I know by the way he's breathing that he's not yet asleep and hears every word.

''Don't punish yourself for Finn. What's done is done,'' I add, ''And even though everything hurts like hell now, we'll survive. We always do.''

He gives me a reply in a different form when his arm tightens around me. I move into him closer and allow myself to peacefully drift into sleep, comforted by the warmth of his closeness. Jasper made a choice today, and so did I.

We chose life, and now we choose sleep.


	18. Chapter 18

''Where have you been?!''

''Heyyyy, Harper,'' Jasper drawls. Harper meets us at the gate once the guards on shift open them. She's in her uniform and with a gun slung across her shoulder. We've made it just in time for the second shift. It reminds me I still have duties of my own. I make it a point to check with Kane if the classes are back on, at least. We all have to do our part, and the world doesn't stop for us to mourn our dead.

''No one's seen you in two days,'' she says, ''You could have at least told someone where you were going!''

''We're here, we're fine, and we're hungry,'' I say, ''It's not like we missed anything around here anyway.''

''Actually, you kind of did,'' she says as she walks with us.

''There's a shocker,'' Jasper mutters with his trademark irony.

''What happened?'' I ask.

''Pike went ballistic last night. Says the army sent to protect us is a threat to us, that we need to hit them before they hit us. He's not the only one either. Bellamy and a bunch of others support him. They tried to leave camp with guns last night.''

''What?!'' Jasper and I ask in unison, though he's quieter whereas I'm completely shocked.

''Yeah,'' Harper says, ''Me and Monroe were there when Lincoln tried to stop them. He bought Abby and Kane enough time to get there and arrest them. They're all in lock-up now.''

''Jesus,'' I mutter.

''Told you we should have just left when we had the chance,'' Jasper tells me.

''That's not all either,'' says Harper, ''Everyone's torn about this. It's a mess around here, no one knows whom to believe. Pike's running for Chancellor now. It's gonna be close to a tie,'' she shakes her head.

''Well, I'm not gonna vote,'' says Jasper.

''Your vote could make a difference,'' I say, but even I'm not sure who I'd vote for. Kane, who's either a diplomat or just really naive - or Pike, who's either clever or just really scared and ruthless? Who is in the right here? And how is anyone to truly know?

I've known Pike since I was a kid, if you can ever really ''know'' a teacher. He always behaved like a parent toward me, and before all of this I never knew him to be so stern. He was always strong, always determined to teach us - especially so when we were in lock-up - but I hadn't known him to be ruthless until Earth made him so. The only instance I can think of and remember was that last class back on the Ark, when he lashed out on Murphy, and even that is just a bunch of rumors mixed together into my conclusions. I don't know what truly happened that day, not much before they sent us to the ground.

Murphy never told me what happened himself, and I hadn't been there to see it with my own eyes because they'd sent me to solitary the day before. I was caught up in a fight with a girl whose name I don't even remember now, and then Murphy had to put in his two cents and I'd just gone ballistic. So they dragged me off for correctional measures. That was a right mess, and it feels so odd and out of place to remember it now.

But I know that Pike is a good man, whatever his methods. The thing with him now is simply the fact that he doesn't trust Lexa. And just about a month ago, neither did I. So what's changed? And _has_ anything actually changed? I can't say I trust Lexa completely, but I trust Clarke with my life. And if Clarke's decided to go with Lexa after everything the Commander's put her through, then I have to trust it. It's no wonder Pike doesn't, though. If I was him, I wouldn't either. Going with Clarke, I'm willingly taking a risk. Pike just doesn't want to take any more chances.

On the other hand, Kane's a good man too. A truly good man, I dare say. He's come a long way from his old ruthlessness and the way I remember him, and it kind of seems like he and Pike have switched roles. Marcus Kane has truly done a lot for Arkadia, and even more to keep the peace with the Grounders, but is there really any peace? Half a hundred of our people just died. We're supposed to trust Lexa to prevent it from happening again? Is Kane being naive? Is Clarke? Am I?

Kane is a good man, but is he a good Chancellor? What will become of us if we let a man who puts too much trust in people lead us?

I have no idea what right or wrong is.

Before I make a decision, I know I have to talk to Bellamy. I know he's not anywhere near okay after everything that's happened, and what he was completely ready to do the night before speaks even more about it. Bell's always gone to the edge of the world to protect us all, and if he trusts Pike so completely, it's not without reason. Is it just his grief and anger? Or is it because Lexa truly can't be trusted? Jasper and I saw the encampments on our way back to Arkadia, and even we tried to remain undetected as we made our way through. Even with their alleged protection, we were still half-afraid of them. Why? What does that say about this whole thing? About trust? About peace?

''Bell,'' I barely breathe when I see them all locked-up in the same cell. He stands up the moment my hands clasp the prison bars. 

''Tasha,'' he says my name in much the same manner as he strides toward me, meeting me face to face. His closeness even on the other side of this cage and the way his hands hold the bars just below mine make my heart flutter and ache at the same time. The way I have to look up at him to meet his eyes is so familiar, and I find that I've missed every single freckle on his face. He looks so tired, though. So tired and utterly broken.

''I heard what happened last night,'' I say, ''Is it true? Are we really under siege...?''

''Pike believes we are,'' Bell says, ''And I trust Pike.''

''What makes you so sure?''

''If they're here to protect us, why are our trading routes still cut off? Why are we not free to roam and hunt and farm wherever we want? Why are we slowly starving?''

I don't have the answers. ''It's not that simple, Bell,'' I try, ''Lexa can't just stabilize the situation overnight, it takes time-''

''Time? It's been three months, T. We've been at peace, and every time we stepped out to try mapping this place, we shook in fear. Is that what peace means to you?''

''No,'' I say honestly. Every day we went out having in mind the possibility of Lexa shitting on us all over again. Every time we went out we wore fear like a cloak, eternally in caution. Azgeda have been our primary danger, but not the only one. The only reason we kept everything up was Indra. And Indra isn't most of her people. Just because Indra did her part to keep this peace, doesn't mean the majority is willing. It looks like quite the opposite actually, even if Lexa _were_ truthful this time around. Even the Commander is just one person, and the people can turn against one person any time they want. Azgeda keeps proving that. Who's to say other clans won't follow?

''If you want to trust Lexa after everything all over again then by all means go ahead but-''

''I just left Clarke in her very lair, Bellamy,'' I growl, almost crying out with desperation, ''I _have_ to trust her!''

''Clarke made her choice. She chose to trust her, again, even after her betrayal and what we've had to do because of it,'' Bellamy's eyes glisten with what looks like the threat of real tears now. He's never forgiven himself for what he had to do at Mount Weather, and now he's even more angry at Clarke for trusting the one who made him do it all. I feel his pain. I feel it raw. 

''She left us again, Tasha,'' he says almost desperately, ''I'm not chasing after her this time around.''

I don't really know what to say.

Pike's left us to speak in private all this while, but now he's left the bench and slowly approached us, placing a hand over one of mine still clutching a bar.

''I know how clever you are,'' he looks me in the eyes with what seems like genuine warmth, ''I don't need to tell you anything. Just look around you for a while. Then look back into the past. You'll figure it out on your own.''

''Visit time over,'' one of the guards at the door announces, ''Miss, you must leave these premises.''

''Remember those who've fallen,'' Pike adds before I'm forced to leave, ''Remember your father. Would he still be alive today if Lexa hadn't left him to die?''

''Miss-,'' the guard now has a hand on my arm and I have to move, but I find myself almost unable to let go of that prison bar. I feel so stupid. Lexa killed my father as much as Cage did. How can I trust her again? How could I leave Clarke there?

When I make my way outside, I find it hard to breathe properly. I'm on the very edge of a panic attack, it seems, and I feel dizzy. My breathing's too fast and my hands are shaking and I feel like crying and retching all at once. My teeth are numb and my tongue tingles. I need water, and I need to be able to take more air in. I hardly know where I'm going.

''Tasha?'' I hear someone call my name, and the voice sounds so akin to my dad's that for a moment my heart almost stops. Of course, Bryan's voice is nothing like my dad's, but my brain's just been through an episode of something. When the attack starts letting up, I realize I'm sitting on the ground against the wall of Arkadia, hugging my knees. Bryan's holding me firmly until I'm almost not shaking any longer, and he's pulled back the hair from my now sweaty but cold face and lifted it chin up so I can take more air in. It only now starts sinking in what exactly has just happened.

''Hey,'' he calls out, looking into my eyes with worry as though trying to find me somewhere inside this shell of mine, ''Hey. You okay?''

I swallow something hard and dry. My mouth needs water. My limbs still feel light and shaky and tingly and I don't really want to get up. My eyes sting with a couple of involuntary tears meant to lubricate my sore sockets. My heart's still beating fast, but I find my voice.

''Yeah.''

''Can you get up?''

I nod.

''Come on,'' he helps me up with a hand on my arm, ''Let's get you some water.''

The next thing I really know is I'm sitting on the bed Nathan and Bryan share sipping on some water. Nathan's standing in front of me, still in his guard uniform, staring at me like I'm the world's biggest problem that's going to worry him sick until solved. I feel silly now that it's all over. I feel stupid. I know it's not something I could have really controlled, but I feel stupid nevertheless.

Nathan runs a hand over his face before crossing his arms on his chest. ''What happened?'' he frowns.

I realize I've been silent for quite a while, and now that I'm actually about to speak again, it all comes back to me. The realization. The horror of it. The fear. The alarm. The helplessness. 

''Grounders,'' I only say, fearing that if I say much more at once I might go into another panic attack or just downright start crying. Maybe my PTSD isn't doing much better than anyone else's after all.

''What about them?'' Nate asks.

''Three hundred of them surrounding us. They could slaughter us at a word of Lexa's, and we're just sitting here, like pigs waiting for slaughter-''

''They're here to protect us,'' Nathan says calmly, like I'm being silly and he's about to reason it out with me, ''You know that.''

''Do I? Do we?!''

''For God's sake, Tasha; Indra leads them. _Indra._ You yourself trained with her warriors, among them. Remember?''

Even Indra turned back that fateful day.

''Indra answers to Lexa,'' I argue, ''If Lexa told her to kill me she wouldn't even blink.''

''We're the thirteenth clan now, which means we answer to Lexa too,'' Nate reasons, ''She has no reason to betray us again.''

''And you're so sure about that?! Really, Nathan?! After everything?!''

Nathan sighs like he's tired and a bit lost himself, before he takes a few paces. Bryan's been leaning against the wall and listening to the exchange this whole time without saying a word. Of course Nathan's not sure - no one can ever be about anything - but he's clearly made his choice about the whole matter.

''Well, we trust Clarke at least, don't we,'' he says.

''We know where that led us,'' I reply.

''To getting our people out?''

''Not all of our people,'' I say, thinking about my father lying in the cold earth as we speak, rotting away into nothingness. Like he never was. Like he never fought.

''She's right,'' Bryan speaks up for the first time, almost timidly. Nathan and I both look to him. ''I don't trust Lexa,'' he goes on, ''And I don't like the way Clarke does.''

Nathan scoffs, lifting his hands up as though in defeat. ''You're both on some other shit right now,'' he shakes his head, ''You need to cool off for a while. If those Grounders outside were here to kill us, they would have done it by now.''

''We don't know Lexa's plan. We don't know why she does the things she does,'' Bryan says.

''We never did,'' I add in agreement.

''Whatever,'' Nate shakes his head, ''I'm not doing this with either of you right now. I'm just gonna remind you that Pike was ready to single-handedly slaughter three hundred people last night, while most of them probably _slept_. One of our own attacked Lincoln in the middle of a damn memorial. You do the freakin' math.''

When Nathan storms out and leaves us, I find that I can hardly move. I don't feel very well, and Bryan tells me something about staying there to rest before he leaves as well. He comes back soon saying he's done his voting. I end up falling asleep on their bed and waking up only after the voting's officially done, some time after midnight. There's no way I could have gone and faced that choice myself. I'm too torn and terrified, and when it's all done I'm half-afraid to ask who's the new Chancellor. 

I almost want and fear the same thing at the same time.


	19. Chapter 19

''Everybody, listen up. Twenty-four hours ago you elected me your Chancellor. Every action I've taken since and every action I will take will be to achieve one sacred goal. The creation of a self-sustaining, prosperous, and safe Arkadia,'' Pike announces from the platform, worn out and bloody, as the people around listen and cheer for his words, ''This morning on a muddy field our people paid tribute to those who have been taken from us by sending a message to the Grounders. This land is ours now! Resist, and you will be met by force. Fight, and you will be greeted by death. Today is a new beginning. Mark it down, remember it, just like the Grounders will remember it.''

Cheers all around. Some mixed responses, some horrified faces, but mostly cheers. I don't know how to feel. Ten of them killed three hundred? How could that be? Bellamy is drenched in blood. If that's what really happened, then it wasn't a battle, it was a massacre. Yet as horrified as I am by the fact, I also somehow feel safer. If it had to be done, does the method matter?

This is horrible. Horrifying. And in the midst of the horror I worry Bellamy will never again be the same. What kind of person have I become? He just _killed_ , and I worry about him instead of condemning him? Yet, we're at war. And as much as I can hardly look at the scene before me, I'd rather that we have blood on our hands than that we shed any more of our own.

What happens now? If it hadn't been open war before, it sure as hell is now. Did we win a battle to lose a war? Did we just merely postpone our deaths and made them more violent? Grounders _will_ retaliate. It's what they do. We raised the first weapon. It's real now.

Whatever hope Kane had of stabilizing peace through diplomacy is gone out the window. We need to prepare. Camp defenses, fortified walls, weapons and ammo, team organization. My mind is going into overdrive just because I'd rather get on it immediately than stand here and be terrified.

The gates are sealed already. By the time the rally's dispersed and I've lost both of the Blakes somewhere in the crowd, the main entrance is manned and heavily armed. There won't be getting in or out without Pike's permission now, to keep us as safe as possible. I won't be able to see with my own eyes what happened out there, and I'm not sure I want to anyway.

I need to talk to Bellamy, but whatever goes on for the rest of the day in the Chancellor's office, I'm not in on it. The anxiety of expecting an attack is killing me, and no one is telling me _anything_. The people of Arkadia are unusually calm - what with all the guards already on defense duty - but I want to jump out of my skin. I barely share a word with Jasper and Jessi, and when I lie down to sleep, there is no way I can drift off. I toss and turn until well before dawn, before I decide to give up and get up. I need to find out what exactly is happening. It's not war that eats me up, it's the not knowing. I've known war, I'm comfortable in its horrors by now. It's my province. I'm always ready for it, expecting it. 

But I need my own eyes and ears and good judgement. I need to see and hear and conclude without either Kane or Pike meddling with my thoughts, without my love for Bellamy clouding everything. I need to know if we just did the right thing and bought ourselves time, or made the worst mistake since we came down to Earth.

I know Pike's changed the security clearance of the Chancellor's office, but I need to get in there now that he's asleep. I can't count on Monty for this, but there is someone I might.

''Wick! Wick, get up!'' I hiss as I try to whisper through the door, trying also to knock as lightly as I can, all the while anxiously looking up and down the hall. No one coming yet, but the guards on patrol will come through any minute now. The seconds drag on like hours, even though Kyle is a light sleeper and is up on his feet quicker than it seems. Ever since Mount Weather, he's had his sleep troubles, and it's no wonder. I don't think it will get better now that Raven's barely escaped death in that mountain again.

''What th- Tasha? Wha- Good God almighty, I really need to find out why it is that you hate me so much-''

''No time for whining and sarcasm, Wick; I need you.''

My urgent tone wakes and sobers him up. For a split-second he wants to ask questions, but the look on my face just makes him decide to go get properly dressed immediately and follow me wordlessly.

Once we've made half our way through, ducking and dodging and avoiding guards on night shift, he finally breaks the question.

''Will you now tell me what exactly it is that we're doing?''

''I need to get into the Chancellor's office.''

'' _What?!_ '' he would have shrieked if he wasn't whispering.

''You're the only one I know that can hack into that thing. Hell, you re-designed half of Arkadia yourself. I need you,'' I say, but that last part comes out like something akin to downright begging. He looks back into my eyes like he's considering the craziness and weighing it against the trust he has in me. After a moment too long and a look on his face that tells me he's about to cuss himself out, he gives in.

If getting here was filling us with anxiety, the actual work on the security lock is about to really make me jump out of my own skin. It's going too slow, and every time I hear footsteps somewhere in the distance as I patrol around him, we need to stop what we're doing and hide, only to go back to it once the guards are gone. My grumbling isn't helping him either, and his biting back isn't making him work any faster. I'm damn near eating my own feast by the time I hear the familiar ''beep''. One would think that would give me relief, but now's just the worst part started.

''What are you looking for?''

''Just watch the door,'' I only say, hastily all but throwing myself at Pike's desk.

There are maps on the surface, clearly showing the ground around Arkadia. I've been through some of these villages, but why are some of them marked and circled in color red? Are Grounder armies already forming there? This doesn't tell me anything, and I don't know what I'd do with the knowledge anyway, but I still memorize the villages. More. I need more.

The computer.

Pike's records aren't password protected, so it's the first surge of relief I feel since we came here, even though Wick is constantly hissing at me from the doorway to hurry the hell up. It's not like there's much to password protect anyway - all I find is Arkadia calculations. Supplies, rations, all of that stuff. I'm ready to disregard it completely and turn it all off when my eyes decide to latch onto one of the pages particularly. I know what it is the moment I see it, but it doesn't sink in until I zoom.

No one was exaggerating when they said we were slowly starving.

Our supplies could last us - what, several months? Rationing could maybe stretch it to a year, but that's it, and by the end we'd all probably look like walking skeletons. We have no arable land, and the way our trading routes are cut off, every hunt and every water run is a risk, now more than ever. How long would Lexa let us live like this? And would she?

Jasper's voice echoes through my mind saying we should have left when we had the chance.

''They're coming,'' Wick hisses, and I manage to turn it all off and scamper without trace right on time.

We don't talk until we're safely behind closed doors in his room. I'm still catching my breath and calming down when he attacks with a question, adrenaline still coursing through him.

''Mind explaining me what that was all about?!?''

''Pike just killed three hundred people, Wick, dragging Bellamy along. I would have trusted both with my life up until now when I need to see for myself if this was the right thing to do or a horrible mistake, because either way we've just started a God damn war. And-''

''And?!''

''I don't know!'' I throw up my hands, ''Lexa sent them here saying they're our protection, and Kane trusted her. Pike never did, thinking it was a God damn siege, and now they're annihilated. But they were not Azgeda, Wick. They were not the people that blew up the mountain. I was terrified when they were there because I still can't trust Lexa, but now I'm terrified that they're dead thinking we might have slaughtered innocents. How are we supposed to know?!"'

''We can't,'' he flunks down on his bed, elbows on knees, rubbing his hands, ''We really can't. In the end it's about trust.''

''Trust?! We trusted Lexa once! And now my dad is dead, and so is Fox and Maya and so many innocent people who've helped us, and children! Children, Wick! She turned us into murderers. We trusted Lexa, and now Raven's worse than ever, Jasper's downright suicidal, Clarke's been on the run for her life for months, and I can't for the life of me figure out why I'm still here!''

''I know.''

''This is what trust in Lexa brought us, Kyle. Your sleepless nights. My panic attacks. Harper's screams the other day when she saw a freakin' drill in the storage room. Nathan used to wake up in cold sweat every night thinking he has to fight his way out of our tent. How am I supposed to trust her again?''

''You already did,'' he says, ''You left Clarke behind and came back with Kane bearing the mark of the thirteenth clan. You made that choice already.''

''And now I have to live with it.''

''Okay, we need to think about _what_ we actually know,'' Kyle says, ''Supplies. Trading routes. Territory cut off. That's clearly a problem.''

''Clearly,'' I almost scoff as I pace around the room.

''On the other hand, Lexa _just_ took us in as part of the coalition. We never even gave her time to fix the situation. As the thirteenth clan, we would be enjoying all the comforts the other clans do, right?''

''Right.''

''But it's been barely a few days since Kane took the brand. Lexa never even had the chance.''

''So what you're saying is you trust her?''

''What I'm saying is I trust _you_. There's no way in hell you trusted her that day without cause.''

I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything. I just sort of freeze in my fear and jumbled thoughts, not sure anymore if this is dreams or reality.

''So what was it?'' Wick asks, tearing me away from the silence, ''What made you believe her? Was it Clarke? Was it Kane and Abby?''

''No,'' I admit. The truth of it startles even me. 

''Then what was it?''

''Her eyes,'' I say, ''The anger in them when she heard about what Azgeda did. And the way she looks at Clarke.''

Wick only nods, like he's proved his point, like he's just led me to an answer. But it's not that simple.

''How are you so calm?'' I ask him.

''Calm? I'm terrified. But it's my default settings so you can't tell.''

He manages to get a huff of laughter out of me. That's Kyle Wick for you.

I sit down next to him, suddenly tired. 

''So what do you think?'' I ask him, inspecting the lines in my own palms, ''Did Pike make a mistake?''

''I think it doesn't matter now,'' he says, ''If we weren't at war before we sure as hell are now. Better take up a gun and duck for cover because thinking about it won't be of much use in any way.''

''Fuck,'' I say, burying my face into my hands for a second, ''Fuck, what if they were really there to protect us? Fuck, fuck, fuck! That's innocent people, Wick!''

''I know,'' he frowns, like the weight of the entire world is pressing against him.

''I need to know for sure.''

''How?''

''I need to get to Clarke-''

''If Clarke's still in Polis then she's in as much danger as you'd be if you dared step into their territory right now; are you insane?! Besides, there's no way you're getting out of camp now-''

''I have to find a way-''

''No, you have to sit down and have a gun with you at all times, that's what you have to do. Tasha, listen to me!'' he grabs my arm and looks into my eyes, ''What's done is done. There _will be_ consequences. We _will_ have to face them. Risking your neck out there won't change a thing.''

''I can't do nothing, Wick,'' I argue but even once I leave and as I'm walking back to my quarters, I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do. I have no plan of action. If Pike's made a terrible mistake, then I need to save him and Bellamy from it too. I have to.

But how?

Dawn still hasn't cracked when I enter our room, and even though Jessi is fast asleep, I somehow manage to wake Jasper up.

''Where have you been?'' he asks through squinty, sleepy eyes. 

''Went for a walk, couldn't sleep.''

''That's 'cause you're breaking your back on that damn cot all the time,'' he mumbles closing his eyes again, but making room on his bed for me, ''You always gotta be the bigger person, then suffer for it. You tire me mentally.''

''Feel free to stretch out, I really can't sleep.''

He sits up now, and squints right at me. ''What's wrong?''

''Nothing. I'm just... thinking, you know. One of those nights.''

''We've been through this before, if the Grounders attack in the night it's not like we-''

''No, it's not that,'' I stop him, ''Just thoughts. All kinds. Doesn't matter.''

I'm not sure that he believes me, but he doesn't push anyway. ''Okay,'' he nods with suspicion, ''So what, now you're gonna watch us sleep? Don't be creepy.''

''Shut up,'' I grin, pretending I'm gonna throw the boot I just took off right at him. He almost ducks instinctively.

''Well, that won't do,'' he gets outta bed, stretches, then scratches the top of his head like he's trying to figure out what he needs to do first, ''Wanna watch a movie?''

''What?''

''They recovered the archive. I got my hands on a pad.''

''Wow. Okay,'' I say, because the proposition is so _normal_ that it's completely out of place, ''Considering we could get slaughtered before next nightfall, I'd say it's a great idea. But I don't think I can focus.''

''Wow,'' he says, ''And then I'm the gloomy one.''

''You don't smell like booze,'' I notice, before breaking into a grin, ''This just made my day!''

''And it's not even morning yet,'' he smiles with irony, ''Well, someone told me to get my shit together, because, you know, we kind of adopted a kid.''

We both look to my bed. The little thing is still sleeping soundly and will for another few hours. The first sun-rays of dawn are cracking through, but I find myself wanting time to stop. She's just a kid.

''Jesus, Jasper,'' I want to groan but it comes out as a sigh, ''These kids. We've been through this before, but these kids-''

''Well, you got Pike to thank for it,'' he says as he pushes an arm through a jacket sleeve.

''You think he made a mistake?''

''I think he made the first move. That's bad enough.''

''Christ,'' I whisper, burying my face into my hands and trying to rub the frustration right out of my skin. Of course, it doesn't work.

A knock on the door tears me out of it. It not only startles me, but downright scares me. At this hour?

''Natasha Parish! Natasha Parish, report to the Chancellor's office,'' the voice and knocking boom way too loud, ''Natasha Parish,'' he repeats with another knock, and I jump on my feet and run to the door before he can wake the little girl now stirring, leaving Jasper still standing there, completely stunned.

''A child is sleeping,'' I hiss at the guard in front of me the moment I open the door. Then I see it's Gillmer and I want to hiss some more. He looks like he hates the sight of me just as much.

''Report to the Chancellor's office-''

''I heard you the first time,'' I bite back, ''Why?!''

''Find out yourself,'' he only says, before walking away.

What could it be, especially at this hour? Did he find out what me and Wick did? How _could_ he have? And if he did, would he punish me, and how? Would he really, since it's _me_? I don't know. I don't know why I'm feeling fear and apprehension either, but I have a bad feeling as I make my way down the halls.

A tiny voice in the back of my mind wonders if Pike is more dangerous for us than Lexa, but I don't hear it.


	20. Chapter 20

''You sent for me, sir?''

''Ah, Tasha,'' Pike looks up from his desk to greet me, ''Yes. Hope I didn't wake you up.''

''Not at all, sir. Sleep doesn't come easy when you're at war.''

''True, that. I haven't exactly slept myself,'' he says, and when I enter I can see it clearly enough - I don't think he's really had an hour of sleep. Does what they've done haunt him? What am I thinking, of course it does. What he deems necessary doesn't mean that it's easy for him. He'll kill if he must, but he won't like it. 

The reality of it hasn't completely sunk into my mind either - I know I should be way more horrified about three hundred people killed. But after you've been through what I've been through since I came to Earth, this sort of thing is no longer way out of the ordinary. And how messed up is that? The girl back on the Ark would have needed therapy for the rest of her life if she could have looked into the future.

''But I didn't call you here to discuss our sleep patterns,'' he adds, ''I'm sure you have an idea as to why I did.''

''A vague one.''

''Come,'' he beckons, and when I obey and approach him at the desk, he shows me one of the maps. The other ones have been put together and safely tucked away and the one unmarked is laid down before me. No red marks, no circles, no little writings and measurements. And it makes sense that he wouldn't want me to see what I already secretly have - until he knows I'm with him for sure. The thought of a punishment swiftly crosses my mind though, and I instantly shudder. I wouldn't be surprised by a lashing at least, but I still have faith in Pike's soft spot for me, should it come to it. Maybe a few nights behind bars? Maybe.

''It's time to start planning,'' he says, looking at the map, ''It's time to fight for what's ours.''

''Arkadia already is ours.''

''Not for long, not really. With all resources cut off, are we free? Are we on land of our own?''

''So what do you suggest?''

''Nothing yet. First I need to know if you're with me.''

''With you, sir?''

''It is no secret not all here support the policies we now abide by,'' he explains, ''I don't know who you voted for and I don't want to know. What I want to know is if you truly realize and fully understand that we are at war.''

I don't know exactly why this makes me angry, but it does. Do I realize? Do I understand? I'm not a child. We're at war, that's for sure. What I'm not sure about is if we were at war already before he went and raised the first weapon. I don't let my sudden anger show, though.

''Of course I understand, sir,'' I say, ''Everyone does, now.''

''Do you understand that we'll have to fight even harder now to free ourselves? That we'll have to kill more?''

''We've killed ever since we first landed, sir,'' I say, blood boiling on the low, ''It's nothing new.''

''Are you willing to fight?''

''Depends on what for.''

''What else is there? Survival!'' he says, but passionately now, eyes burning and glistening, ''This is what it's all about! We cannot survive here, not without food and fresh water. Not without land and freedom of movement. We're penned here like pigs and we'll die like pigs unless we fight our way out.''

''That's true,'' I say, ''But it might be we could have achieved our goals through diplomacy instead of war, sir.''

''Diplomacy? We've already tried that. It's why we are where we are,'' he says, before his expression and voice softens, ''Kane is a good man, and he's tried everything, done his absolute best. And what did his diplomacy leave him with?''

Wick's words echo in my mind. We never gave him a chance. We never gave Lexa a chance. We didn't give them time enough. But I don't say anything.

''Do you know how many children there are in Arkadia?'' he goes on, ''Every month, the rationing would get worse. Soon enough, it would become extreme. The children - our future? They wouldn't survive.''

That throws me aback a bit. I've somehow never thought about that possibility.

''This is the only way now,'' he adds, ''No use thinking what could have been. We're here, and we have no choice. We will have to fight, but what I want to know is if you'll fight with me or stay behind walls and wait for the nightmare to end, because in that case you might have to wait a while.''

''I've never sat behind walls while others fought,'' I argue back, almost offended, ''With all due respect, sir; you don't know the things I've done and the things I've faced. Fighting is _all_ I know. It's all I've had to do, and even if I could have had a choice - do you think trying to sit it out would be easier? When your own thoughts come to get you, you wish you had a gun in your hands and an enemy in your face because that's hell of a lot better.''

''I know,'' he says, ''That's why you're here. I could use you by my side. A warrior like you would be the most valuable asset I could have right now.''

''I'm no warrior.''

''Oh, but you are,'' he insists, ''Whether you think it or not. People of Arkadia - our people - they will have to rely on warriors like you in days to come. Here is where you make a choice. Will you protect them?''

''They rely on you now, not on kids like me.''

''It's kids like you that will save us,'' he replies, ''I'm about to hold a meeting here and before it starts I need to know if you'll stay or leave.''

A knock on the door, speak of the devil. Pike tells them to wait a minute. I'm suddenly aware of everything. Things are put in motion. What happened on that field was just the beginning. This is where things unfold. More is coming. And I have to make a choice - will I be by Pike's side when it does?

If he's right about this, then I want to be there. If he's wrong, the only way I could even try and help fix this situation would be from the inside. Either way, I have to get in and see.

''I'll stay,'' I say, but my words suddenly sound like someone else's for a moment.

''Good,'' he nods, before calling everyone in.

Bellamy comes in first, then Monty and Hannah, then the rest. Both Monty and Bell are a bit surprised to see me for a split-second, before the rest fill up the office. Bellamy looks tired and worn out. And sad. I wish I could comfort him. When he stands next to me, I wish I could touch him.

When the introductions start, I can barely focus. Pike talks and people nod and he pulls out the maps and my eyes get glued to the familiar sight. A new kind of nervousness settles into the pit of my stomach. Now I'll find out what's next. Pike says something about having one more person among his most trusted people, but I barely respond with a smile. I'm eager to find out what we're going to do next. I'm eager to know more. Folks ask him questions, but the responses are nothing of substance. Pike then goes over the accounts once more, explaining the current supply situation as well as camp points in which security should be tightened. Then he whips up _the_ map.

''So here's how we act upon these problems,'' he says, ''Our goal is secure access to water and arable land with defensible terrain on as many sides as possible. A 15 kilometer perimeter around Arkadia should be sufficient.''

''More than sufficient, I'd say,'' I speak for the first time since this whole meeting started, and I find that my voice is a bit groggy from lack of use, ''The river cuts right into, we just needed safe passage the way we used to have it. There was no lack of showers in Arkadia before it was Arkadia.''

''Exactly,'' Pike says, ''Safe passage.''

''But their army is gone now,'' I say, ''That problem is fixed.''

''Is it?'' he asks, ''More will come, you can be sure of it.''

''But 15 kilometers?'' Bell asks, before pointing to the map, ''Sir, there's a Grounder village.''

''Right,'' I say, leaning in to take a better look, ''That's- That's Tondc.''

''Which will no doubt be the staging grounds for a retaliatory attack. Clearing it will be our first order of business. What's the location of the village?''

''Clearing it?'' I ask, just as Bellamy sounds the same concern:

''Clear the village?''

''Those are civilians, not warriors,'' I add.

''Give us the room,'' Pike only says, and to his order, everyone except us files out. Then, when I expect him to tell us something, to talk to us and give us some kind of a pep talk, he just leans against the desk and sighs. Then he goes over and reaches for a guard uniform. When he steps back and offers it to Bellamy, Bell just looks lost if anything.

''Thought you might like this back,'' Pike says, but when Bell doesn't make a move, he just puts the uniform back on the table, ''Do you have something to say to me?''

I want to speak, and I have so much to say, but when I open my mouth I'm surprised to find out that Bellamy's the one to beat me to it. And I didn't expect to hear what he says:

''We went too far.''

 _Damn right, you did,_ I think, but I don't say. Even if this is the way to go, we needed a different approach. Now Bellamy has the weight of more lives upon his shoulders.

''I know it seems harsh, but we don't leave survivors,'' explains Pike, ''We don't have the medical supplies to treat their people, and we can't risk them coming back to kill us. You know, we've all learned pretty quickly that war causes us to do things that we'll spend the rest of our lives trying to forget. The only advice I can give you is to think about the lives we saved, not the ones that were lost. Can you do that?''

If we really _have_ saved lives, then it's worth it. But did we? I certainly hope, and it's all I can do right now. It makes me think, and it takes Bell one long moment too.

''Yes, sir,'' Bell finally replies, and once he does, Pike hands him back the guard uniform. This time, Bell takes it and puts it on.

''And what about you?'' he turns to me, ''Will you be able to think about the lives of the children in this camp once you're forced to take lives of the enemy?''

I swallow. There has to be another way. I won't kill another's child either.

''Yes, sir,'' I say instead.

''Good,'' Pike says, ''Meeting adjourned for you two. Go have some rest. Might be you'll need it before the day is done.''

His words leave me with an unsettling feeling, but Bellamy and I both nod in understanding and head outside. Once we're out, Lincoln and Kane are right there at the door, waiting for their turn, both looking as pissed as ever. I'm almost surprised to see them, and Bellamy almost bumps right into them, and I wonder what it is that they came here for. Surely, they know they can't do much to even inspire let alone change any one of Pike's decisions.

''He's ready for you,'' Bell tells them.

''What the hell happened out there?!'' Lincoln demands, and for the first time I realize that he actually really might not know. And it suddenly horrifies me. Those were his people. Where does that leave him? What can he do?

''We did what we had to do,'' Bell tells them and tries to walk away, but Kane stops him, grabbing him.

''Wake up,'' he almost hisses right into his face, ''You attacked an army that was here to help us! You murdered innocent people! Is that who you are now?! You thought you couldn't live with yourself after Mt. Weather?! Well, you just started a war that'll kill us all!''

'' _You_ need to wake up,'' Bell replies, ''And don't tell me the difference between Azgeda and Trikru.''

''Bell-,'' I call, but he doesn't hear me. I look to Lincoln. He's facing the wall now, looking so angry that he's ready to punch right through it. This isn't right. Azgeda and Trikru are not the same.

''Trikru killed 37 of my friends before you even touched the ground,'' Bell continues, ''We didn't start anything. They did.''

''Bell!'' I call again, but nothing deters him. When Lincoln suddenly gets all up in his face, he seems to finally wake up for a moment.

'' _They?_ '' Lincoln asks, hurt and pissed all in the same. I'm frozen before the scene.

''You know what I meant,'' replies Bell.

''I used to,'' Lincoln only says before he proceeds into the office, storming in. Bellamy walks away. I'm left standing with Kane, unsure where to go, because I want to go after both. I realize how upset I am by witnessing this moment once my mind suddenly goes into overdrive with every single memory I have of Lincoln for some reason. _This isn't right_ echoes through my head. I don't know what to do. Kane's eyes are suddenly heavy on me and I'm too aware of it. What does he expect of me?

''And what about you?'' he finally steps toward me, ''Is this who you are now? You of all people should know better. Your father would have wante-''

''Don't talk to me about what my father would have wanted. He's dead because of Lexa-''

''He's dead because of the Mountain Men-''

''I will not argue this with you! You don't know why I'm here or what I'm doing, so don't talk about what you don't know-''

''If you're with Pike then you're on the wrong side-''

''Probably, but I'm going to find that out myself!'' I retort, ''And I'm on a good path.''

Whatever anger I tried to contain with Pike, Kane just squeezed right out of me, so when I storm past, my feet carry me to Bellamy on their own.

I find Bell in his room, but when he opens his door for me he just goes right back to his bed and sits slumping down. I'm pissed at myself that even though he was way out of line back there, I still want to comfort him seeing him like this. He's hurting so much. That's why he does the things he does. He doesn't question things the way I do. Anger and grief lead him blindly, and every time he _does_ question things, like the way he did back there with Tondc, anger and grief just kick right back in and nothing else exists once more.

''You need sleep,'' I say instead of about a million different things I actually want to say.

''So do you,'' he says, not looking up. His elbows are on his knees and he's leaning forward inspecting his own palms.

''I don't have to live with what you have to live with,'' I reply, but once I say it, it just sounds wrong, like I'm accusing, which maybe I even should be doing, but it wasn't my intention. I almost wince at my own words. He doesn't reply, though. So I walk up to him and crouch down in front of him.

''Hey,'' I say, lifting his face up with a hand on his cheek.

Somehow, he finds a small smile somewhere in him. ''Hey.''

''You're doing your best,'' I tell him now that I finally have him looking into my eyes, ''You always have. There is no one else in the world I'd rather trust with the protection of my life.''

''Yeah, well, I failed,'' he says, ''But now I'm going to make up for it.''

''You don't have to make up for anything, Bell,'' I say, ''What Azgeda did at Mount Weather was not your fault.''

''But it was,'' he argues, tugging at the hem of his guard jacket, ''It was my job to protect them, and I failed them. It won't happen again.''

''There is no way you could have known,'' I say, ''I went to Polis with you, remember? We all fell for it. And how could we not?''

''It's what happens when you trust a Grounder, doesn't it?'' he pulls back, ''I would have trusted Echo with my life-''

''Echo is Azgeda, and that's where her loyalties have always lied-''

''No, screw that!'' he argues, ''Was Lexa Azgeda?!''

''No, but-''

''Then don't give me that crap when you know damn well Trikru have taken more from us than anyone-''

''Bell, please,'' I almost beg, ''I'm not trying to argue with you.''

''Then don't.''

''I'm trying to talk to you,'' I insist, ''I'm not saying you're wrong. It's true. Trikru took a lot from us. But we were at war with them then. We took from them just as much. That war ended.''

''Did it?'' he stands up and walks away to face the wall, so I have to get up and follow him. I won't let him slip away.

''Yes, it did,'' I insist still, finding his eyes again.

''How, with Lexa's betrayal?''

''She kept the peace.''

''After making me do what I did-''

''I'm not trying to excuse her, Bell. Fuck Lexa! But think about Lincoln-''

''Lincoln is one man-''

''But he's not!'' I argue, ''Lincoln, Rand, Indra, Nyko, Drea, Nyla-''

''They're exceptions, not the rule-''

''They're _people_! Just like you and me! People who've helped us! I am alive today because of Trikru. Not all of them are the same.''

''I can't take chances because of a handful of people.''

''Lincoln literally went to hell and back for you-''

''As I did for him.''

''So is this what it comes down to?''

''This is not about Lincoln; he's one of us,'' Bell argues, ''If he can't see that then I'm sorry-''

''I don't believe that you don't see it-''

''Why are you here?!'' he stops this whole ramble. I take a moment. What do I say? Because I love him still and want to help him?

''Why do you think,'' I say instead.

''To tell me to wake up, the way Kane thinks I'm some sort of lost puppy trailing after Pike-''

''No, Bell,'' I stop him right there, shaking my head, ''I'm here because I understand you. I understand that everything you do is because you're angry and hurt and because there's misplaced guilt tearing you apart. And maybe Pike's right, but I want you to follow him because you should, not because you're driven by what's killing you.''

''The way you do?''

''The way I do what?''

''Follow him. You think I'm wrong about Trikru, yet you're still with Pike. Why?''

''Because we're at war either way now,'' I say, ''And time will tell.''

Bell nods, like he's acknowledging my replies, ''So what you're saying is you're going to Tondc with us.''

''I guess so.''

''Even if it means killing civilians.''

''No,'' I say, ''I won't kill innocents. I will go and I will fight warriors if there are any.''

''Pike won't give you that choice.''

''I make my own choices. It's how it's always been,'' I say, ''Remember?''

''You can't sabotage the mission. I won't let you.''

''Then don't let me. But I don't think you'll shoot at civilians either.''

''You don't know me as well as you think you do,'' he shakes his head, suddenly looking so defeated, before heading back to the bed and just letting himself lie down to stare at the ceiling. The way his curls fall on the pillow makes me crave touching him again. I hate this.

''On the contrary. I know you better than you know yourself,'' I say.

He huffs with a smile, but I'm not sure if it's sincerity or irony. It's like a mixture of both.

''Rest. I should, too,'' I say, ''And think about Lincoln.''

''I can't afford to think about Lincoln.''

''You have to,'' I say, and just as my hand is on the door and I'm about to leave, Bellamy stops me.

''Wait.''

I freeze. When I turn around to meet his eyes, they're suddenly so soft and he looks so vulnerable I feel like my heart will break.

''Stay here with me,'' he says.

''Why?'' I ask evenly, but my heart is thundering.

''Because I'm alone,'' he says, ''And you're the only one I could ever be weak in front of.''

So I let go of the door and walk back and climb onto the bed next to him and we lie like that in complete silence for who knows how long, alone together.


	21. Chapter 21

When I wake up next to Bellamy, I realize it's been the most peaceful bit of sleep I've had in ages. It's like I've slept on a soft cloud, completely dreamless. Bellamy's still asleep beside me, a painfully familiar sight before me. For a moment it's like every single memory I have of him like this comes crashing back in a flashback slide-show, but being in a bed with him even this innocently and platonically makes it painless. Like I'm in a moment outside of the real world and nothing can hurt me while I'm here. 

He looks so beautiful, though. Beautiful, and carefree. All of his troubles can't seem to reach him now, wherever he is. I feel the urge to touch him, to run my fingers through the locks of his hair, but all I can do is allow myself another few moments to simply look at him, memorizing every feature and every single line of his face like I won't have this chance ever again. Then - with a heavy heart, because I don't really want to leave - I carefully get off the bed, making sure not to disturb him. The world and all its demons can wait for another hour or two. Let him have his rest.

For how long did we nap? It has to be past noon by now. If we'd been needed, we would have been called upon. So considering the fact that I might actually have the rest of the day free and to myself, I decide to go check on Raven. The last time I saw her, her leg was killing her, and she tried to pretend harder than ever that it wasn't. And now that Mount Weather's gone, there's an even smaller chance of her getting better, and I'd have to be a fool to think she doesn't think about that constantly. The thought tears me apart, but it's no use bringing it up either. I know she won't talk, so all I really can do is just sort of be there. Maybe if I manage to let her know that she's not alone, it will help. It certainly helped me, when I felt like I was slipping away. Nathan had pulled me back from the brink by just being there.

_''Shut up. You're lying-''_

_''I'm not!''_

_''There is no way in hell tha-''_

_''I'm telling you! Go see for yourself, if you want. Shift's over in twenty anyway-''_

_''That man is a god damn cockroach-''_

_''Thelonius Jaha, man. Now they'll really think he's some sort of god.''_

I don't hear anything the two patrolling guards on duty are saying until one of them says that name. Then I freeze. My feet get planted in the middle of the hallway. It can't be. My skin crawls. It can't be.

I turn around on the balls of my feet.

''What did you just say?!''

The guards turn around, looking like they're confused and unsure if I'm talking to them. But there's no one else in this hallway. 

''What?'' one of them says.

''Thelonius Jaha,'' I say, ''You said Thelonius Jaha.''

''Yeah, he's back. Walked right up to the gate like an hour ago-''

He was going to say something else, and he may have, but I never heard him. I'm running like all hell has gone loose and is after me, the sound of my feet echoing through the hallways like thunder.

_John._

I don't realize how eagerly and how hard I'm banging against the Council Room door until a slightly concerned face of Abby Griffin greets me. It barely takes her a second to realize why I'm here, as soon as she sees my face. But her own drops too soon, and on some level I do immediately know what it means, yet it refuses to sink in. My heart has gone from fluttering to thumping like mad. John is back? He made it?

''Is it true?! Are they back?!'' I almost wheeze out, before Abby can even get the door fully open.

''It's true,'' she says, ''But- Tasha, not all of them returned.''

''What-? Who _did_?'' I feel panic bubbling somewhere below all this urgency, but I can't let it overpower me, ''Where's John?!''

She has that face on again. I hate that face. I hate it so much.

''Only Thelonius made it back,'' Abby explains, her face all ''I-regret-to-tell-you'' that makes me want to just grab her by the shoulders and shake her aggressively for a few good minutes.

''What does that even mean?!'' I almost shriek, ''Over a dozen people left with him-''

''John Murphy is fine!'' she insists over my words, ''Or at least he was the last time Thelonius saw him. He insists-''

''He _insists_?! What the hell happened, Abby?!''

''I don't know!'' Abby lifts up her hands in desperation before she lets them fall down, finally showing her true feelings about all of this, ''Twelve people left and only he returns, trying to feed me fairytales about some City of Light-''

''City of Light?''

''Apparently, he found it.''

''What?! How-''

''But it's not an actual city,'' she says, worry etching deep into every crease on her face, ''I don't know what he's talking about, but he's sure not talking about a place.''

''What are you saying?''

''Something like... if you die, you go to the City of Light. Except that he insists it's real,'' she says, before she shakes her head, ''But I have too many other things to worry about now, and I can't be thinking about this too-''

''But John-''

''He ran away with some Grounder girl, or at least that's what Thelonius says-''

''A Grounder girl?'' I repeat in disbelief, ''Wait - a girl? Wha- Now? Just like that? How-? That doesn't sound like John at all-''

''The important thing is he was well-''

''Unless Jaha's lying.''

''I don't think he is.''

''Why?''

''Because he was upfront with me about those who didn't make it.''

That puts my heart at ease somewhat. I know that John is a survivor, so if he was alive when they parted ways, chances are he's alive as we speak too. It's ridiculous how I believe in his survival blindly, but I do. Even though I really wish he were here instead. 

On the other hand, would that be better really? We're at the brink of a war. Might be he has it better somewhere out there. Might be he's safer out there than he would be here, as one of the hated Sky-people. And if he's gotten himself a girl, too? Wow, that's an odd thought. But it makes me somehow happy.

I just hope he's well and safe.

I'd wanted to confront Jaha about this himself, but suddenly I detest the mere idea of him. He took all those people with him over a pipe dream, and now they're all dead. John is the lucky one, and I assume the only reason he's still alive is because he didn't just follow Jaha blindly. Whatever the hell's gotten into Thelonius Jaha's head, I don't care for it. I don't want to hear about it, and especially not from him. He can go crazy for all I care, as long as he hasn't hurt John.

''God,'' I exhale, almost out of my control.

''I'm sorry,'' Abby says.

''No, I, uh... It's better this way,'' I nod, ''He's better off out there. Besides, you're right. We have bigger concerns on our plate.''

''About that,'' she takes a step toward me, ''If you know anything - _anything at all_ that could help us fix this situation - Tasha, you have to tell me-''

''What situation, Abby? We've already started a war,'' I reply, ''Now we have to deal with it, unless you think you can talk your way out of this one.''

''We still may be able to stop this-''

''How? Do you know how many of us are here? And how many Grounders out there? Lexa can whip up another few hundred warriors like it's the easiest thing in the world, Abby. If they're re-grouping at our doorstep, we can't just sit here and do nothing about it.''

''Pike needs to be _stopped_ ,'' she grabs my forearm looking me dead in the eyes, sounding like she's begging me, ''Not _followed through_ with.''

''Pike got us into this mess, but it's also Pike that's the only one that can end it now,'' I explain, ''Whether we like it or not. Unless you have a better option for an army vastly outnumbering us and amassing out there.''

She doesn't know what to say, because she has no answer to give me. And that's our biggest problem. Pike could have been wrong, but Pike knows exactly what he's doing, and what he must do from here on out. The opposition is fumbling in the dark.

Either way, she's saved by Jackson.

''Abby, I need you in the medbay!'' he literally barges in, in panic and alarm.

''What is it?!''

''They're expelling all the Grounder patients!''

And then it's all a mess I can't sort through. We rush to the medical to find the sick being escorted out and Pike is there overlooking the whole thing and I see Bellamy looking as troubled as ever and Jackson's just fumbling about, unsure what to do, and then Abby rounds up on Pike before he can even explain that we're running out of supplies to heal our own people and that he's not letting the Grounders go out into the wild but interning them. Then Lincoln barges in and it gets even worse, because the next thing I know is another altercation with Gillmer turns into a fight in what seems less than a moment, and I'm just standing there, because the worst thing is - there is no right answer, and there is nothing I can do. Gillmer's on the ground when Bellamy decides to interfere, and in the midst of it all he manages to get an elbow in his face too. And that's when I snap out of it.

''Stop this!''

Yet I don't need to say it, and before I can do anything about it, Lincoln's cuffed and roughed up and being taken away too.

''What are you doing?!''

''He goes with them,'' Pike replies, and I'm surprised he's even acknowledged me.

I don't know how exactly I'm protesting, or what reasons I'm stuttering out - I barely hear myself in all this commotion - but Pike doesn't care. No one does. Every single Grounder in Arkadia is now being taken away at gunpoint, like prisoners of war instead of invited patients. And all I can do now is watch the guards take them away, watch Bellamy follow them like a mindless zombie completely void of his own will. When Octavia comes into the whole scene, I decide I need to leave.

But I can't. Just when I consider taking up Jasper on that offer of leaving Arkadia only half-jokingly, Abby's hand has gripped my elbow, and she almost drags me away. 

''Follow me.''

I don't have much of a choice, so I do, and once we find an empty storage room, she spills out everything. Kane has a plan, and now it's in motion, and she tells me why he'd sent Octavia out, and what she saw and who she spoke to and why Clarke is here right now as we speak and what I need to do. And it's too much all at once, but time is not something we have, and I hate her for putting me on the spot. I hate it even more because I know she's put all her trust in me because I could just turn and walk away to Pike and spill everything to him instead. But she's here, trusting me.

''Why do you think I want to be a part of this?'' I argue, ''What makes you think I'll turn against Pike - against Bellamy?''

''Because you love them. Both,'' she argues back, standing her ground, ''And you won't let them make another mistake like that massacre out in the fields.''

''Abby-''

''We know the truth now. Clarke is here. Octavia saw everything herself. Hear it all from her if you must. But go to them,'' she insists, and takes a moment before saying what she says next, like she's investing the two words with all the prayers she's had lingering in the back of her mind: 

'' _Help us_.''

My feet carry me to Octavia on their own.


	22. Chapter 22

''Octavia,'' I whisper her name, but she reacts like it's blasted through a horde of war-horns. She turns on me almost on all fours, like a wild thing, and her hand goes to the hilt of her sword faster than my eyes can follow.

''You don't need that,'' I say calmly, but there is no calm anywhere in her.

''I won't kill you, Tasha; I'm not Pike,'' she bites back like she's disgusted with the mere idea, ''But I _will_ put you to sleep unless you back the hell off.''

''I'm here to help.''

''Yeah? I find that a little hard to believe after you've been snuggled next to Pike this entire time.''

''Look, I thought there was no other way!'' I insist, ''But if there is, and if there's the smallest chance of avoiding this war, then I'm here to help.''

She's almost shifting her weight with how restless and nervous she is, squatting here and trying to decide whether she should trust me or knock me out instead. A sheen of sweat mixed with dirt is making her face glisten, and there's a wound on her forehead I have no idea where she earned. Somehow she reminds me of a wild cat right now, and a thought of wonder about what the hell exactly is going on out there flies through my mind at the speed of a bullet.

''Look, we don't have much time. We can only avoid guards in these hallways for so long,'' I urge her, ''It's me, O. It's still me.''

I almost think she's forgotten all we've been through by the time her hand relaxes and falls from the back of her head. Then, after a long moment, she just gets up, turns around, and keeps walking, making sure her feet are silent and that she's keeping to the shadowed corners. I follow urgently.

''Clarke's taking too long,'' she says before we glue ourselves flat to the wall in the next hall, avoiding Pike's patrol passing by, ''Which means it's gone south.''

''Where _are_ they?'' I ask, but Octavia just nudges her head toward the door across. Convenient.

''I need to get Clarke out of here,'' she says, her eyes endlessly scanning every nook and cranny as though a couple of guards could just slither out through a hole in the wall, ''Any moment now.''

As though summoned, Bellamy almost slams the door open, pulling out a handcuffed Clarke with Gillmer in tow. I have no idea when Bell radio-ed him, but me and that man are apparently destined to really exchange fists one of these days. They're still far down, but I can see that Gillmer's taken the lead while Bellamy and Clarke are struggling and arguing unintelligibly. 

''Come on,'' Octavia moves, but I grab her elbow and pull her right back so she thumps against the wall. Her eyes widen like she's terrified I'm in the midst of betraying her, so I have to get the idea out of her head quickly.

''Just wait,'' I say, ''Pick your moment. Wait for them to come to you; there's two of them and one of you.''

''There's two of _us_ ,'' she says, slightly alarmed.

''I can't,'' I explain, ''I can't be seen with you. I can't lose Bellamy's trust, or Pike's. I need to stay in Pike's inner circle if Kane's poor excuse of a plan's gonna stand any chance.''

''Aren't you coming with us?!''

''Of course not, O,'' I say, ''I'm useful _here_ , not there.''

She nods in a mixture of understanding and disappointment, or maybe some sort of regret even. They're closer now, I can hear Bellamy's words clearly, but there's also someone else coming from the other direction.

''They're coming!'' Octavia alarms as though reading my mind, but I'm already on it.

''Leave that to me.''

I take the western hallway, quickly, so I can make it in time to go around and intercept whoever the guards on duty are. And even as I'm rushing, I know I have absolutely no idea what to do or say.

But it doesn't matter, because there they are - three guards and Jonas one of them, walking at a swifter pace than normal and with rifle guns in their hands. Do they know? Are they alarmed and dispatched trying to hunt the fugitives down? Then there should be guards in every hallway. That possibility makes panic crawl up my throat, but it doesn't come out. What I do next comes completely without thought, and I don't even have time to be surprised by myself.

''Jonas! Why is no one in the prison ward?!'' I sound pissed off even to my own ears.

''There is a disturbance in the-,'' he urges me from a distance yet, almost intent on walking past me, all of them, but I've almost convinced my own self, so I'm not backing down. I _can't_ back down.

''The disturbance is in the prison ward! The prisoners are about to tear the place down and there's no one there to keep the situation in check! Am I supposed to do it alone?!''

''Pike said-''

''I don't care what Pike said, he couldn't foresee this! You go where you're needed,'' I all but shout at them as I stride toward them, grabbing a hold of a guard's gun. His face is alarmed at first, but then in a split-second he's completely ready to knock me the hell out, ''At least give me a gun if you won't come with me,'' I growl and walk on, and when the guard whose gun I snatched moves to confront me, Jonas stops him, grabbing his arm. He nudges his head in the opposite direction.

''Go,'' he tells him, ''We'll handle this.''

So the young guard whose name I don't know throws a death glare my way before he pulls out a handgun and keeps on in the intended direction toward Clarke and Octavia, and all I can do now is hope she's grabbed Clarke by now and they're on their way out. One man to overpower is better than three, and I don't think I could have done better.

But now I'm the one in trouble as Jonas, I, and the man I find is named Watson keep rushing toward the prison ward. When we get there, I'll have a lot of explaining to do, and right now I've got nothing. I can't help thinking about this as the sound of our feet thumping is literally about to give me a panic attack, yet nothing even resembling a plan is coming to me. What the fuck was I thinking? Right, I wasn't. I should have actually thought this through. Except that I didn't really have the time. I can't fuck this up. It's going to look too damn suspicious, and I can't afford to lose Pike's trust. What the fuck do I do?

Here we are.

Everything happens so fast. Jonas takes point, gun ready, slamming the door the moment he puts in the code, and Watson and I mimic and follow and once we're inside and Jonas shouts for the prisoners to stay down, some of them literally jump in place because of this intrusion, alarmed. I catch a confused look from Lincoln, but I don't have time to think about that, because now is the moment and I have no idea what to say next or do, until I see Nathan. 

Nathan is the guard on shift.

One of these days, my luck will exhaust itself, but right now I just need it to last through this day.

''Did _you_ take care of this?!'' I demand, but Nathan looks as confused as ever for that one moment almost too long. I try to maintain my pissed off act, my gun still ready, and before Nathan can ruin this and this whole thing backfires completely, I try to somehow communicate everything with my eyes. Time almost stretches with slow motion, and though I even manage to squeeze in a small urging nod there, I feel like this is already lasting an hour and we're ruined.

But Nathan catches on to it.

''Uh, yeah!'' he nods with a frown, ''Yeah, we're good.''

''What was the commotion about?'' Watson demands, looking a bit too much like this whole thing is somewhat suspicious to him. Jonas just watches one face after the other, gun ready still.

''Uh,'' Nathan clears his throat, and I could swear there's a sheen of sweat covering his face, ''That Grounder bitch wanted drugs. Then all of them started banging against the bars,'' he says, and it sounds convincing now, ''She's too weak to ask for anything now,'' he nudges his head toward Danae, and sure enough the woman is asleep now, conveniently so. I catch Lincoln's eyes again, going from me to Nathan, and the confusion on his face seems to almost evaporate slowly. Everyone else is still alarmed, but thankfully no one's saying anything. One word and I'd be ruined. Is it that they trust Nathan?

''Who started it?'' asks Jonas.

''I did,'' Lincoln steps up immediately, hands on bars so he can be face to face, staring him down and not backing down. I'm so thankful for him right now, and I can physically feel relief surging through me because I think this little act just bought them. And it is only now that I realize just how strung up I've been as my body starts relaxing. 

''God damn it!'' Watson almost spits, before he turns to me, ''You! Stay here with the boy. Keep them in check. Come on!''

And then he and Jonas rush out, and before they leave Jonas gives me a lingering look that tells me he's not exactly buying all of my crap. But I'm not afraid. He wouldn't be just following Watson right now if he exactly knew what I was playing. When the door closes, I literally have to crouch down for a moment and put the gun on the floor because it's suddenly too damn heavy.

''Jesus,'' I can barely mutter before Nathan's demanding explanations.

''What the hell was that all about?!?!''

''Improvisation,'' I reply as I stand back up, trying to breathe properly again, the adrenaline leaving my system making my limbs feel like jello, ''Thanks, by the way.''

''Pike's gonna hear about this-''

''As long as we have our stories straight, we're good,'' I insist. Nathan only nods, and doesn't push further. It'd be dangerous to talk details even here. Maybe especially here.

Then I remember Lincoln.

His hands are still on the bars, and he looks the way I must look right now - wanting to say something but not sure what. So I step up and grab those bars too, come close enough so the others don't hear.

''I'm sorry,'' it comes out almost as a whisper now that we're so close. Suddenly I can't bring my voice back out properly. The reality of the situation is hitting me as we speak. This is Lincoln. _Lincoln_ , behind bars, as we're just about to slaughter more of his people. The people he grew up with. The people he fought next to. The people he shared everything with.

But I have to protect my own.

 _''He is your people,''_ a voice in the back of my mind sounds, _''He is your people, you dumbass; and you have to protect him with the rest.''_

''It's not your fault,'' Lincoln says.

''But it is. As much as it was Pike's. You're here because I did nothing. I should have influenced him, should have tried harder-''

''No,'' he stops me firmly, ''His mind is set. Not even you could have changed it.''

''This isn't him, Lincoln,'' I insist, ''Trust me, I know that man and what this whole thing has done to him, this isn't him-''

''It is now. It is our choices that define us,'' Lincoln stops me with what I don't really want to hear, then takes a moment before posing the next question: ''Have you made yours?''

A choice? Have I ever had one?

''I've never had a choice,'' I reply, ''I have to protect my people.''

His face changes slightly, like something just dropped inside of him. His chin lifts up, but his eyes don't leave me. He expects me to finalize this, in this very moment. He waits for me to choose between fighting beside Pike or fighting against him. But that choice has already been made. I just wish it was that simple.

''Listen, you're just gonna have to trust me,'' I say, ''I have to stay with Pike for now. I have to make this right.''

''I hope you know what you're doing-''

''I do,'' I insist, ''I told you - I'm protecting _my_ people. That's Octavia, that's Jasper, that's Nathan, Clarke, Raven. That's Monty and Bellamy,'' Lincoln almost winces when I say their names, but I will not let them make another terrible mistake again, ''That's _you_ , Lincoln. Those who've been with me ever since we first came down. You think I'm going to choose some random Arkadian whose name I don't even know over you?''

''Then what are you doing with Pike?!'' he all but hisses when he leans in even closer into my face, demanding from me.

''Just trust me,'' I say again, stepping away. It may be unfair to ask of him, but it's all I can do. I've been clueless for days now, but I'm done being clueless. Now I know what to do.

I need to report to Pike about what happened here before someone else does.


	23. Chapter 23

My intended mission was simple - to try and fix things from deep within - but it's not proving to be simple at all. Every day that passes Pike seems to be more convinced that his continuous actions are the right thing to be done, and every day Bellamy falls deeper under his influence, and my actions do next to nothing. The worst thing about it all, and what makes Pike so easy to be followed, is that he's right on way too many accounts. He just uses those truths to manipulate both himself and his people down the wrong path. I can see it so clearly now that I'm not sure whose eyes have been in my head up until this moment. With Clarke and Octavia's knowledge, and being this close to Pike, it would be hard not to see it so clearly. The goal is to make Pike and his men see it too.

But what am I supposed to do exactly, if my words fall on deaf ears, if my actions are futile? My every act of subtle defiance is well noted by Pike, but I know it's his affection for me that lets it slide every time. Right now, I think I've said a word too many, questioned him one too many times, because I feel like he's keeping a particularly close eye on me these days. There's no way I could go see Kane now, and I'm already losing precious time seeing as men have already been sent out to retrieve soil and water samples. Something big is coming, and way too soon. And I can do nothing.

At least I'm a pretty good actress, seems like. No one suspects a damn thing, but it's Bellamy's complete trust that proves it. He knows me. He would be the first to notice I'm planning or doing something. 

But he hasn't. He's so deep in his grief and anger he gives himself entire to Pike's cause. Every day, since the moment he wakes up until the moment he goes to sleep, he is Pike's man. His orders are all he's here for.

But there's a window. Somewhere in between shedding his armored jacket at night and closing his eyes to try and drift away, he's just Bellamy again. In that one long moment, I see him clearly. I know because I've known him and miss him so much and feel the need to grab onto that glimpse of him every time it appears. But it slips away way too swiftly, and I find myself grasping for air.

I stay with him sometimes, after our joint shift, and we end up dropping exhausted and into sleep together, but I don't do it just for wanting to be close to him, and that's the truth. I do it because it breaks my heart to see him so utterly _alone_. Because he _is_ alone right now. Whatever illusion Pike's given him is just that - an illusion. I don't want to let him go through this by himself, I don't want to let Pike make everything worse for him. And it's in those moments in the night - those windows - that I'm reminded why I'm still next to Pike and what my mission really is.

I can't help Bellamy by running. I can only help him by staying by his side.

''Hellooo,'' Raven's voice tears me away from my thoughts, ''Earth to Tasha?''

''Uh, sorry,'' I shake my head a bit, ''Didn't have much sleep last night. And got waaay too many things on my to-do list right now.''

Raven looks good. _Too_ good. I can't say that, of course. Whatever Jaha gave her really did take all her pain away. Her body just doesn't hurt, and she's emotionally healed as well. And that's what's so bloody strange. How can anyone heal in any way so quickly? What the hell is he giving these people and what has it got to do with this fictional City of Light? I don't understand one bit, and maybe if I didn't have so much on my plate already, I could spare it another thought. Jasper says it's weird, and Abby spends hours trying to figure out what that thing actually does, but right now it seems harmless to me. If it can make things easier for those suffering, then why not? Why does there always have to be a catch?

Except that I know the answer to that question. Everything has always had a catch since we landed here and we know nothing else than to be cautious.

''You need to sleep,'' Raven says, still working on the computer, ''And you need to heal.''

''I can't. I'm a fighter.''

That makes her turn around and look at me, but what I'm thrown back by is the absolute heartbreak in her eyes. It takes me a moment to realize that she... pities me.

''You need to heal,'' she repeats, ''And you can't do that until you put down your weapons, T.''

''Put down my weapons? Who will take them up, Raven?'' I ask incredulously, trying not to laugh bitterly, ''Someone has to fight so someone else can sleep in peace.''

''No one has to fight,'' she says, like she has all the answers, ''Not in the City of Light-''

''Oh, here we go. Raven-''

''It's real, Tasha,'' she stands up and approaches me with passion glistening in her eyes, and the amount of it is suddenly so scary I want the pity back, ''It's real and I wish you could see it. You deserve to see it.''

''Listen, Raven,'' I keep my tone level, ''The way this thing has helped you, I'm grateful for it. Truly, I am. And I'm happy for you. But you need to listen to yourself-''

'' _You_ need to listen to yourself,'' she argues, but without a trace of anger, eternally serene, ''And to take a good look at yourself. For how long do you think you can still fight? How long until it finally breaks you for good? Will you ever stop?''

''I'll stop when we're safe. Safe in a world I can touch,'' I add quickly, ''Because if it can't exhaust my body, it's not real.''

Raven only takes a small step back, and gives me a small smile of pity and a gentle shake of her head, as though to say that the way I'm being stubborn and silly right now is breaking her heart but I'll turn around eventually. I honestly don't care in this moment; I'm just glad she's not pressing any further. Why did I even come here? I came here to kill time and thoughts and to keep her company. I come here to be there for my friend, but she doesn't seem to need me anymore, or anyone else for that matter. She doesn't seem to quite be _herself_. Maybe whatever this thing is, I don't like it either. Some of it is too good to be true and some of it just plain creepy. I don't recognize the person sitting before me, now working at the computers again. It's unsettling, and I can't fight that feeling no matter how much I want to.

I know Jasper's tempted to take it, whatever this thing is. His hurts go just as deep. I'm grateful he's using his head, for now, at least until we can try and figure out what exactly it is and what it does.

I can't be worried about any of this, either way. Not when I know there's a meeting this afternoon, and I'm so bloody jittery I could jump out of my own skin. The fact that Pike's rounding us up means he's revealing the next step of the plan. Whatever it is will be important, and the fact that I'm always late and one step behind won't let me be at peace. How do I go to Kane without rousing suspicion? With Abby it's easier, but even so I can only check my ''sore throat'' so many times. She's my only informant on what the opposition's currently doing, and she hasn't given me much beside the fact that Nathan's in on it. That gave me some calm and relief, knowing I can trust someone, and it's my best friend, no less. But even so, he's not in Pike's inner circle, and I can't begin to guess what he and Kane are doing right now. I should go see Abby, but I don't know if it's smart. Maybe after the meeting, when I actually have something to share. Hopefully.

The door opens so suddenly, I literally jump with a start.

It's Bellamy.

''It's time,'' he says.

''Already?''

He nods, and gives barely a hint of a smile to Raven. Raven smiles back, as she always does these days. God damn it, that shouldn't be a freaking problem. But right now I'm thinking it's a problem for another day.

''Let's go.''

 _Why did I jump like that? It's not like he can read my mind_ , I think as we walk down the hallways.

''You okay?'' Bell asks, genuine concern creasing his features.

''Yeah, just tired,'' I give a small smile in response. He nods, before he snakes an arm around me to rub my forearm comfortingly for just a moment. It soothes me so much I just want to melt into him the way I used to, and we could be weak for just a short while and whine about war like the kids we were always supposed to be and steal away some time to not be anyone's fighters. But we can't do that.

I want to tell him something, but I'm not sure what. There's so much lying on my heart I wouldn't know where to begin. By the time we reach Pike's office, I realize I don't have that kind of time either way.

At the planning table, I take my place next to Monroe. This is the first time I see her in one of these meetings, which means it's only now that Pike's recruited her as an insider. Bryan smiles at me from across the table and I smile back, before Monty walks in, unusually late. We all take our places, and I suddenly realize, like the zap of a lightning, that I need to save them all. I don't know how, but I need to.

''Okay, let's get this meeting started. Welcome, farm station's own Monty Green,'' Pike smiles, ''And factory girl Zoe Monroe - as we begin our next crucial phase: expansion and salvation, and this will lead the way.''

Pike holds up what I presume is soil samples, for everyone to see.

''Dirt?'' Zoe asks, and the absurdity of the moment almost makes me laugh.

''Soil,'' Pike corrects her, ''Fertile, arable soil. Vastly more rich than anything we've found since landing. We'll clear the trees and plant within the month.''

''We start with soybeans and corn,'' Hannah adds, ''They grow the fastest.''

''What's wrong, Monty? Don't like corn?'' Bryan asks him jokingly and it's only now that I realize he's walked away from the table and the samples and glued his eyes to a map instead.

''I've never had corn, actually,'' replies Monty before pointing to what he's been looking for on the map, ''Is this where we're going?''

''That's right,'' nods Pike, and I almost involuntarily take my place next to Monty, my feet carrying me on their own, my eyes glued to that one spot on the map. That can't be right. We discussed this before, and it seemed even Pike wasn't ecstatic about clearing a village and wouldn't do it if there's another way.

But now we have proof of great soil.

''There's a village here,'' Monty says what I can't, ''What about the people who live here?''

''Sector four. We talked about this. The people there are not a threat,'' Bellamy argues, and I'm almost surprised that he's backing Monty up. It gives me this strange surge of hope, and a surge of dangerous courage too.

''We need that land,'' replies Pike, ''With the loss of Mt. Weather's resources, Arkadia will be starving in less than a year.''

''With all due respect sir, you still haven't answered Monty's question,'' pushes Bell.

''You know the answer,'' answers Pike, ''Every field must be cleared of stones before it's tilled.''

''Stones?!'' I completely, stupidly, forget myself, ''Did you just compare people to stones?! These are human lives!''

I didn't even raise my voice, but all eyes are on me, and Bellamy and Monty are the only ones not judging. Monroe too, but she looks down quicker than I can catch it. I refuse to back down as I stare right back at Pike, my mind going into overdrive thinking up ways to get out of this situation. What I see in Pike's eyes is simple - fear that he's made the wrong choice about me, and that we both might suffer for it. I need to get out of this, fix it before it's too late.

''She's right, sir,'' Bellamy says, which makes me look infinitely less bad, and I'm so grateful that I could kiss him right now, ''They're just farmers.''

''Yes, though we were spotted by a child so they'll be expecting us,'' Hannah says, ''They lost their fighters when we took out the army so we don't expect resistance.''

''They're Grounders,'' Monty explains a simple truth, ''They'll resist.''

''Even if they don't, the Commander's message was clear,'' Bell argues, ''Blood must not have blood, that doesn't mean we can start taking-''

''What would you prefer, die fighting for your home or starve to death?'' Pike asks, and this is what he always does and how he always guilt trips and manipulates for his mission, ''Will you do what needs to be done for your people to survive or what?''

''We'll do what needs to be done,'' Bell says, and he's not wrong. It's all we can ever do.

''Lexa forgave, replied with peace instead of retaliation, and you would still choose the path of war instead of the path of diplomacy,'' I say calmly, but on the inside I'm shaking like a boiling volcano.

''We've been through this before,'' Pike tells me, ''And I will not repeat myself again. We all know where diplomacy with the Grounders has led us. We will not make that mistake again. Now, no one is forcing you to be here. A soldier's work is ugly, and it's not for everyone. You can lay down your weapons and walk away from all of this any time you want. This is your choice, a choice you've made.''

I want to say ''I've fought for my people longer than you'', but I'm smarter than the childishness of it.

''You're right, sir,'' I say instead, ''And I don't need to be reminded of that. I'm here because I want to protect my own. It's just that sometimes I worry whether we're going the right way about it is all.''

''You leave the worrying to me,'' he says, but his face is gentler this time, ''As your leader, I take full responsibility. The well-being of all of you is my main concern.''

_If only it were that easy. If only you could take all of our responsibilities upon yourself. But the blood we've spilled and will spill under your command is on our hands, not yours._

''Like I said, sir, they will be expecting us,'' Hannah reminds us all, ''If we're going to do this we need to do it as soon as possible.''

''We can't go to war tonight, we haven't prepared-,'' I start.

''We're better trained and better equipped, and we have enough time to prepare for our strike after midnight,'' Pike reasons.

''I wouldn't underestimate them thinking they will be asleep, sir-''

''I'm not,'' Pike tells me, ''Either way it's our best chance. Meeting adjourned. I want you prepared and ready for battle in three hours. You're dismissed.''

_Lexa won't forgive another bloodshed. I know what I must do._

_I must sabotage my own team._


	24. Chapter 24

My mind is buzzing. There's so much to think about yet so little to articulate as we're equipping the rover for war. I can't sort through the mess of my brain. I'm almost moving things around mindlessly, like this whole thing is something like an out-of-body experience. I'm not fully present in the moment, like it's not me that's about to roll up into a Grounder village with a rifle in hand. Monroe doesn't look any different. If anyone's having second thoughts, it's her, but I don't know what to say to her. I can't blow my own cover. Is there anything to say, even? Words of encouragement? I'd be ashamed of myself to spew that kind of bullshit.

''That's a lot of firepower,'' I hear Kane say, and in the corner of my vision I can see him approach Bell.

''Let's hope we don't need it,'' Bellamy replies.

''What's the mission?''

''Planning for our future.''

''You know, that looks a lot like our past,'' argues Kane.

''We are building a life here, not trying to make peace with people who only understand war.''

''Damn right,'' Hannah chimes in, and I bite my tongue. _Stay undercover._ When Bellamy walks away, it's Hannah Kane approaches.

''Hannah, you just got your son back. Don't send him out there to die.''

''No one's dying today,'' she replies, walking away with a smile sent down Monty's way. I'm not one to judge, but my mother would have never put a gun in my hand and sent me out there with a smile. Thinking of my mom is strange now, out of place here, and the thought is gone before it came.

''Now let's move out,'' Bell commands, and with a nervous twist in the pit of my stomach, I load up the last of our gear and get inside. _It's starting, can you feel it?_

''Today, Bryan,'' I can hear Bellamy complain, so I look outside to see him say his goodbyes to Nathan. When they part, Nathan's eyes meet mine the way they never before did. There's so much more in that one look than any words could ever communicate. And I understand everything. _I'm ready. I'm off to meet Octavia. You stay safe. Both of you. Keep an eye on him. Come back home. Don't die. Don't blow your cover. I love you both. I hate your ass for doing this._

Then Bellamy shuts the door, and the sound of it is so ominous I almost jump. I can't afford to be jumpy, or nervous. So I move to the front. ''I'm driving,'' I say. It's not a request, and no one's objecting. It's the only way to keep my nerves in check, and I don't think anyone else would find the effects of driving into battle calming.

The ride lasts ages and a moment all at once. The silence in the rover is almost suffocating us all, and I dare not look at the face of anyone for fear of what I'll see. I wish Bellamy didn't sit next to me. He's too close, and if I have to do something he wouldn't like, it will be easier for him to stop me. I need to put some distance between us when we touch ground, keep him in front of me instead of behind or next to me, at least.

Yet what will we find? Did Octavia manage to convince the Grounders to evacuate? Or did it all go south? Is she okay? Where is she now? Is Nathan close by? Because I feel like I'm going to need him before the day is done. Did Kane really think this through?

No use re-considering anything now. We're here.

And the village is empty.

''No way,'' I say to myself, thinking out loud, because a big part of me subconsciously never believed Octavia would make it.

''I don't hear anything,'' Monroe says, her voice shaking nervously, ''Maybe no one's home.''

Yet we still hold formation, and the same nervousness is still gnawing at me.

''Maybe,'' I say, making my voice sound as firm as I can because I need to inspire confidence in others right now, ''Maybe we should turn back and go home.''

But Bellamy doesn't hear me.

''Hello?!'' he calls instead, ''Anyone here?!''

''Maybe they saw our lights and left,'' Hannah says, and for the first time in my life I want everyone to listen to her.

''Which is why we should just go home,'' I add, because I have a bad feeling and I don't think the Grounders are gone. I just want Bell to turn us back before it comes to a fight.

But Bellamy still doesn't hear me. Instead he motions us forward and we start to move into the village. I can't help but follow, but I keep the rear.

The place looks deserted. Quiet, calm, dark and empty. You can tell there were people here recently, but there's not even an ember left where the fires used to be. Like the people have been gone for hours and hours now. And it's starting to rain, and it's hard enough to focus in this dark as it is, and I'm growing even more nervous with every second that passes. This doesn't look good. It doesn't feel right. I want to go home.

''I don't like this,'' I say. It would be too easy, too fortunate. Nothing we're used to. I wish I could at least hear a bird chirp, an owl hoot. It's dead silent, except for the rain now splattering the mud. My braids are keeping the hair out of my face, but the rain in my eyes is still a bother, and that's an understatement. It could mean life or death, the rain in my eyes.

_Come on, just a sound. Anything._

And then I get what I've asked for.

A horse whinnies somewhere in the distance, but the way this village is placed and secluded, sound travels in such an odd way that I have no idea where it came from. ''Contact, two o'clock,'' Bell alerts us, but I have no idea how he's determined that as my head whips left and right like mad trying to understand what the hell is going on. So we run toward the supposed sound, following Bell, and Zoe is so nervous it's like her feet are way too heavy to keep up, so she falls in behind me, taking over the rear.

But we haven't run toward an enemy. And I can hear her before I can see her.

 _''Bellamy, get them out of there!''_ Octavia shouts at the top of her lungs, having reached the eastern ridge, _''It's a trap!!!''_

And it's like I knew all along, but it doesn't matter. It happens all at once. A shower of fiery arrows is sent down upon us and I soon see nothing else but flames and smoke and I can hear Bellamy scream to fall back and I can hear the sound of bullets flying aimlessly, and I'm not even sure if I'm shooting. For a moment I'm pretty sure we're done for, this is where our stories end, this is how dumb we are and how useless our deaths will be. This is it. Because we can't see a damn thing, and we're down here and the Grounders are up there and the arrows just keep coming and the flames spreading and the smoke growing thicker. Coughing is making trying to run more difficult as I'm struggling to make my way out, but when it starts burning my skin it's a call back to reality.

 _''The smoke is poison!!!''_ I can hear Octavia shout, and yet again the sound travels so odd I have no idea where she is now. I am so disoriented amidst all of this, for a moment I lose everyone. Disorientation means death, and I was supposed to save everyone, not kill myself too in the process. When my eyes catch Bryan, he grabs my forearm and pulls me with him, and I don't even realize I was growing weak and falling behind until he pulls me up straight. Now I feel the sting of my burns, but it's not quite pain yet. It's like a tingle down my left arm as we run to link up with everyone outside the smoke. Bellamy is still shouting to stay away from the smoke and get back to the rover, but it will take me a while to figure out where the hell the rover even is.

''We're in the clear,'' Bryan says once we're out, his hand still on my forearm, breathing heavily, and I look around to find us somewhat shrouded by the growth around us and I try to quickly count up everyone, yet my mind won't work right, I'll surely be forgetting people.

''We good?'' someone asks, but I don't know.

''Everyone look for the person that was next to you,'' someone else says, and I suddenly remember that person was Monroe. And I look around, but she's not there. And I don't even have time to panic before I can hear her screams for help.

Monty is faster than me. They try to stop him but he manages to run back into the smoke, whereas Bryan held onto me quickly and firmly enough for Bellamy to grab my other arm. I struggle, recklessly, but I don't have the strength to wrench myself free. I'm probably cursing them both, but I don't hear myself. All of my focus is on the flames and the two people I'm expecting to walk out of them. I can hear Bellamy shout to stand down and fall back, I can hear Hannah cry, but I see nothing but the flames.

I can't lose them too. I won't ever forgive myself.

It's like a scene from one of those shitty hundred year old action movies, them coming back. It's just shadows at first, silhouettes of a person basically dragging another. I don't even believe it's them until they step out into the light and Bellamy lets me go so he can run to them and help Monty get Zoe away from the smoke. It's only now that I realize my cheeks are completely wet, yet the rain's stopped long ago. What have I been doing this whole time? What kind of fool was Kane to think I could do anything?

''She needs clear air,'' someone says, so Hannah and I rush after Bell and Monty to help and Bryan keeps the rear to keep us protected and I'm hardly aware of where we're even going until we find a spot to lay Monroe down. We're far enough and the air is clear, so why is she still gasping for breath?

''Monroe,'' I call hopelessly, but she looks like she's dying, ''Zoe!!!''

''How the hell did they know?'' Bryan asks, like anyone cares right now.

''Give her space,'' I order, so when no one moves, I scream, ''Give her space, now!!!''

Bell and Monty both look at me with fear and pity, but they oblige. I fumble for my water bottle, trying to splash some on her face and spill some down her throat unsure if it will get her to breathe or make her choke on it even worse. When that doesn't work, I grab her face and put my mouth against hers, trying to literally breathe the life that's trying to leave her back into her.

''It's not working,'' someone says, I'm not sure who, yet I'm not stopping.

''T.''

''Tasha, she can't breathe.''

''Tasha.''

But I know that. She's struggling against me, and I won't have that. _Stop calling me. Stop calling me. Stop calling me._

Bryan pulls me back by force. ''Tasha-''

''Maybe if we punctured her throat,'' I suggest, hectic, ''Make way for air-''

''We can't risk that,'' Monty shakes his head nervously.

''Risk what?! She's already dying!'' I scream at him, but it's not his fault. He went back for her.

''We need to get her to Abby-,'' someone says.

''We don't have the time-,'' someone else argues.

''Well, we have to do something!'' I still shout, ''Clarke would know what to do-''

''Well, Clarke's not here!!!!!!'' Bellamy shouts, and then it all goes quiet. The type of quiet only death can bring.

''Monroe?'' Bellamy's voice sounds small and weak when his eyes fall from me to her. I follow his gaze. I see my friend Zoe lying on the ground, completely still. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know she's lifeless, but it's not coming to the front yet. She just looks peaceful and asleep.

''Monroe,'' Bell calls, his voice quivering, and I hear Monty cry a desperate ''No.'' Yet it won't sink in.

''She was right behind me,'' I say, ''How did she- She was right there behind me-''

''Your sister did this!'' I can hear Hannah hiss at Bellamy, but all I can do is stare at Monroe. My eyes won't leave her face, and the more I look the more I could swear I can see her nostrils widen as though she breathes.

''She was right behind me,'' I say, but no one wants to listen to me.

''How the hell did she know?!'' Bryan demands, but I barely know what he's talking about.

''We have traitors in our camp,'' Hannah says, and that's where I snap out of it.

''Shut up,'' I demand, ''Just SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!''

Hannah's eyes widen and she's taken aback - if I didn't know better I'd say she looks almost afraid.

''You all wanted to come here!!!'' I stand up, announcing to everyone, arms flailing in the air above my head, reminding my own self of Pike when he gets up to hold a speech, ''YOU wanted to go clear that damn village! YOU!'' I point to Hannah, ''You sent your own child into a very probable death, so why am I not surprised you failed to protect someone else's?!??!? You wanna talk about traitors!!!??!? YOU betrayed HER!!!! LOOK AT HER!!!!!''

My voice cracks and I realize I don't remember ever screaming so loudly in my entire life. Hannah is still wide-eyed, everyone is frozen, Monty is crying, and Bell is trying to stop me.

''Tasha-,'' he says, placing a hand on my arm gently, but I tear away.

''No!!!'' I shout at him, ''You will hear me this time!!! You will ALL hear me!!!!''

No one's moving. No one's saying anything. Bellamy watches me with so much pain in his eyes, he might crack and burst into hundreds of pieces like a glass mirror. But I'm _so_ angry, and I've chosen to direct my anger at Hannah and not even God himself could change or fix that.

''LOOK AT HER!!!!!!!'' I shout again, pointing to the lifeless body of my friend, but Hannah's eyes fall to the ground and the next thing I know Bellamy's hand is on my arm and he commands we need to be leaving and I don't fight it because if I do I'm afraid I'll physically attack the woman. For Monty's sake, I don't want that.

It is only when I wake up in Arkadia that I realize I'd fainted in the rover. I'm in a bed in medbay, and when I wake up, my vision is blurry before it clears to reveal Bellamy sitting beside me. His head is down and placed upon his clasped fists, yet he almost jumps up when he senses me move, his head whipping up.

''Hey,'' I say, my voice groggy.

''You okay?!'' he asks in worry, hectic, ''How you feeling?!''

''I'm fine, Bell,'' I groan as I make myself more comfortable, and I almost ask him ''Why wouldn't I be?'' before I start remembering everything that happened and start being aware of the bandages on my burns.

''My arm,'' I frown as I try to take a look, but the burns are concealed.

''Don't touch,'' he removes my hand, ''Jackson says it'll heal in a few days, but it's gonna leave a scar.''

''Who gives a crap. It's not like I'm not scarred beyond repair already.''

He scowls at that, adopts a pained look. Like it's his fault.

''Stop that.''

''What?''

''That,'' I say, ''Feeling sorry for yourself. The guilt-tripping. Just stop it. It's getting old.''

''I can't keep letting everyone down. I'm supposed to protect y-''

''And what was I supposed to do? Huh?! She was right behind me!''

And then it hits me. The reality of it. Zoe Monroe is dead. Another friend gone. And I'm growing numb, as hard as stone.

''It's not your fault-''

''Is it?'' I demand, ''Is it not, Bell? Is it not the fault of all of us? 'Cause it's what happens when you go to war. She's one of many that will die. It's not a possibility, Bell. It's a certainty. Because that's what war brings. Only death. The next one might be Bryan, or Harper, or me-''

''Stop it,'' he almost growls, ''Don't talk.''

''Why, Bell?! Because the truth hurts?! Because you don't want to hear it?!"

''Yes! Exactly because I don't want to hear it! I don't wanna hear you utter another word like that, got it?!''

''Then wake up and smell the-''

''You don't understand!'' he interrupts me, placing a hand on mine, his eyes piercing me with what he's trying to make me comprehend, ''Nothing else is going to happen to you. I'm not gonna let anything harm even a hair on your head ever again, you hear me?''

''You can't choose war and say that in the same breath-''

''Yes, I can. Because if anything happened to you? To _you_? That I couldn't take.''


	25. Chapter 25

We never had time to grieve Lacroix and Monroe. It didn't take long for Lexa to hear about what happened, and now we're under a blockade we can't move under. Is this Clarke's doing? I find it hard to believe Lexa can be this merciful. I can think of a time when we would have been obliterated by now. But what is this even, a siege? Is this mercy or is she just planning to starve us out? Is Clarke even okay? It's no use thinking about any of that. We're yet to hear anything official. All we know is that we're surrounded and cut off.

''You okay?''

Bell's voice wakes me up from my thoughts. I have to squint to look up and meet his face - the sun is shining too bright for the chill of the day.

''Hm? Yeah. Just thinking.''

''About what?''

''Everything. The blockade. Lexa.''

''Don't worry. We'll figure it out. She won't bully us into anything else. I won't let her.''

''Bully? Bell, this is... weird. Mercy, almost.''

He looks at me almost baffled. Like somewhere deep down he knows this but refuses to believe it, and it's absolutely outrageous that I don't refuse to believe it as well.

''Well, it is what it is,'' I continue vaguely, ''Things are moving forward, one way or the other.''

''How's your arm?''

''Scarred over. It's not too ugly, either; see?'' 

I show him my forearm. The burns were never too vast, and either way I've learned to look at scars as proof of strength and courage, nothing to be ashamed of. He, instead, scowls at the sight as he gently takes my arm so he can take a better look. I half-expect him to apologize, that's how he looks right now. But he doesn't have to apologize for me to know he feels guilty. Zoe's death has only plunged him further down, made him even more of a toy soldier for Pike to play with. I know this, yet I can do nothing about it. Not yet at least.

''Maybe you should rest some more.''

''Rest? Under a blockade?''

''You looked half-asleep just now,'' Bell says, the threat of a smile edging his mouth, ''Gun safety on?''

''Always,'' I grin and click the gun, which manages to get a smile out of him. It lasts less than a moment, but it lifts my spirits to the high heavens.

''Bellamy!'' Pike calls and breaks up the magic, and Bell's head immediately whips up. I almost move to follow after him, but I remember I'm at this post for a reason. I think Pike's keeping me at a safe distance until he's sure again that he can trust me.

I watch them walk over to the watch-tower. Bellamy walks with pride and strength, but I know it's all fake and wrong. He's empty and inflated, and one thing could poke him and he'd burst and no longer walk tall but hunched over like the wounded lion that he is. And maybe that would be better. It would certainly be healthier than this.

But what's going on? Why are they up there again? Has anything changed? Do we have any news? Has Recon Team B been located? Why am I suddenly not in on anything?

I know the answer to that question. Damn it. 

_Jesus Christ and all the gods. I have to focus._

It's exactly when I start thinking about no longer being cut out for guard work that I notice a couple of Grounders breaking the tree-line. I resist the urge to rub my eyes to make sure I'm not imagining things, because what the hell?

''Holy shit,'' I lower the scope. What the hell do they want? I still think my eyes are deceiving me under this sun until the Grounders have come closer and I'm sure there's only two, both on horseback. I could swear one of them even looks familiar, but that's impossible. They're wearing heavy gear, how could I ever recognize anyone in all of that? And what the hell is going on? It's a message, it has to be. If it was a threat, they'd send a unit.

''Zone 1 to Outpost 3,'' I call through the radio, ''Outpost 3-''

''Speak,'' I hear Hannah's curt voice. She clearly doesn't like me very much.

''Grounders approaching, twelve o'clock. Two targets, on horseback. I believe they carry a message.''

''We know,'' I hear Bellamy's softer voice take over, ''We're coming down.''

''Permission to open the gate?''

''Negative,'' Pike replies instead, ''Fingers on trigger and eye through the scope. Position at the gate. Over.''

''Yes, sir,'' I say, but I wanna curse. If they're going to negotiate, no one needs to be pointing guns at the vastly outnumbered party, especially me of all people. They should let me talk instead. 

But I have to obey, now more than ever. So I move my position up and wait. The rest of the Guard stands alert too. Bell, Hannah and Pike move up once the gate opens, and the two Grounders standing before us now look so big and menacing in the noon sun it's like they cast shadows that can cover us all. There's only two of them, on our territory, and yet they still look scary enough. That fact alone tells you a lot about their people.

''Talk,'' Bellamy only says.

''We seek the one you call Pike,'' one of the Grounders replies.

''Why?''

''An army has fallen, blood soaking the earth where he took their lives one by one.''

''Welcome to the war against Skaikru,'' Bell bites back.

''Life was taken. We demand life in return.''

''My life?'' Pike finally speaks up.

''What are your terms, sir?'' Bellamy asks.

''Come with us, and we walk away.''

''Walk away, from what?'' Pike asks.

''By order of the Commander, you have been surrounded by an army of the twelve clans,'' the Grounder explains, ''In every direction, warriors wait to kill anyone who attempts to cross the blockade, to greet them as we greeted those we caught outside your walls today.''

''Recon Team B,'' a whisper escapes me. But I don't have to say it. The Grounder throws a pile of our guard uniform onto the ground, and I know what it is before I even see it.

''... We left the bodies for the animals.''

''That's enough,'' Bellamy and I say at the same time, but he is calm, collected. I am surprised by my own outburst.

''Let's go,'' Pike says, but there's no walking away from this. And Bellamy voices my exact thoughts:

''They won't leave. I have seen this before.''

''The men who wore those uniforms took a long time to die,'' the Grounder says, and he's really not making this easier now. Is this a part of Lexa's message? Because my fingers are feeling too happy on this trigger right now.

''I said that's enough!'' I growl before I can control myself.

''Bellamy, fall back,'' Pike says calmly, then addresses us all, ''That's an order.''

''If you do not give up your leader, you will all take a long time to die!'' the Grounder keeps talking, but Bellamy stands frozen before them, despite Pike calling him. He won't move, as though in a daze. If he wanted to, the Grounder could cut him down in an instant, right this moment.

''Bellamy!''

''Choose the side that's best for your people,'' the Grounder adds.

''I do that every day,'' Bell says, and that's when he breaks and shoots both Grounders in the head.

I didn't expect it. I barely had time to gasp at it. I've been standing here all this while ready to shoot while they _talk_. And this is how it ends.

''What the hell?!?''

The horses, spooked, are carying off the bodies to where they came from. When Lexa sees this, I don't know how long her mercy - or whatever this is - will last. When the gate closes and I can no longer see the dead Grounders, it's like a punch in my stomach that knocks all the air out. Yet Bellamy just walks away.

''What the hell was that?!?'' I run up after him.

''They come here making threats; well, here's one for them.''

''Are you insane?! Stop!'' I grab his arm, but he almost tears away, ''Bell, stop!''

''What?!'' he finally stands in place.

''What did you hope to accomplish with this?!''

''Accomplish? Nothing. We're at war. They kill our people, we kill theirs.''

''Until what - there's no longer any people left?''

''So what do you suggest, we give up one of our own?''

''Of course we can't just give up Pike, we'll figure something ou-''

''The way we did with Finn? Yeah, we figured that one out too. We know how that ended. He died for an alliance that was nothing but a lie! He died for nothing!''

''DON'T REMIND ME!!!!''

Suddenly, he stops. We both do. We've been screaming at each other, and neither of us have realized just how upset we are. Talking about Finn will never not make me upset, but this is different. This is us standing before history trying to repeat itself, and we're both terrified. Absolutely terrified.

''I don't trust them,'' he says.

''I know. I don't quite trust them either. But it's not about that, Bell. It's about avoiding a war we can't win.''

''Avoiding it? We're already at war, there's no going back from this.''

''Maybe there is. Maybe we need to use our brains more than our guns this time around.''

''Yeah, I'll leave you to it,'' he says before he walks away, ''You try and figure it out while I go over the ammo supplies.''

''Bell-''

''We'll see what saves lives, your words or my bullets!''

I don't go after him. I know he needs to be alone, and truthfully, so do I. I can't wait until my shift is over so I can go and try to sleep some of this off.

''Tough day?'' Jasper asks once the time finally comes I free-fall onto my bed. Jessi is asleep on his, and she looks so peaceful I almost envy her. I wish I was a child.

''You kidding?''

''Yeah, dumb question,'' he admits, ''Let's just sleep.''

''Come,'' I call him over, so when we get comfortable on my bed he plays with my hair until all the stress seeps out of me and we doze off.

I dream of that day.

It's so vivid that I'm going through all of it again. The running, the hiding. Raven trying to give them John. Finn being the brave idiot that he always was. The waiting. The fires. Clarke. The blood. Raven's screams. My dad.

I wake up in cold sweat. By some miracle I manage not to wake my two room-mates when I scare myself awake. It takes me a moment to realize it's not truly happening, then another moment that it is, just not with Finn.

As much as he's fucking up, Pike has meant something to me. He still does. He is a good man that's made all the wrong choices, and I was supposed to save him too. I can't let them kill him just like that. I can't just hand him over.

The sun's coming up, I can see it through our small window, but I feel like I haven't gotten any rest. If anything, the dream has tired me even more. 

I wonder what Kane's up to next. I haven't heard from him or Nathan in a while, and it would be too dangerous for me too seek him out now anyway. If all's going according to plan, he's listening in on everything and there's no need for me to relay any messages. By the time I'd reach him the news would no longer be news.

It's a good thing I'm called before my own thoughts start consuming me. I just wonder what Pike wants again this early in the day.

''You called for me, sir.''

''Hope you had some rest,'' Pike says, barely lifting his eyes off his maps and plans, ''I've got a new mission for you.''

''A mission? For me? I must say I'm surprised, sir.''

''Why, because I gave you time and space to cool off? You needed it, soldier.''

''I thought you did that because you no longer trusted me,'' I say, playing a dangerous game, ''Because you were no longer sure about me.''

''I never said that,'' he meets my eyes now, and almost smiles, ''We may have our differences, but I trust your heart even if I don't trust your head sometimes. You'll always fight for your own. I never doubted that.''

''Alright,'' I say, though I don't quite believe him, ''Then what's the mission?''

''The lake,'' he says, ''We have reason to believe it's been poisoned. Since it's our only steady source of water, you can see how that's a problem.''

''Shit..''

''Yeah. I'm sending you with a team of four. I need samples and a definitive report. If any harm comes to a single Arkadian soul because of poisoned water...''

''I understand, sir.''

''Get on it. We'd have to start decontamination immediately, and with the rationing we've already started, there's gonna be plenty of thirsty mouths around here.''

''Why not Monty, sir? He's the expert-''

''Because I need Monty on something else. Go.''

''Yes, sir.''

Checking on the lake takes longer than I expected. Firstly, because we have to be cautious. Most of the lake is within the boundaries of the blockade but there's still no trusting it. I don't want to disappear the way Recon Team B did. Secondly, we have to be careful with the water. If it's poisonous, we have no idea in which ways it can harm us. Which means full equipment and taking our time. By the time we manage to bring the samples back to the lab and wait for the quick results, half the day's gone past.

''Well, I'm glad to be done with that,'' I almost yawn out as I take off my jacket, ''Jason, you bring the official report to Pike. I need a drink.''

 _''All available guards to lock-up,''_ a voice sounds on P.A, _''I repeat - all available guards to lock-up.''_

''What's going on?'' someone asks.

''I don't know,'' I say, but the sound of the alarm blaring through Arkadia has me running out of the lab with all I have in me.

Whatever's happened, I have a feeling Pike's moved me out of the way today on purpose.


	26. Chapter 26

I was too late.

Not that I'm sure I could have helped Kane. And I'm even less sure I would have wanted to. Nobody filled me in on this part of the plan. And what kind of plan is it to just hand someone over for killing? I'm not sure I would have wanted to, despite everything Pike did. There has to be another way.

I'm just standing frozen, watching them take Kane into custody. Mesmerized.

''He almost did it,'' I say to myself, more of a whisper than anything.

''He almost did,'' Pike replies once he approaches me, wiping a little bit of blood off his lip, before commanding the guards handling Kane - ''Take him to the interrogation room.''

The guards are leading a handcuffed Kane past us and inside, yet his eyes linger dangerously on me. I feel suddenly pressured, like he's telling me to do something. But what could I possibly do at this moment? What does he want from me, this man who means to stop a war and not tell me he would sacrifice a man I care about?

Sacrifices were not part of the plan. We were meant to save everyone. ''Everyone'' includes Pike.

''Interrogation room,'' I wake up from my daze quickly as we follow the prisoner, Bellamy now leading them, ''Think he'll talk, sir?''

''No,'' he says, ''But I need to talk to him.''

''About what?''

''His punishment. As a traitor,'' he replies, ''I know he won't give up anyone else.''

Like me, for example.

''Why did you do it, sir?''

''Do what?'' Pike asks me.

''Get me out of the way. Put me on a mission I don't need to be on just so I'm not present for everything that happened today.''

''I did need you on that mission,'' he says, ''As you can see, we handled everything perfectly here without you.''

''Perfectly? Hadn't Bellamy been fast enough, you would be on your way to Polis-''

''But I'm not.''

''You were lucky.''

''Blessed, more like. With people loyal to me.''

''Is that why you did it? You don't think I'm loyal to you.''

''I did it because you are loyal. Since this whole thing started, you were never really put on the spot to choose. If you had to choose between me and Kane, would you be able to?''

No, I think. But I don't say anything.

''Exactly,'' he continues, ''I sprung up a trap for him that turned out to be his trap for me. And here we are. I didn't want to put you on the spot to choose, and I don't want to do it now either - which is exactly why you're staying out of this interrogation.''

''What?!'' I sound like a whiny child even to my own ears, ''Why?!? And Bellamy isn't?!?''

''Bellamy's already made the choice.''

''No- Sir-''

''It's not up for debate, Tasha.''

It certainly isn't, because once they enter the interrogation room, I'm left outside. So I wait. I did catch Kane's eyes one more time before that door closed, and the moment was so ominous it sent a chill down my spine. This is it. This is where it's decided if we go down Kane's road or Pike's, and everything seems to be in Pike's favor. In war's favor.

Where the hell is Nathan? I know Kane won't give up anyone else yet I can't help but worry. I haven't heard from him in what now seems to me like ages, and knowing him he might very well be up to something stupid as we speak. He better stay his hand because I'm powerless. I wouldn't be able to get myself out of trouble right now let alone anyone else. Pike knows what he's doing.

What's taking them so long? I can't sit still but the pacing around is going on even my own damn nerves. The hallway's empty so every step echoes. My thoughts are a jumble. I just want Pike to be done so we know where we go from here.

The door opens. I stand upright, frozen. The guards take Kane away to jail. He gives me another lingering look. The door closes. For some reason, it all almost makes me shiver.  
War.

I knock, and don't wait for a signal to come in.

''What happened?!''

The room is empty but for Pike and Bellamy now, and neither replies to me. They look like I've just interrupted a very private conversation. ''Dismissed,'' Pike says, before he gives me a short look that falls back on Bellamy for a split-second. Bellamy keeps standing there for a long moment, frozen and pale, looking like he's just seen a ghost. Then he moves to walk out, and I'm not sure if I should follow or stay and try to squeeze answers out of Pike. After keeping me out for a reason, somehow I think Pike won't be very talkative.

''Bell? What's going on?'' I storm out after him. But he just keeps on walking, like a God damn zombie too.

''Bell, you're making me worried. Stop.''

Monty waits around the corner, probably looking as strung up and nervous as I must look right now. Bell walks up to him. Only then does he stop. He still doesn't say anything. After a moment Monty goes pale as well, and suddenly all of my insides twist.

''What happened in there?'' I ask again, feeling like my heart will betray me. It can't be good, that's for sure, but seeing Bell and Monty like this - I fear the worst.

''It's all over,'' Bell says, ''Whatever Kane hoped to accomplish, it's over.''

''And?'' Monty asks, trying to squeeze out of Bellamy what Bell's obviously almost terrified of saying. Bellamy won't look at me either, won't face me, like whatever he's supposed to say will just be more difficult if he says it to my face.

''Sentenced him to death.''

When you hear something you've least expected in the world to hear, it takes longer than a moment to sink in. ''What?'' Monty asks, his voice cracking into a whisper. I just stare at them both, in intervals. It can't be. This is all wrong, a mistake, and it could never possibly happen. Not on this plane of existence.

''What about Miller and Harper?'' Monty asks, and that wakes me up. That hits me like a lightning bolt.

''What about them?!'' I grab Bellamy's arm and make him face me now, ''Bellamy!''

He just shakes his head. I hear Monty's momentary sigh of relief, but I feel none. Wait, Pike means to execute Kane?! 

We weren't willing to sacrifice him but he's willing to sacrifice someone else?!

I wish I felt something other than fear and disappointment right now, especially the latter. It shouldn't feel this personal, like Pike's betrayed me. But it does.

It only lasts a moment though. As usual, I process every ''bad'' emotion by turning it into anger.

I've never seen Bellamy look so terrified, though. His skin is so white it's as though there's no blood left in him. Monty's hands are shaking a bit now. I'm yet to hit that stage. My skin is crawling and I feel sick. Yet none of us says another word. None of us moves yet.

''We need to do something,'' I finally break the silence, running hands through my hair and pacing around like it's going to get all this stress out of me somehow, ''I mean what's it gonna be next - Sinclair? Lincoln?''

''Nicely done today,'' Hannah approaches us with a smile. With a God damn smile on her God damn face. 

''I'm proud of both of you,'' she adds, not acknowledging my existence. It takes all I have in me to remember she's Monty's mom and to keep myself from punching her.

''Thanks, mom,'' Monty says, sounding too reluctant for his own good.

''Were you able to identify anyone Kane was working with?''

''No,'' says Bellamy, and my chest swells at the realization that I never really doubted him. What's left of the hundred that first came down - he'll always put us first. I never feared, and never will.

''Let's hope today's actions make it clear to the people of Arkadia which side they should be on,'' Hannah says, ''It's not really that hard, choosing what's best for your people, is it?''

''No,'' replies Bell, giving me a glance that I barely catch, ''I do it every day.''

Hannah smiles again that fucking smile I wanna punch off her face so bad, and then she leaves us. How she didn't notice we're all scared out of our wits is beyond me. Or maybe she did, and ignores it, well aware of the horror she's supporting.

''Well, we can't just keep standing here,'' I say, ''Follow me. Now.''

We find an empty storage room, and make sure no one sees us enter together. When we do, it's so dark I can only just make out their silhouettes. I can hear their labored breathing though. Mine isn't any better, but mine's more angry. Bellamy slides down onto the floor, pulls up his knees, props up his elbows, and buries his face in his hands. Monty looks tempted to do the same, but he's still trying to control his shakes. I feel like punching something.

''Now's not exactly the time to despair, Bell,'' I say, ''We need to start coming up with a plan, now.''

''What can we do?'' Monty asks.

''Anything it takes!'' I argue, ''Kane's not dying, and neither is anyone else. What makes you think Sinclair won't suffer the same fate?! Or Lincoln?! And if somehow word gets out, you think he'll spare Nathan? Harper? No, it's gone too far. If I have to break into the security system and break them all out myself, I will.''

''How many armed guards are there in Arkadia right now?'' Bell asks me, ''Hm? You know better than anyone, T. There's only three of us.''

''You're naive if you really think we'd stand alone if it came to it. And besides, it doesn't matter either way. If we're gonna be smart about this we're not gonna need numbers.''

''We can't do it alone.''

''Well, I'm sorry, Bellamy, your determination didn't seem to falter when you arrested Sinclair!''

''Hey, that's not-,'' Monty starts, ''We didn't know-''

''Didn't know that Pike would betray us like this?! Yeah, neither did I.''

''What do you suggest?'' Bellamy asks me.

''Talk to Nathan and Harper. They have to have something left up their sleeve. If we're gonna break them out we need someone on the outside to take over.''

''They're not gonna trust us,'' says Monty.

''No, I have a plan,'' assures Bell, ''What about you?''

''I'm gonna talk to Pike.''

''Think you can change his mind?'' Monty asks.

''No. But it's worth a shot. Make sure we've tried everything before we do anything drastic.''

''Agreed.''

''I haven't seen neither Miller nor Harper,'' Bellamy points out.

''That's 'cause they're not in camp. They'll come back soon, they have to. We'll catch them tomorrow,'' I reply, ''Meet here first thing in the morning. Before sunrise. Grab some sleep before we plan this thing in detail. Kane has some time yet, but we gotta be as fast as we can.''

''First thing in the morning,'' Bell nods in agreement as he gets up, ''And straight to bed. Don't talk to anyone. Don't look at anyone.''

''Sweet dreams?'' Monty jokes, out of hopelessness.

''Yeah, maybe one day,'' I say. I open the door to be the first one to step out of the darkness into the light.

And isn't that ironic.


	27. Chapter 27

I'm starting to think that maybe I should have gone with Monty instead of Bellamy, and Bellamy should have gone to Pike instead of me. Right now, every single one of the million ways this whole thing could go wrong is going through my head. What if Bell doesn't manage to make Nate and Harper trust him, and Octavia never comes to the Drop-Ship? Lives are depending on it, and if it had been me instead of Bell, Nathan would have been more likely to trust us. Or at least, I think he would be. At this point, nothing is certain anymore. And ironically, that's the only thing that's certain. Certainly doesn't make me feel any better.

It doesn't matter, any of it. We're doing this, and there's no going back. We do what it takes. No one else is going to die, and I feel a little bit selfish thinking about how I wouldn't be able to take it. Like it's a little bit about me too. Because I'm afraid that if I lose anyone else, something really important inside of me is going to break, if it hasn't already. I don't know what it is, but I picture it as this big gear crucial to a machine and right now the gears are grinding so tight that the Big Gear is surely going to burst one of these days and the whole mechanism will break down. The mechanism being me.

I thought the Big Gear burst when my dad died, after Mount Weather. I was so empty and teetering on the brink of despair that I thought that was it. I was broken and damaged forever. But then I started healing, slowly but surely, and I still am, and will be until the day I die because the pain will never go away, but at least I'd started. And now I know better. Now I know that I still have so much to lose. There are still so many things that can destroy me. And that scares me. That scares the living crap out of me.

Talking to Pike will achieve nothing, I know this. Yet I wouldn't be on my way to him right now if there wasn't some small bit of hope buried somewhere inside of me. Because that's the most human thing possible - being driven by hope sometimes so small we don't even see it. And the whole point of all of this is staying human. Surviving human. Persevering human. Building human. Even when we're being inhumane.

Well, that makes no sense. But at the same time it does. What drives us? Survival? Sure, all form of life wants to survive. A fly will fight to its last just like a human will. But why? Is it really just a primordial instinct? Why am I truly doing all this? Why am I still trying?

Of course, I know the answer, but I hate it so much. It's so bloody cheesy that I wouldn't dare say it out loud. But it's the truth - love is the fuel. We have died a thousand times but were always reborn. We never stayed empty for too long. Love fills us up again, gives us drive and purpose. All love, every kind. I love Bellamy. I love Jasper, I love Raven, I love Nathan. I love John. We fight for us but we fight for each other too. Hannah Green will commit a hundred genocides if she has to, claw out a thousand suns from the sky for a strand of Monty's hair. I don't like the woman, but I know that love drives even her actions. She's just on the other side of things now, going a different way about it.

My mother was like that. She probably wouldn't go Pike's way if she was here, but damn it she was just as fierce. She was a _mom_. Abby is like that too, all moms are lionesses. Each and every one.

It feels odd to think about mom, every time, and it's always followed by that wrong feeling of relief that she's already dead. That she never had to go through all of this. I know it's wrong - it feels wrong to feel relief. But I still do.

I find Pike in his office. Bellamy told me this morning about Sinclair's and Lincoln's sentence - my premonition came true - yet it doesn't help when I find Pike looking so utterly distressed. It would have been much easier if he didn't look so troubled, if he didn't care. It would make hating him so easy if he was the heartless man he's acting as. And hate is what I need right now. Hate would fuel my anger, and anger would make me push against Pike more aggressively. Because he's so far gone, his true heart shouldn't matter anymore. I need to fight against him with all I have. I need to unlearn and forget everything about him and see him as the enemy.

It proves easier said than done when he looks up at me and I see eyes glistening with a hundred sorrows, all piled up and mixed together into a storm of pain. He looks lost for a moment, but only for a moment. Naturally, no weakness allowed. No sign of wavering. Men betrayed his cause. Those men need to die as traitors and set an example. Whether he loves them or feels for them shouldn't matter. Because this is bigger than him. His is the responsibility of all the other lives in Arkadia, and all the lives to come. It is his duty to make sure humanity perseveres, civilized humanity.

Or so he believes.

''Natasha.''

''Sir.''

''Aren't you supposed to be on watch?'' he asks, like he doesn't know. But I'm pretty sure he personally put me on morning shifts this week. The executions take place at dawn. He wants me on the other side of Arkadia when they do.

''First shift, sir.''

''Right,'' he nods, ''Well? Is something the matter?''

Now I wanna shout ''bullshit''. He knows damn well what the matter is. But it's easier for both of us to beat around the bush. And the fact that he's willing to do something terrible but would rather avoid talking about it suddenly makes me even angrier. 

_Yes._ Exactly what I need.

Well, I'm not gonna beat around the bush. There's only one way to start this conversation. Actually, there's probably plenty of ways, but my mind won't work properly right now.

''I wanted to talk to you,'' I finally say, and it's almost a strain, ''About the sentence.''

''There's nothing to talk about,'' he replies, ''It's already decided. The executions will take place at dawn.''

He means to say it like it's nothing, but his voice is strained too. The thought of having to kill three of his people is not an easy one to have, but I don't care. I don't want to care.

''You don't have to do this, sir.''

''I do have to,'' he says, ''You think I want to do it? You think I _want_ to kill three of our own, even if they _are_ traitors?''

''No, I don't. Which is exactly why I'm-''

''But I have to, Tasha. Don't you understand that? This is a time when we need to be at our most united. And if I tell these people that betrayal will cost them nothing, where does that lead us? We will crumble, and we will all die.''

''There's gotta be another way,'' I insist, ''They're lives, not examples. _Our_ lives!''

''They'll have to be examples.''

Now I'm both angry and terrified, which mixes into this weird stew of upset, and I feel like I could start crying any moment now if only I let myself. 

It's obvious he doesn't want to do it. It's also obvious that he is determined to do it all the same. My anger is pulling back and with every moment I feel more and more like a lost little girl wanting to hug mom by clutching at her skirt. I haven't felt this powerless in a while. The only way Pike's mind could have possibly been changed was by appealing to his emotions, but that option's gone - he is ignoring them completely. He will never budge. I'm certain of it.

Yet I'm still trying. One more time.

''With all due respect, sir, but you're looking at this whole thing very one-dimensionally,'' I leave my own self in awe of how confident and unshaken I sound, ''These are not just any three people. You want us to survive this war and prosper, but you're ridding us of three lives that could shape our future.''

''You think I don't know this?''

''You do, but you haven't really thought about it. Not _truly_ ,'' I say, ''Kane, he's one big chunk of the reason why Arkadia is what it is today. Before you, before all of this, it was him - he and Abby led us into a new freakin' age when by rights everything should have fallen apart. Everything! After Mount Weather? We should have all gone bonkers. Instead we put ourselves back together. _Kane_ did that.''

''I know.''

''And Sinclair? He's a bloody genius. I don't care how good Raven is, or Wick, or Monty, that brain is irreplaceable. And Lincoln? Even though you see the end of this war with us surviving and none of them left, that's not how it's gonna go down. You know that too. They can't _all_ die. One day there's gonna be peace - there'll have to be. And once there is we're going to need people like Lincoln. He and Octavia are the bridge, the only bridge we have.''

''We have you.''

''It's not the same,'' I argue. I'm a little bit impressed by my own arguments, considering the fact that I had no plan whatsoever when I entered this office. I had 0 words prepared, and now they're pouring out.

''It will have to do,'' he says, and I know that's his final. It's all in his voice and the way he says it - this conversation is over and it's been futile since the beginning. I don't feel disappointed because I never really expected it to work. But I feel even more scared now.

''You're wrong about this,'' I finally say it, my true feelings about everything he's done finally coming out to see the light of day and God, it feels liberating - ''You're wrong, and one day you'll regret all of it.''

''Maybe,'' he says calmly, ''Maybe not.''

Now I feel sad, too. The mixture of it all is not a tasty one in my mouth. Who is this person standing before me?

''You know, you're part of the reason why I'm still here. Why I'm alive,'' I say, ''Not because of what you've done here. But because of what you taught me, up there.''

The Ark. Another lifetime.

''That's the only thing I ever wanted,'' he says, ''There's no greater achievement for me, don't you understand that? And though you think I'm wrong - right now? Right now I'm doing the exact same thing too.''

''No, you're not. You think you are, but you're not,'' I say, taking off the rifle that's been slung across my back and placing it on his table, ''Lincoln is my friend. I wouldn't be alive today without him either.''

Pike looks at the rifle on the table, then at me. He knows what this means. Though I was never officially a guard, in the current state of things that rifle naturally ended up in my hands. It was the most natural thing to do, to put someone so skilled on an important position. But only guards can bear firearms inside the walls, and I'm renouncing whatever he thought I was this whole time. I'm not a guard. I'm not a soldier. I'm not _his_ Arkadian.

I step back. He looks like he wants to say something to me, but there's nothing to say. I wonder if he cares about me - if he cares about anyone anymore - or if he only cares about the fact that he's lost a very useful pair of hands on his side. I might never find out, and does it matter really?

''Does this make me a traitor too, sir?'' 

''You shouldn't do this,'' Pike says, like I'll regret this decision, like it matters in the grand scale of things.

''You gonna kill me too?'' I say, and even with everything that's going on, with everything that Pike is doing, I still feel like _I'm_ being unfair with this, like _I'm_ being a mean bitch. But a part of me is also genuinely curious if he'd be able to. Kill me, I mean. I think I've caught something breaking in his eyes at the question, but it's gone in a moment, and I don't dare think I've gotten my answer. 

''You're no traitor,'' he says, ''Not yet.''

''Depends of your definition of betrayal,'' I say, and it's the last thing I do before I leave the room. I don't wait for a reply. I don't waste another minute on this. It's been futile for a while now. So why did it take me so long? Is it hope, or some sort of nostalgia? Refusal to believe that this person who shaped up who I am today is no longer that person? What should I feel right now except fear? I feel like I should probably mourn Pike. He is dead. Whom I just talked to was someone else entirely. 

If he died, I wouldn't be losing him. I've already lost him.

In a very weird way, that suddenly makes things easier. Every next step I take is easier and does not tear me apart. The dilemma is no more. I don't want Pike to die - I don't want anyone to die - but saving him isn't a priority. He is no longer included, no longer among those I need to protect.

I ask myself how this can be, that I should feel this way. How it can be so sudden. But maybe it's not sudden at all. Maybe I've known for a while, and what just happened was only the last straw. The conclusion. What I needed to hammer the last nail in and close the casket forever. I don't owe this man anything. Not anymore.

I radio Bell and Monty about everything that's happened. I don't dare go see them, not right now when Pike's gonna have all eyes on me. I'm a liability now, I know too much. To be inside his council, a part of his most inner circle, and then quit? For a moment I wonder if I should actually fear for myself. Even if I should, I can't. All of my fear is exhausted on Lincoln, Kane and Sinclair. 

I know the plan. And I can't believe staying in bed is a part of it. I try to sit in my room and stay out of sight but I'm afraid I'll go nuts between these walls.

I was never supposed to actively participate in what happens next. It's all in Bellamy's hands now. I should not leave Arkadia. I should not be outside. Hell, I should probably not leave this room. Now more than ever before my every move will be monitored. 

And it's not like there's anything I could do anymore either. All that's left for me to do is wait.

Except that I can't.

Even paying the prisoners a visit would be pushing the envelope. I wonder if I should. What would I even tell them? No, better not. Keep it as clean as possible.

But then the possibility of our plan failing comes to mind and I imagine them dying in the morning without even a thank you from me, let alone a goodbye, and my feet are carrying me on their own.

It's already dark outside. Which means visit-time will be over any moment now. Which also means Bellamy is probably at the Drop-Ship, already waiting for Octavia. So much lies on whether she shows up or not.

If anything is out of my hands, that is, so I can't think about it right now. I need to see them; I need to see Lincoln.

The guards are not happy to see me. I know them both for Pike's men, Factory station. Of course he would put his most trusted on duty tonight. They look like it will kill them if they let me through, but they do anyway, with a warning that I have ten minutes. I wouldn't know what to do with a minute more anyway.

There's another two guards inside, but at least they're not openly hostile. They just look like I'm a nuisance, an annoying fly buzzing around their heads. They want me to be quick and get it over with so I can get out of their hair. One of them says as much.

Kane leaps up off the bench the moment he sees me. Sinclair looks as defeated as all the Grounders in the prison, lifting only his head to meet me. Lincoln was never seated in the first place. He is fire embodied, and will burn until its last. Nothing can subdue his spirit, nothing can stop the fight inside of him. 

Kane steps up to the bars, so Lincoln stays behind, to let us talk, I know. But what I want to say to Kane, I can't say. ''Hang tight'' is right at the tip of my tongue, but I bite it back.

What do I say, then?

The stupid, ridiculous truth.

''I wanted to talk to you but now that I'm here I don't know what to say.''

Kane smiles at that. It's genuine, but also sad. It pulls at my heartstrings.

''That's alright,'' he says, ''I'm glad you came.''

I take a glance at the guards. Even when they're not looking, I know that they're closely listening to every word that's being exchanged. Of course they are - these prisoners are top priority.

So I need to phrase this well.

Except that I can't. I don't know how to tell him that we're working on it - working on rescuing them - and that we haven't given up on them. Even though somehow I think that he knows deep down, that he expects us to be planning something stupid, I still feel the need to say it. I need to know that I have given them some kind of hope no matter the outcome, that I have made it a little bit easier. But that's selfish too. Half of why I want to do it is to make myself feel better.

He notices this, notices me racking my brains, notices the hell inside of me. ''It's alright,'' he says again, with a smile once more. And this is the truest Marcus Kane that ever existed. The most honest, most naked, most real Marcus Kane that could possibly show himself. The very essence of who he is lies in that small smile. And somehow, stupidly, it reminds me of a poem.

''Do not go gentle into that good night.''

I realize I've said it only once it's out. Why did I say it? It's stupid, it's silly. And none of it should matter.

Except that it does. If this should all go south and if they should die, it matters that they die on their own terms. Unbowed, unbent and unbroken. Proud. Unwavering. It matters. Pike would give them a traitor's death, but they shouldn't allow it. A traitor doesn't walk with their head held high and their spirit still burning with the power of a thousand suns. Of the sum of all things.

It matters.

I don't expect Kane to smile wider and reply the way he does. ''Rage, rage against the dying of the light,'' he says, and I smile too now, but I want to cry instead. He places a hand over mine holding that bar, and I'm relieved when it doesn't make me cry for real. ''After everything that happened, all of it,'' he says, ''I'm proud of you.''

It's like a knife in the heart. I never knew I cared about this man this much, I was never aware of it, but how could I not? After everything he did for us, how could I not? Yet I'm only aware of it now, when the possibility of losing him is right in front of my nose. 

And I'm suddenly glad it's me standing here instead of Bellamy, because this would destroy him. Kane's been the father Bell never had, and Bell is part of the reason why Kane's facing what he's facing. It would be the thing that destroys him, if all that's happened hasn't yet. Bellamy's Big Gear would burst.

He's proud of me. I know I should say something to that too, but I don't know what, and even if I did I'm afraid my voice would crack. Losing composure is out of the question. Unbowed, unbent and unbroken.

''This is not the end,'' he says, ''The fight goes on. You stay smart, and you stay with Abby-''

''Don't talk like that,'' I argue. _Don't talk like we're saying goodbyes_ , I want to say, but that would implicate that another outcome is possible, which would implicate that we're trying to rescue them. So I don't say it.

He ignores the interruption. ''She's gonna need you, every one of you,'' he goes on, meaning Abby, ''Now more than ever you need to stick together, _all_ of you.''

I know what he means. _Get our deluded loved ones to wake up_. Maybe he thinks I stand a better chance at getting Bellamy to wake up than he ever did, and it takes all I have in me not to blurt out that it's already done. He's awake, he's back, and not because of me or him. He did it by himself. Wouldn't that be great? Maybe he wouldn't believe me. But it would feel so good to just tell him.

I nod. It's all I can do, nothing else to say. So he steps back. Lincoln takes another step forward.

''Watch out for her for me,'' he says.

''She'll kick my ass,'' I joke, and we both smile, but it's humorless, ''She'll be fine,'' I say and can't help but add - ''Yu seintaim ( _So will you_ ).''

''Wamplei nou laik eno-de ( _Death is not the end_ ),'' he says.

''Oso gonplei nou ste odon ( _Our fight is not over_ ),'' I shake my head, determined now - I can tell _him_ , ''Ai sou na breik yu au kom hir, you ( _I swear I'll get you out of here_ ).''

''English!!'' one of the guards growls.

''Nou dula dison ( _Don't do this_ ),'' Lincoln argues, fervently now, shaking his head, afraid for _me_. Like he's not supposed to face an execution. And that's another knife in my heart. That's Lincoln at his most bare, the essence of him. They do say that people will only show their truest selves when they think they're facing their end. But this selflessness - it's how he's always been. ''Don't be foolish,'' he adds, like he's afraid I won't quite get the full severity of it if he uses Trigedasleng, and even that much, out of context, is a slip into risk.

''Trikru nou set daun, emo throu daun ( _Trikru don't give up, they fight_ ),'' I say, ''Skaikru seintaim ( _And neither do the Sky People_ ).''

''Alright, that's it!'' the guard growls again, ''Visit over! Come on!''

I'm all but thrown out, roughed up, but I don't care. I catch Lincoln's look of fear before I'm out the door, but I don't care about that either.

My '' _hang tight_ '' - I've said it. And I've left it hanging like a promise.

Now it's time to fulfill it.


	28. Chapter 28

''What can I do?''

Sean is standing at my door, expecting some sort of answer from me. It's so odd seeing him there, as though he does not belong in this picture. A distressed look on his face, his fists clenched, heart in a hurry and a fury.

''Huh?'' I ask back, though it hardly counts as a question. He's going to have to work harder than that to wake me from this daze I'm in. It's been an hour since I've last heard from Octavia, and I've been trying to get to her the whole time. She's not responding, Bellamy's not responding, and time's ticking away. Even using this line is a risk of its own, but I'm counting on Monty to watch my ass and not let the frequency be intercepted. Also, screw the risks. I'm already way past that. I've long made peace with the fact that one wrong move could make me end up behind those bars and facing an execution myself. When you make peace with something like that, hardly anything's a challenge. I'm not exactly brave as much as I'm being stupid - all of us are - but either way right now I need to rendezvous with O. Where the hell is she?!

''The prisoners,'' Sean says, ''There's gotta be a plan to break them out.''

Sean's still here? I can't stop pacing. I also can't stop staring at that damn radio, like it's gonna summon Octavia if I just look hard enough.

''What are you talking about?'' I ask him, barely sparing him a glance.

''Come on, T. You can trust me.''

But can I? I remember the moment Sean and I met. He'd reminded me of Bellamy that day, the way he led his people, the way he took care of them. He was so handsome too, the hunger and the war hadn't taken their toll on him yet. Now there's traces of that handsomeness still, but he looks tired, his eyes hollowed out. Should we have ever brought them back? It makes you wonder. It's also odd to think about how it was me, Monroe and Dwyght who'd led them home. Now both Monroe and Dwyght are dead. 

And I'm still alive. Why? How? More skilled people have fallen, better people, smarter people. So how is it that I'm still here? What god is favoring me? And if there is a God, is he protecting me or punishing me? Is he saving my ass, or just playing with me, keeping me around while everyone around me dies one by one? Is that some sort of cruel play he's executing, leaving me to watch until I'm the last one standing?

Well, fuck him. I'm not gonna let that happen. It's game on, bitch.

I stride toward Sean quickly and close the door behind him, going through the security clearance to lock it. Then, before I can look at Sean's confused face, I feel him up. I don't care in the slightest as I check every single nook and cranny of his clothing. If there's a bug, I'll find it.

''Are you serious?!''

I don't reply, not until I'm done at least. When I'm sure there's nothing on him except a sidearm, I check the pistol too. Nothing.

''I'm not bugged,'' he argues, frustrated, when I step back.

''Had to make sure,'' I say, like it's nothing. Just as I've made sure my own room isn't bugged at least four times since I quit on Pike. Maybe I'm becoming a little bit paranoid, but I'd rather go nuts than get Kane, Lincoln and Sinclair killed.

''Come on, T,'' he says, like he's trying to find me somewhere inside this person he hardly recognizes at this moment, ''It's me.''

It's Sean.

Sean whose people we brought home. Sean who's fought with us ever since. Sean who marched on Mount Weather, who earned every moment of his keep. Sean who paid back in blood. Why wouldn't I trust him?

This is Pike's regime. This is what he does. Turn people against each other. Comrade on comrade. Destroy trust, destroy cooperation. Without cooperation, what are we? Nothing. Dead.

''Where have you _been_?'' I ask instead, ''All this time that Pike's been paving our way into hell, where the hell were _you_?!''

''What was I supposed to do?!'' he asks back, almost angry, ''Huh?! Come with an army of one against Pike's regime?! Form some kind of Resistance and be the rebel leader I always dreamt of being when I was a dumb ass kid?! Tell me, Tasha!! What the hell was I supposed to do?! Join his little squad of Avengers and march on Tondc the way you did?!''

''Hey, shut up,!'' I say, biting back at his sarcasm, ''You don't know what the hell I was trying t-''

''I don't _care_ what you were trying to do!! Monroe is dead!!''

''I know she's dead!!!!'' I shout back, and then I stop. I know that if I continue, I might break down. I've been shutting this whole thing down pretty successfully up until now, and we're not opening that door at the most inconvenient time ever. I think Sean notices this, because he doesn't push. We stand in silence for a long moment.

Monroe is dead. Another friend to add to a long, long list, but if I start going through it, I'm done for.

It can't stop with this. After we've rescued our imprisoned, we have to get rid of Pike. We _must_. He has become too dangerous, and it suddenly hits me that Monroe won't be the last. I've always known it, of course, but it never sunk in - if we continue Pike's way, _Monroe will not be the last_. One person here, one person there, until most of us are destroyed. Oh, some will survive, sure, run away maybe, but for what? What's the point?

''When we came to Arkadia, I could never in my wildest dreams even think that it would one day come to this,'' Sean speaks again, ''And now a third of the people that came with me that day are dead. Thanks to him.''

That many? Woah, I think. Of all things - a ''woah''. I didn't realize. And it never occurred to me that Sean had personal motives to add to this whole mess. How many Arkadians have fallen already?

''No more,'' he says, and this time I trust him.

''No more.''

That's when Abby comes to the door, opening it with the code I gave her. She almost says something she thinks she shouldn't, all in her rush, before she sees Sean standing there. For a moment she's taken aback, then she says:

''I need you in medical.''

I know that shit's in motion. I know that time is ticking. I have only a moment to decide.

''Sean too,'' I say.

*

Abby briefs us in quickly, on everything, from where Octavia is to what the hell is going on right now. It won't be long before dawn starts cracking, and every single move needs to be perfectly executed before then. When Pike starts leading the prisoners out, we need to spook him into delaying. He needs to think that we're trying something so that he'll close the prisoners off into Dorm 12 Corridor C. Yes, very fucking specific, but that's the only room close by with a shaft. That's where Bryan comes in, to make sure it's _the_ room. Nathan's already on it. If that fails, all fails. 

The plan stands on pretty shaky legs if you ask me, but it's the only plan that stands any chance of working at all.

The prisoners hide in the shaft until Pike and his cronies are gone, then we pick 'em up and make for the ''secret'' exit, which is not exactly an exit but Kyle Wick's magical hands opening up a God damn portal. Ain't that sweet? Easy as beans.

Sean now, Sean needs to be at the right place at the right time. Pike needs to pick him up into the escort, because we'd rather have Bryan and another friendly on task, than Bryan having to knock out the other unfortunate soul. If Pike leaves more than two on duty, that's even more reason to have Sean there. Bryan can't take them all on until we show up.

In an hour, Sean's in position. Abby and I wait, anxious, for Nathan to show up and a ''go'' from Wick.

''Too many variables,'' I say, which is odd for me, I'm not usually the one to be negative. I've gone with plans much more dangerous and reckless than this one before. But this time, lives of three dear people are at stake, and if all fails and they end up dead anyway, then you can bet we're next to die too.

Wick voices as much.

_''I feel like I'm digging my own grave.''_

''Is it done?'' I ask, watching Abby wipe cold sweat off her forehead.

 _''Yeap. Wonderland's a go,''_ Wick says, _''The rabbit hole's open.''_

''Did anyone see you, Wick?'' Abby asks.

_''They saw me fixing the lighting in this shithole is what they saw.''_

''Good. Get back to the lab and stay out of sight. You've risked enough.''

 _''Aye, aye, captain,''_ he says, _''Do mention my genius to Sinclair once they're out.''_

I huff out a laugh as I shake my head, because why does he always have to be like this? I know he's scared shitless, especially about Sinclair.

''Stay low, Wick,'' I say, ''We'll get them out.''

*

Nathan throwing me one of the rifles is how I know we're on the move. He's remembered to grab me a vest too, because if it comes to bullets flying I'll be the only one completely exposed. There's ammo in all of my pockets. Checking equipment first thing has become a habit, and doing it as we run I realize I really have turned into a God damn soldier.

''Everything okay?''

Nathan and I help Sean and Bryan to their feet, then follow Abby into the room where everyone's already out the shaft. I pull out a knife from my boot and cut Sinclair's ties, setting his hands free.

''We need to hurry,'' I urge.

But something's wrong. Octavia doesn't look too good talking to Harper in the corner.

''What's wrong?'' I ask, but I can hear Harper's voice now.

_''Stay where you are. I repeat, stay where you are. The exit is not clear.''_

My heart drops into my heels.

''How many guards?'' O asks.

_''Too many. I said - stay put.''_

''Shit,'' I cuss, ''Harper, close the hatch and hide.''

''What do we do?'' someone asks.

''We can't just stay here either,'' I argue.

''You think we can fight our way-''

''No-''

''Where the hell is Bellamy?'' I remember to ask. No one replies. Octavia gives me a look, and I fear to think it's the answer. Did something go wrong?

I don't have time to think.

 _''Calling all guards - the prisoners are headed for the main gate,''_ Monty's voice suddenly booms, _''The prisoners are headed for the main gate! Over!''_

A sigh of relief. _Thank you, Monty._

''That was Monty?'' O asks.

''Guess he's with us after all?'' Nate says.

''Of course he is!'' I argue, incredulously, ''Wait, you didn't trust him-?''

''We don't have time for this,'' Abby says, ''We have to move.''

''Pike will find out,'' says Kane, meaning about Monty.

''If all goes well,'' I say, ''By the time we're through there might not even be a Pike to do anything about it.''

So we run for Wonderland.

*  
One by one we go through the hatch, in a hurry now that the alarms are blasting and there are patrols everywhere, scanning Arkadia down to the last inch. Soon they'll be here too. I consider staying behind with Abby, thinking I still might be more useful on the inside, but that's folly. After everything that's happened with Pike, I'm no longer in position to do much, and it'd be too dangerous for me anyway. Sean is ushering me forward, like he's afraid I'll turn back. We have to literally crawl our way outside, and when fresh air finally meets my face, I feel like I'd been crawling for ages. We're outside though, and I mentally make it a point not to ever tell Wick that he's saved the day. He'd never shut up about it.

''Wait,'' Sean says, ''Folks missing.''

''Damn it,'' I turn around, then stride back toward the opening quickly, keeping to the bushes, ''Where the hell are they?''

''What's taking them so long?'' someone else asks.

''Come back, you can't be seen,'' Sinclair urges me, ''We'll wait for them here.''

''They were right behind me and Sean, Abby said she was staying and then I thought- I thought they were behind us-''

''Calm down,'' Nate says, ''I'm sure they're alright.''

This worries me even more - Nathan of all people having to comfort me. He sucks at being positive. Which means he's terrified right now.

_Fuck._

The last time I thought someone was ''right behind me'', she ended up dead.

''There they are!''

I turn around quickly, only to see Kane carrying Octavia in his arms. ''Why is he carrying her?'' is my line of thinking because I don't realize immediately that she's unconscious. What the hell happened?!

''What happened?!'' I ask, ''Where's Lincoln?''

Kane doesn't say anything. He just shakes his head.

What does that even mean?!

And why does he look like that?!

On some level, I already know - of course I know - but my mind won't accept it. The Big Gear keeps on spinning, keeps on grinding.

''Come on, we need to get out of here,'' someone says, ''Get her on the horse.''

''Wait,'' I insist, ''We can't just- We need to go back.''

Why is everyone walking away?!

''We can't go back,'' someone else says. I don't know who. My mind is still racing, heart still punching, panic still making up thousands of possible scenarios. But we have to go back.

''You go ahead,'' I say, but as soon as he sees me turning around, Nathan grabs my arm.

''Are you insane?!'' he growls, ''Walking back in there is suicide!!!''

''We can't just leave him, Nate!''

''We have to,'' Kane says, too quietly, too calmly, as he leads Helios - Octavia is still asleep on his back, ''It was either him, or everyone else in that prison. He put his people first. He made that choice.''

I can't believe what I'm hearing. I can't believe it all went so wrong. I can't believe Pike could be so damn cruel. Who is he even? How have I been so blind?

We were _so close._

''We need to move,'' someone says, and Nate pushes me gently so I'll keep walking - I almost can't breathe, let alone move, ''Before Octavia wakes up.''

She wakes up in another moment though, and at the worst time too. I don't even realize it until she all but crawls off that horse. Right there - right through the bushes - we can see it happening. Lincoln's on his knees and at gunpoint. God, I can't watch but I can't look away either. Octavia especially shouldn't be watching this, but it's like I can hardly believe it's happening at all. My mind can make no sense of it, won't accept that it's real. I'm watching a movie. This isn't real. None of this is real.

I wake up in an instant, lifting the M16, turning off the red dot, and aiming right at Pike's head. I have him, it's a clear shot. He's not even moving. One move of my finger and Charles Pike is dead.

Someone grabs the barrel, lowers my gun, messes up my aim. I look up and I would be angry if I could feel anything in this void, but I'm in a dream, I'm empty and weightless. 

I look up. It's Sinclair. His hand is still on the barrel of my gun, and I scowl. What the hell? He just shakes his head.

''I had that shot!''

''Not yours to kill,'' he says, too quietly, too calmly.

''Screw Lexa, you think I care?''

''You fire that bullet, and they'll catch us before we can cover a mile.''

I can't believe what I'm hearing, though in days to come I'll be grateful that Sinclair kept me talking, kept my eyes and my attention on him. When that gun fired, it made me jump, but Lincoln was already down. I didn't see the bullet meet his head. I didn't see the blood burst. When I look, he is already on the ground, already gone. 

Octavia is crying. Kane is holding her. I just stare. Where's Pike going? Are they just going to leave Lincoln's body there? Can that really be Lincoln? Can that really be all that's left of an entire universe? He looks too small to be Lincoln. A warrior, a healer, an artist, a bridge between people, a lover with his entire being. He was made of honor and goodness, faith and passion. He can't be just a puddle of blood.

I can feel someone gently ushering me to move, but I can't. 

Harper's face is the last I see before blackness engulfs me.


	29. Chapter 29

When I wake up, I have no recollection of anything that's happened. I have no idea where the hell I am or why I'm here. The moment of confusion is scary enough to give me a mini heart-attack, but then I see my friends huddled around a fire and it puts me at ease. _Okay, we're good. We're safe._

My eyes scan the place. Moldy, but the fire is making it warm and comfortable. It's a big cave.

And Bellamy is chained to its wall.

''What the hell happened?!'' I demand, getting up on my feet way too quickly so the sudden dizziness almost knocks me back on my ass, ''Bell-''

''You need to sit down,'' Sean says, gently trying to push me back down, ''Starved and dehydrated, plus the trauma-''

The trauma?

Oh, right. Lincoln.

... He's dead. He really _is_ dead. Pike _killed him._

''O-,'' I start, but I don't know what the hell I could say to her. She doesn't respond. Doesn't look up from the fire they're all huddled around. I don't know how the hell she's still pushing onward.

I see Kane shake his head at me, subtly. _Don't mention Lincoln._ For now, at least, I guess. Right, got it.

''Look, I'm fine,'' I tear myself away from Sean the way he doesn't deserve and get over to Bellamy, kneeling down immediately. ''Why is he chained?'' I pull on the ties, ''Why are you chained?''

''Tasha, let it go,'' Bellamy says, directly into my eyes like it's a demand and an order.

''Let go what? What the hell happened here? Look at your face, what-''

''Let it go,'' Nathan says from somewhere behind me. When the man who stays out of everyone's business at all times and at all costs decides to chime in, you know shit's real and you gotta listen to him. So I don't push. Which doesn't make me any less furious and confused.

I look up to meet Bell's eyes, and I know he's trying to communicate something wordlessly. He glances at Octavia's turned back for a short moment, and I know. Even without that, I would know. He's broken over Lincoln. Broken over the fact that his sister, his lifeline, will not forgive him this time around.

But it wasn't Bellamy's fault. It wasn't Bellamy who imprisoned Lincoln, and it wasn't Bellamy who sentenced him. And he sure as hell tried to break him out.

Not that it matters. Bellamy's fault, here, is his blindness born of grief and anger, and the fact that he followed Pike in the first place.

I touch his face, gently, running a finger over a cut on his cheekbone. I'll have to take care of that later. I know that he won't and this place is filthy as hell. It's gonna fester. He looks at me like he's going to cry, his face leaning into my palm just enough for me to notice, for me to know. The way he's broken, breaks me.

''Is this some kind of security measures?'' I ask, ''What, you think he's gonna run away and tell on us-?''

''Just in case,'' someone says, it could have been Nate.

''Won't you chain me and Bryan up then?'' I bite, ''We were far enough up Pike's ass ourselves-''

''Tasha, don't,'' Nathan says. I stop. I look to Bellamy, and he too is telling me, only with his eyes. _Don't._

''Fine,'' I nod sarcastically, throwing my hands up and letting them fall against my thighs, ''Well, this is peachy. Just wonderful. You'll forgive me if I go out for some fresh air, it kind of stinks in here.''

That wasn't a jab, it really does stink. The farther into the cave you go the more stale the air is.

Well, it served as a good jab too.

''Hey, where're you going?!'' someone demands behind me.

''Don't worry, won't go running to _Pike_.''

It's dark outside, and I barely know where the hell we are, so I don't dare move too far out. I find a rock to sit on, right outside, and try to just listen to the sound of the wind. It's howling tonight, but the feeling of it against my skin is almost soothing. Yet I can't empty my mind, as much as I'm trying.

Lincoln Lincoln Lincoln. From the moment we met to the moment he died, Lincoln. 

There might be a storm tonight. The clouds are dark and the night moonless, whereas the trees are almost bending down to the ground from the force of the wind. Even God is angry. So many times I could swear God didn't care, but this time he does. He has to. Lincoln was better than most. Better than me, better than all of us.

''Hey.''

I don't jump at the sound of Nathan's voice, though he approached me carefully. I half-expected him.

''Hey.''

''Mind if I keep you company? It really does stink in there.''

So I move my butt and we share the rock.

''Storm's coming,'' he says.

''Might pass over,'' I offer.

''That'd be a first.''

''Are we still talking about the weather?''

''Lexa's dead.''

''What?!?''

''Yeah.''

Holy shit. _Holy fucking shit._ And I saw the smokes yesterday, I knew they were in the direction of Polis, I know their traditions. And it never even _occurred_ to me. I mean, how could you ever think it's _that_?

I never thought I'd think this in a thousand years, but - what are we going to do without Lexa?!

''Oh my God, we're fucked.''

''We've pretty much been saying that since we landed-''

''No, Nathan, we really are fucked. What makes you think the alliance will still stand? We have no home anymore, nowhere to turn to. If Pike doesn't kill us, the Grounders will-''

''We don't know that.''

''You're right, we don't. Which is even worse.''

''Look, we can't think about that right now. We'll fix things once we eliminate Pike.''

''Why do you think the new heda will care?!''

''We have to try.''

''Right,'' I say, before burying my face into my hands, ''Jesus. What happened here, Nate?''

So he tells me. How they didn't trust Bell and Monty, why they tied Bell up, and finally how Octavia lashed out on him. All of it.

And the worst thing is, while my insides are twisting at the thought of Bellamy hurting, I can't blame Octavia either. It had to have hurt her just as much. And they're both right and they're both wrong.

''God,'' I shake my head, ''How did we come to this.''

''No idea.''

''You really think he would have let Pike kill our- our friends? No matter what's happened, Nate, Bell and Monty are still our people. They would have never just stood by-''

''Look, I know you believe them,'' he says, ''And I want to believe them too, trust me, I so want this whole thing to be resolved, but I _can't_ , I can't allow any risks. Not at this point.''

''I get it,'' I say. And I do. Which is why Bellamy's still tied up. I trust him, because I was _there_. They don't, because they were not. They don't, because Lincoln is dead, and even the smallest possibility of a risk is out of the question now. I understand.

I am outnumbered here, and besides, Bellamy will have opportunity enough to prove his intentions.

Nathan and I sit in silence for some time.

''I can't believe he really did it,'' I speak after a while, my voice groggy from lack of use, ''He really put a bullet in his brain.'' 

The Pike I used to know would have never done that, I think, but I'd be so disgusted with myself if I said it out loud. Professor Charles Pike is dead. This Pike needs to go too.

Nathan takes my hand in comfort and it feels so wrong because who am I to be comforted? No one's heart should ache for me, for us. They should ache for Lincoln.

''God, I promised him, Nate. I _promised_ I'd get him out. I shouldn't have done that, I-''

''You did all you could,'' Nathan says, but I know my words are still going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

''I can't imagine what Octavia must be going through,'' I say instead. And I can't. Raven might have an idea. But I don't. Not _really_.

''She's tough,'' Nate says.

''I know.''

''Come on, let's get inside before our asses freeze to the stone.''

It's warm inside, the cavern lit up by the flames and offering some comfort to us all. They're discussing if we're safe here. Nathan and I sit down to join them, me picking a spot near Bellamy. I try to encourage him without words but the look he gives back and the sad smile claw at my heart.

''I say we run two men patrols around the clock starting now,'' Bryan suggests.

''We'll do that but we should be safe here,'' says Kane, ''Because of the blockade, Pike shouldn't be looking for us.''

''Yeah but are we safe from the blockade?''

''As long as we stay on this side of the line, we should be.''

''They're grounders,'' Bryan argues, ''You really think they're gonna play by the rules?''

''Hey, Pike will want you dead now too,'' Nathan tells him, ''We take him out, we can go home.''

''We take him out then the grounders lift the blockade,'' says Harper.

''That's right,'' Kane says, ''We become the thirteenth clan again. Those were the terms.''

''I had a clear shot,'' I argue, ''I could have taken him out-''

''Couldn't risk it,'' Kane shakes his head, ''We wouldn't have stood a chance of getting away either way.''

''It might have saved Lincoln's life,'' I argue, forgetting myself, remembering too late. When I glance at Octavia, she looks like I've just stabbed her between the ribs.

''Or you might have missed, gotten him and all of us killed too,'' he argues back, ''I don't care how good of a shot you are, from that distance you would have needed a sniper.''

''It doesn't matter now,'' Sinclair says, ''We need to talk about those terms, because those were Lexa's terms. If what Bellamy said is true and she's dead, how do we know the next commander will honor them?''

''One problem at a time,'' Kane says.

''What about Clarke?'' Nathan remembers, ''With Lexa gone she's not safe in Polis.''

''Clarke made her choice,'' Octavia speaks up, ''The only thing that matters now is killing Pike.''

''Octavia's right,'' Kane says, ''Once we resume our place in the commander's coalition, Clarke will be safe. So how do we do it?''

_''Bellamy come in. I'm in trouble. Please say you still have your radio.''_

_Monty?!_

''If we respond and Pike's listening-,'' Sinclair starts.

''He's not. Monty saved our asses back there,'' I say, ''If he stays in Arkadia, not even Hannah can protect him.''

''Go to channel seven,'' Bell says, ''Please say you still have your radio. That's seven words after the word trouble. It's code, go to seven.''

 _''Bellamy, are you there?''_ Monty calls. Everyone's staring, like they don't know what to do, whom to trust. And time is ticking. They better decide fast.

''Oh for God's sake, Monty's in trouble!'' I insist, ''We need to do something!''

Kane picks up the radio. He may not trust Bellamy and Monty but he trusts me.

''Monty, it's Kane. What's wrong?''

_''Pike knows that I helped you get out.''_

''Can you get to the dropship?''

_''I think so.''_

''Good, go there. I'll bring you in. Stay off the radio. Over now.''

''Hold on,'' Harper argues, ''What if it's a trap and Pike's waiting?''

''That's why I'm going alone.''

''Like hell you are,'' says O.

''I'm with Octavia,'' Nathan says, ''Monty saved our lives, I'm going too.''

''No you're not,'' Kane says, ''If it is a trap, I'm not marching our entire insurgency into it.''

''If you don't want me you're gonna have to kill me,'' Octavia says, dead serious.

''She hopes it's a trap,'' says Bell.

''He's coming too,'' O says, ''We need a hostage to trade for Monty.''

''It's a good plan,'' agrees Kane, ''He stays chained. And gag him.''

''Hey!'' I argue, but no one cares.

''Sir, with all due respect-,'' Nathan starts, but still no one cares.

''He's the enemy,'' Kane demands, ''Do what I said.''

''That's it,'' I get up, picking up my rifle, wishing I had Freyja with me for good luck, ''I'm going too.''

''What did I just say?'' Kane argues.

''I don't care what you just said. If we're gonna do this, I'm not leaving Bellamy for one second.''

''We can't give you over to him too, you're dead on sight, you know that.''

''Oh, you're not giving me over,'' I say, zipping up my vest, ''And let him try.''

''Tasha, you've risked enough,'' Bell says, ''You just _blacked out_ -''

''I have nothing else to lose. Besides, if this really is a trap, you can be damn sure Pike won't come with two people.''

*

The drop-ship camp is desolate. Or so it looks.

''Monty!'' Kane calls, holding Bellamy at gun-point, though he can't fool me with that safety on, ''We got here first.''

But somehow I don't trust it. There's something eerie about this calm and silence. Octavia agrees, both our weapons ready.

We take another step closer.

''No, we didn't,'' Octavia says, and before I can know what's happening she's grabbed Bellamy and holding him against her blade, ''Get outside!!!!! Now!!!!!''

''O, what are you doing?'' I ask, even though I know. Me eyes are on the scope. It better not come to a shoot-out, but if it does I'm ready.

Monty walks out, slowly. He looks terrified, and I don't understand why until someone else follows behind. It doesn't even sink in when I see Monty's hands tied.

But then Pike steps out of the Drop-Ship, pointing a gun at Monty's head.

''He followed me. I'm sorry.''

But I hardly hear him. All I hear are my own thoughts as I'm calculating whether I could shoot Pike before he can try and shoot Monty. I'm calculating the risks, the risks we're not supposed to be taking at this point.

''Let him go, Pike!'' Kane demands.

''Can't do that,'' Pike says, and then mumbles some sort of command that's made clear when a bullet lands right next to my left foot. I jump up and to the side, a breath hitched in my throat. It shakes me up for only a second though, because I don't give a fuck at this point. Surrounded or not, right now I'm willing to shoot this man even at the cost of my life.

''It's over,'' he says, ''Put down your weapons.''

''Shoot him,'' O says.

''Monty's in the shot,'' replies Kane nervously.

''I have it clear,'' I say, but my breathing is too shaky and it's too dangerous.

It's in vain too, because another shot is fired right between my legs. I gasp and jump back. My shot is gone. He's messing with us. Letting us know we can't do anything. Not even shoot him as he's standing right there.

''Come on, Marcus,'' Pike says, ''I promised Monty's mother that I'd bring him home alive, don't make me a liar.''

I can see Kane lowering his gun in the corner of my eye, but I don't dare move mine. It's too dangerous. Octavia protests as much. Kane doesn't care; he throws his rifle to the ground.

''You too,'' Pike demands.

The rest is instinct. Octavia swings Bellamy around and puts her blade to his throat and takes a step forward like she means it. Without thought, I follow, rifle still ready and aiming.

''One in the girls' legs, each,'' Pike says, and I know the words are not meant for us.

That one tiny split of a moment stretches for an eternity in which I wait for the bullet to come. It doesn't.

I take a blow below the knee and am disarmed and it takes me too long to realize that that was Bellamy, as he's now knocked Octavia over too.

Too late. Pike's guards step out of their hiding. We're surrounded. Next I know I'm being tied and held at gunpoint.

They don't hold Bell at gunpoint.

''Hey, you don't look so good,'' Pike tells him.

''I'm fine.''

''You got about five seconds to make me believe you're still with me.''

''All the others are in a cave not far from here.''

''Bellamy!'' I say, but I might have screamed it.

''You son of a bitch!'' Octavia screeches and with all her anger manages to tear away and run toward him, but she's shock-lashed before she can cover two feet. I can hardly breathe at the scene. It's more unreal to me than anything ever. I'm not processing any of it.

''Give me the coordinates,'' Pike tells Bell.

''I don't have the coordinates, but I can take you there.''

No way. No way, no way, no way. Back at Arkadia, he was true. He would have never stood by as Kane executed our friends, he would have never let that happen. And back at the cave, that was true too. Those eyes, they could never lie to me. He would never have betrayed me.

Or would he? What do I _know_? Do I know Bellamy? If I don't, how is it that I love him then? Is all I know a lie? Is everything my world is based on false? How do I not crumble now, when the foundations of who I am are being shaken cataclysmic? What do I fight for when I have no idea what the truth is?

I can hardly walk. He may have inflicted damage to my knee, but I think it has more to do with the fact that the entire universe is falling apart and I'm praying to every god that ever existed that Nathan and the rest have left that cave.


	30. Chapter 30

I walk, but my feet carry me on their own. My eyes are open, but I'm seeing nothing. Colors and shapes around me dissolve and merge, and my mind is a jumble of echos. It can't be. Bellamy. How could you? No. He wouldn't. Who are you? Bellamy. Nathan. Nathan, please run. Take them and run. Please don't be there. Bellamy. Nathan. Bellamy. Nathan.

I can hear them talking, Bellamy and Pike, yet nothing gets to the brain. I don't dare look at Bellamy. Or anyone, for that matter. It's better here, in the safety of the zone between dreams and reality. I'm not sure for how long we've walked. I'm not sure if we're getting close to our cave. I'm not sure about anything except this dirty old rag in my mouth that's making my jaw ache.

Until we stop.

''Hold up,'' I heard Pike say, but I don't understand it. My heart wakes up first, starting to thump with adrenaline. I look around. We must be close. But why have we stopped? Why am I in fight or flight mode; what instinct is giving me a heads up and why?

''The cave's just on the other side,'' Bellamy tells Pike, but he sounds nervous. I'm sure no one else has caught it slithering out of his voice, but I know him. I know him scared, I know him nervous, I know him defeated. What's going on?

I look to Octavia. She gives me nothing but pure, homicidal anger. There is no room for anything else. Monty mirrors me, though. Something's going on.

Another moment. Then Pike decides to resume moving. ''Keep a sharp eye out,'' he says, and my feet find their purpose again. Unfrozen. Left, right. Bellamy leads the way, Pike behind him. Five feet. Ten feet.

Then the war-horn sounds.

''The blockade!'' Pike shouts, all weapons following his, ''Back to higher ground!''

I look around frantically, scanning the treeline, panicking about my hands being tied and weaponless. My heart speeds up even worse, and now my blood is rushing everywhere. The fight or flight instinct has taken full control.

But I see nothing. Which doesn't surprise me, really. Even after all this time and after all this training - if the Grounders don't want me to see them, I won't see them.

''Drop your weapon!!'' I hear Bellamy shout behind me. It takes me a moment to realize it's Bellamy, then another one to realize what he's just said.

I turn around. He has a gun in his hands and it's pointed straight at Pike's head.

Pike's not even doing anything about it. Not because he's confused like the rest of us, but because he obviously isn't taking this seriously.

''What the hell are you doing?!'' he asks him.

''Drop your weapon!'' Bellamy growls again, the barrel of his gun pointing right between Pike's eyes. I don't wait another wretched moment.

I see stars in the corners of my eyes when I suddenly reverse-headbutt the guard behind me. The ache in the back of my skull is dull and on any other day wouldn't affect me much, but right now it's dizzying because I am overall weak. It doesn't deter me though, and the element of surprise buys me a moment, because when I turn around the guy has gingerly touched his busted nose and is taking a short moment to stare at his bloody fingers. It's only now that I realize it's Gillmer. I'd laugh if I had the time. The moment doesn't last as long as I needed it to, though, because the next punch is almost received by me. I've somehow managed to duck and avoid it, and slam both of my tied fists into his crotch. He can't resist but bend over, so I use the chance to slam an elbow down at the back of his neck. He almost falls over, and when I kick behind one of his knees, he does.

_Thank you, Lincoln._

When I turn around I see that Octavia's managed the same, and the guard next to Kane stands disarmed, but the other few still hold us at gunpoint. We can't win, tied and outnumbered, that's for certain. So I'm not really sure what Bellamy means to do.

He answers my unasked questions.

''We bring you Chancellor Pike of the Sky People!!!!!!''

The relief that floods my body at the same time completely mixed with fear into a fusion is something I've never experienced before in my entire life. But here it is. Every hair on my body stands straight. My brain hasn't even processed it but my heart is already rejoicing because the worst of my nightmares - that I never even thought I'd have - didn't come true. Bellamy hasn't betrayed me.

''O, translate.''

''Osir lid yo in Chansla Paik kom Skaikru!!!'' she shouts to the trees.

''Take him and lift this blockade.''

''Teik em in, ban disha treibloka we!!!!!!''

The three guards remaining on feet drop to the ground before I know what's happened. Then we're surrounded, more arrows nocked, blades drawn ready. There is a circle of warriors around us, visible now that they want to be seen, and I feel naked. I need a weapon.

Then it all happens at once.

Octavia's managed to grab a knife and charge at Pike, and before I can move Kane's already stopped her. He reminds her how Pike's needed alive and how the Grounders won't tolerate another Finn, and Bellamy is still holding Pike at gunpoint and I'm still tied and powerless and we're still surrounded by heavily armed warriors and this could all either go terribly well or terribly wrong for us. Right now we're in between, teetering on the edge, and one move could push us off into an abyss.

O's still not entirely budging. My feet are still ready, in case I need to act.

Which is exactly what happens when Pike uses the standby moment and turns on Bellamy.

It's pure instinct. I do the slide Octavia taught me and it doesn't matter that I don't completely sweep Pike off his feet. It's enough that he's stumbled, deterred. Bellamy lands a punch and the Grounders do the rest. To stop him resisting, they've shot an arrow through his shoulder. He falls right next to me, and doesn't get up. I know the pain, and it's weakened him completely. 

Bellamy gives me a hand and helps me get up. He removes the gag out of my mouth and looks me in the eyes with so much behind that blackness, that I suddenly realize this is the first time we've looked at each other's faces since back at the cave. I can't decipher him, and I don't have the time. He quickly cuts my ties and then hands me the knife.

Better. Less naked now.

''Where are you taking him?'' Kane asks as the two towering Grounders carry Pike between them like he doesn't weigh a damn pound.

''To the new commander,'' one of the Grounders replies.

''May I join you?'' Kane asks, rolling up a sleeve to reveal his brand - and alarm takes over me all over again - ''We're the thirteenth clan.''

The Grounders look like they're mulling it over, before one of them says:

''Don't slow us down.''

Kane nods, and I suddenly fully realize he's completely serious about this.

''Are you sure?'' Monty asks, ''We know nothing about the new commander.''

''I'm sure.''

''You can't go alone!'' I find my voice, ''You need back-up, another pair of eyes at least-''

''Another person won't change a thing,'' Kane tells me, ''And I have to do this regardless. Go home. Tell our people what happened here. Tell Abby... I'll look out for Clarke.''

Nodding, Monty and I put some distance between us and Bellamy, because whatever Kane wants to talk to him about before he leaves must be something very private to them. We lean against a tree and watch Octavia feel up the bodies for whatever we could use. Or at least, I'm watching. Monty's thoughts are who knows where.

''You okay?'' I ask him stupidly. Of course he's not okay.

''Uh- yeah,'' he nods, but his eyes are trained at the ground. He's playing with his fingers the way he does whenever he's feeling lost and scared. So I put a hand over them.

''It's gonna be alright now,'' I say, ''Pike's gone. We'll make this right.''

He doesn't say anything this time. Doesn't nod. Doesn't look at me. It is only when Bellamy joins us that he speaks again.

''My mom turned me in.''

Something in my stomach drops.

''You're family,'' Bell tells him, ''You'll work it out.''

Gillmer starts to rise. I clutch my knife tighter, ready without any need. Gillmer's alone and the smartest thing for him to do would be to run, which I'd even let him. Octavia wouldn't, though. 

She doesn't.

She drives a knife right into his heart with the words that I know she means with every fiber of her being.

''Jus drein jus daun.''

*

We don't talk much on our way back to the cave, Octavia especially - to her it's like we don't even exist. I imagine myself in her shoes, if they'd taken Bellamy away from me the way they took Lincoln from her, and the mere thought is too much. I have my anger issues enough as it is, I'd be ten times worse than her, in her situation. Hell, I can't even imagine it. My brain can't grasp it.

Everyone's fumbling with words once we're back, but Monty and Bell manage to tell everything that's happened. Nathan looks to me for confirmation every once in a while, like this whole play is not over yet. I'm too tired. I have no energy to speak, let alone stand; I literally drop ass first in front of the fire. Everyone knows well to leave me alone.

Once the whole conversation is over, someone suggests we rest for an hour tops before making our way back to Arkadia. Fine by me, I think. I feel that if I dared fall asleep here I wouldn't be able to wake up for three days straight.

Nathan and Monty take the watch. Watching them walk out together, the view of their backs side by side against the light suddenly makes me recall Nate's words. For a moment I wonder - does he still feel the same way about Monty?

''Hey,'' Bell sits down next to me. I register his voice before I see him. I don't really know how much time has passed with me just sitting here in solitude. It seems that everyone's either outside or sitting at the mouth of the cave, craving fresh air. Bell and I are almost alone. I am too tired to care about the stink.

''Hey.''

''You alright?''

''Yeah.''

''You don't look so good,'' he says, then pulls out a roasted rabbit leg, ''Courtesy of Miller. Saved this one for you, or so he says.''

I take it quicker than I would like. The way I try to slow down every next bite manages to coax a smile out of him. It's no wonder, I must look ridiculous.

''Here,'' I offer him the remaining half.

''No, that's yours.''

''Take it, Bellamy.''

''I'm not hungry-''

''Stop lying-''

''I'm n-''

''I'll throw it out.''

''Don't throw the food out.''

''Then take it!''

''Fine,'' he finally takes it, half annoyed, ''I forgot how stubborn you are.''

''How could you possibly forget _that_?'' I nudge him with a smile, but it all somehow turns terribly sad extremely fast and I realize I shouldn't be wading the dangerous waters of our memories, ''We should probably get going. We'll lose the sun and I hate hiking the west woods in the dark. The tree roots are worse than Grounder traps.''

''You and O should take turns on Helios,'' he says, standing up.

''I can make the walk,'' I insist, taking his hand to get up off the ground.

''But there's no need to.''

''You're the one that's gotten the living shit beaten out of him,'' I argue back, suddenly annoyed with him, almost angry even, ''Get real, Bellamy.''

''That's-''

''What, different? Because you _wanted_ it to happen! Because you thought you _deserved_ that!''

''Why are we fighting?!''

''Because you have to stop!!!!'' I growl, ''For God's sake, just stop!!! Stop trying to save everyone because you think it's the only way you can save yourself!!!''

I don't see them, but I know everyone's turned around for a stare; I can feel it. Bellamy stands there, eyes glistening, not knowing what to say, because I'm incredibly right and incredibly unfair at the same time, and I know it as does he. I feel a twinge of heartbreak immediately, but the anger in me snuffs it out fast. I grab my knife and the radio from Monty on my way outside.

''My watch,'' I only say, ''And alone.''

No one follows me outside.

*

Standing watch alone makes my anger slowly dissipate, but in turn it only makes more room for everything else. I feel like a good cry would do me good, but I don't have the ability. Pike is gone now, and Kane is in Polis for the delivery making sure our fates aren't sealed with death regardless, and even though everything seems to finally be working out, somehow it feels like it's not, at all. Too many have been hurt in this process. Families torn, friendships broken, trust lost. Who are we if not together? How do we go on after all of this? So many dead. Monroe. Lincoln. Good God. They're really gone. Never to return. Lost in a feud that never should have been allowed to happen.

And I don't want to blame Bellamy. That will be my revolutionary act of defiance, because I refuse to fall into the blame game and circle of revenge. It has to stop now, with this. And when it does, it needs to stay in the past. Because blaming is easy, far easier than admitting that it's the fault of all of us. We all let this happen. The people elected Pike. The people followed him.

Besides, Lincoln's not on him. Bellamy tried to save him. He has plenty of deaths on his hands, on his soul, but Lincoln's is not one of them. He's right about having to redeem himself, and he's got a lot of work to do. Just not about Lincoln's death. That whole deal is about him and his sister, and Lincoln was more than that. He doesn't deserve to have his death used as ammo in the crossfire between Octavia and Bellamy.

I'm tired. We need to heal. The people in this cave right now more than anyone.

_''Hello? Anyone copy?!''_

The radio literally gives me a mini heart-attack. I was so deep in my thoughts that I feel like my chest is going to burst right about now.

''Jasper?! Good God,'' I place a hand on my heaving heart, ''What is it?''

 _''Arkadia's fallen. Don't come back,''_ he says hastily, breathing like he's just run ten miles at a considerable speed, _''Do you hear me?! Don't come back!''_

''What are you talking about?!''

_''The chips. City of Light. ALIE's controlling them. Controlling everyone. They're all gone-''_

''Wait, Jasper, slow down. You're not making any sense-''

 _''BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!''_ he sounds like he could break down crying, and it's enough to have my entire system flooded with ice cold fear, _''I got Raven with me, she's hurt, we need the coordinates, now!''_

When I run back into the cave, everyone's already on their feet.


	31. Chapter 31

''O, wait,'' Bellamy tries to stop her, ''You can't just leave.''

''Watch me.''

''You heard what Jasper said on the radio, Arkadia is not safe.''

''What Jasper said sounds insane.''

''You're right, it does, but Bellamy's right,'' I say, ''If only a tenth of it is true, you won't be safe for long.''

''Whatever,'' Octavia says, gearing up, ''Pike's gone, I can handle myself. Grounders burn their dead.''

''I know that,'' Bell says, ''And then what, where are you gonna go?''

''You don't get to ask me that!''

I already know I should get away from the scene of this conversation, but the best I can do is withdraw closer to the mouth of the cave. Even as I stand watch next to Miller, we hear everything. They're yelling. As hard as everyone tries to filter them out, it's impossible. Even more so now that everyone's waiting in fear for Jasper and Clarke to bring Raven over. Everyone's cold, dirty, half-wet and tired, not to mention hurt, hungry and grieving. Another threat could have waited a damn day.

_''What do I have to do to prove I am on your side?!''_

_''Bring Lincoln back!!''_

''Jesus,'' I sigh through my teeth. How did we become... this? Nathan notices my distress, because I rarely make mine obvious. Over the months he's gotten to know me so well that he's become attuned to every vibe emanating off of me. I don't even have to show an emotion anymore for him to see it.

He snakes an arm around my shoulders and rubs comfortingly for a couple of seconds. Despite everything, it's enough to soothe me.

_''That army could've attacked at any time and you know it!''_

_''But they didn't attack, you did that!! You were hurting and you lashed out cause that's what you do!''_

''It's only now I realize that, on some level, all this time I thought things would simply get fixed by themselves once we get rid of Pike,'' I say honestly, as we watch out into the night, ''He's gone now, but everything he caused isn't. How naive of me.''

''You and me, we gave our best,'' Nate says, ''There's nothing we could have done differently.''

''I'm afraid to believe that,'' I shake my head.

''Don't be. You have to believe it,'' he says, ''You of all people.''

''Nate-,'' I shake my head again, feeling another surge of grief and guilt about to rush over, ''Monroe didn't need to die. Lincoln, he-''

''Stop that,'' he argues, his jaw tensing a bit, ''You yell at Bellamy but you're doing the exact same thing.''

''I'm not! Nathan, I was there, on both occasions,'' I say, ''They both died on _my_ watch. Zoe, she- Christ, she was right behind me back there, and I was supposed to _stop_ the attack, somehow, I was there to do _something_ , and I didn't even m-''

''I said _stop it_ ,'' he grabs my arm now, looks me right in the eyes, ''I mean it. You have to stop this. It's not _your_ fault they died. It's not _your_ fault Pike did what he did. It was never _your_ responsibility to save us. You are one person, Tasha. We were a handful of people in a lair of wolves. We did what we could. Wondering if we could have done more is useless, and a sure way to go crazytown. And the truth is, we couldn't have.''

''Okay.''

''Okay?''

''Yeah,'' I assure him, managing a small smile. He gives one back and it has the power to make me believe it just a little bit more. Smiles like that are rare coming from Nathan Miller. Also, the shouting behind us seems to have turned into arguing, which is also a good thing in my books. I'll take and count any blessing now.

''Grumpy,'' I say suppressing a grin.

''What?'' Nathan asks, squinting at me a little bit, ''Why are you smiling like a dumbass?''

''Just remembered something,'' I shrug.

''What?''

''Back in the old camp, at the Drop-Ship. Before we became friends. I kind of referred to you as Grumpy.''

''What?!'' he scowls and suppresses a grin at the same time, wondering at the absurdity.

''You were always grumpy!''

''That's because everyone always got on my damn nerves!''

''Even me?'' I bat my eye-lashes.

''Uh, you ain't special.''

''Asshole,'' I nudge him, ''The Grumpy thing was kind of an endearment even back then, you know. I always liked you.''

''Nuh-uh, don't try to guilt trip me.''

Octavia walks out, right past my shoulder and it wakes me from our innocent banter that never had any place in this hell anyway. My first instinct is to go get her, but the first step I try to make, Nathan stops me. Bellamy's out to follow her anyway, so we can have twice the worry. But he has to stop her from going right into whatever it was that Jasper warned us about. He's not one to exaggerate, despite everything.

From what I gathered, everyone in Arkadia is a brainless zombie now, but maybe I just got it all wrong.

God, I hope Jessi is okay. If things are as bad as Jasper says, who's gonna protect all those kids now?

Another moment and I hear the sound of a vehicle, knowing who's coming before the bright white light bursts from the darkness and blinds me. All the tension that Nate helped me get rid of just crawled right back into my body.

''They're here,'' he announces to everyone. 

The rover stops and Clarke comes out first. And I don't know about everyone else, but it's damn good to see her. For some reason, just seeing her there reassures me for a moment, gives me some sort of comfort.

''Need your help!!!'' I hear Jasper shout, and I run to him before I can even see him, ''Need to get her inside before she wakes up!!''

Bellamy's right next to me, and when we find Jasper behind the rover, we find him holding an unconscious Raven in his arms, her body limp, almost pale in the moonlight, and definitely thinner than usual.

''Were you followed?'' Bell asks, taking her into his arms immediately. 

''Maybe, I don't know,'' Jasper says. I can't take my eyes off of Raven. Her skin looks sickly, and she looks so weak I would suppose this is what a person looks like after some time of torture. It absolutely shatters my heart to see her like this, and I'm so terrified I don't even notice the wounds on her wrists. When I do, I freak the hell out.

''What the hell is going on?!?!?!?''

''Get her inside,'' Nate says, then turns to Bryan, ''Get to the route radio if you spot anyone, Harper will stay here on watch. I'll take the eastern perimeter. Go.''

''Clear some space,'' Clarke cries the moment we enter the cave, and Sinclair was on task before the sentence was even done. I've never seen him look so terrified, not even when he was facing his execution. It's no wonder, he and Raven are the closest thing to a family they both have.

''What the hell happened to her?!'' he demands as he makes her comfortable, for some reason unable to stop either caressing her face or checking her for a fever. I think he's doing both.

''I told you on the radio,'' Jasper replies, ''Raven is not Raven anymore. None of them are. Jaha's been chipping everyone.''

''Jasper's right,'' Clarke says, ''I've seen it with my own eyes.''

''I don't need your help, alright!!!''

''Jasper, please!!!'' I turn around on the balls of my feet, ''Can you two keep it civil for five fucking minutes?!''

Clarke looks bashful, but Jasper's beyond caring. Octavia stands next to him, looking unsure of what to do. But she's there. And I'm not surprised. She would never abandon Raven in need.

''Everyone just take it easy,'' Bell says, ''And explain.''

''Jaha is using the chips to control people,'' Jasper says, ''You swallow the chip and it changes you, you forget who you are and you see this thing ALIE, only she's not really there. She made Raven slit her own wrists. I was trying to get it out of her head, I was trying to help her but-''

''Ok, let's help her now,'' Sinclair says, ''Did she say how?''

''She was working on building something; she needed one of our old wristbands, but Jaha destroyed all of them.''

''Wait a second,'' Clarke takes a small object out of her pocket, having opened a metal container, ''Does it look like this?''

''Not exactly,'' replies Jasper.

Next happens in a split second. Before I can even begin to realize what's happening, Raven's made for the mouth of the cave, punching Jasper so hard on her way out that he drops face first onto the floor.

''Don't let her get away!'' Clarke screams, but I'm already running, running as fast as I can but it's like something's driving Raven onward beyond her own strength. She's too sick for this. She physically shouldn't be able to do this.

Nate and Harper manage to catch her, Nathan grabbing her first just about two feet away from his post. When Bell and I catch up, it literally takes all of us to keep her restrained. She's thrashing, kicking, elbowing, biting, scratching. Even Jasper and Octavia have to come to our aid. ''I can't see anything!'' she cries out, growling, ''Stop! Stop!!!''

''It's for her to find where we are,'' Jasper explains, ''ALIE will come for her.''

Suddenly, Raven stills, as Jasper injects a sedative into her neck. ''Reaper stick, last dose,'' he explains, but I can hardly bare to look at Raven's limp body that is now mostly in Bell's strong arms. She does not deserve this.

''We have to go,'' Clarke says.

''Why?'' I ask, ''Raven didn't see anything but trees.''

''ALIE doesn't know where we are,'' Bell nods in agreement.

''I know where we can get a wristband,'' Clarke says.

*

When we drive up to Niylah's trading post, I don't know what it is that I expected but it certainly wasn't her pulling out a sword on us.

''I'll talk to her,'' Clarke says.

''I'll go with you,'' adds Bellamy.

''Good idea,'' I say, ''I don't really know your history, Clarke, but I wouldn't really approach _that_ alone and unarmed.''

''Right,'' says Bell, ''T, you stay behind the wheel. Just in case.''

I nod, and they make their way outside, Octavia following in tow. I grow more nervous with every second as I watch them from the rover, just waiting for the moment the conversation goes wrong and violent, ready to jump out, or step on the pedal. Monty offers me an uneasy smile from the passenger's seat, though he's just about as nervous as I am. I give one back, as my leg taps, dancing compulsively against the gas pedal, unable to stand still. Raven could wake up at any moment, and we're out of stuff to drug her with. Sinclair and Jasper won't be enough to hold her back there. 

All of this is unfolding way too slowly.

''She's waking up,'' I hear Jasper say, ''What's taking them so long?''

''They're still talking,'' I reply.

''I'm getting her out,'' Sinclair says, and I turn around to see him scooping Raven up in his arms like a child, and Jasper is opening the back door, and my hand ghosts over the knife at my belt before I say: ''Monty, take the wheel.'' 

We can't lose more time. If conversation needs to be cut short, then that's what needs to be done.

_God, I miss my weapons._

''We have to get her inside!'' Sinclair announces as he carries her, but Niylah is still not budging, it seems.

''I was hoping we could settle this the easy way,'' I say as I stride toward them, hand on my knife, ''But if we can't, I have no problem moving you myself.''

Niylah replies by pulling up her sword, but is interrupted by Bellamy's rifle almost instantly pointed at her face.

''Drop it,'' he says. She doesn't.

''We don't have time for this,'' I say, ''Get her inside!!''

Sinclair is first to almost run in, and I follow right up, leaving Niylah to Bell and not caring about her right now at all.

''I told you guys, my mom was here,'' Monty says, catching up now, ''If she was chipped, ALIE would know.''

''That's why were putting her in the back,'' Clarke says, ''Through there.''

Conveniently, it's a bedroom we find, but the moment Sinclair places her on the bed, Raven wakes up, and gets to thrashing.

''Tie her to the bed!'' Clarke orders, but Raven's already managed to take off her blindfold.

''Where the hell am I?!!'' she growls, and when we try to tie her down, she only screams even more, thrashes even harder, ''Let me go!! Let me go!!!!''

''Raven, stop fighting!'' I can hear Octavia say, but this girl on the bed is no more Raven than I am. The thought is terrifying, but it's the truth. And I'm so bloody terrified right now that I can only step back and stand frozen as they tie her up. Jasper takes another punch before they manage to, but in a couple of minutes, they do.

*

Raven's still fighting, even as she loses strength and stills slowly. Jasper and I are the only ones left in the room with her now, and neither of us can almost bare to look at her. We sit in silence while the others try to figure this shit out. We need to get that thing out of her head. I want my friend back. Then we can help the others.

Abby, Jessi, Wick... Jesus Christ, so many people, just like this. How the hell do we help them?!

''This is insane,'' Jasper breathes out, shaking his head. He looks extremely tired.

I look at Raven again. Every time I do, I feel a bit more of that horrible helplessness. Because here she is, right in front of me, in need of help that I simply cannot give her. She's almost completely still now, tired out. She looks sleepy, even.

''You should go have some rest, I'm good here,'' I tell Jasper.

''Nah, I'm fine,'' he replies, ''And no one's staying alone with her, tied down or not.''

''I think I can handle myself with all of her limbs immobilized,'' I say.

''I wouldn't trust it too much.''

''You, on the other hand, need to step it up. She's punched you twice.''

''And counting.''

''You need to get that cleaned up. Be right back.''

When I leave the room to go find a clean cloth and some water, I find everyone in a circle racking their brains over this.

''Any breakthroughs?'' I'm almost afraid to ask, but I do, grabbing what I need from behind the counter. Niylah's not around. Strange. Could things be going our way for _once_?

''We think,'' Monty replies, ''I'll take the rover, be back by the time you finish the device.''

''I'll go with you,'' says O. 

Whatever it is that they've come up with, they better do it fast, because I have a very bad feeling about all of this. And Raven's spent too much time in the prison of her mind.

It's ticking away, time. And yet again we've wasted it fighting among ourselves when the real enemy was right in front of our noses all along.

_Sound familiar?_


	32. Chapter 32

''I'm fine.''

''You look like a vampire.''

Gently, I clean up the blood on Jasper's face. His lower lip is busted, and I'm cleaning the cut so I don't have to think about Raven's sudden eerie silence. It's freaking me out.

''You think this'll work?'' Jasper asks me.

''It has to. It's Raven we're talking about,'' I reply, ''Even if we have to scale the earth.''

''Yeah, but what if it's- impossible? What if it can't be done?''

''Jasper, it's a manmade machine, I'm pretty sure it can be destroyed. We just have to be careful to do it without hurting her,'' I say, tapping against his cut one last time, ''Besides, 'impossible' shouldn't be in our vocabulary where Raven is concerned. She's done the impossible about a dozen times so far just to save our asses.''

''Come on, don't- don't do that. Raven. What are you doing?''

I turn around to see. Raven's gotten to trying to untie herself again, but there is no way she can reach either knot, and she should know that.

Except she doesn't stop pulling this time around.

''Raven,'' I call, but her name sounds empty off my lips. This isn't Raven.

''Raven!''

The crack of her dislocated shoulder knocks all air out of me for a second, because everything that's happening before my eyes should be, by all rights, impossible. She does not even flinch, there is nothing in her face that would indicate that she's just dislocated her own shoulder in her desperation to untie herself and run away.

''There is no pain in the City of Light,'' she says, and this time she sounds less herself than ever before.

''Guys! Guys!'' Jasper calls for help, because we're going to need it now that we're trying to restrain her again - Jasper and I can't do this alone. ''Help us!!'' I cry out as I hold the arm she's dislocated, my skin prickled with goosebumps, because even though she says there is no pain, I'm still afraid I'll hurt her. And that particular injury hurts like hell. It should have her howling and bending over, but it's like it's not her arm at all.

Clarke and Bellamy run back in to help us just on time; we wouldn't have been able to hold Raven ourselves for a minute longer. She's kicking and biting and pulling and pushing and she doesn't care how much harm she brings to her own self in the process.

''Stop her!''

''Get that side!''

I don't know how I'm doing this. Seeing her like this, I don't know how I have the strength in me. But I'm pretty sure it's all going to hit me later.

Blood on my hands is what makes me freeze up. 

It's not just a spot of blood remaining, or a cut somewhere I didn't notice. It's not just a small amount pooling around a meager wound. It's not even my blood. My hands are covered and dripping.

''Clarke,'' is all I can say, and I'm not sure how she can hear me in this commotion, ''Clarke.''

''She's reopened her wounds!!'' Clarke announces, over Raven's growls and cries, ''She's gonna bleed to death! I need bandages!''

''I got them,'' I hear Jasper say, bringing the bundle of cloth I'd procured.

''Bellamy, take her wrists. Raven, stop fighting us!''

But she won't. My hands are covered in her blood and it's not enough. She doesn't care if she kills herself. She's now banging against the headboard with all the strength that's in her, and I can hear myself begging her to stop now, like she can hear me, while she just keeps hitting her head until I see a small stain of blood on the headboard behind her too and if she keeps this up she might crack her skull and the damage would be irreparable. But she just doesn't stop.

''Raven!!!!''

''ALIE,'' Jasper calls, ''ALIE, ALIE! I know you can hear me! W-why are you doing this to her- Let her go!!!''

''I'll let her go when you give me what I want,'' Raven calms down enough to reply and speaks, but it's not her that's talking, ''The technology that Clarke carries, it belongs to me.''

''No way,'' Clarke says.

''Clarke, just give it to her,'' Jasper practically begs, ''Clarke!''

''If you let Raven die,'' Clarke tells her, ''You'll never get it.''

Another moment, and Raven completely stills. We wait a moment, not trusting it. But she doesn't fight any longer.

''Untie her wrist,'' Clarke says, ''Hold her steady.''

We do exactly that, and once she's done tightening Raven's bandages, with some effort she manages to pop her shoulder back in place too. 

Because that's what Clarke does. They can call her Wanheda for the rest of her days if they want. Before they forced her hand and took her innocence, she was a healer. And she still is.

''She's never gonna stop trying to get away,'' Bell says, ''We can't let her hurt herself again. Someone has to stay with her at all times.''

''Jasper and I were right here, and she still did all this,'' I say, ''It won't make much difference.''

''Still, it's all we can do,'' Clarke says, ''I'll take the next watch. We'll take turns.''

''You don't give the orders, Clarke!''

''Jasper-,'' I start exasperatedly, already knowing it's futile.

''Guess he doesn't forgive you for murdering his girlfriend,'' ALIE taunts.

''Jasper, take a break,'' Bell orders. After a reluctant moment, he leaves, Bell right behind him. I don't like the idea of leaving Clarke alone with Raven, but I need fresh air outside. I feel sick, and I need to be in better shape if I'm going to be of any use to her anyway. I don't plan to take long. So I walk outside.

I leave Bellamy and Jasper to talk privately, at a distance. They might be able to help each other more than I could help either, but the conversation doesn't last very long, or goes very well for that matter. Jasper is the first to go back in, and I could swear I saw him cry. Bell stays a while, wondering if he should follow him or not, then wondering if he should come over or leave me alone too.

I can't move. I need this moment. I just sit on the ground and breathe the night air, until my mind's a little bit clearer and my stomach no longer upset.

''How's your knee?'' Bell asks when he approaches me. He doesn't sit down, so when I start getting up, he offers me a hand. I take it.

''I can hardly feel it,'' I say.

''Sorry, about that.''

''I should thank you. It's better than a bullet,'' I smile, ''You protected me.''

''By hurting you. My signature move.''

''It was the right play,'' I nod, ''You did good.''

''Too little too late,'' he says, ''Just ask O.''

''O needs time,'' I tell him, ''And space. She deserves that much. And I know you wanna protect her as always, but you gotta let her go for a while. Let her breathe. She's hurt and she's angry, and we both know what that's like.''

''I'll lose her,'' he says, ''And I don't want that. I know it's selfish-''

''It's not selfish, she's your sister.''

''But it is,'' he insists, ''I'm so afraid of losing her, T, it's... It's like, she's the one person I thought I could never lose, you know? Even when everyone else leaves. 'Cause she's my sister. And that's just... wrong, and it's selfish of me - not wanting to be alone.''

''You're not alone, Bell-''

''I am, though. And that's fine; I'm used to it. I'm prepared for people leaving, it's been happening my entire life. First my parents, then my friends one by one, you, Gina. And I deserve it too, it's my fault when people do leave,'' he tells me, ''I just wasn't prepared for Octavia leaving. I never really thought that was possible. We fight and we make up, but we stay together.''

''First of all, Bell, you're still her brother. And she still loves you no matter what she says right now. I told you, she needs time. A lot of it too, probably. But she's not gone forever and you have to be patient,'' I say, ''Secondly, people leaving is not always your God damn fault. People dying is not always your God damn fault. And I'm here, Bell. I won't leave you.''

''But you already did, didn't you? In a way,'' he says, ''Not blaming you. I get it. You needed space. People cope in different ways.''

''Well, I'm here now, am I not?'' I step up, make him look me in the eyes, ''You know me, Bell. You know that no matter what's happened between us, you can count on me as I can count on you. Down to die, if need be. That never changed.''

''I know,'' he says sincerely, his eyes showing so much sorrow the way they could never hide, ''But I needed you. When you needed space, I needed... I don't know what the hell I needed but I know it was the complete opposite.''

''I know. And I'm sorry,'' I say, suddenly feeling angry at myself, at the fact that I allowed for so much, ''I know I should have been there for you. It wasn't fair, any of it. Clarke left, and I was so angry at her not even realizing I'd done the exact same thing. I walked away when I should have helped you deal-''

Bell doesn't let me ramble on when he wraps his arms around me, my face buried in his shoulder. The familiar warmth of him in the chilly night wakes something in me that only a small push could turn into an explosion. I'm afraid I might cry, for everything. The smell of him, so very Bellamy, mixed with the smell of the leather he's wearing and the metal and gunpowder from the gun slung across his shoulder - it all comforts me so inexplicably that I wouldn't even bother to try to comprehend. For that long moment I feel so utterly safe, that it's absurd. I also feel something else I don't think I've felt since the Ark - I feel at home.

I don't want to let go.

''I've missed you so much,'' I say, surprising myself, and sounding far more composed than I feel, ''And I'm so sorry, Bell-''

''It's okay,'' he says, his mouth in my hair, his breath spreading goosebumps across my body, ''We're okay.''

''I'm scared,'' I admit what I wouldn't to myself, ''For the first time in a while, actually. That thing-''

''That _thing_ can be defeated,'' he says, pulling back just enough to look at me, ''We won't give up.''

''It's not just Raven, Bell. Everyone back in Arkadia is- is the same... How do we help all of them? And that's not even the worst thing about this,'' I shake my head, feeling like I could laugh at the sick joke the universe is playing, ''It's always Raven, isn't it? Somehow, she's always the one that takes the bullet for everyone. And she doesn't deserve this, Bell. She doesn't deserve all the suffering.''

''I know,'' he says, a glint of that anger he always feels when someone hurts anyone he cares about shining in his eyes, ''I know, trust me. I'll die before I'll let anyone hurt her again.''

That's when we hear screaming. Bellamy is running toward the source before I can even get my brain to run, and by the time we get to Raven, for some reason there is already more blood.

Luckily, not Raven's. That takes only a moment for me to realize, as Bellamy ushers Clarke outside. Apparently, Raven's bitten her. But there's no need to restrain her. She's back to being calm. So what the hell is her play? 

''I let her get to me,'' Clarke tells me when I check in on her, almost bashfully. Like she's a little bit embarrassed that she's let it happen.

''You don't say,'' Bellamy sighs as he helps her bandage her hand right.

''Yeah, but why is she doing this?'' I say more to myself than to anyone else, ''What's ALIE gaining by trying to provoke us?''

''I don't know but I know I won't let her,'' Bell says, ''Clarke should take a break. I'll let her beat me up for a while.''

''Nah, let me first,'' I say, knowing I'm dangerously curious about what she could possibly say to me that could affect me, like I want to know what my limits are, ''Just for a while. Jasper needs a break too.''

Bell looks like he wants to protest it for a moment, but then thinks better of it.

''Alright,'' he says, ''I'll be right outside the door.''

I nod and manage a miserable smile before entering the chamber of hell and dispatching Jasper on his merry way. He looks like he desperately needs to catch an hour of sleep.

I sit in the only chair in the room. At first, Raven doesn't talk to me, doesn't say anything - she only watches me closely, like she's following every nerve of mine. Defiantly, I don't look back. I fiddle with my knife, which is the only weapon I currently have, which I also didn't need to remind myself of. It's made me feel naked the entire time, but in this moment it oddly makes me feel safe.

I want to know so much. There are so many questions left unanswered, so much about ALIE that we don't understand. But I know that even if I asked, I wouldn't get any real answers. Besides, I'm determined to not give her the satisfaction of giving in and speaking first. I know she'll talk. I know she'll taunt.

Any moment now...

''You don't look so good.''

... _Bingo._

I look up. If I didn't know any better, I'd say she looks almost worried. In fact, she even sounded a little more Raven and a little less ALIE just now. She may have even fooled my heart for a second, because it skipped a beat. But I can't be that naive.

''You've had better days yourself.''

''Yeah, but I don't feel any pain,'' she says, again not a glimpse of malice or taunting in her voice.

''Good for you,'' I say, ''Shame that it comes at the price of your soul.''

''My soul is at peace.''

''If that's what peace looks like, I don't want anything to do with it.''

''You'll see soon enough,'' she says, ''You'll understand I'm doing this for you. For everyone.''

''For me,'' I scoff, ''ALIE, please. Raven's fought for me before. _This_ is not what it looked like.''

''ALIE? No. But if it helps you deal, believe what you want,'' she replies, ''The truth is, the Raven that burned three hundred warriors from inside the Drop-Ship is a person I haven't been for a while now.''

''Bullshit,'' I say, ''You can't fool me, ALIE. I know Raven better than you do, even if you are literally inside her head.''

''You'll have to let go one of these days, Tasha,'' she shakes her head, looks at me again with that look of pity, ''You'll have to, or it'll break you. Don't you want to get rid of all of that pain? Don't you want to finally be at peace?''

''If taking away all of my bad means taking away all of my good too - then no. I don't want your peace.''

''Are you sure about that? Are you sure you don't want to forget? Forget your mother's pain, the futility of your father's death? The abuse you endured, the fear, the shame? John's demons, his pain? Everything ugly you did on the ground, all the deaths around you, whether they be by your hand or not?''

''You seriously think any of this is getting to me?''

''Shouldn't it?'' she asks, ''I mean, what's that saying about you, Natasha? Shouldn't you at least feel guilt? What kind of person does that make you? I mean forget about all the nameless deaths, forget everyone you killed in conflict, let's talk about the people you care about.''

''You know, you're truly wasting your time.''

''You let them hang John, then you let them exile him, and once the Grounders found him, you let them torture him. And where is he now? You let Jaha toy with whatever's left of him-''

''Wasting your breath-''

''You let them chain up and torture Lincoln with the amount of cruelty that should have had you shaking. But you weren't shaking, were you? No, you helped. What kind of person are you, Natasha? Hm? Guess what, your redemption is nowhere to be seen. Because even after everything Lincoln did for you, for all of you, now you've let them kill him, too. Your precious professor Pike, the same person that killed an army sent to protect you, the same person that killed Monroe. You're just as responsible as he is, you and Bellamy both-''

''I'm not above gagging you,'' I say.

''You couldn't even protect Finn, the one that was actually worth saving, even though no one else suddenly seemed to believe that any longer. He was your _friend_. He would have risked his life for you a hundred times over, so why didn't you risk yours for him?''

''You know, I'm not kidding about gagging you-''

''Hell, even Raven's leg is your fault,'' she almost spits, ''You were right in there with Murphy, and you let him shoot.''

''If you don't _shut up_ ,'' I growl, towering over her now, knife in my hand, threatening her, and I don't quite realize what I'm doing until I see Raven's face, that familiar, friendly face, and her eyes staring back at me, the eyes that have watched out for me, cried for me, went nights without sleep to protect me. 

For a split-second I could swear ALIE's backed off and I see a glimpse of Raven, but it's gone before I can grasp it. It's enough, though. Enough to tear at my heart. I step back, and my knife falls from my hands and clatters to the ground. The sound shakes me out of it. I pick the knife off the ground and sheathe it back at my belt.

''We're gonna help you, Rey,'' I say, ''Just hang in there.''


	33. Chapter 33

Raven tried to kill herself. Or rather, ALIE tried to kill her. Or maybe it's both - maybe not even Raven knows where one truth ends and the other begins. It doesn't much matter, I guess. She's fine now, or - as fine as she can be. All the pain, everything that was gone under ALIE's influence has come back now, and I know it's hit her all at once. But she's Raven. She won't let it show.

It didn't really last long, waiting for her to wake up. It couldn't have been less than a few minutes, yet it felt like I was in a place where the concepts of space and time don't exist. I was floating through zero matter, spending an eternity. It wasn't about losing another friend. It was about the fact that she would have been permanently destroyed by our own hands, and about the fact that we would have lost. This war, whatever it is, would have been far ahead of us. Because if we couldn't help Raven, we couldn't help anyone.

But we've done it. Which means it can be done for anyone. Which also means maybe Hannah could have been saved. Whatever it was that happened out there, I haven't inquired. I don't need any details; what I need is for it not to destroy Monty completely. For the past four hours I've been trying not to think about either him or Raven, trying not to mentally put myself in their shoes. Knowing their pain will only deter me. And I can't be deterred. I need to understand.

Here's what I understand. The chips somehow delve into the carrier's consciousness. ALIE has eyes and ears through everyone chipped, and an access to everything stored inside their minds. The chip that Clarke has, the one that's been carried by Lexa and all the Commanders before her, is either the other AI or the key to unlocking it. Either way, ALIE wants it, because it's the only thing that can stop her. The holes in my story are numerous, but this thing is evolving, and it's beyond me, and I'll have to fill in the blanks as we go. 

Raven's deciphered a lot of Becca's journal, but there's still much more to figure out there. So far we've only figured out the first step in all of this - only those with black blood can carry the Flame. Only the person who does can understand how to destroy ALIE.

So we have to find Luna.

''Hey,'' Raven wakes me from my thoughts. She looks a bit better now, like she's getting used to the pain again. That thought itself would have been heartbreaking if anyone could afford to dwell on it.

''Hm?''

''Just wanted to say I'm sorry. For everything I said to you,'' she says, ''I think I hit you the hardest, for some reason. I feel like crap, so.''

''Don't,'' I tell her, ''It wasn't you.''

''Some of it was, in all of it. ALIE accessed my ideas.''

''And manipulated them.''

''True, but the information was already there. It'd be easier to lie to myself and believe I was just... a vessel for her, but... The truth is never easy, is it.''

''You don't need this right now, Raven,'' I tell her, ''What with everything we have on our hands already.''

''I know, I just... I'm sorry,'' she says, ''I feel terrible.''

''Don't,'' I say again with an offering of a smile, ''You were very far gone, Raven. The fact that you _wanted_ to say all those things, the fact that you _wanted_ to help ALIE... it's no wonder.''

She smiles back. She accepts my forgiveness, when God knows there's nothing to forgive.

''Eyes sharp, weapons hot,'' Bell announces, ''We're almost home.''

That makes me nervous, but what must be done must be done.

''Nate, come in,'' I call over the radio. Nothing. ''Nathan,'' I call again, but still nothing, ''Harper, are you there?!?''

It could be nothing. They could be safe and in hiding right now. Sometimes, these trash cans we call radios simply don't work. There's a lot of variables that could have disconnected us. They probably left that cave to outrun ALIE, and didn't leave any type of message to us for fear of ALIE deciphering it. Yet it gnaws at me, this feeling that something's happened to them.

When we arrive at Arkadia, it looks completely deserted. The silence is enough to make your skin crawl, the abandonment enough to wrap its ghostly hand around your throat. Somehow, after all that we've so far seen, this is the scariest sight to me. The emptiness has a hold on me.

''We left two days ago,'' Clarke says as we approach carefully, walking up shielded by the rover, ''Why haven't they fixed the gate?''

''Maybe because there's no one here to fix it,'' Jasper offers.

''It's like a ghost town,'' says Raven.

''Nate, are you there? Please answer me,'' I call over the radio again, desperately, ''Where the hell are you?!''

Bellamy looks at me, his eyes rendering his thoughts naked. He shares my fears.

''I don't like this, Bell,'' I admit.

''Neither do I,'' he agrees before he brings his eyes back to the way ahead. We need to stay sharp, and right now, I only have a knife.

''Maybe they got chipped,'' Jasper suggests.

''Shut up, Jasper,'' I grumble.

''If they got chipped,'' Bell says, ''They'd been waiting for us at the cave.''

''Maybe they saw the open gate, went in for Lincoln's book.''

''Maybe you should stop saying maybe,'' O tells him.

''If they are chipped,'' says Clarke, ''ALIE already know's we're coming.''

''Let's get his book and get the hell out of here,'' Octavia hisses. I can understand her hurry. I don't want to be anywhere near this place right now, but I bet it takes all she has in her to not burn it all to the ground.

So we enter the hangar bay. Raven turns around the rover, closes it up, positions it right at the exit. In case we need to make a quick escape, it'll be ready. Bellamy gives out the orders and reminders left and right, but I'm already on my first task. I need to get my bow, and my photograph.

''Hey, hey,'' Bell grabs my arm before I can slip out, ''Where are you going?''

''Just gonna grab my gear. I'll be quick.''

He holds me for another moment, before he reluctantly nods and his hand leaves my arm. I make my way for the Corridor D entrance. Quickest route.

I don't understand why it affects me, this spookiness. But the way even my breathing is loud here, and my feet on the ground a noise almost enough to make you cringe, it's unsettling. I try not to think about it and keep a steady pace. My room is on the other side of Arkadia, and I don't believe in ghosts.

For some reason I half-expect the security system to be off or the passwords to be changed, but the door to my room opens. Even though there's some light entering through the small window below the ceiling, it's still very dark. I turn on the lights, and look.

There's dust already, visible even more now in this light. It's as though we haven't been here far longer than what the truth is. The beds are messy, and they look warm, like it was only a few hours ago that Jasper and Jessi woke up. I can almost see her, curled up on my bed.

I snap out of it. _In and out, Tasha. No tarrying._

I go for the photograph first. I try not to break the frame Bellamy had made as I take the picture out, but there's no point in it. I won't be taking it with me anyway. I barely take a moment to look at the photo before I put it in the back pocket of my pants. I can't have the faces of my parents deter me for even a second.

Next up, clothes. I change into the clothing Rand had procured for me in a time that seems so long ago now. The jacket is warm and sturdy, the leather dark enough to be useful. If I get caught out there, I'd much rather look like a Grounder than a known first priority fugitive.

Maya's mp3 player. What my photograph is to me, this gadget is to Jasper. I won't leave it behind. I put it in the inner pocket of my jacket, to make sure I don't lose it.

Freyja. It's on a shelf in the closet, along with the quiver too. There aren't many arrows left, but I know how to make them now, quickly and effectively. They're better with every new batch, too. I'll need to make more soon, but right now there's no time to think about that. I strap them on, together with a machete.

And finally, a gun. I've kept the M16 under my bed ever since I moved into this place. This was, actually, illegal. All weapons were to be kept in the armory and only the guards were to carry arms inside the walls. I didn't quite care. And I think it's only now that I see it so completely clearly for a moment - the war never left me. And I never left the war.

I get down on the floor to reach the rifle. I stretch out my arm, and the lights suddenly go off. I jump up, startled, though I guess I shouldn't be - with no one to care for maintenance, there's going to be plenty of power shortages around here now. I can't see anything below the bed anymore though; what little light there was coming through the window before has now moved and there's only a strip falling into the room, casting barely a spot on the bed. Then the shutters fall, too, and I'm in pitch black darkness.

Now I'm alarmed. This is wrong. I've unsheathed my machete before I'd made the conscious decision to do it. It's instinct, fight or flight, though right now I have no idea what I could fight or flee from. My heart is beating so loud that my ear-drums are pulsating. I can hear my own fear through my breath, my blood, my bones.

Footsteps, circling me. Someone's in the room with me, and as I turn around in place to try and face them, I cannot defeat the darkness. I'm sure the other person doesn't see me either, but they have me pinned down, so they don't have to. I'm right where they want me to be.

''Who's there?'' I ask, stupidly, like it matters, like they'll answer, like it'll help me. They're an enemy, and that should be enough. Right now I'm at a disadvantage, but I'll cut my own throat before I'll go down without a fight. They're not chipping me. I'll kill myself before I'll let them do it.

The footsteps stop. Right now I'm not sure where the enemy is, but I stand ready for the imminent attack. 

I never stood a chance. When the blow lands on my skull, for that one moment in which I'm still conscious, I have no idea where it came from.

When I wake up, it takes me a long moment just to open my eyes. Pain is bursting through my skull in a way that makes even thinking a torment. Even through closed eye-lids, my surroundings seem red. I force myself to look. When I do, light blinds me, and it sends another surge of pain between my temples. This pain shuts out all else, and as a consequence it takes me too damn long to remember what happened, to figure out where I am, to see what is around me.

Harper sits across from me, gagged and with her hands tied behind her back. But why? What's she doing here? Am I dreaming? It feels like a dream. I look around. The rest of my friends are tied up in a similar fashion. It is only now that I feel the strain at my own wrists too and realize this is reality. I'm tied up. My jaw hurts. We're in an airlock. Sinclair is not here, and neither are Clarke or Bellamy. Facts cluster together to help me gather information, and in another moment I've caught up with events. The man inside this airlock with us is familiar, even with his back turned to me. 

When he looks back and I see Emerson's face, I jump on my feet and tug at my chains, ignoring the pain. I realize I'm tied to the damn wall.

Emerson chuckles. Around me are either scared or sympathetic or angry faces, but Emerson's is amused. I'm the one who woke up last, the one who still hasn't figured it out. A dumb thing.

Now I'm angry.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to accomplish when I tug at my chains with all I've got, still crouching. It hurts, and I don't think I have the strength needed to pull the metal out of the wall anyway, yet I still think that if I put my mind into it just enough, I'll get free. 

I can hear Emerson chuckle again. I don't give him the satisfaction of me even looking at him.

''Ask your friends if that works,'' he says.

My wrists hurt. I can feel that my skin around them is torn and there's going be blood soon, I suppose. My jaw hurts and my headache is at its worst. I can't do this for much longer.

I stop and sit down. Raven's shoulder touches mine and she gives me a look I can't decipher. I try to think.

My weapons. There is no familiar weight on my back, he took them all off of me. When I look through the airlock door I can see all our weapons on the ground where they were shed. And then, in that very moment, I become acutely aware of the knife in my boot. The one weapon he didn't know to look for.

Suddenly, I'm excited - adrenaline rushes through me at this sudden hope. Then I realize the knife is pretty much useless if none of us can reach for it.

Footsteps in the hallway. I look to the source, and sure enough Clarke shows up from around the corner, her hands up in the air.

''I held out my part of the deal. Your turn. Let my friends go.''

''Tell Bellamy to show himself first.''

He knows. Of course he knows. He knew we'd be coming here. He knew where each of us would be going. He tracked us down and picked us off one by one. There is no way Bellamy would escape his notice.

''I don't know what you're talking about,'' Clarke insists. 

Wrong move. I know it before it happens. When Emerson hits Octavia and puts a knife to her throat, I instinctively rush forward and tug at my chains, not thinking, not caring, and another bout of pain shoots up through me. ''No!'' I hear Bellamy's voice cry at the same time, whatever semblance of a plan that he had already falling apart. It would never have worked, whatever it was. Even now, in this moment, I know it. No plan of Bellamy's could ever work with Octavia used as leverage against him.

''Okay, now,'' Emerson says, ''Take out the clip and throw it down the hall. Put the gun on the ground and get inside.''

''No!'' I wanna cry, but it comes out as a desperate muffled sound. I'm still trying to free myself, with every futile effort. Maybe if I could slip my hands through my bounds instead-

''Please, you wanted _me_ ,'' Clarke begs, ''I'll get inside once you let them go.''

''I was talking to Bellamy,'' Emerson insists, starting to cut Octavia.

That's when I lose it, and Bellamy does too. The moment I see some of Octavia's blood trickling is the moment Bell becomes completely defenseless. I keep tugging, it has to come loose-

''Okay, okay!'' Bellamy cries, ''Just- Just stop!''

''No,'' I keep trying to voice out, but Bellamy's already put his guns down. With every step that he makes toward the airlock, I feel my heart sinking a little lower. ''Those are yours,'' Emerson tells him, and once the cuffs are around Bell's wrists too, Emerson pulls out a gun and steps up.

''Get on your knees, Clarke,'' he says, and she obeys. ''Put your hands behind you head,'' he says, and she obeys, and a piece of me dies. When Emerson steps out of the airlock and seals it behind him, I know all of this for what it is. This was never about him killing Clarke - this was about making her suffer.

I can see her beg, but I can't quite make out the words. Emerson props her up, pushes her forward, brings her right against the airlock glass, face first. He puts a gun to her head, holding her in a choke-hold, saying something right back to her, but I don't need to hear it to know what it's about. His face so full of pure hatred and even pain says it all. Why I'm still pulling at my chains, I have no idea, but I can't just sit back and watch him shoot her. Neither can Octavia, apparently - if anyone breaks free any moment now, it will be her.

Then Emerson pulls back. One arm still holding Clarke, the other free enough to hit the red button.

The airlock's alarm goes off. Red lights are blasting, a voice blaring through the speakers the words I already know.

_''Airlock 5. Oxygen venting.''_

This time around, I fight harder than ever. I drag the edge of my heel against the ground repeatedly to make my boot come off, but as much as I'm trying, it's not working fast enough. We don't have much time, and even now it's hard to breathe, and the panic and fear is making me want to cry, and I can't have that. In a few minutes there will be no oxygen at all, so whatever hope there is lies in getting free with that bloody knife and overriding the controls from inside the airlock. Almost there, almost there, almost there...

But there is no time.

By the time my boot falls free and I see my knife clatter its way outside of it, it already hurts to breathe. As much as I'm willing my body to fight, it has no strength. Without oxygen, my heart is in an extreme state of arrhythmia, every small move tiring my body out completely and threatening to make my heart burst. In another few minutes, my brain will suffer so much damage I won't even know how to _think_ to fight back.

And for the first time ever, I think it might actually be over. This is it - the one time when I don't cheat death. I am not invincible. This is where I end.

I sit back, falling still, preserving strength, because if these are the last moments of my life, I don't want to waste them fighting for nothing. I don't want to waste them on anything. I want to look at the faces around me, the faces of those I love, but when I look at my friends - my family - they don't wear the faces I want to see before I go. So I try to remember. I try to paint the faces they should be wearing if fate had been a little kinder to us.

I see Raven smile. She's just figured out one of her mechanical riddles that she's been mulling over for days in her lab, and now she's beat it, achieved her victory the way she always does, and she smiles so wide, and her eyes smile, and when Wick gives her a high-five, she laughs.

I see Jasper and Monty play a game only they seem to understand. We're back at the drop-ship camp, and they're a little drunk off moonshine. I can't hear what they're saying in this waking dream, but it's made Harper smack them both at the back of their heads, and now she's laughing with me.

I can see Nathan, sitting across from me next to a fire. Bryan's fallen asleep with his head on Nate's shoulder, his face serene. Nathan is happy. So am I, as I always am, as I always was in his company. He shares his apple with me. I complain about his dirty knife, he grumbles, I laugh. This one is a memory.

Octavia. We're at the training quarters. Lincoln's there, too, overseeing. Octavia has a taunting smile on her face as she circles me like a cat, ready to kick my ass. My smile mirrors hers, because I've figured out her weak spot, and when I trip her and win the round, Lincoln says something that makes O roll her eyes. She's back on the mattress in a second like the fall never happened, and God, that fire within her, it's contagious.

Clarke. She's treating a cut on my thigh with herbs and clean bandages, and when I tell her it's nothing, the look of concern on her face mixes with outrage. This, too, is a memory. I'd hurt myself on a piece of rusty metal and could have very well earned myself a nasty infection. It happened so long ago, and I've forgotten about it until now.

I'm slipping out, but I fight it, try to last just a minute longer. There is something crawling in the edges of this airlock, or maybe it's just the corners of my eyes, but I know I'll black out any moment now.

Bellamy, Bellamy, Bellamy. I want to get lost in his face, his voice, his touch, the smell of him. I try to summon it, I want so desperately to pull out a memory, but my mind won't let me choose one. 

Even in those days - our first days on this Earth - he was kind to me. He understood, he accepted, and he never judged. He's been my person since the very beginning and up until the very end, and damn it, there is no one moment I can take from him. He is all of them, and in all of me, the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. I can see him laughing, crying, holding me, running with me, fighting with me. I can see him with blood on his face, with dirt on his hands, the flower I placed in his hair. One moment we're making love in a bed, the next we're hiding in a cave, and the next one we're in front of a campfire and then the next one we're counting bullets.

But he's always there. He's always _been_ there. No matter what I do, no matter where I go. Even when we were apart, miles and a possibility of death between us, I carried him within me, a part of me.

I look to him, try to truly do it - with all my pain and sorrow and fear and so much love, I try to tell him. His eyes are just about to fall closed for good, but he's still awake, fighting it, and when his eyes meet mine, I try to communicate everything I want to say. _I love you. I've loved you, since I've known you. With all the bad that's happened, I love you still, I love you in spite of it, I love you because of it. Please know it. Before we go, please take that with you._

In that one moment before blackness swallows me, I could swear I saw him nod.


	34. Chapter 34

When I open my eyes again, I'm pretty sure I'm in some form of afterlife. I was so ready to die, so sure that I would, that waking up again just isn't an option that comes to the forefront of my mind. The lights are blinding me, and that's ironic, because I never believed in heaven, and even if there were one, I don't think I'd end up in it. So where the hell am I?

I open my eyes slowly; why are the damn lights so bright? Or is it just my eyes that are sensitive? Seriously, a blind man would see again in this place, someone needs to take it down a notch. When I open my eyes fully though, and take a moment to get accustomed to the brightness, I realize there's a familiar sight before me. The lights, the ceiling - it's just like my room in Arkadia. Also, I'm in a bed?

''Hey.''

I turn to meet the eyes of whoever just addressed me; is that Bellamy? The lights are literally shrouding him in a shadow. Am I dead?

''Easy,'' he says.

''What happened?'' I ask, instead of asking if I'm dead, because if I'm not then it would be seriously embarrassing. My own voice sounds foreign to me, too.

''You don't remember?'' Bell asks, worry etched in his entire face. The lights are not that bright anymore and I see him clearly. Actually, they're not that bright at all; my mind was playing tricks on me. Why does Bell look so worried?

Blackout. Fighting. Airlock. Emerson. It comes to me all at once. I pull myself up to sit and my hands start shaking. I remember every single detail, every little thing that led up to the moment where I was certain I was to die, and I know that I'm about to have a panic attack. A panic attack I don't want. I don't _need_ this right now - I don't need weakness. 

Bellamy sees it the moment it starts, because he wraps his arms around me so that my back is against his chest. He holds me firmly, but not tightly, and I'm so grateful it almost makes it harder not to break down.

''Alright, you remember. You remember,'' he says, and I don't want to remember, I need to calm down, and he keeps shushing me gently like a baby, and all I can do is pull up my knees and wrap my arms around them and bury my face until this stops.

''Hey. Hey,'' Bell calls, ''Tasha, listen. Look at me.''

He pulls my face up gently, makes me meet his eyes. His calloused fingers on my cheeks are the most soothing thing in the universe right now.

''We're okay,'' he says, ''All of us, we're all okay. Emerson's dead. We're okay.''

I nod. I don't say anything because I can't until I swallow all of this crap back down. I don't want to break. So I just nod.

''It's okay,'' he says again. I can't speak yet, so I just throw myself around him, hug him, bury my face in his chest. His arms go around me gently and in another few moments my heartbeat starts going steady, my breathing too.

''Take your time. It's alright, take your time,'' he says, one of his hands in my hair, his lips against my temple. And we stay like that, the whole world shut out. It's a few minutes until I'm confident that I'm completely composed, breaking the ice to speak.

''Clarke?'' I ask.

''She's okay,'' Bell says, ''She's been trying to wake you up all day. You scared the crap out of me just now, by the way. Thought amnesia caught you. We all escaped brain damage by a hair.''

''All day? Wait, how long have I been out?'' I pull back.

''Hours,'' he says, ''Six, at least.''

I look through the small window. Pitch black outside.

''Jesus.''

''Yeah. Everyone else woke up right away. I think you and O were out cold for longer because you fought the hardest, burnt all your oxygen. But even she woke up, we got her up quickly,'' says Bell, ''With you nothing worked. We were so scared you were gone, Raven is working up a device-''

''Jesus! I have to tell them I'm fine, we have shit to do, what the hell am I d-''

''I'll go tell everyone,'' he grabs my arm to stop me, ''You stay down for a while longer, we're not leaving yet.''

''Bell, I'm fine,'' I insist, ''We can't just lounge around here, stay for as long as we want. In fact, you should have left hours ago! You should have left me! What if everyone came back, what if ALIE had found you here because of me-''

''Are you kidding me?!'' he asks, almost angered, ''Just- Just stop talking.''

''I'm serious, Bell. This isn't safe. If you weren't gonna leave me then you should have put me in the rover and bolted-''

''There was no way in hell I was moving you in that state,'' argues Bellamy, ''Besides, we needed the time. A little rest and pulling ourselves together after what had just happened wasn't such a bad idea. It gave Sean time to reach us.''

''Sean's back?''

''Yeah, he was outside the cave when Emerson came for them, escaped by a hair. I don't think Emerson even knew he was with us. Got lucky,'' explains Bell, ''He came back not an hour ago. You scared the crap out of him too.''

''Is he chipped?''

''You think I'd let him in even with the smallest possibility?'' he asks, ''No, I think he's clean. Now stop worrying and get some more rest while you can. Everything's ready. We've long packed up so we can prepare the funerals in peace.''

Lincoln... What I wouldn't do to have him with us right now. Everything would be different. Everything would be easier.

Wait...

''Funerals?''

Bellamy looks breathless for a moment, voiceless. He goes paler, like I have him cornered over something.

''You weren't there,'' he says, a realization dawning on him.

''For what?''

''Sinclair, he-''

I clasp my hands over my mouth instantly, instinctively. Oh, my God. Not Sinclair. Not him.

And Raven?

''Oh, my God, Raven-''

''She's holding up,'' Bell says, ''I think it's partly because she's been focused on you all day-''

''Oh, my God,'' I bury my face in my hands, shaking my head like I can shake the world out of it. How did everything go so wrong? How did everything get so fucked up? Sinclair didn't deserve this. This wasn't supposed to happen.

''We leave after the funeral,'' Bell says, ''I know it's cruel. We can't even stop to mourn our dead anymore. But we have to go on, for everyone else that we can still save.''

''I know. And I'm not wasting another minute in this bed,'' I get up, still slightly dizzy, the colors around me still seeming more vibrant than they should, ''I need to be with Raven and O right now.''

Bellamy hands me a bottle of water from the shelf, ''Drink. And take it slow. Don't play a hero. If you feel sick, you sit down. Alright?''

I gulp down some of the water that's turned lukewarm. It's still refreshing.

''Sometimes I feel like you forget who I am, Bell,'' I smile.

''Alright, smartass,'' he smiles back, ''Sometimes I wish I could.''

Nathan almost breaks every bone in my body when I walk into the hangar bay. It's funny how I always thought I cared about him more than he cared about me, in a way. Yet in this moment, as he hugs me, it's so clear to me. He's been terrified. I think everyone's watching the scene, because getting a public display of affection from Nathan Miller is like getting a fish to sing.

Raven and Clarke look like they weigh just about ten pounds less after the moment they see me. After working on getting me out of my apparent coma all day, I'm sure it's a relief to see me awake. I never wanted to be a burden, especially not with everything going on. And it'll never happen again, I've mentally made it a point to myself. If I get behind, I'll stay behind. This is bigger than me; it always has been.

Raven gives me a small hug, tells me I've worried them all. She looks like she needs a break, and I wish I could protect her. She's had enough.

''Ge smak daun, gyon op nodotaim ( _Get knocked down, get back up_ ),'' Octavia tells me with a small smile, and when I think she'll clasp my arm or even give me a casual hug, she surprises me by ruffling my hair, then hugging me. Her smile is sad though; I know that even those words remind her of Lincoln. It also seems resigned, like she's made peace with the fact that he's gone. And how could she not, when the wood for the pyre is already prepared.

''Chit nou frag ai op, na teik ai gon mou yuj ( _What doesn't kill me makes me stronger_ ),'' I smile back with a shrug, ''I guess.''

Jasper brings me food, and doesn't say anything. His face says it all. Suddenly, I remember the mp3 player in my pocket, so when I pull it out and give it to him, he looks just about ready to cry.

''Thought I'd lost that,'' he says.

''We've lost enough today.''

''I couldn't lose you too,'' he says, and all I can do is kiss him on the cheek.

We all gather as the guys finalize the pyre, and when I try to help, Monty tells me to sit back down. I comply, probably partly because he's never looked worse. My heart aches for him, too.

Bellamy and Sean bring our dead. I thought maybe they would have covered them with something, made this easier. But seeing them like this, seeing their faces, I don't know what's worse - the way Sinclair looks so alive, like he's asleep and ready to wake up any moment now, or the way Lincoln looks so unmistakably lifeless and gone. He is dead. If it hasn't sunk in by now, in this moment there's no escaping it. His pale skin, the ghastly marks on it, the wound in his head... It takes all that I have in me to just breathe.

Octavia can't manage as much. She's on her feet, crying, placing a kiss on Lincoln's forehead, and all I can do is put a hand on my mouth and try and choke it back. I fail miserably as tears just pour out of me like they have a mind of their own. I can't do this again. I can't watch another friend burn.

But I have to.

With the help of Monty and Nate, the corpses are placed on the pyre. Even if there were time for a memorial, I don't think anyone here would have it in them to speak. Not the strength, nor the decency. I feel so fucking guilty right now that I wouldn't dare open my mouth - if not for Sinclair then for Lincoln. We've all killed him, because we've all placed a gun into Pike's hands. And Sinclair? He shouldn't have even been here. He wasn't Emerson's target, I know it as I know the Sun sets every day.

So I just quietly weep.

''May we meet again,'' Raven says.

''Yu gonplei ste odon,'' Octavia utters, before she lights the fire.

''Yu gonplei ste odon,'' we all follow, but even I can't hear my own voice. I watch the flames grow, fast. In a few moments they completely shroud and consume the bodies of those we cared for. Gone.

''It's time to go,'' O says, her face back to unmistakable composure and determination, before storming off, ''I'll get the map.''

I get it; I understand. Hell, I'd be the same way. Yet I stay back and watch the flames until the very last moment that I can. Jasper keeps me company.

''You think he's with Finn somewhere?'' I ask, not expecting an answer. It's rhetorical, like suggesting a good idea.

''If I try hard enough, maybe I'll eventually believe it,'' Jasper replies.

''Back in the airlock, I was sure I was done for,'' I say, ''It could have been my body in that fire too, and - honestly - for the first time ever, I don't even have it in me to be glad that I'm alive. That's messed up, isn't it? I'm so fucking _tired_.''

Jasper's arm snakes around my shoulders and he squeezes my forearm. ''We're all tired,'' he says, ''We'll rest when we're dead. Which won't be very soon, so you need to shut the hell up.''

''Right. When did our roles reverse?''

''Literally three minutes ago when you started sounding suicidal.''

I smile. He smiles back at me. I'm not suicidal, that's not what this is, and he knows it too, otherwise we wouldn't be smiling. We'll pull through.

I turn back to the flames one last time. In my mind, I say my last goodbyes.

''Kom chilnes yu na ban sishou-de au, kom hodnes yu na hon neson-de op ( _In peace may you leave this shore, in love, may you find the next_ ),'' I whisper to the wind.

''Come on,'' Jasper says, ''Time to go.''

I don't have much to take with me, really, so with the photograph in my pocket and the bow slung over my shoulder, everything else is not as important. I check my gear one more time though, and go over our weapons with Bellamy. I feel good about having a rifle close at hand, but the state of our ammo worries me. Although we might not even have to use weapons on this little trip of ours, I always like to have extra ammo. And by ''extra'', I mean ''way too much''. I've become paranoid about that and I know it. I don't try to fight it.

''All set,'' I say. Instead of ''Oh, my God, we'll run out of ammo and die.''

''Hey, we're leaving,'' Bellamy calls out to everyone, ''Why aren't you ready?''

''We're not going with you,'' Raven says. Clarke and I turn around. Neither Raven nor Monty look like they plan to move two feet.

''Raven-''

''I can barely walk and my shoulder's killing me,'' Raven says, ''But my brain is all kinds of awesome.''

''She remembered that ALIE downloaded herself into the Ark mainframe,'' explains Monty, ''If it's still there, we can find a back door.''

''I'm guessing once you connect ALIE 2 to Luna,'' Raven adds, ''We'll need to find ALIE 1 to take her down.''

''Right. Miss Hacker,'' I smile, ''Are we seriously that sure this is safe? You're all that confident ALIE won't come back?''

''We'll keep them safe,'' Nate says.

'' _I'll_ keep them safe,'' Harper smiles.

''I appreciate your confidence, guys, but if ALIE returns, that won't be enough,'' I say, ''I'm serious.''

''And I'm telling you to trust me,'' Raven says, a hint of her old playfulness glittering in her eyes. I lift my hands in surrender, backing off. I'm outnumbered.

''T. You should stay too,'' Bell says, ''I know you. You don't feel too good, and you can't hide it from me.''

''I'm fine. You know I wouldn't sit this one out for the world,'' I reply, ''Besides, Rand's told me a few things about Luna's people. You might need me.''

''How about you?'' he asks Jasper, knowing he could never really argue with me, ''It's gonna be dangerous.''

''You know me well,'' Jasper says, ''I'm in.''

So we hug and we say our goodbyes before Bellamy, Jasper, Clarke, Octavia and I make our way toward the rising sun. A new day dawns before me once more, when I was so sure I'd never witness it again. What does any of it mean? What's the point?

Beats me. But I still fight.


	35. Chapter 35

I hate driving at night. 

Sometimes, driving can be relaxing, but keeping a steady pace in an unknown territory with limited visibility - that can't be anything but stressful. We all have to earn our keep somehow though, right? This is what I do until we reach Luna. I'm the best driver, and seeing as Bellamy drives all day, he needs to sleep some time. Besides, ever since my little coma escapade, I haven't exactly been eager to go to sleep. Maybe it's weird, but it's the truth. I don't want to develop some weird phobia, but I can't help what I feel.

I'm never alone. It's the third night in the row that someone stays awake with me. Tonight, it's Clarke. We don't really talk, but that's fine. I wouldn't have asked for this, but I'm secretly grateful. There's something incredibly unsettling about the silence and being alone with your own thoughts at night, and I've listened to all the songs in this damn rover so many times that I'd rather put a bullet through my brain than turn the music on.

It's not exactly awkward, being just me and Clarke alone, but it is odd. It's only now that I realize in just how long the two of us haven't even had a normal moment together, a slice of decent conversation. Clarke and I have been friends and not-friends on intervals, over and over again, but we've both changed so many times since I've met her that I'm not sure who the people sitting together right now really are anymore. Where do we stand? So much has happened on my side while she was gone, and I can only imagine just as much has happened on her side of the story. I spent so much time being angry with her that she'd left us, not realizing it was equally difficult for her without us.

''I'm sorry,'' I say, surprising my own self, really.

''For what?'' Clarke asks.

''You know, when this whole thing started, you and Bell took the lead because you were two polar opposites, and someone had to keep him in check, and who better than you. But then, it all went wrong,'' I say, ''We shouldn't have got to ask so much of you. We made you our leader never asking if that's something you wanted or if that's something you thought you were capable of. Whenever we were in an impossible situation, we expected Clarke to have the answers. When Clarke didn't have the answers, we blamed her. We expect Clarke to work miracles. Clarke is just a girl.''

I glance to meet her eyes for a moment. She looks at me, eyes glistening, before she goes back to watching the road ahead. She swallows something.

''I chose this,'' she says, ''I kept going. I kept playing the leader because I thought I could be up to the task. None of this is on you.''

''My point is, it's not fair. We expect too much from you - _I_ expect too much from you. I was so angry when you left us, I can't even begin to tell you.''

''I know. It's... understandable.''

''You're not doing this alone anymore,'' I say, ''We split the burden. Leave some of the difficult for me. Alright?''

She hesitates, before she glances back at me and gives me a small smile. ''Alright.''

''Good,'' I say, ''Now tell me why I feel like we've been going in circles for the past two hours.''

''Because everything looks the same around here,'' Clarke replies, ''But no, we haven't. You're on the right track.''

Silence again. This time, more pleasant.

''I'm sorry about your dad,'' she says after a while. Something slices at my heart, but it's only for a moment. Time is making things easier, I know; and besides, I can't be distracted. I don't give her a reply, because I don't know what to say.

''I'm sorry I wasn't there,'' she keeps on, ''I know that, if I'd been there, things might have been easier. You and Bellamy-''

''No, Clarke, that's not on you,'' I shake my head.

''Maybe not, but we're family. We're supposed to be there for our people. And my absence put a strain on everything. It tore you and Bellamy apart; I wasn't there so we could split the burden,'' she says, ''I know this. With everything going on, the aftermath of the Mountain and Pike and the Ice Nation... I just- I wasn't there.''

''Yeah, well, you had your own shit to deal with,'' I say, ''You did what you could, Clarke. Don't think we don't know what it took.''

''By the way, I never got to tell you,'' says Clarke, ''Murphy's in Polis.''

''What?'' I almost mess up my pedals, ''What's he doing in Polis?!''

''Long story. The point is, he's safe for now. I think,'' she says.

''You think.''

''Yeah. Too close to Ontari for comfort. But you know Murphy. Count on him to wiggle his way out of anything.''

''Jesus,'' I mutter, ''This is his talent. Somehow, he'll always find a way to get himself in the middle of something he shouldn't have anything to do with.''

''And survive,'' Clarke adds, trying not to grin, but we both end up bursting into giggles. I haven't laughed in ages, and I'm guessing she hasn't either. You take what you get. Also, knowing Clarke's ugly history with Murphy, it's safe to assume they've straightened some things out.

''We'll get him out of there,'' she nods in an after-thought, confirming my assumptions. I'm tempted to ask her about details of what happened, but even if half of what I've heard is true, I don't want to bring up the pain. So I leave it be.

Clarke dozes off by the time the Sun has its first thoughts of coming up. I don't wake her. I follow the map by myself, until the sun-rays burst over the ridges of the mountains. It's blinding, seeing as we're going east, but it's also beautiful, almost hopeful. What could be more comforting than the promise of a new day? No matter what happens, one thing is certain - that Sun will keep on emerging in the east every day until a Supernova.

I can hear the rustling of someone waking up behind me, and I already know it's Bellamy. He works like a clock.

''Mornin','' I smile into the visor. He looks so much younger in that one moment between dreams and reality, eyes still sleepy and hair even more than his usual mess. That, too, is somehow a hopeful sight. Like somewhere deep down in all of us, the old versions of ourselves still exist. 

Bellamy stretches, moves the hair out of his eyes, before he gets up to switch places with me.

''That's good night for you,'' he places a hand on my shoulder, smiling back. 

''Aiite,'' I stop the car and switch with Bell. Octavia stirs as I make my careful way to the back, but she doesn't wake up. I grab one of the protein bars out of Jasper's pack - Arkadian special - and throw one at Bellamy. He catches it expertly.

''Drivers gotta eat,'' I say, before I make myself comfortable in the back. I catch a smile of his, but the moment I swallow the last of the thing, sleep takes me.

I wake up to the sound of quiet chatter and the rain pattering against the rover. I think I dreamt of John back on the Ark, but I don't remember most of it. When I open my eyes, I guess that it's pretty late in the afternoon, though the clouds have concealed almost all of the sun.

I like this rain. Back in the old camp and in Arkadia, I liked to sleep to the sound of it. It's slow and gentle, and if you can find a window to watch it from the inside, it's one of nature's finest.

But right now, we need the sun.

''Great, the rover's gonna die on us,'' I mutter.

''Good morning to you too,'' Jasper says.

''Where are we?''

''It's been an hour since we passed the airplane wreckage,'' he holds up the map, ''Seeing as we're using a map without any distances it could be days before we reach the village.''

''Yes, we know,'' Bellamy says, ''But we're going in the right direction.''

''Let me see,'' I rub my eyes, my voice hoarse, before Jasper hands me Lincoln's book. I can guess where we are on the map, but that's just it - a guess.

''We're running out of daylight,'' Jasper adds, ''We should stop for the sun to recharge the battery.''

''What sun?'' Clarke grumbles.

''It was there this morning,'' I grumble back, giving Jasper the map back.

''Yeah, but if this was the old world, you would have been in another state this morning,'' Clarke says, ''We keep going until it dies.''

''We keep going until we get to Luna,'' says O.

''Is this her?'' Jasper holds up a drawing.

''Yes.''

''What do you think she's gonna say when we show up asking her to put an AI in her head?''

''Lincoln said she helps those that are in trouble,'' O replies, ''She'll help us too.''

I want to agree with Octavia after all I've learned about the ocean clan, but I can't help realizing that Jasper has a point. It's worth being worried about.

The rover stops, a bit too suddenly.

''Think you can help us find a better map?'' Jasper asks.

''Already?'' I wonder out loud.

''It's not dead,'' Bell replies, just as I get up to see what's stopped us, ''We'll backtrack, somewhere where the trees aren't so bad.''

As I expect Bellamy to pull back, I don't even realize what's happened by the time Octavia's barged out of the rover.

''Hey!'' I call after her, ''O!''

''Guess we're going on foot,'' Clarke says as we all get out to follow, but at least the rain's let up. Mostly. Silver linings.

Adjusting the quiver on my back, I rush after Octavia, jumping over the fallen tree trunk on our path. She keeps going a ways ahead until she pauses suddenly, commanding a ''Stop!''. I freeze instinctively. I've learned by now to rely on Octavia when outside. She reads the trees the way I read a book.

''What is it?'' I ask, hands ready to pull out Freyja.

''You hear that?'' she asks. I listen.

''Water,'' Clarke speaks my mind.

''Eyes sharp, they could be hostile,'' Bell warns.

''They're not hostile!'' Octavia insists, ''Put the guns down.''

With the last lingering look at the rover, I try to remember where we left it in case of backtracking our steps. We might need that baby again, and besides, I've almost grown attached to the damn thing. Jasper's the last one to catch up, a big backpack on his back. Then we all keep a steady run, Octavia at the lead. 

Very soon, we find the river. Then we follow its course, heart thumping with excitement as we run. We're close. _We can actually do this._

I don't know how long we've been at it by the time we've outrun the forest, but as soon as we break out of the trees, we find it. The coast. The great sea ahead.

And no village.

''Where's the village?'' Jasper asks. I find that I'm about to start panicking.

''There's nothing here,'' I state the obvious, getting steadily alarmed.

Octavia stares at the map again. We have to have missed something.

''Oh, no,'' she says, ''No, it can't be.''

''What?'' I call after her, but she's already running ahead. Confused as hell, we follow, until we find a landmark that looks exactly like Lincoln's drawing.

But it's just rocks. Placed in a circle and built one upon the other - there's nothing but a whole lot of rocks.

''So that village is just a bunch of rocks,'' Jasper says.

''It has to mean something,'' I say, ''They built this for a reason.''

''She's gone,'' Clarke whispers, horrified.

No, _this can't be._

''What do we do now?'' Jasper asks.

No one has an answer. I keep staring at these rocks, one after the other. Octavia's scream comes almost from the heavens, breaking out, clawing at my insides. _This can't be._

''We'll make camp here,'' Bellamy says, always the voice that gives us something to do when everything seems hopeless, ''We rest, see what we're gonna do later.''

We all silently comply. We know well enough to leave Octavia alone where she's distanced herself, let her scream and cry it out for a while. Everyone with a task of their own, we start setting up camp for the night. 

It's gotten dark by the time Octavia's come back to join us. I help her light a fire, and I bring some food out of Jasper's backpack for everyone to share. For a while, we just sit there in silence, eating and trying to get the chill out of our bones. All the conversation that ensues is lost on me. My eyes are glued to nothing but the drawing and the rocks around us, my mind consumed by nothing else.

This is here for a reason. These rocks, whatever the hell they are, serve a purpose. They look exactly like Lincoln drew them. That can't mean nothing. It's a landmark of some sort, a sign-post maybe even. If we knew how to read it, maybe it'd tell us how to find Luna and her people.

But we can't read it. How could we? I can only assume there aren't many Grounders who are not of Luna's clan that would actually know the way.

Or maybe I'm wrong about all of this. But I can't afford to think like that. Sinclair didn't die for nothing.

''Take a break,'' Bellamy nudges me. I look up for the first time.

''I can't,'' I say, ''I feel like the answer's right here, in front of our noses. Literally staring us in the face. Only we're not meant to see it.''

''It's not your responsiblity to solve the riddle,'' he says, taking the book out of my lap and putting it on the ground, ''We'll figure this out together. But we need rest. Real rest. Give your brain a breather.''

I sigh the loudest ever, before burying my face into my palms, rubbing the exhaustion out of it.

''Come on, we're going for a walk,'' Bellamy says, taking me by my wrist to stand up, ''We have to check the perimeter, and you look like you could use it.''

He's right, again. I still feel a bit weak - it comes in bouts - because I've never really had the chance to regain my strength properly. I don't eat or drink nearly enough - neither of us do - and I've spent the past nights driving at full alert and napping during the day. The rest of the time has been consumed by this damn map. I need to relax and clear my brain, even if for a moment.

I leave Freyja behind and take the M16 instead. Then we make our way into the tree-line.

We're cautious for a while, silent until we've done the mandatory scan. We weren't followed, and I haven't noticed a sign of another human for as long as this patch of turf stretches. Which is equally worrying as it is a relief - where are Luna's people?

''All clear,'' I say, before I sit myself on a large rock. It's probably still wet, but I couldn't care less. The air here seems almost more clear than back home, more cold and refreshing. Maybe it's the salt of the ocean that makes it seem like that. Either way, I find that it's pleasant, almost relaxing. I want to take a moment.

Bellamy sits beside me. He looks as tired as I feel, or maybe even more so.

''We'll figure this out,'' I say, not particularly _meaning_ it, because I can't be sure, yet I still want to comfort him, ''We still have time.''

''Every second is precious,'' he says, ''Another life could be lost to ALIE with every minute.''

''We're close,'' I say, ''We've come all this way. It can't be for nothing.''

''Rand ever told you anything about this?''

''No, he never mentioned... well, this. The weird stones and all,'' I say, ''But he did say that Luna's people are cautious. Reclusive. Which is why those stones won't leave me alone. They mean something.''

''They mean something to _them_ ,'' Bell says, ''If they're out there.''

''They're out there. And if Raven can hack into ALIE then we can figure out a bunch of stones on a beach and what they mean,'' I say, ''We just... we need to gather all the information we have, work through it, and crack the code.''

''Right.''

''You know what's bothering me, though? The one thing that's been gnawing at me in the back of my mind all this time.''

''What?'' Bellamy asks.

''If they've left Arkadia, and they're not following us... where the hell is ALIE?''

Bellamy doesn't reply. He doesn't like the question, because he doesn't like the possible answer. He also doesn't like the fact that he's been too preoccupied to think about any of that at all. He frowns, looking ahead.

''She's taken Arkadia,'' I say, ''The only thing logical would be for her to start taking Grounder settlements. Which wouldn't be as hard as taking Arkadia. Eventually, she'll work her way into Polis.''

''We might get to her before that happens,'' says Bell.

''If we don't, then we have a whole army after us,'' I reason, ''Literally anyone who is not us will be a danger. That's the next step, Bell. If she can't chip us, she'll kill us. She knows we're trying to destroy her. We could ruin everything she's done.''

''And we will,'' he says, ''You said it. We're close.''

''We are,'' I nod, ''Kane is in Polis. Murphy too. If we don't hurry, they'll be alone.''

''I brought you with me so you could give your brain a breather,'' Bellamy says, a hint of a hopeless smile on his lips, ''You seem to be physically unable.''

''Apparently so,'' I shake my head, grinning tiredly. Then I decide to really try and turn my brain off. 

I close my eyes for a moment and take a deep breath. I become distinctly aware of the smell of the ocean again. I don't think about anything, mind a blank. I relax. When I open my eyes again, I notice the way the moon is reflecting onto the water that glimmers through the trees. I rest my head on Bell's shoulder. We enjoy the silence for a while.

''You're right, this _is_ helping,'' I say.

''Told you.''

For the second time in the past twenty-four hours, I share a laugh with someone. 

Like I said, you take what you get.

Bellamy's hand finds its way into my hair, his fingers drawing circles against my scalp in a way that relaxes me even more. I could fall asleep here, on this rock. More than the ocean and the moon and the silence, I find that it's his presence that brings calm to me. It's always been like that, too. When I look back, whenever we were in a crisis, it took only being near him to keep me steady. His touch, his warmth, the smell of him... it almost creates this illusion of safety, like a protective bubble around me.

Still sleepy on his shoulder, I look up. Though tired and torn and broken, he's still as beautiful as ever. The moonlight is casting a silvery glow over his features, the gentle breeze moving the locks of his hair against his face. He's as breath-taking to me as he's ever been.

Sensing my eyes on him, he takes his eyes off the ocean ahead and looks down at me. I smile, and he smiles back. And I want to kiss him.

I instantly feel disgusted with myself. I feel guilty and I feel like I'm a terrible fucking person. What I want doesn't matter. I don't get to do what I want, not after everything I've done. It feels like Gina was with us just yesterday, just like at the same time it feels like it was ages ago. I could never do that to him. I could never put him in that position, play with his heart and boggle his mind like that. What I feel doesn't matter. He's no longer mine, not in that way.

I look down. He must've sensed that something's on my mind, that something's bothering me. I can't even assume anything else when he lifts my face up.

Then he kisses me.


	36. Chapter 36

These kisses come in stages.

For a moment I feel like we're back where we were months ago, outside the Drop-Ship camp, two almost completely different people than we are now, not as broken, not as damaged, fighting the same battles but different foes, finding comfort in each other. The very next moment it's all completely new, like we've never kissed before - fiery and all-consuming and strange and wonderful in ways I've never experienced.

And then it gets painful, the way I never thought a kiss could be.

It's like a knife in my heart and I'm not even sure why. Is it because I've missed him so? Is it because I feel regret for ever putting this distance between us? Do I feel guilty for abandoning him when I shouldn't have, when he needed me? Or is it Gina's ghost that's haunting me? Or is it all of it?

It's probably all of it.

It's like he has no intentions of stopping this, his fingers gentle on my face, in my hair, on my neck. It's almost physical effort, letting my lips disconnect from his. It takes all I have in me to pull back, all the strength I can muster. His hand is still cupping my jaw when I do, and when he looks at me, he looks so torn. Not apologetic like I do, but torn. Like he's not sure what he's done, what he wants to do, or what he's supposed to do. And lost. A lost boy beneath the strong man.

I shouldn't have let this happen. I shouldn't have put this burden on him. He's dealing with enough guilt as it is, enough crap that he can't really understand. He doesn't need this.

''I can't,'' I say, feeling like something heavy is pressing against my chest, ''I'm sorry.''

He doesn't say anything. In fact, he's not even really looking at me anymore, his eyes have gone blank, like he's seeing through me. It's like he's gone to a place where all he's wanted to forget is now coming rushing back to drown him. And I want to say something, to make this better if not to fix it, but there's this lump in my throat that won't allow me more than a breath. And I can't make it even harder by starting to cry, not here in front of him at least. So I do the only thing that comes to mind.

I get up and walk away.

 _I just left him sitting there_ , I think, somehow managing to feel even more disgusted with myself. But then again, maybe that's what he needs. A moment of solitude and silence to sort out his thoughts and put himself back together. I know I need more than a moment, as I'm walking back to camp trying not to break into tears. I need a whole lot of time, the time that I don't have.

_Breathe, Tasha. Just breathe. Don't think about it. You can't let anyone notice that something is wrong._

Except that Jasper does notice. He always notices.

''Hey, everything alright?'' he asks me when I sit down next to the fire, ''Where's Bellamy?''

''Yeah, all good,'' I say, putting on the appropriate act, ''He went for another round. Just in case, he said. He'll be right behind me.''

Jasper seems to accept the reply, but I'm not too sure he believes it. Either way, I'm grateful he's not pushing it.

It takes me less than a moment to realize that, while we were gone, the situation in camp has been just about as bad as ours. Jasper still won't talk to Clarke unless necessary and otherwise treats her like she doesn't exist, and Octavia's not really in the mood for acknowledging anyone's existence. You could cut through the tension with a knife.

This is an emotional kill-box; this is where your spirit goes to die. Talk about ''out of the frying pan, into the fire''. I need to get out of here for a bit, and fast.

''O, can I try again?''

She looks up from Lincoln's book, and I'm not sure if she's reluctant or grateful to give it up to me. I think it's both. She could use a break as well.

I take the book and get up to move a bit further ahead. I find a place at the edge of the shore, my feet right outside the line of water.

The sound of the ocean. The distance from all of them. And a task to consume my mind, so I won't think of Bellamy.

At first, it proves easier said than done, especially since I've seen him come back, rifle in hand, no sign of earlier disaster anywhere on him. It absolutely shatters my heart. So I dig into the book. I have to.

And what a book it is. Lincoln was an artist. And I'm not just talking about the way he drew, or the way he shaded and even made colors on some of these pages. This whole book is a work of art. It is so... eclectic, and equally wonderful no matter how many times you go through it. It is a testament of an era, and at the same time it's a preserved piece of the artist himself, a piece of his very soul.  
  
In a way, Lincoln lives through this. So long as this book exists, so long as what we've learned from it exists and so long as we remember him - Lincoln exists. Even now as I'm going through the pages, it's almost like he's here. Like he's telling me all these stories, showing me all these pictures. The story-teller that he was, the teacher, the healer, the artist. Lincoln was a warrior because he had to be, but he was an artist because he chose and loved to be.

God, I can't even imagine what Octavia's going through. Every time she goes through these pages, it's like she's going through his life.

Lincoln didn't write much; it was all very concise. An occasional journal entry, a re-telling of a myth or legend. I feel awful skimming through the journal entries - I am invading something way too personal and intimate - but I have to go through it all in case we've missed something. As for the stories, I'm not quite sure why he wrote them down. Did he mean to pass them on? Leave the knowledge in written form lest the generations to come forget? All these bits about Becca Pramheda, the traditions ever since... In a way, he's preserved a culture.

I must have sat here for at least two hours, reading through, trying to fix the riddle of the damn stones on the beach. Nothing. There is nothing here on Luna that I don't already know, and the only thing telling how to reach her is the blasted map.

Why, Lincoln? Did you think it would be an obvious answer? Or did you simply do your best to protect Luna and her people and keep their secret?

''Hey,'' Jasper says as he sits down next to me.

''Hey.''

''You've been gone a while now,'' he says, ''Just checking in.''

''I can't figure it out,'' I sigh, closing the book, ''Whatever the answer is, it's not here.''

''Maybe you should sleep on it,'' he says, ''In fact, I feel really bad for leaving Octavia right now, so how about we head back to camp?''

''Ooh, right,'' I remember Octavia doesn't particularly like neither Clarke nor Bellamy right now, ''You should go. Keep her company. I'll stay here for a while.''

''Okay,'' he says, making himself even more comfortable instead, ''What's wrong?''

''You mean, apart from the fact that an evil AI is chipping people and trying to kill us?''

''Yeah.''

''Nothing.''

''Bullcrap.''

''I'm just- I needed a break, that's all.''

''Right,'' Jasper says, ''Okay. Then I'm just going to ask Bellamy what _not_ happened.''

''Wait,'' I grab his wrist as he pretends to get up and leave, ''Jesus. I forgot how pushy you can be.''

''Says the girl who managed to make drinking myself to an early grave miserable for me,'' he replies.

''Ha ha. Point taken,'' I say. I'd rarely let Jasper out of my sight during those three months, true, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't partly doing it so I wouldn't have to focus on me instead. Besides, he doesn't have to take care of me to pay off any kind of debt he thinks he has to me. There's no obligation here. I want to say as much, but then I'd earn myself another lecture about how I'm a dumbass and he's here for me because he's my friend, not because he feels obligated. And deep down, I know that's true. I just feel like my old defense mechanisms are being re-established. It's instinctual.

''So?'' he asks, ''What happened?''

Oh, crap. Now I have to mentally re-visit it.

My heart threatens to smash its way out of my chest just by getting ready to speak.

''Bellamy kissed me,'' I just spit it out, closing my eyes like I can get it done and over with faster.

''Wow,'' Jasper says, ''Okay.''

''Right?!'' I turn to him, ''Like, what was he thinking, and what was _I_ thinking? Why th- How the hell did I even get us into that situation?!''

''Calm down,'' he says, ''Okay? Just- Easy.''

''I've been trying to calm down for two hours now-''

''The fact that you put every single responsibility on your shoulders when it comes to him is ridiculous. You don't do it with anyone else.''

''I-''

''No, what makes you think it was specifically you who got you into that situation?''

''I had the control t-''

''It takes two, T. Stop doing that. I know he has a lot of guilt that he carries around on his back, so this is your way of trying to take away some of that burden, but it's his. It's his guilt to bear. What you're trying to do - that's not how it works. You mentally taking up some of it does nothing except weigh _you_ down. Whatever happened between you two, you're equally responsible.''

I don't know what to say. Again, Jasper's right, and I know it deep down, but I refuse it. So I don't say anything. I wonder at how he changed so much from the moment we met, and though it's no wonder that all the crap that hit him has made him wiser, I almost miss the careless boy. In fact, right now, I think I'd do anything to bring back his innocence, to bring it back to all of my friends. Sometimes I forget that Jasper's a whole year younger than me, if not more - what is he, seventeen? - and I seem to forget what he should be if life had been just a bit more fair to us. He should be just a kid.

''And maybe, he wasn't thinking at all,'' Jasper adds, ''And neither were you, a-''

''Exactly!''

''... _And maybe that's a good thing_ , for once.''

''What?'' I ask.

''I'm just saying that, maybe, we all think too much all the damn time,'' he explains, ''Especially you. When was the last time you did something just because you felt like it?''

''Jasper-''

''No, I mean, think about it,'' he says, ''If there's one thing I've learned it's that there's about a million ways to die here on Earth by literally not even doing anything. One minute you're here, the next - _poof_.''

''I know that.''

''I know you do. Which is why you're doing the wrong thing by building walls around you instead of using the time you have,'' he says, ''Do you have any idea what I'd give to just- to have just a bit more time with Maya?''

He hasn't said her name in a while. None of us have. It almost sounds foreign on his lips, and I hope I haven't winced. He's come a long way, not breaking down momentarily, but the shakiness in his fingers and the way his eyes are glistening are enough to make your heart break. It certainly breaks mine.

I place my hand over his, squeeze just a little bit.

''You're not replacing Gina,'' he says, ''Just like she wasn't replacing you. I know you love each other, I know you always have, but if you want to be together in the time you have, you have to make peace with that.''

Jasper gets up off the ground and places a kiss on my hairline before he leaves. I tremble, angry at myself for getting emotional, angry at Jasper for being right. Everything is too much. Why does he have to be so bloody honest? That's Nathan's job. Nathan tells me the brutal truth and lets me hate him for two hours.

But damn it, he's right. He's right about everything, especially about me building up my walls again. I mean, isn't that why I pushed Bellamy away in the first place? After losing dad, it was hard. I didn't want to lose anyone else, I felt that I _couldn't_ , that it would literally destroy me. I was in a very dark place. I was always there for everyone else - for Jasper especially - but I never let anyone come too near me. It's been a one-way road for a while, and it's taken a toll on me.

I can't think about anything else. I definitely can't think about Bellamy, and I can't think straight at all with Gina haunting me. I feel so fucking terrible I almost wish I could apologize to her. Is that messed up? I'm pretty sure it is.

''It will be dark soon,'' Clarke says once I make it back and we're all present, ''We need to talk about what we're gonna do.''

''Just don't ask me,'' I say as I throw the book to Octavia, and she catches it expertly. I haven't even looked at Bellamy once since I sat here. We'll have to confront this eventually, but not tonight. Maybe not even in days to come.

''We'll wait until first light,'' Octavia blows on a timber and places it in the firewood, so the flames go wilder, ''Then we'll split up and search the shore in both directions.''

''I agree,'' Bell says, reaching for the book, ''Lincoln wouldn't have put this spot on the map unless it was important.''

''Don't touch that!''

''Come on, O. How long?''

''I don't know,'' O says, ''I can't even look at you because every time I see you I see Pike putting that gun to Lincoln's head, I hear the gunshot, I see him fall.''

God, why am I in pain? I feel so much for both of them, it's unbearable. The remaining three of us just sit here and listen, because what can we do for either of them? I hate this so much. When I look to Clarke, her expression is just as pained when she meets my eyes, before she looks down, because this is private, despite the fact that it's happening in front of us, and it's personal, and it's none of our business. No one can, nor should, come between Octavia and Bellamy. So I take a branch and play with the embers in the fire, not knowing what else to do.

''I didn't kill Lincoln.''

''No, but he is dead because of you!''

''I came to you, you didn't take my help. If you had just trusted me I'd-''

Bellamy finally walks away. My first instinct is to go after him, but can I really do that now? And should I? Would it be fair to O? I love Bellamy, but I would never want to invalidate her pain. Especially when I myself take part in the cause of it.  
  
Why does everything have to be so damn complicated?!

I stay down. After everything that's happened tonight, Bellamy might actually need everyone to leave him the hell alone for a moment. My heart aches, but that's mine to bear.

''Woah!'' I jump with a start as the flames of the fire suddenly go so high and so wild it might have burned off my eye-lashes, ''What the hell just happened?!''

''What did you just do?'' Octavia asks Jasper.

''Nothing, I just threw these in the fire,'' Jasper explains, showing the plant he used.

O grabs Lincoln's book immediately, quickly going through the pages.

''What is it?'' Clarke asks, as Jasper and I just stare, but then Octavia pulls out a bit of the same plant Jasper was using from in between the pages and when she throws it into the fire so it grows bright and green, it all suddenly makes perfect sense.

''Signal fire,'' Octavia and I say at the same time.

''He was trying to tell us,'' O adds, ''This is how we contact Luna.''

''I'll get more,'' Jasper jumps on his feet immediately. Feeling the excitement of finally getting somewhere, of finally cracking the riddle that's bothered us for hours, I all but run up to follow.

I see Bellamy walking away, his shoulders heavy. Clarke sees him too, then sees me watching him, then reads the whole damn thing through the way only she can, before she says:

''I'll go talk to him.''

I nod, grateful that she's here.

In less than ten minutes, Jasper, Octavia and I have made a wild beast of this fire. If Luna doesn't see this, then I don't know what else we can do. It makes me wonder where exactly she could be though, if this is in her line of vision. I scan the tree-line, the shore-line, the horizon. It doesn't make sense. Not that I could actually see much in this dark.

So we sit down and wait. For what, we're not sure. The flames get smaller after a while, but we have to ration the plants we've gathered - we need to have enough for this to last throughout the night. Also, we don't talk. There are two giant elephants in the room, and Jasper is in possession of both of them, so we just sit back and keep quiet, knowing no small-talk can help this situation. Someone better see these flames, because we're sacrificing much needed sleep.

I think I see shadows in the dark, and at first I think it's Clarke and Bellamy coming back, but soon I dismiss it altogether as my tired eyes just seeing things. After all, it's pitch black out there.  
  
But then, just as I relax once more, I think I see something again.

''What the hell,'' I murmur, before I'm slapped in the face with an answer.

Grounders, and we're surrounded.

It happens too fast for me to feel either fear or panic - the only thing fast enough is the adrenaline coursing through my veins. Freyja being too far away from me, I've only managed to pull out my machete, but I don't see how much good that will do anyway, seeing as most of the Grounders have crossbows ready to shoot. How many - five, six? Outlaws? What else could they be?

''No,'' Octavia says, and I turn around to see she's talking to me and Jasper. Jasper has his handgun ready for a point blank shot, which is way better than my machete, but Octavia has her weapon lowered. ''No,'' she assures us, ''It's okay.''

Jasper looks to me for assurance, and I give him a reluctant nod. I trust O, but I trust even more the fact that we're not dead yet. If they'd wanted us dead, we wouldn't be talking right now.

The moment we lower our weapons, another four Grounders appear, this time with Clarke and Bellamy in tow. They're tied and gagged and kneeling, but they're okay. Because they're leverage.

Whatever this is, we need to play it right.

''Chon yu bilaik? Hakom yu don flag raun? ( _Who are you? Why did you signal_?)'', one of them asks, nothing covering his face, no hood casting a shade on his features - a good sign. Some of them have followed, too, revealing their likenesses. I'm grateful, it's less confusing and spooky this way.

Also, they're Luna's, so there's that.

''Ai laik Okteivia kom Skaikru en ai gaf gouthru klir ( _I am Octavia of the Sky People and I want to pass_ )''.

''Skaikru,'' the Grounder says, ''Bringers of death. Why should we give you safe passage?''

The crossbow-wielders step up. Jasper gasps staring down an arrowhead, but I instinctively bring the machete up. There may be an arrow pointed at the space between my eyes, but I have a blade against the assailant's artery, so at least we're going down together.

''Lincoln,'' Octavia replies, ''He sent us.''

The Grounder looks like he's contemplating this, and every second he takes I feel like that arrow could actually bore a hole through my head. With every second, the shit's getting more real.

''Ban emo gaga we, en lus ‘mo meika au ( _Remove their gags, and free their hands_ ),'' the Grounder says, and for a moment I think the ones mere millimeters away from killing me and Jasper won't so much as flinch, because this guy certainly looks like he'd like nothing more than to get the order. Or maybe I'm just bitter and angry.

The Grounders lower their weapons however, and I have no choice but to lower mine. Which is a relief.

''What's going on?'' Bell asks in a whisper. I turn around to look at him, and shake my head in response. Rand never mentioned any of this; as a matter of fact, I never even imagined these people could be hostile by what I'd heard. Octavia agrees with me, which isn't re-assuring.

The Grounder pulls something out of his pack and steps up. Below the light of the fire, I see a vial, with some sort of liquid inside of it. He hands one to Octavia, then to me, then to the next person.

''What is that?'' Clarke asks.

''Safe passage.''

''What does it do?'' Jasper asks, but Octavia's already gulped it down, despite Bellamy's protests.

''I trust Lincoln,'' she says calmly.

Not waiting another moment, I drink mine. It tastes... earthy.

''If only they drink,'' the Grounder says, ''Only they go.''

''See you on the other side,'' Jasper says before he chugs it down. A moment later, Octavia falls to the ground.

My vision gets blurry until it becomes a complete fog, and I remember thinking I'm gonna earn myself more pain, before I fall into blackness and hit the ground.


	37. Chapter 37

''Where the hell are we?'' I hear Bellamy's raspy voice. _A damn good question_ , is my first thought as I try to blink away the initial blur before my eyes. My second thought is the realization that we seem to be in a metal container for some unknown reason, the type you'd see in Factory Station back in the day. My third thought is, weirdly enough, the fact that we've all awoken just about at the same time, which means whatever they gave us was made very specifically.  
  
When Octavia announces that her sword's gone is when I fully wake up. My first instinct is to feel up my gear. When I realize I'm stripped of everything, then I start panicking. _Bad.  
_  
''Crap crap crap crap crap,'' is all I can get out of me as I immediately jump to feel up the walls. Maniacally, I search for anything that could get this thing open, every survival instinct kicking in. Octavia's already trying to punch open a crack.   
  
We're prisoners. And we're weaponless. That's about all the facts that I need right now.  
  
''Come _on_ ,'' O growls as she punches a wall, and I cringe at the sound as even more panic surges through me. They have to have heard that.  
  
Sure enough, one side of the container draws open, letting in a blinding burst of light. I can't see who's standing on the other side, but I instinctively take a stance and reach for a weapon I've forgotten that I don't have.  
  
Then, like an answer to a dream, Luna walks in.   
  
I've never seen her before, yet I've seen that face so many times that it feels like I'm seeing an old friend. Still alert and distrustful, a part of me settles at ease. Everything Lincoln and Rand have told me can't have been a fable. My trust in them outweighs my distrust in everyone and everything else.  
  
''Where's Lincoln?'' Luna asks.  
  
It takes Octavia a moment to gather up that answer, but she gives it with the strength of a warrior.  
  
''Lincoln's dead.''  
  
I see the change in Luna's face; I see the grief in the way she bows her head. Lincoln was a friend. It's visibly tugging at her heart.  
  
''Lincoln said that you would help us,'' Clarke finally says.  
  
''Did he?''  
  
''Luna, you're the last of your kind,'' she steps up, ''The last Nightblood.''  
  
''So Lexa is dead as well.''  
  
''Her spirit has chosen _you_ to become the next commander,'' Clarke says, ''Titus entrusted me with the flame to give to you.''  
  
''Then he should have told you that I left my conclave swearing to never kill again,'' replies Luna.  
  
''You don't have to kill. To lead is your birthright, how you lead is your choice,'' Clarke insists, procuring and offering her the AI, ''Here.''  
  
''I recognize the sacred symbol,'' Luna frowns, taking a closer look, ''But what is that?''  
  
''This is the flame. It holds the spirits of the past commanders. Of Lexa,'' Clarke explains, ''Will you take it and become the next Commander?''  
  
Luna takes a moment. A moment too long, a moment stretching an eternity. We all hold our breaths. My heart is beating even faster, my palms sweating, and as Octavia and I share a look, I can see the burning hope in her eyes. It's almost child-like.  
  
But then Luna strikes us down.  
  
''No,'' Luna replies firmly, closing up Clarke's palm and turning to leave, back into the light she means to leave us outside of. It feels like someone just threw me back into that airlock I almost died in.  
  
''Hey, wait!'' Clarke runs, and by instinct we all run after her, not really knowing what we're running for or what we could hope to achieve, running into that blinding light and unknown territory, into the heart of a foreign people, stumbling into the disorientation and fresh air and the smell of salt everywhere and realizing - _we're in the middle of a god damn ocean._  
  
I skid to a halt and turn around. Nothing but water in all directions. No sign of land anywhere, not even a small speck on the horizon. Below our feet, nothing but metal. We're on top of a structure that in another moment I realize is an old oil rig. It has to be.  
  
A new fear takes hold. It's a fear I can't pin down, one I can't quite define yet. But it's there. Instinctively, I grab Clarke's arm. When she looks back at me it's like I'm looking into a mirror.  
  
*  
  
Not left to ponder it, we're immediately escorted into what I could only describe as some sort of common room. It's almost filled with people, all Flokru, and if we were prisoners I'm pretty certain we wouldn't be placed among them so easily. Sure enough, there's guards at the exits watching over, but considering the fact that we're still weaponless and I don't see any knives on the tables around us, we're basically harmless. They're well aware of that. And though, if you don't count that metal box, so far they haven't mistreated us - I still don't like the disadvantage at which they have us.  
  
But at least there's food. _Real_ food. Though these people rely heavily on fish and seafood around here, it's obvious they'll never have to know the concept of rationing. Not even _our_ meals are rationed the way they would be for prisoners. They live well here, away from the world.  
  
So we eat plenty, but we can barely bring ourselves to say a word to each other. Firstly, everyone's too bummed out and worried, and secondly, I don't like the idea of talking about anything among people who are not our own. I think everyone shares the sentiment. None of us feels like asking ''So what do we do now?''.  
  
Bellamy sits down next to me, and the way we're squeezed here together and my shoulder is rubbing against him reminds me of this chasm between us. One I need to bridge again, fast. There was never a time when we needed to be closer together than now. Whatever this ugly monster between us is, we need to get rid of it yesterday. I'm not sure we have time to waste on anything the way things are going.  
  
''Hey, um,'' he breaks the silence after a while, but keeping his voice so low that only I sitting beside him can hear him, ''I just- I wanted to say I'm sorry.''  
  
''No, Bell-''  
  
''No, I mean it,'' he stops me interrupting him, ''I know we can't talk right now but I don't want this hanging in the air between us any longer than it has to. Had to get it out of the way.''  
  
''Okay.''  
  
''Putting you on the spot like that wasn't fair,'' he says.  
  
''As far as I'm concerned, you and I are fine,'' I tell him, ''We'll talk more later. Don't worry about it.''  
  
But even the idea of having to really face him and talk to him about all this later is threatening to suffocate me.  
  
 _''Natasha?''_  
  
A familiar voice, a voice I know so well but haven't heard in so long. I know who it is before I even decide to turn around. Besides, who else really calls me Natasha?  
  
''Rand.''  
  
My heart literally swells. It's overwhelming; and when I turn around, I have to take a moment to make sure it's him, despite the fact that it's unmistakable. He doesn't look too different from when last I saw him, just standing there in the middle of the room. In fact, the only thing different about him is that his long braid is gone. He looks almost odd with the short cropped hair I'm not used to, but now his tattoos are completely visible all over his scalp. By rights, he should look more formidable than before, yet somehow all he manages is to look friendly and warm and soft.  
  
I all but run into a hug, almost tripping over the bench we've been sitting on. Rand laughs when he wraps his arms around me, his chuckles vibrating through my body entire. I can't laugh, though I want to. I'm just so glad to see him, that I can't even seem to bring myself to say it. He's like a soothing balm applied to a wound that's been sore for way too long. He is a friendly face amidst uncertainty, an old ally I can trust when I've lost so many. Does he know? Does he have any idea that the world means to swallow us?  
  
''I've heard about Lincoln,'' he starts solemnly when I pull back, his smile subsiding, ''Is that-?''  
  
''Octavia,'' I nod when he casts a glance at her, ''Come, you should meet them.''  
  
When I introduce him to everybody, I'm a bit struck by Bellamy's reaction - it's like he's equally honored and grateful as he is ashamed when he takes Rand's forearm. He knows this man has saved my life twice, helped me when I had no one else. He knows that he may have never been able to see me again had it not been for Rand. He is also still very aware of the damage he's dealt to Rand's people. Rand's eyes, on the other hand, betray nothing. If he holds any opinions, he doesn't show them. He pays everyone equal respects, and exchanges a few words with Octavia in Trigedasleng that I don't intrude on. I can guess what it is.  
  
''When I heard about Skaikru among us, I had to come see,'' Rand finally says, ''Somehow I knew you and I would cross paths again, old friend,'' he gives me a small smile, his hand resting on my shoulder.  
  
''Have you heard why we've come?'' I ask him.  
  
''Some of it,'' he replies, ''You really should have asked around before you decided to ask Luna to be the new Heda. She is not that kind of person.''  
  
''Rand, we _need_ this,'' I step up to him, ''She doesn't understand what's at stake here.''  
  
''Can you help us?'' Clarke asks, or more likely _begs_ by the look on her face. Jasper and Octavia look to him with hope, all but holding their breaths.  
  
Rand looks uncertain, like he knows how tied his hands are here.  
  
''Come,'' he finally tells me, ''We should talk somewhere private.''  
  
Bell looks like he's about to protest - after all, we're still not sure if we're prisoners here and no one likes the idea of getting separated - but then he remembers this is Rand. He's already earned our trust.  
  
So we leave the room, stepping out into the bright sunlight, and I let him lead me wherever he wants.  
  
*  
  
The platform we're sitting on is small. If either of us made some wrong move and somehow slipped by accident, we'd go plummeting into the water below. That is, if we avoided all the metal bars protruding on the way.  
  
But I'm not afraid. In fact, sitting here on this secluded platform is somehow liberating. Maybe it has something to do with Rand's presence, but the fear from before has subsided in truth. I certainly don't feel like a prisoner. I'm not sure anyone could sit here and feel anything but free.  
  
The Sun is lower in the sky. And the lower it gets, the more shimmery the water in the west becomes. One could get used to a sight like this. In a better world.  
  
''The last time I saw you, you were on your way home,'' Rand says, following up with a small teasing smile, ''On your way to _him_.''  
  
I don't know why that makes me a bit uncomfortable. I look down into the water, in case I blush.  
  
''A lot has changed since then,'' I say.  
  
''I can see that,'' he says, ''I'm happy to see you, though. I knew you'd make it.''  
  
''How?'' I ask, squeezing a small smile out of myself.  
  
''You're tough,'' he shrugs. That reminds me of Dwyght. He called me a ''tough cookie'' once.   
  
I'm losing count of all my fallen friends.  
  
''Rand, I need your help,'' I say, ''Now more than ever, I think.''  
  
Before he can reply, I start telling him everything. I leave nothing out, though I'm not sure how much I'm getting across using the terms and analogies he can understand. I've never in my life seen Rand as different than me, than us, but I forget myself. Technology doesn't exist in his world, or at least the understanding of it doesn't. ALIE can't be an  AI to him, it can only be some sort of demon come to destroy the spirits of all the past commanders. I don't really explain it like that, but maybe I should.  
  
He doesn't look confused when I finish, however. If anything, he looks concerned.   
  
''I understand your plight,'' he says.  
  
''You do?''  
  
''I don't have to understand everything to understand that it's serious,'' he replies, ''And I trust you.''  
  
''So you understand why we need Luna,'' I urge, ''Rand, she's our only chance! _Your_ only chance! If she thinks ALIE's hands can't reach her people here, she's mistaken!''  
  
''I don't know what I can do for you, Natasha,'' he scowls, ''I can have Luna's ear, but I don't have the kind of power you think I have. She is not aloof and ignorant, you must understand. She's very well aware of what's been happening in the world on land. She's never been more careful and distrustful. These people here are her responsibility, and she means not to get involved with anything if she can avoid it. Though I was welcomed here, I am still earning my keep. She doesn't give away her trust easily.''  
  
''And she's smart not to,'' I agree, ''I don't want to get this place on ALIE's radar, Rand. I don't want to get anyone involved. But we have no other choice.''  
  
''I can try, but I can't promise anything,'' he tells me, ''But know this: if you compromise this place, if you endanger her people... You'll never be welcomed here again.''  
  
Don't I know it. I don't say anything to that, though. We came here seeking an alliance, but we're lucky that we're leaving unharmed.   
  
We sit in silence for a while, watching the shimmery water.  
  
''I've lost so many friends since I saw you last,'' I say after a while, a handful of gulls being the only thing that breaks the silence before me, ''So many that I'm not sure of the number. We're all that's left, Rand. The five of us, a few more people back home, and all of you, under Luna's protection. Everyone else is gone. We have to assume that. There's no one else out there that can stop ALIE. There's nothing standing in her- _its_ way.''  
  
Another few gulls fly past, making noise I don't know how to describe. But I like it; it's calming, serene.  
  
''You've lost a lot yourself,'' I add, ''A lot of it by the hand of _my_ people. I'm well aware of that. Hell, it might even be that I've personally killed someone you know. A friend maybe. We'll never know that.''  
  
''That's in the past,'' Rand argues.  
  
''It is. But pretending it didn't happen serves no one. Pretending we don't see the obvious damage won't help with the healing. If we only think of ourselves, of what _we've_ lost, there will never be going forward. I've lost a lot, but so have you. Family members, friends, allies. You've been exiled for refusing to go to war with us. You've wandered ever since. I don't want to take that lightly, Rand. I _shouldn't_.''  
  
Rand throws a pebble, and I watch it fall down into the water. It's mesmerizing until I wonder how the hell he even has a pebble here in the first place.  
  
''I like to come here and do this sometimes,'' he explains as though he reads my mind, before giving me a pebble from his pocket, ''Calms me, helps me clear my mind.''  
  
I throw the pebble. I see it fall and make small ripples once it meets the water. We're so high up that I can barely hear the ''blop'' sound. He's right, though. It _is_ soothing, somehow.  
  
''You're right,'' he finally says, ''Jus drein jus daun never led us anywhere, but neither did pretending that the harm was never done. You're right.''  
  
''We'll never be able to heal if ALIE wins. We'll never know true peace. We won't even know true life anymore,'' I say, ''This is our chance. To fight together again, and this time do it right.''  
  
Rand throws one last pebble before he pushes himself off the ground and stands up. ''Come,'' he offers me a hand.  
  
''Where are we going?'' I ask as I take it.  
  
'' _You_ are going back to your friends,'' he says, ''But I'm going to seek audience with Luna.''  
  
*  
  
''You've been gone a while,'' Bell says once I return and sit back at the table. Do I detect...? Nah, it can't be.  
  
''He said he'll do it,'' I reply instead, ''He'll talk to Luna. He says not to hold our breaths, though,'' I shake my head, ''I don't know anymore.''  
  
''We have to discuss what we'll do if she does refuse us,'' says Clarke, ''You know we have no other options.''  
  
''It's not like we can kidnap her,'' I grumble, but by the look on Clarke's face, I realize that it seems to be a completely valid idea in her mind, ''Clarke!''  
  
''I'm not saying we'll have to kidnap her,'' she argues, ''I'm saying-''  
  
''Don't say anything,'' I interrupt her, ''Not here anyway. Let Rand try, at least. Christ, how do we expect anyone to be an ally when all we do is leave a trail of ugliness.''  
  
''That's not fair,'' Clarke replies, ''You know we have no other choice-''  
  
''I know we have no other choice, Clarke,'' I insist, ''That wasn't a jab at you. But it's the truth, isn't it? Flowers certainly don't grow in our wake.''  
  
No one replies to that.  
  
We sit in some more of that dense silence, though surrounded by chatter and even sounds of some string instrument humming through the air. I hardly pay it any mind. Jasper slides me a cup of some drink across the table, and I arch an eyebrow at him. He just shrugs and tells me to try it. When I do, I find that I'm refreshed. It's cold and sweet, and tastes of berries; and though it has some alcohol in it, it's barely an amount that makes a difference. I drink all of it.  
  
''The funny thing is, I've grown so used to the Earth that I find all of this metal unnatural and confining now,'' I scoff, ''Like I didn't live on the Ark for seventeen years.''  
  
''The Ark feels like another life now,'' Jasper says.  
  
''Not to me,'' Octavia mutters into her cup, but when Bellamy meets her eyes, she looks away.  
  
''Come on,'' I grab his arm, ''I have to show you something.''  
  
''What?'' Bellamy frowns in that way I've always found so cute. _Ugh, I hate myself._  
  
''Just come,'' I insist. We need to talk, so we might as well get it out of the way while we wait for Luna's final verdict. It's not like we have anything else to do, except plan a kidnapping if Clarke had it her way.  
  
The guards at the door, however, don't adore this idea.  
  
''I'm sorry, I was under the impression we weren't prisoners here,'' I say with polite spite as the two burly guards step up to block the door.  
  
''You cannot roam freely unsupervised,'' one of them replies, ''You are guests here.''  
  
''And we want some fresh air,'' I try not to hiss, grabbing Bellamy's arm as a sign that I've got this - I don't want his temper messing things up, ''If you want to follow us and make sure, feel free.''  
  
''We're unarmed and stranded in the middle of the ocean,'' Bellamy argues, ''What are we gonna do - swim back to shore?''  
  
Another moment of pondering before they reluctantly step back and clear the path. When we make our way outside, it doesn't take us long to realize we're being tailed.  
  
''So where exactly _are_ we going?'' Bell asks.  
  
''Rand showed me a spot,'' I reply, casting a glance across my shoulder ''The guard-dog of the underworld can't follow us there unless he wants to die.''  
  
''Great. That's comforting,'' Bell says, before he breaks into a small smile, ''Though I guess it wouldn't be the first time I risk dying because of you.''  
  
''You're lucky I'm unarmed,'' I grin and nudge him, which makes him laugh. It heals me to hear it. I sneak a glance at his beautiful smile - the type I last saw months ago - as we make our way to the small, secluded platform. When we sit down safely, I suddenly realize the heaviness of what we're about to do. I take a deep breath. The Sun is about to kiss the horizon, and the light is casting an orange glow across Bellamy's features, his tanned skin looking almost bronze.  
  
So help me God.


	38. Chapter 38

We're on time to catch the sunset. It's bright orange, vibrant and breath-taking, and the sea looks like it's mixing with molten gold. We don't talk, not for the most part of it. Maybe I should use this time to think of a way to start and lead this conversation, but I can't will my mind off that sunset.  
  
We haven't talked in over four months, I realize - not truly. We haven't addressed a single damn thing that's happened since Mount Weather, and now it's all caught up with us. That's a whole lot of baggage and a whole lot of doors we never wanted to go back and open. Yet now we have to. In truth, I should have seen it coming.  
  
''I thought it was all over,'' I finally start, ''For the most part, you know. We were home. And how could anything that comes our way be worse than what we'd already experienced.''  
  
''I know.''  
  
''But somehow it got worse,'' I say, ''Or I got worse. Or both, I don't know,'' I chuckle, ''Everything was supposed to be okay and I was just... shocked to find that nothing was.''  
  
''We don't have to go back there,'' Bell shakes his head.  
  
''Maybe we do. Right to the beginning of all this.''  
  
''Look, I get it. I understand,'' he says, ''I was angry then, I'm not anymore. We all did what we felt we had to do. You needed space. I get that. And I get that you're sorry. But I forgive you, T. You don't need to beat yourself up over it anymore.''  
  
Him saying he forgives me wakes something inside of me. It's like my throat swells for a moment and I'm afraid it might choke me. Have I been holding this against myself all this time?  
  
''You deserved better, that's all I'm saying,'' I will myself to say, ''From me, from Clarke, from Jasper... It wasn't fair.''  
  
''Well,'' he smiles, ''Just look at all the times I wasn't fair and even the scales.''  
  
''I wish that was how it works,'' I huff out a feeble chuckle, ''Either way, we can't change the past.''  
  
''Don't I know it,'' Bell frowns, looking away to the fading sun.  
  
''You know, you forgive everyone so easily, but you can never forgive yourself,'' I tell him, ''That's annoying as hell.''  
  
''Annoying,'' he chuckles, his face lit up the color of molten gold, ''Thanks, sharpie.''  
  
He hasn't called me that in so long, I can feel my heart physically ache. I swallow it.  
  
''I'm serious, Bell,'' I say, ''You can't go on until you resolve all this, not truly. It's always gonna drag you down.''  
  
''What makes you think I deserve to go on, that I deserve not to be dragged down?''  
  
''Bell-''  
  
''You know, Tasha, you can't talk about what you don't know,'' he interrupts me, ''I can forgive myself things; I've forgiven _a lot_. The culling? It haunts me, but I found a way to deal with it, to go on. Everyone we killed in war? Easy. Mount Weather? I would have pulled that lever a hundred times over if it meant seeing all of you safe, and I wouldn't lose too much sleep because of it. But you can't tell me to forgive myself Gina. To forgive myself Lincoln.''  
  
His voice breaks before Lincoln's name leaves his mouth. This takes me aback a bit because: firstly, Bellamy rarely gives in to emotions; and secondly, he put Lincoln right next to Gina. I've known that he's eating himself up over it even though it wasn't his fault, but to that degree that his name would follow Gina's right out of his broken heart? I can feel that swelling in my throat again, the threat of tears. I swallow it back.  
  
''And I know what you're going to say,'' he continues before I can, ''That Lincoln wasn't my fault, that I did what I could, that I'd tried to help. I know all of that already. But he was my friend. My brother. He believed in me, and then I let him down. He fought beside me, risked everything for us, and I stood by his murderer. You can't possibly understand,'' he swallows.  
  
''I can, Bell.''  
  
''No, Tasha, you can't. You've never been looked at with disgust by someone who used to look at you with respect. You've never let anyone down so... so _much_.''  
  
I don't say anything. I realize he just needs to talk. To say things he hasn't had the opportunity to say. This is an act of exorcism, and he needs these demons out.  
  
''And Gina,'' Bellamy shakes his head, ''I know she wasn't my direct fault either, I get that. But I let her down too. I was there to protect them, and I failed with such ease that... I swear to God barely a night passes that Echo's face doesn't haunt me. And that _is_ my fault.''  
  
I place my palm over his hand, squeeze his fingers a bit.  
  
''I'm sorry,'' I say.  
  
''Yeah, me too,'' he frowns, swallowing back the tears that make his eyes glisten but never fall. He's still looking at the sunset, or whatever's left of it.  
  
''Needless to say, there is nothing you can do that will bring them back,'' I say, ''I'm sorry if that's harsh, but you know how I've always been with you. You need to hear it, _really_ hear it. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you beat yourself up over it, nothing will bring them back.''  
  
He doesn't say anything, he just swallows again, still looking ahead.  
  
''What you _can_ do, is honor them by living the best life you can. By fighting for what's right, by fighting to save this crappy world that they too tried, and died, to make better. If they were watching us, that's the only thing they'd want to see.''  
  
He nods once, then looks down.  
  
''I know guilt, Bellamy, despite what you may think. I've carried it around with me for months, worn it like this jacket on me until it's glued itself to my body so tight that it's started to seep into my skin. It colored my world, made everything black. I did the whole cycle over and over again - the anger, the grief, the need for revenge. Even then I knew that nothing would bring dad back. No matter how much I lashed out, Finn stayed dead,'' I confess, ''And then one day... you wake up, and it still hurts, but at least you don't want to burn the world anymore. It spends you.''  
  
His hand twists so we're palm to palm, before he intertwines his fingers with mine. It's so comforting that I almost feel pounds lighter.  
  
''We'll get through this,'' I assure him, ''We still have each other, all of us. And I couldn't have hand-picked better the people I'd follow to the end of the world if need be. As long as we have each other, we're strong.''  
  
He breaks into a sudden grin, though a bit sad, before he looks up at me. ''That's what I always loved about you most.''  
  
''What?''  
  
''Your spirit. Nothing breaks it,'' he says with a smile, ''Even when you're down, you're back up in record time. It kept me going way too many times.''  
  
That softens my heart into pudding, and all I want to do is kiss his cheeks and hug him until I'm satisfied, but that would be crossing borders now that aren't clearly defined.  
  
'' _You_ have kept all of _us_ going,'' I argue, ''That's the thing about you, you punish yourself for your wrongs but you never give yourself credit for all the things you did right. You literally kept us alive, for the longest time,'' I whisk away the curl that the breeze keeps throwing into his eyes, ''You forget so easily.''  
  
He catches my hand right as it tucks a lock behind his ear. It sends a wave of heat into it, which goes on through my entire body. His eyes lock with mine, and the longing is like electricity that I feel could literally buzz me up if I dared move toward him.  
  
''I don't forget anything,'' Bellamy says softly, intensely, before letting my hand down, ''Sometimes I wish I could.''  
  
''If it's you and me, I don't wanna forget a damn thing,'' I smile. He looks back at me, then smiles back. I let go of his hand, and pull up my knees to wind my arms around them. The sun has set almost completely by now, but the lights are still reaching over the horizon.  
  
''You think we'll ever have that?'' I ask, watching the glimmering water, ''A normal life? Just sitting down after a long day of hard work to watch the sunset and rest peacefully.''  
  
He huffs like it's a silly thought, his eyes on the horizon as well. ''Not very soon, no,'' he says, ''Maybe never. At least not you and I.''  
  
''I'll gladly die so that Jessi can have that life one day,'' I say, ''If it takes our lives for future generations to live in peace... it's kind of awesome that we can be the ones to make that sacrifice.''  
  
He grins when I sneak a glance at him, before he nods. ''It _is_ kind of awesome.''  
  
''You're right,'' I add, ''I do have an unbreakable spirit. I just put an awesome spin on death.''  
  
He chuckles out loud this time, wholeheartedly. He shakes his head as he laughs, his shoulders bouncing up and down. It was short, but he _laughed_. Happiness overcomes me.  
  
''I've missed you,'' he says through his grin, still looking ahead. It almost sounds like he didn't mean it to be said out loud, it's slipped out so naturally, like flowing water out of a spring.  
  
I lay my head down on his shoulder. We stay like that for a while, delaying and each waiting for the other to bring up the final problem.  
  
In the end, it falls to Bellamy.  
  
''That kiss,'' he clears his throat, his voice a bit groggy from the peaceful silence, ''It's not... It's not putting you on the spot that's made me feel awful, or any other reason like that. It's that I _meant it_.''  
  
I lift my head up to look at him. Usually when Bellamy bares himself like this, it's more difficult for him, it's more of a struggle. Right now, he doesn't look like it takes him much effort to talk about this. He seems too tired and spent to care, and too sick of all the things that have been left unsaid. He's welcoming the naked truth with arms wide open.  
  
''That's the terrifying part, that I never stopped loving you,'' he admits, ''And what does that make me? Even when I was with Gina-,'' he pauses a moment, ''I cared about her too. She knew that. You know that.''  
  
''I know.''  
  
''But I don't know what to do with this,'' he shakes his head, ''I never could. I can't manage it all. Every time I come near you it's like- I feel like I'm betraying her. Betraying who she was.''  
  
''You're not,'' I try to re-assure him.  
  
''My brain knows that,'' he argues, ''Logic knows that. But I can't help the way I feel. I can't- I need to reconcile-''  
  
''Hey,'' I grab his arm and make him look at me, ''You don't have to do anything. Alright? You need to figure things out for _yourself_. Not for me, not for Gina, not for anyone else. We all have things to reconcile but you don't need to put yourself through this right now. You can't be torn in two, Bell. You need to be one and whole for what's to come.''  
  
His eyes are so soft when he looks at me that it hits me so suddenly just how much _shit_ is weighing him down. No one should have to bear so much.  
  
''And I feel the exact same way,'' I make myself say - somehow, it's much more difficult for me to get it out than it was for Bellamy, ''I never stopped loving you. And every time I... come near you, I feel like I'm betraying something. Betraying her. Her memory. The guilt is crippling. So... you're not alone in that.''  
  
''Great,'' he says after a moment of processing all of that, ''We're both messed up.''  
  
''Yeah,'' I try to joke, ''But you know, Jasper told me something back on the beach that I just- It hasn't left my head since.''  
  
''What?''  
  
''Basically, he said I was being stupid wasting my time on Earth when he would have done anything to have just a bit more of it with Maya. And, well, quote: _You're not replacing Gina, just like she wasn't replacing you. I know you love each other, I know you always have, but if you want to be together in the time that you do have, you need to make peace with that fact_. Or something like that.''  
  
''He said that?!''  
  
''Yeah,'' I nod with a grin, and Bell can't help but shake his head and chuckle.  
  
''Seems like everyone's got us figured out better than we do.''  
  
''Absolutely,'' I nod, smiling, ''But yeah, it did make me think. Mostly because he's right. We both need to make peace with some things. And with ourselves.''  
  
Bellamy makes a Don't-I-Know-It face.  
  
''But when we do,'' I add, ''When we grasp our guilt and squeeze the life out of it, I'll be here.''  
  
Bellamy looks up at me again, but this time with so much hope it's like the Sun's just come back up. He meant to say something, he must have, before Rand's voice interrupted him.  
  
The man appears out of nowhere, and it takes me a moment to realize what he's doing here. Then I take in his face - frowning in worry. His stance - almost vibrating with anxiousness.  
  
''We need to talk.''  
  
*  
  
''What happened?'' I ask as Rand pulls me by the arm to help me get off the small platform. The moment we're back up, Bellamy and I plant our feet and wait for him to say something. He looks nervous, and it's in turn making me nervous.  
  
''Maybe it's better if I talk to the two of you only,'' he almost sighs as he gives in, taking an instinctive glance around. We're being watched but not listened to. It doesn't bother me.  
  
''Luna will come to you,'' Rand says, ''And she will refuse you. You'll have to be ready to accept that.''  
  
My heart sinks right into my feet, but I still don't believe it. We can still turn this around, we have to. We have no other choice.  
  
''Rand-''  
  
''Why are you only telling us?'' Bellamy asks.  
  
''Because your reputation precedes you, Skaikru,'' Rand replies to him, ''And I'm afraid you'll do whatever it takes to have your way. That is why I come to a friend, and the one she trusts most. I hope you will be reasonable, and that you have influence over your friends.''  
  
''You know we have no other choice, Rand,'' I start.  
  
''Whatever choice you do have is better than dying here,'' Rand turns to me, ''You're outnumbered and overpowered. Leave while you're still guests.''  
  
''What could we possibly do-''  
  
''I don't know,'' Rand stops me, ''Yet wherever you go, chaos follows. Talk to your leader, the wanheda. Tell her to leave in peace. Don't try anything stupid. Don't become the enemy where you cannot afford it.''  
  
''We're not leaving before doing what we came here to do,'' I say, ''We'll insist, we'll convince her-''  
  
''You won't,'' Rand shakes his head, before stepping up to me, his eyes boring into mine, ''Instead let me convince you. I've never betrayed your trust. Now you need to trust me again. I don't want to see you harmed.''  
  
''Come,'' Bellamy grabs my wrist, his eyes lingering on Rand for a second before we go, ''We need to talk to the others.''  
  
*  
  
It seems that some sort of evening event is taking place once we get back to the large common room - a larger number of people have gathered and there is a girl reciting what seems almost like poetry to the sound of gentle music. I don't see who or what they're playing, but it's a lovely string instrument that wouldn't fail to put my mind at ease if things were different. Our friends are sitting almost exactly where we left them, except this time they're huddled around a small fire. Jasper seems to be the only one actually enjoying himself, listening to the story-telling poet.  
  
When we walk back to them, Clarke doesn't have to speak to ask the question - the look she gives us says it all. I shake my head in response, before sitting down across from her.  
  
''We need to talk about what we're gonna do,'' I say.  
  
''We're not leaving without-''  
  
''I said the exact same thing and Rand made sure to convince me otherwise,'' I stop her, ''Clarke, he's right. If we try anything, we're done for. Look around you.''  
  
''Then we stay until we convince her.''  
  
''That's not gonna happen.''  
  
''You can't know that.''  
  
''Just... Just be smart about this. We can't force our way through this one.''  
  
''She's here,'' Bellamy announces. I turn around, and sure enough Luna's making her way through the door with an unmistakable air of leadership and confidence. Her bodyguard is never over a pace away from her.  
  
''Maybe she changed her mind,'' Bell tells me, but I can tell not even he believes that.  
  
We walk up to her either way.  
  
''The boats return at nightfall,'' she tells us, ''Then you leave forever.''  
  
''Luna, let us explain-''  
  
''I said no.''  
  
''No, you need to hear this,'' Bellamy insists, but Luna's bodyguard places a threatening hand on his chest - Bell goes on either way, ''There is something out there that is going to destroy us all-''  
  
''I've heard it all,'' Luna assures him, ''Whatever it is, it can't reach us here.''  
  
I want to tell her that she's wrong, but she doesn't give me a chance. That's it. She just passes us right by and moves on to Octavia and Jasper. When she approaches them, Jasper gets up and walks away. I know that whatever they're discussing concerns Lincoln and not much else. Octavia won't succeed where we and Rand failed.  
  
''I can't believe this,'' I mutter.  
  
''What now?'' Bellamy asks.  
  
''I need to think,'' Clarke only says, before she storms out. The guards move to stop her at the exit, but the look she gives them almost makes them change their mind. It's Luna that waves an order from her place beside Octavia though, and the guards step back and let Clarke through. I want to follow her, but Bellamy stops me.  
  
He grabs my arm, ''Let her go.''  
  
Some instinct is telling me not to listen to him and go after Clarke, but I ignore it. Somewhere deep inside I know Clarke is capable of doing something very stupid right now, yet I still let her walk out. Maybe half of me is dreading, but the other half is hoping she will.  
  
''So much for this place,'' I grumble as we make our way back to the fire where Luna's left Octavia to sit by herself now - she doesn't even acknowledge us, ''I always imagined it as some pretty coastal village of peaceful people with not a care in the world beside their day-to-day chores and whatnot.''  
  
''Pretty idealistic,'' Bell comments.  
  
''You have no idea,'' I huff, ''This... _idea_ of this place has always been like... a beacon of hope, as silly as it sounds, it's- It's like this place that I always thought I could fall back on, you know? If things ever got too bad and I just... wanted to walk away from it all, this place was it.''  
  
Bell nods in understanding, putting his palms up close against the fire to warm them. It does get chilly here in the middle of the ocean.  
  
''And now it's nothing it was supposed to be,'' I further explain, ''The fantasy that's helped keep me sane is gone. I feel like there's no place on Earth where I could go now. No escape.''  
  
''Like you were ever one for escape,'' Bellamy gives a teasing half-smile with a corner of his mouth.  
  
''Yeah, but I'd like to have the option of it!'' I joke, and I swear to God, I just saw Octavia give in to a small smile too. ''Jasper and I used to fantasize about leaving Arkadia to find this place,'' I add, ''Though I guess he _would_ love it here.''  
  
As I take a look across the room, I can see Jasper still talking to the girl that recited a story just before, and he looks like he's having just about the most interesting and most satisfying conversation of his life. It makes me smile - he deserves this moment.  
  
We sit in silence for a while, because Octavia doesn't really talk to us unless she tells _me_ something, and even so it's strained because of her proximity to Bellamy. I can't blame her, and it breaks my heart for the both of them, but in turn Bellamy and I can't talk about much either. The absence of both Jasper and Clarke is felt, and with every moment that Clarke doesn't return, we get more anxious. I have to convince myself to keep sitting down and not go after her every other minute that passes. I think about finding Rand, because I don't know when or if I'll ever see him again once we leave, but I'm not so cruel as to leave the Blakes alone with each other. So we just sit and wait.  
  
I don't know how long we wait like that until Rand comes and saves us.  
  
''I'm sorry. I did all I could,'' he says the moment he sits down across from us. Octavia nods once, acknowledging it with respect.  
  
''Thank you, Rand,'' I say, ''For everything.''  
  
''If what you say is true,'' he says, ''If this thing approaching means to destroy us all, then we cannot sit here and hide while the rest of the world is dying. We shouldn't.''  
  
''There is nothing you can do,'' I tell him, ''Right now, I'm not sure there's anything _we_ can do, for all our knowledge and technology.''  
  
''Anya broke the peace once,'' he says instead, ''Then Lexa walked away. And for all her good intentions, Luna means to do the exact same thing now. It's not right. I never abided by it before, I won't do it now. Lincoln didn't.''  
  
''And look where it got him,'' Octavia mutters. I can see Bellamy literally wince.  
  
''I'm coming with you,'' Rand says, ''If I can be of some help, I'm not cowering behind these walls.''  
  
''You've done all you can,'' Bellamy assures him, ''We're grateful, but this is out of your hands. I don't want to risk a single life out there that I don't need to. Your place is here, with these people. Protect them. I'm afraid they'll need it.''  
  
Processing this, Rand nods once in agreement. I place a hand on his arm and give him a smile. I do hope we all live through this so we can eat together once again.  
  
Bellamy is right. This place is an oasis - even as I look around I see nothing but smiling faces enjoying the warmth and food and music and games. These are just ordinary people, and I'm not sure if they have enough fighting men should the need arise. They'll need all the help they can get.  
  
Rand places a warm hand over mine and gives a small smile back before he stands up. ''The boats will be back soon, so I better go help prepare everything,'' he says, ''The least I can do is escort you back to shore.''  
  
I want to tell him that that's not necessary, but I realize this is something he needs. If it makes him feel helpful, let him lose a few hours escorting us.  
  
Just as he walks out the door, Clarke walks back in. She gives Rand a small smile as they almost brush shoulders, before making her way toward us. When she sits down, she doesn't say anything. So we don't ask. I'm afraid of the ideas she might be cooking up in her brain, but we'll be in the damn boats soon enough, and then it won't matter.  
  
''Well, would you look at the charmer,'' I break the silence, nudging my head in Jasper's distraction. Casting a glance, Octavia can't help a smile.   
  
''He's actually smiling,'' Bellamy says, but when Clarke doesn't acknowledge any of it, he can't ignore it anymore. ''Clarke, let it go,'' he says.  
  
''We can't just leave,'' she finally admits.  
  
''It's not like we have much of a choice,'' argues Octavia.  
  
''Maybe we do.''  
  
''Here we go,'' I grumble.  
  
''What are you talking about?'' asks Bellamy.  
  
''I'm talking about putting this into her head without asking.''  
  
''See, this is exactly the type of thing Rand warned us against,'' I growl.  
  
''No way, Clarke!'' Octavia insists, ''This isn't like Emerson, he was trying to kill us!''  
  
''You think I don't know that?'' Clarke asks.  
  
''Clarke, we don't have to do this,'' Bell tries to convince her, ''We can fight, we can go back to Arkadia, we can arm up.''  
  
''Fight who? It's an army of our own people!'' she argues back, ''I don't like this any more than you do, but if Raven's right and the code on this thing can stop ALIE... Give me a better idea.''  
  
I hate that she has a fucking point. Somehow she always does. I hate myself for leaning into this crazy idea, against reason, against logic, against the trust Rand put into us.  
  
I'm not the only one either.  
  
''We'll stay here,'' Bellamy finally gives in, ''It's the only way they'll leave you alone with her.''  
  
''Even ALIE gives people a choice,'' Octavia grumbles.  
  
''We gave Luna a choice,'' Bellamy replies, ''She said no.''  
  
Clarke gets up. We stay seated. She walks away to go do something stupid, and we all - with sound minds - let her.  
  
We might just be making ALIE's job easier tonight.


	39. Chapter 39

''Couldn't do it,'' was all that Clarke had said when she came back. ''Even if we dared try again, she has the Flame. She said she'll give it back to us when we get on the boats.'' None of us had asked how sure she was about that. Luna has no reason to keep the Flame, and even if she did keep it, I honestly don't know how that would even make things worse. The Flame might even be safer in her hands now that I think about it - chances are ALIE will get to us sooner than it'll get to Luna and her people.  
  
I have absolutely no idea what in the holy hell we could possibly do next.  
  
''Chin up,'' Rand tells me as we take a walk around the oil rig in an attempt to keep my mind off things while we wait - it's safe to say that it's not working, ''Not all is lost.''  
  
''You don't understand,'' I shake my head, ''I'm not against fighting if this weren't an army of our own people. Family, friends... there's children among them, Rand. They're being controlled, and they'll do anything they're tasked with. My dearest friend will slit my throat without a second's thinking. I can't do this. Not this.''  
  
''I've seen you come out of the impossible before,'' Rand says, ''I believe you'll find a way.''  
  
I don't know if I'm angry at him for not understanding or at me for still trying to explain this to him. _This was the only way._  
  
''Two times that I've scrambled my way out of the impossible, it was thanks to you,'' I say, ''Why?''  
  
''Why?'' he asks, smiling, ''A girl comes crawling in gasping for breath, bleeding, helpless, and _why_ don't I let her die?''  
  
''No, before that. The first time you ever helped me. Back in the camp,'' I say, and realize this question has subconsciously troubled me all this time, ''Don't think I'm not grateful, but I find it hard to believe you were that easily convinced to let me go and betray your unit, and your clan.''  
  
Rand pauses a moment, as though to sort his thoughts out. Night has already fallen and torches have lit up the whole oil rig, making it look much more inviting than during the day. I look up at my friend. For some reason, I miss the long braided hair he used to have. Did he cut it off for a new start?  
  
''I'd started questioning what we were doing a long while before you came my way,'' he finally admits, ''At first, it made sense. Our people had died, or were dying by your hand, and you came so suddenly into our land and decided that it was yours, and I was angry. Your entitlement, your arrogance, your ignorance of the world around you, and the lives that suffered for it... _Jus drein jus daun_ had always been our way, and retaliation made sense.''  
  
''But then?'' I urge him on.  
  
''Then it got out of hand. For every life we took in revenge, you defended yourselves by taking even more. It was escalating too fast into a war that no longer made any sense,'' he says, ''It became about something different entirely. Suddenly, people were fighting for no reason. Dying for no reason.''  
  
''No reason? Many would beg to differ,'' I tell him, ''I agree we could have coexisted without all the fighting, but...''  
  
''But we're a hard folk. Stubborn. Vengeful. And I don't regret any of that, it's what's let us survive in these lands all this time,'' he explains, ''You, on the other hand, were all just short of children, down to the last one. And not a single warrior among you. Yet you learned, you evolved, you turned yourselves into fighters just to be able to save your own lives. Not many of my people will admit it, but even when you were enemies, you had our respect.''  
  
''That's why you didn't march that day?'' I ask, ''Because you no longer believed in the fight?''  
  
''And it's why I let you go,'' he adds, ''I couldn't stop the war, but I could prevent at least one pointless death and walk away from the slaughter.''  
  
''You seemed reluctant, though,'' I reason, ''In fact, you really didn't even want to speak to me, as far as I could tell.''  
  
''Who wouldn't be reluctant?'' Rand asks me, ''I was about to cross a line I would never again be able to un-cross. Deep down, I knew that. And it was a frightening decision to make. It had eaten away at me since they brought you and your friend in though, don't think it was your chatter that persuaded me, you're not that good of a diplomat,'' he grins with mischief.  
  
''So I was just... what tipped the scales,'' I smile.  
  
''Seeing you so alone and helpless and just waiting,'' he goes on, ''I don't imagine there is anything worse in this world than dying alone. If Skaikru were to die, then at least you would all be together when it happens. And you would have a warrior's death, which is far more than what you would have been given in our camp.''  
  
A shudder goes through me. I remember the camp, the horror John and I had gone through, the terrible wait, the morning cold in that shed in which I slept. The ground was always so cold. Back there, I never thought about my death because I was so focused on finding a way to escape. Now that I think about it, I can imagine it so clearly. Someone would have probably made quick work of it, slitting my throat unceremoniously and moving on, and no one would have even noticed let alone paid attention. Like butchering a hunted animal and leaving it on the floor for someone else to skin and clean and prepare. Everyone would just go on about their day, moving on with their plans, leaving me behind. I would have died alone, without anyone knowing let alone holding my hand and keeping me company. My life would have flashed before my eyes and I'd have realized that my death was meaningless, my story forgotten, my life irrelevant. _All these people here - my killers - see me as less than human, and don't even stop for a second to witness the ending of a life. A universe._  
  
Except, Rand saved me.  
  
''I'm so lucky I've met you,'' I suddenly say. It brings a small smile to his face, but I mean it with every ounce of my being.  
  
''It's your eyes,'' he says instead, ''Sometimes I swear I see Zo in them. The same deep green. The color of the ocean when it's cold and grey outside and there's a promise of a storm.''  
  
''Zo?'' I ask stupidly.  
  
''That day, you reminded me so much of her,'' he explains, ''She died alone. Something I'll never forgive myself for.''  
  
''Your wife,'' I say, realizing. Back when Rand and I practically lived together, he let bits and pieces slip through our conversations, and I always knew there had been some woman in his life before. I never knew who she was or why she was gone, and every time he realized he was letting too much slip through, he'd change the topic.  
  
''I think that's what broke me. That one moment when I looked at you and saw Zo looking back,'' he admits, ''There was no way I wouldn't prevent it this time around.''  
  
I want to ask him how she died. I am curious about what had happened and how it all came to pass from the moment they met to the moment death came in the way, but I don't want to re-open wounds. So I just clasp his hand as we walk. Maybe next time we see each other - if we ever see each other again - we'll talk about all the things we never had the time to.  
  
''I'm sorry,'' I say.  
  
''So am I,'' he agrees, ''But then again, I'm not. I'm grateful for the time I had with her. It's worth the pain.''  
  
This makes me think of Bellamy. Like there's an epiphany here somewhere just waiting to hit me, if only my mind and soul weren't completely preoccupied with everything else.  
  
We're at the edge of this ridge, and when we stop to look below, I can see a few of the men lighting up a whole line of torches, revealing the readied boats under its light.  
  
''It's time,'' I say.  
  
''I'm sorry I cannot come with,'' Rand says again, ''Luna doesn't trust me with the knowledge of this place yet, and I cannot blame her or hold it against her.''  
  
''If times were different I'd say she's too paranoid, but she's definitely not,'' I sigh, before facing my friend, ''I hate to say goodbye.''  
  
''Who says it's a goodbye,'' Rand smiles, ''Yu laik gona. Ste yuj. Kigon yo gonplei. Yu gada uf, jova, en hodnes in. ( _You're a warrior. Be strong. Keep fighting. You have strength, courage, and love_ ),'' he pauses, only to switch back, ''I don't doubt you.''  
  
''Thank you,'' I put a hand on his arm, before deciding to just throw my arms around his neck, ''I will never be able to repay you for everything.'' When I pull back from the hug and take a good look at his face for what might very well be the last time, I try not to tear up and savor this moment. ''Gouthru klir hashta yu soujon, Rand ( _Safe passage on your travels, Rand_ ),'' I say, ''Ste kefa ( _Be careful_.).''  
  
*  
  
''Where's Jasper?'' I ask as a few of the Flokru escort us to the boats, Rand among them.  
  
''Saying goodbye to his new friend,'' Octavia replies, to which I can't help but smile to myself. I can't help feeling a bit sad either.  
  
We're led to the same metal container we woke up in. A few Flokru come out first, fresh from a hunt or patrol or whatever they were doing on shore. Luna throws in all our gear first, as she'd promised. We get the weapons on the other side. ''Inside,'' some of the Flokru roughly usher us in, and I catch Rand giving them all dirty looks in turn.  
  
Octavia, Bellamy and I all step inside and wait for Clarke and Luna's final exchange. She's handing over the Flame. _It's truly over_.  
  
''I don't like the idea of blacking out again,'' I grumble, ''Soon it's gonna be one blackout too many.''  
  
Bellamy meets my glance, worry etched in his face.  
  
Then it all happens at once.  
  
The first person I see fall down is Rand. I don't even have time to scream. One by one - or all at once, I don't know - the Flokru warriors that have escorted us fall to the ground. I don't understand what's happened even when the newcomers have taken Luna and locked us inside the container. It doesn't reach me, because how could it? In what universe would Flokru turning on Flokru make immediate sense?  
  
Darkness has consumed us completely. We barely see each other's faces with the help of Octavia's flashlight. Not that I really see anything. I'm just sitting on the floor trying to make my brain work. Trying to absorb and rationalize reality. I can hear Octavia panicking, saying how they took the Flame and locked us in like it's not obvious. But why? Clarke is punching the walls, yelling and demanding an explanation.  
  
_Then_ I will myself to understand.  
  
''Luna's people are attacking her,'' Bellamy starts to explain.  
  
''ALIE's here,'' we say at the same time.  
  
A chill runs down my spine. Every hair on my body stands up.  
  
I all but jump back on my feet, and getting up so fast makes me dizzy. Or maybe it's the fact that all the blood's left my head so that it can give extra power to my limbs. Except there's no escape to use that extra power on. Bellamy keeps thrusting his entire body against the door, and with all the adrenaline coursing through me I can't think of anything else to do except help him.  
  
_Jasper and Rand are out there._  
  
I use all the strength I have in me, but no matter how hard we kick and push, the door doesn't even budge. Octavia and Clarke are trying to figure out another way out, but if there was one we wouldn't be trying to slam our way outside.  
  
I don't know for how long I do this, but at some point my side has become numb and I feel no pain. I know the bruising will give me hell in days to come - if I live that long - but I don't mean to stop until I drop burnt out.  
  
''T, stop. Stop!'' Bellamy grabs my shoulder, ''It's not working.''  
  
''We can't just sit and wait either!''  
  
''Arghhh!!!!'' Octavia kicks a wall, ''How did ALIE even find this place?!?''  
  
''There was a drone at Niylah's. She must have followed us looking for the flame,'' Bell says, ''And now she has it.''  
  
''How did we not think to destroy it?'' I ask, ''This is our fault!!''  
  
''She's gonna put the AI in Luna,'' Bellamy realizes.  
  
''She'd have to chip her first,'' Clarke argues, realizing, ''If Luna is chipped before she gets the AI, ALIE will know everything. We'll never be able to stop her. We can't let that happen,'' she gets up to keep punching the walls, ''Hey!!!''  
  
''We've brought this to them,'' I growl, shaking my head, wanting to punch a wall but this time just to hurt and punish myself, ''We bring destruction wherever we go!! We've destroyed the last safe place-''  
  
''Hey! Now's not the time to break down,'' Bellamy grabs my shoulders and gives the order, boring his eyes into mine. _Rand..._  
  
''She's right,'' Octavia says as she slides against the wall to sit down on the ground, ''This place was safe until we got here.''  
  
No one else says anything. I sit down next to her, and for a while it's all we can do. Sit and wait.  
  
It's gotten quiet outside. Too quiet. I know better than not to think it a bad sign.  
  
I don't know how much time passes until the door finally opens. We jump back to our feet because whoever just granted our freedom doesn't even have the strength to pull the door open. It's just a click, and then an inch ajar. I can hear the person's moans of pain even before I see who it is.  
  
''Oh my God,'' Clarke gets to the girl first, and it takes me a moment to realize she's the girl Jasper's spent the entire day with. I never even learned her name, yet here she is, dying on the floor with an arrow protruding from her back, all because of us.  
  
She's struggling, trying to tell us something, but all that comes out of her mouth are gasps. How can we live with this?  
  
''M- m-''  
  
''What?'' I ask, as though it will urge her, give her more life and strength to speak.  
  
''M-Machine.. room,'' she manages, blood dripping out of her mouth, ''B... level.''  
  
And then she passes away. There's no mistaking it - the relaxing of her body, the air leaving her chest for the last time. She looks pounds lighter, somehow. Something deep inside of me hurts like a cut of a knife. _This is wrong._  
  
''Let's go,'' Clarke says, but even as they get to running I know I need to take a second to do something. _I can afford a damn second_.  
  
''Tasha, come on!'' Bellamy calls.  
  
There is a small knife at her belt. With it, I cut off one of the braids in her hair. ''Yu gonplei ste odon,'' I murmur, putting the small braid in my pocket, keeping the knife in my hand.  
  
Considering how we were supposed to get our weapons back on shore, this could come in handy.  
  
Now I run.  
  
*  
  
Everyone's gone. Where did everybody go? It's just Luna and one of her own lying dead by her hand, a little girl shaking in fear, and Jasper tied in shackles against the wall.  _That_ gives me such a sudden and vivid Mount Weather flashback that it's all I can do not to scream. Instead I just throw my hands around him, not really wanting to let go.  
  
''Oh, thank God,'' I can barely breathe, trying to suppress tears.  
  
''I'm fine,'' Jasper says, then repeats the same to Octavia's insisting as she unties him and gets him down, ''They couldn't break me,'' he says.  
  
''Shay?'' he finally asks, and it's like someone's punched me in the abdomen, knocking all air out of me.  
  
''I'm sorry,'' Octavia shakes her head.  
  
''It's what we do,'' he says hollowly, an echo of me.  
  
Luna's cries of agony shake the walls and shatter the night as she cradles a friend's dead body. My blood runs cold.  
  
_Our fault._  
  
*  
  
We find that the survivors have clustered back into the common room, though I cannot say who is the survivor and who is the infiltrator. There are many I don't see here; did ALIE re-direct them somewhere? Are they amassing out there somewhere, like an army, and why? Where is Rand? I haven't seen him anywhere, and I've scoured every nook and cranny of this wretched place. He's not among the dead. Is he chipped?  
  
If he is, he's chipped because of me.  
  
As Luna prepares for the funerary ceremony, I can hardly pay attention. It takes all I have in me to stand upright and keep myself together. I don't know how I'll ever be able to live with this. We need to make this right.  
  
My mind is swirling as I fiddle with Shay's braid in my pocket. A reminder of our debt to pay. An oath to avenge every innocent that fell here tonight.  
  
''Any one of them could be chipped and we'd never know,'' Bellamy says as we look on the room of people, not one person standing out. In fact, they all seem to be in distress, a normal reaction. ALIE could be staring us right in the face and we couldn't know it.  
  
''If they are,'' Clarke says, ''They'll make their move before we put the Flame in Luna. Stay sharp.''  
  
''Changed her mind?'' Jasper asks.  
  
''Quiet.''  
  
Luna walks up to us, a girl in tow carrying a tray with ceremonial drinks. ''The ceremony is about to begin,'' Luna announces as we all take our chalices.  
  
''Luna, wait,'' Clarke stops her before she walks away, ''I'm so sorry. But now you see what we're facing. An enemy that will do anything to win. She won't stop until she has everyone.''  
  
''People I love died today. Needlessly. At my hand. I can't let that happen again,'' Luna says, holding up the Flame for everyone to see. Everyone in the room stands up. I don't dare hope though Clarke, and everyone else apparently, seems convinced that Luna's changed her mind. And sure enough, it looks like she's leaning in toward our plan. Like she's willing to be talked to, to be persuaded.  
  
Yet still, I don't dare get my hopes up. Someone has to remain un-shattered should it come to the worst.  
  
''As we prepare to give our brothers and sister to the sea,'' Luna announces, ''We honor their lives. Kom woda 'so gyon op, gon woda 'so kom daun.''  
  
Everyone repeats the words in unison, and I murmur them quietly, with shame. As everyone takes a sip in their honor, I bring the chalice to my lips. Again, with shame.  
  
''If we're gonna do this, we have to hurry,'' Clarke tells Luna, ''ALIE will send reinforcements. And we have to find some place private to perform the Ascension.''  
  
There is something in Luna's eyes that lets me know even before her words do - a quiet resolve, a complacency with her grief, and a special kind of strength. The eyes say it all.  
  
She won't do this.  
  
''You believe that to defeat an enemy who will stop at nothing, you must stop at nothing,'' Luna says, ''How is that different than _blood must have blood_?''  
  
''Wait a second. Luna. You can't just-,'' Octavia starts, but her words are interrupted as she falls down to the ground. I don't share the surprise I see on Clarke's face. Bellamy and Jasper fall next, then Clarke. I must have been the last one to take a sip, because I'm the last one standing.  
  
The last thing I see is Luna walking away and the entire room watching me as I fall into blackness.


	40. Chapter 40

The rover's been charging for hours now, and the wait has been torment. I've used the time to prepare, but even as I'm finishing another batch of arrows, I can't quiet my mind. I have this ugly feeling on my skin like I'm being watched, like ALIE's in the trees themselves somehow, stalking her prey. And if I'm not thinking about how she might somehow snatch me up here, distanced from the rest, then I'm thinking about Rand. And John. And everyone else. Are all of them chipped? I'll have to assume they are. I might even have to fight them. It might be the hardest thing I've had to do so far - even after everything that's happened.  
  
Cheery thoughts.  
  
''Hey,'' Octavia says as she sits down on the grass next to me. She's learned to be so silent that I almost didn't hear her, and I don't think that's a skill she recently acquired. I suppose being silent was what kept her alive back on the Ark.  
  
''Hey.''  
  
She offers me exactly seven arrows, tipped flawlessly sharp. Despite the lack of good arrowheads, these babies could effortlessly kill in a split-second. Technically, I could make some arrowheads out of stone, but no one has the time or the patience. I admire the small batch she's gifted me - Octavia has this thing about sharpness; you'll never find her weapons in anything other than perfect condition.  
  
''Sharpened all of my blades and went over our supplies three times over,'' she explains, ''I had to find something to do.''  
  
''Thanks,'' I smile, as I put them in my quiver.  
  
Octavia looks like she wants to tell me something, but then thinks better of it, closing her mouth. It doesn't slip past my notice, though. I wonder what's on her mind, but I also feel like I should say something to her. I'm not sure what, but it's like this vague feeling that certain things need to be said between me and her. It's literally nudging me onward, but there are no words in my mouth.  
  
''I, uh...,'' I start stupidly, and berate myself for it immediately. I literally have no idea how I'm supposed to turn into words all the crap that's inside of me, so I should have just kept my mouth shut.  
  
But it's like she reads me better than I read myself.  
  
''Don't,'' she says, ''Whatever it is. There's nothing to explain, or justify, or apologize for, if that's what you're thinking about. I don't want any of that. We can't change the past.''  
  
I think of Lincoln, and guilt grips my throat so suddenly that I think I might choke.  
  
''Guess it's no worth saying that I'm sorry either,'' I say.  
  
''No, it's not,'' she says, ''We all feel sorry for a lot of things. That can't change the past either.''  
  
''I know, O. It's just- There was a time when you and I were a team,'' I finally say, ''I don't know how we found ourselves on two different sides of a war.''  
  
''Don't do that,'' she shakes her head, ''You know we didn't, not really. I know how hard it must have been from the inside,'' she says, ''Besides, it doesn't matter. That's in the past now.''  
  
''You and I both know it wasn't enough. I didn't do enough,'' I find it in me to say, ''It was like I sleep-walked through half of it. And for the rest of my life I'll be haunted by questions. If I'd done more... how much of a difference would I have made. Would they still be alive.''  
  
Octavia swallows something painful. Maybe I've gone too far re-opening wounds, but I have to own up to my shit again.  
  
''I told you,'' she says, ''Don't do that. He wouldn't- You didn't fail him. It's not on you.''  
  
I want to say that I did fail him, because I feel like I did. I failed them both, and everyone else that suffered because of Pike's regime. The fact that I even thought he might have been right, and when I learned that he wasn't tried to influence him, change things from the inside - what the hell was I thinking? I'm not some one woman army. And I'd largely over-estimated my effect on him, and my role in Arkadia. Kane could have done so much more with me, but he didn't want to risk someone on the inside. And we didn't do enough.  
  
And now Lincoln's dead.  
  
''Anyway, I just... I don't know, I just wanted you to know you can still count on me,'' I give a sour smile, ''Despite past muck ups.''  
  
She grins, despite herself. ''We've had plenty of those,'' she nods, ''And I know I can,'' she places a hand on my shoulder before she gets up to walk away, ''I've always known.''  
  
I sit for a while longer, fingering my arrows absent-mindedly. I've run out of my supply, so only half of them are feathered. A sorry bunch. I think of dad, and how he always made them work. My heart twists in pain.  
  
Guilt is really being a bitch today.  
  
I think about my conversation with Octavia, and I can't help feeling like there's something left unsaid. I mean, we were never bestest buds braiding each other's hair as we share secrets, but we _were_ kind of close. It's normal that things have changed, we're both different people after everything, but I can't help wishing, somewhere deep inside, that we could bridge this gap between us, even though I know we can't. Even though I know this gap isn't just between her and I, but between her and all of us. It feels like we're losing her. Like we've all hurt her too badly for her to be able to look at any of us in the same way ever again. We, her people, have betrayed her.  
  
What did she want to tell me?  
  
I get up, dusting my butt off. At least I know we're cool. No matter what's happened, I am one of the few people she'll always be able to call hers, and I'm glad that she knows it as well as I. Slinging my bow and quiver across my shoulder, I make my way back to the rover.  
  
''Rover's almost charged,'' Bellamy announces, ''We need to pack up. We'll be home soon.''  
  
''Then what,'' asks Clarke, ''Run away?!''  
  
''We're not running away, Clarke,'' Bell replies, ''We need to regroup with the others and find another way to defeat-''  
  
''There is no other way,'' Clarke insists, ''We need to find a Nightblood. We need to unlock the Flame. It's the only way to stop ALIE.''  
  
''I told you, Clarke, and I'm not gonna tell you again,'' I say, dropping off my bow into the vehicle, ''There is no way in hell I'll bring what we brought to Luna to some other innocent folks. This ends now, and it ends here. I'm sorry. We need to find another way.''  
  
''What do you expect us to do, Clarke, walk into random villages asking for their Nightbloods?'' Jasper asks.  
  
''If that's what it takes.''  
  
''No, Clarke,'' says Octavia, ''If ALIE can find us on Luna's rig, then she can find us anywhere. I won't help you destroy another innocent Grounder village either.''  
  
''If we don't find a Nightblood, there won't be any Grounder villages or a home for us to go back to.''  
  
''That's all the more reason we go there and make sure our friends are ok,'' replies Bellamy.  
  
Clarke's obviously lost the argument, and for a short moment she tries to think of something else to say, but then she just gives up and storms off. I really am sorry, but I also know that we can't keep doing what we've been doing. If there isn't another way, then we'll have to create one, somehow, anyhow. And the first step to doing that is getting back home to the brains of our group - Raven and Monty.  
  
''She'll be fine,'' Jasper tells us as both mine and Bellamy's instinct is to follow Clarke into the woods, ''Just let her cool off.''  
  
''Right,'' I grumble, propping myself up on the hub of the rover, next to Jasper. Bellamy likes this just about as much as I do, but he decides to get back to checking up on the rover, and in his passing pats Jasper's leg comfortingly. I don't know why I catch that gesture, but it warms my heart. This - how tight we stick together - is what will define our chances of survival in times to come.  
  
''Looks like you guys talked things out,'' Jasper mumbles once Bellamy distances himself, nudging my shoulder.  
  
I roll my eyes, ''Don't be a gossip.''  
  
He wiggles his eyebrows instead and I can't help but burst into giggles. ''I hate you,'' I shake my head.  
  
''Keep lying to yourself, sweetie,'' he jokes.  
  
''Anyway, you should probably put the mp3 player to charge in the rover,'' I say, ''Tensions are pretty high around here. Looks like we might need some of the music on that thing.''  
  
''Right,'' he says, but somehow, for some reason, he looks suddenly confused. Or maybe just thrown aback? What did I do? Did I impose? Maybe that mp3 player is too much of an important personal possession and he's not prepared to truly share it with all of us. I get that.  
  
''Sorry,'' I say as he feels up his pocket, as though he's just remembered the gadget's in there, ''You don't have to, it's just- I'm pretty sure Maya had great taste in music,'' I smile, trying to turn this around.  
  
''Yeah,'' he replies absent-mindedly, now going through the list of songs as though to remind himself, ''I guess she did.''  
  
''You okay?'' I ask.  
  
''Yeah,'' he suddenly lifts up his head and speaks up as though finally woken from his daze, ''It's just... I guess I haven't really thought about her this past couple of days until now.''  
  
''Oh. I'm sorry.''  
  
''No, it's- It's alright. I'll put it to charge.''  
  
When Jasper gets into the rover, he stays there. I assume he's turned on the music on low volume that I can't hear from the outside. I leave him be and stay where I am, but once I see Bellamy and Octavia working silently around the rover, I decide to jump in and break up the tension between them. It works.  
  
Some time passes like that and I realize that Clarke's been gone way too long for my liking. I mean, I was creeped out about the possibility of getting snatched up earlier, but Clarke literally carries the Flame around with her. She's top priority on ALIE's wanted list. Maybe I'm paranoid, but I'd much better like it if we stayed close at all times. By the look on his face, Bellamy seems to share the same sentiments. Knowing him, he just doesn't want to voice it out and cause unnecessary panic in any of us for no reason.  
  
''I don't like this, she's had enough time to cool off,'' I finally say as I take my bow again, ''I'm going after her.''  
  
''No, you're staying here,'' Bellamy says, holstering a gun, ''I'm going. Don't leave the rover.''  
  
''Oh, so you're back in charge,'' I half-tease, ''I said I was going first. It's practically like calling dibs. What kind of barbarian doesn't respect dibs?''  
  
To my surprise, I manage to coax a smile out of him. ''I'll be right back,'' he says.  
  
They don't take too long, but when Bellamy and Clarke come back, somehow I'm not even surprised they've come with someone else. I'm not even horrified when they half-carry half-drag an unconscious body back to the rover. The fact that I'm getting used to some pretty bizarre crap speaks volumes of our situation.  
  
''What the hell?''  
  
''We'll put him in the back,'' Bell says once Octavia and I jump on our feet to help, ''We're bringing him back to Arkadia.''  
  
''Is that-?'' I start.  
  
''Yeah.''  
  
What was his name - Roan? I remember the first time we crossed paths, and even that was... bloody.  
  
''Why is he bleeding?!''  
  
''Had to make sure,'' Bellamy replies. Shaking it off, I get in right after, getting to bandaging our newest prisoner's arm. I don't want him to bleed all over our rover. Or to, you know, bleed out and die. By the time I've bandaged the wound, Bellamy's already started the vehicle and gotten us out of this grove.  
  
''Is someone gonna start explaining any time soon?'' Jasper asks.  
  
''He wanted the Flame. To put it in Ontari,'' Clarke explains, ''And I'm thinking, maybe we can do that.''  
  
''Ontari-?!'' Octavia starts.  
  
''More on that when we get to Raven,'' I interrupt, ''What if he wakes up and goes on a rampage? Maybe I should tie him up.''  
  
''Don't,'' Clarke says, ''He won't.''  
  
''You sure?'' I ask, ''I mean, Bellamy did kind of shoot him.''  
  
''He stabbed me in the leg, now we're even,'' Bellamy says, then pauses, ''On second thought, yeah, tie him up.''  
  
''Aiite.''  
  
''Well, no reason not to listen to some casual Rolling Stones,'' Jasper says, pressing play on a song and letting it gently sound through the speakers.  
  
Again, despite everything, I smile.  
  
*  
  
It's pretty late by the time we make it back home - probably a few hours after midnight. The sight of friendly faces lifts a boulder off my chest, and once Nathan closes up the gates behind us, I suddenly feel safe. Roan had, blessedly, been sleeping soundly for the biggest part of the trip back, and once he did wake up, he remained calm despite everything, which is even more unnerving. He's too calm and collected not to be dangerous. On the other hand, I've managed to put enough pressure on his wound with the bandages that he hasn't been losing blood at all, so maybe I've bought him for a short time and he won't try to kill me first once he gets the chance. Maybe.  
  
Seeing everyone feels too damn good. It's like we've been gone for ages, and I never want to split us up ever again. I'm tempted to hug the crap out of every single one of them, but choose not to be so panicky. They all look good, all things considered. Raven looks like she hasn't slept since she hijacked a drop-ship to Earth, but her enthusiasm is unwavering.  
  
We re-tell and explain everything through their disappointment, watching hope leave them as they realize we've failed. Then Clarke brings up the new plan, which is really just a mere basis of a vague sort-of-plan for now, and a new spark lights up. It wouldn't be that bad of a plan - I mean, Raven is proof that people can be disconnected from ALIE - but I'm not sure how willing Roan will be to help us.  
  
''Any break-throughs around here?'' I ask Raven later as we sit on the floor cross-legged in front of her computers, looking over her codes. Even now, as we wait for Clarke and Bellamy to finish interrogating Roan, she won't take a break. I gave up immediately and joined her instead, bringing along snacks. Sometimes she doesn't even look away from the screens when she takes more nuts out of the bowl. And some screens they are. When I look at them, all I see are random numbers and letters; to Raven, they paint a picture. I'm reminded of how much of a genius she is.  
  
''Kind of. Sort of. But no, not really,'' she replies, pauses, then adds an after-thought, ''Unless you consider Monty and Harper a break-through.''  
  
I choke on a hazelnut. ''Wha-at?!'' I cough up.  
  
''Oh yeah,'' she nods, popping another hazelnut into her mouth, eyes never leaving the screen, ''Bless their souls, yeah.''  
  
''Wow,'' I say, ''Wow. Okay,'' I chew through a mouthful, ''I kind of envy them.''  
  
Raven takes a moment before bursting into giggles, which spread onto me so contagiously that I can't help it. ''Yeah, me too,'' she laughs. And I realize I haven't seen her laugh in a long, long while.  
  
*  
  
Nathan's almost eaten his own fingernails by the time Bellamy and Clarke are done talking to Roan. Bryan's just been mistrustful and disapproving the whole time instead, and I can't blame him what with trying to bring one of Azgeda over to our side, and no other than the king himself.  
  
But all three of us are blown away when we find out that the man's actually willing to cooperate.  
  
''Gather round,'' Bellamy announces once they're back in the hangar bay, ''We need to work this plan through.''  
  
Everyone all but jumps onto their feet, so eager to hear what we do next that none of us seem to be able to stand still. Roan stands with us a free man, but I make sure to keep my eye on him at all times, though it seems others are even more distrustful than I am. Bell tells us that Roan seems to understand the stakes and that he's in on this with us, but it doesn't do much in the way of any of us relaxing around him, Bellamy included.  
  
''Getting Roan to Ontari is easy, what's not easy is abducting her without letting ALIE - which means anyone - see,'' Bellamy says, ''If they catch so much as a whiff of it, we're done.''  
  
''The tunnels, the elevator we climbed,'' I remember, ''We can use that again.''  
  
''That was the idea, but it's what we do once we do infiltrate that matters,'' Clarke says, ''Obviously, we can't just go killing people on our way.''  
  
''No, but we can put 'em to sleep,'' Nathan offers, speaking up, a spark in his eyes, ''We still got all that knockout gas from Mount Weather. And plenty to send a whole village to Dreamland.''  
  
''That's great, Miller, get on that,'' Bell orders, to which Nate nods immediately and doesn't waste a second, ''I'm gonna need you to check every single one of those gas bombs and do the inventory, we'll want everyone to have enough on them and accordingly.''  
  
''What was your general idea before Nate just suggested this?!'' I demand, ''What if we didn't have the knockout gas? We're rushing into this.''  
  
''I was prepared to go cracking heads along our way, yes,'' Bellamy replies, ''But thankfully, we have a better option. And we're rushing because we're running out of time.''  
  
''If we're just gonna die because of a poorly thought-out plan then it doesn't matter how much time we have,'' I say, ''I know you want to get on this as soon as possible, but we need to go through every detail for every single one of us.''  
  
''We're heading out before the sun comes up,'' Clarke says, ''We plan now. What we come up with here is what we'll have. That's it.''  
  
''Wow,'' I say, ''Wow, okay. Certainty of death, small chance of success - what are we waiting for?''  
  
I don't know what I expected, but no one really has much of a reaction to that.  
  
_John would have caught that reference._


	41. Chapter 41

Detailing out the plan took us less time than I thought it would, and I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. The plan is solid enough, and maybe it's better not to overthink everything. As long as everyone follows through with their parts, we should be fine. If push comes to shove and something unexpected happens, I guess we're just gonna have to wing it.  
  
Wow. That's not very comforting. I feel like I should be more nervous than I am. We could all die by the end of the day. Or we could pretty much save the world. I suppose when the stakes come to such extremes, it all becomes so absurd that you can't even react normally. Being nervous would be almost silly.  
  
I _am_ all but vibrating with adrenaline, though. The hairs on my body are just about standing upright as we're packing up the rover.  
  
''I know she's lucky, but maybe you should take the gun instead this time,'' Nate says as he hands me my M16, a night-vision scope in his other hand.  
  
Zoe Monroe found me that scope. She gave it to me as a battle gift, and the thought hurts as much as it warms my heart.  
  
''I can't leave her behind either,'' I say as I put Freyja into the rover, ''I just can't, so.''  
  
Nathan's right though. The best possible version of all this would be if we didn't have to fire a single bullet, but that would be naive of me to hope for. And if things go south, chances are I'll need to be fast. Which means bullet over arrow. I take the M16, check the safety, install the scope and attach the belt.  
  
''Here,'' Nathan adds, pulling out a suppressor, ''Mount Weather _originale_.''  
  
''Nice,'' I adjust it. We'll have to be stealthy, and since I'll be taking point, I'll need this the most. ''How are we with ammo?''  
  
''Pretty good,'' Nate replies, checking his own gun once more, ''Wick just about doubled our supplies. Didn't even know he was working on that.''  
  
Wick? When? Oh, Kyle... You may be annoying, but you're full of awesome surprises.  
  
''I'll make sure to thank him then.''  
  
''I sat out the search for Luna, but I really think I should go this time around,'' Sean tells me.  
  
''I told you, Sean; this is a stealth mission,'' I tell him, ''The six of us in the tunnels is already too much.''  
  
As much as he'd like to help by going, he knows I'm right, so he reluctantly agrees again. Besides, I'd much rather have him here, protecting the others. Harper's the best shot, but he's not far behind.

It will be time to go soon. I check my gear one more time - better now than in the rover when we're already on our way. Boots still decent, blades still in 'em. Old cargo pants still holding the cargo. Belt still belting the small machete and another extra magazine. Guard vest - undamaged.  
  
I've fought in worse condition.  
  
''Alright, let's move out,'' Bellamy pats the hood of the rover in announcement. No more dallying. I hug Jasper and Sean and Harper with a ''Keep 'em safe''. Raven gets a ''Don't forget to eat'' and Monty a ''Please bring her food''. Monty gives me a smile, albeit sad, and my hand lingers on his shoulder. I forget the personal hell he lives in. He's done the hardest thing of all of us.  
  
We have to do this. For all of them. For all those who've already fallen, so that their deaths will somehow matter more. So that Monty's hand is less heavy with blood.  
  
We have to do this.  
  
*  
  
I stop the rover right outside of Polis, where the whole city lays itself down at our feet. Then I pull it back into the trees. No need for a Skaikru beacon. It's still dark with no sign of dawn, though I know better.  
  
''Alright, this is where we split up,'' Roan announces, ''The entrance to the tunnel is right over there-''  
  
''Yeah, we know where it is,'' retorts Bell.  
  
''I'm gonna need the Flame,'' insists Roan to no one's liking, ''Look, this only works if they send Ontari out to get it. If they don't see it, they won't do that, not much of a trap without the bait.''  
  
He's right, and every single one of us knows that. Doesn't mean we have to like it. Bellamy least of all of us, by the look of him. Clarke is reluctant, but she still pulls out the small metal box.  
  
''Fine,'' she says, ''But I'm coming with you.''  
  
''What?! Clarke-,'' I start.  
  
''No way,'' Bellamy argues, ''That is not the plan.''  
  
''It is now. I'm not letting that out of my sight,'' she replies, then turns to Roan, ''And I'm the only one who knows the passphrase, so you can tell them that without me, Ontari can't ascend.''  
  
''You'll need to look like my prisoner,'' Roan just says.  
  
''Okay-''  
  
''Clarke.''  
  
''Wait a second!'' Bellamy demands, ''Give us a minute.''  
  
Roan steps away, and so do the rest of us. I don't like it, but if Bellamy decides this is the only way, then it's the only way. He's the one least likely to risk any one of us for any reason. There's no mistrusting his judgement.  
  
We watch them talk for a while, Nathan shooting me a worried look. I silently agree. Clarke in the clutches and at the mercy of Ontari can't be good, regardless of the advantage and leverage we may think we have. And though Roan _seems_ genuine, he's still Ice Nation. We could have done without this.  
  
When Bellamy steps away, he only nods to us. He looks like he'd rather eat a live scorpion, but he nods in agreement to the plan nonetheless. And all Nate and I can do is help gag and tie Clarke up.  
  
If there's a God, he better help us now.  
  
*  
  
''Move, move, move. Come on, let's go,'' Bellamy whispers in urgency, and the only thing I can hear beside it is everyone's silent footsteps behind us.  
  
''Easy, check your corners,'' I say, because I feel like in this rush everyone needs to be God damn reminded, ''Clear left.''  
  
''Clear right,'' adds Bellamy. I don't know how far into the tunnels we are, but if we don't get where we should be soon I'm going to lose my damn mind. The sun's long come up, and there's barely a crack to let any of the daylight in. We turn a left, then a right, then two more lefts, until finally...  
  
''Here we are,'' Bell says, ''This is it. Get these grates open.''  
  
Bell and I take down the first one and position the guns. I turn off the night vision on the scope and peer onto the streets of Polis. Bathed in the light of a cloudy morning, the city is almost completely desolate. If I didn't remember to be nervous before, I am now.  
  
''It's like a ghost town,'' I mumble, ''What the _hell_ is going on here?''  
  
''Let's get ready,'' Bellamy only says, which reminds me to check the gas bombs on me again. Can't be too sure of the numbers and the equipment.  
  
_''Are we ever gonna be done fighting?''_  
_''Hell yes. We're gonna build a house on a lake... and you're gonna plant corn.''_  
_''And raise chickens.''_  
_''Yeah... And grow old.''_  
  
I'm not exactly sure why my heart curls up into a tiny ball, but I know I could have done without hearing that conversation now. The future Bryan and Nate dream about... even if we don't die today, it might be impossible. We could still lose. And even if we don't, the Earth has no shortage of ways in which it might try to kill us.  
  
God damn it, I can't think like that. Have I grown so used to fighting that I wouldn't know how to live without it? Am I that far gone? Why is it so hard to just... dream?  
  
It reminds me of the conversation Bellamy and I had back at the oil rig.  
  
_''You think we'll ever have that? A normal life? Just sitting down after a long day of hard work to watch the sunset and rest peacefully.''_  
_''Not very soon, no. Maybe never. At least not you and I.''_  
  
It was fine then, but remembering it now breaks my heart. It's the truth. I mean, this is the future Octavia and Lincoln wanted, and look what happened.  
  
Crap. Octavia.  
  
''Alright, focus, everyone,'' just the sight of Octavia's face makes me break up the conversation, ''They'll be here any moment now.''  
  
It's like a premonition, because...  
  
''11 o'clock!'' Bellamy announces, my eye back on the scope, ''Roan will signal when he sees Ontari,'' he adds, ''We wait until she's standing in front of them, and then we launch the gas.''  
  
''They're gonna be holding their breath, so we got to move fast,'' Bryan says.  
  
''Anyone who gets in our way, we use nonlethal force. These people are not the enemy. They're being controlled,'' Bellamy says, as though we need to be reminded, ''The only thing we're here to kill is ALIE. Is that clear?''  
  
''Clear,'' everyone replies in a row.  
  
''Sir, yes, sir,'' I tease with a smirk, and I can see him smile despite himself in the corner of my eye.  
  
I can see Roan and Clarke walk closer to the few people still meditating before the entrance. When he finally decides he's picked the right spot, Roan lifts the Flame up in the air and makes his presence known. He's probably speaking at the top of his lungs, but in here it's like listening to someone talk through a long pipe that goes through two floors at least.  
  
_''I am Roan, King of Azgeda, and I have what the Commander seeks.''_  
  
''Get ready,'' I say quietly, my stomach queasy. This is it. At the vague mention of the Flame, every single person in the courtyard gets up on their feet immediately, as though woken from a deep slumber. A chill runs down my spine, my hand on the grip of the gun sweatier than it should be. Roan tells them something, but this time I can't hear it. He stands his ground though, the Flame still up in the air, despite the people approaching them, forming a circle around them. Someone else may not notice, but Clarke is just about terrified. She's holding up like a champion, though.  
  
''I know I say this a lot,'' I say, ''But I don't like this.''  
  
''What's going on?'' Nathan asks.  
  
''It's Jaha,'' Bellamy says.  
  
''What?!?'' I scan the perimeter looking for the man, and sure enough, there he is, walking out, straight from the Tower.  
  
''What the hell is he doing here?'' O asks.  
  
''You see Ontari?'' Nate asks.  
  
''Not even a glimpse,'' I say, something cold creeping up my throat. This isn't how it was supposed to go.  
  
''Hold,'' Bellamy orders.  
  
If Clarke wasn't showing her fear earlier, she sure as hell is doing it now. I don't know what Jaha tells her that makes her go paler than she already is. Roan then tells Jaha something, probably asking for Ontari, but when Jaha replies he extends a hand instead. Asking for the Flame.  
  
''Something's wrong,'' Bell says.  
  
''You don't say,'' I try not to shiver, but another chill goes through me nevertheless. Usually, when my body is sending me this many alarming red flags, I bolt. So why are we still here?  
  
Jaha speaks again, but when Roan seemingly refuses him, the circle of people around them just grows tighter. ''Guys, this is bad,'' I say, but before I can finish the sentence, Roan already has Clarke's throat beneath his blade. _''Back up, or she dies!!!''_  
  
''Do it!'' Bellamy orders, ''Now!!''  
  
I reach for a gas bomb, but the moment my fingers touch the lid, something hits my elbow and disarms me with such force that a searing, blinding pain goes through my entire twisted arm and I could swear it reaches my very brain, the core pulsating.

''On your knees!!! Drop your weapons!!! Blake, Parish, against the wall!!''

I can't even think about damaged tendons before I'm pressed face first against the wall, half the air from my lungs forced right out.   
  
Our people, guard uniforms still on every single one of them. When I look to Octavia, I recognize the man tying her up. Did Jonas get chipped when Arkadia fell, or before that? It doesn't matter in the slightest, it's just that the fact that ALIE had been creeping up on us right in our home while we were fighting a pointless war and our eyes were looking elsewhere pisses me all the way the fuck off.  
  
I tighten my fists as I feel the guard behind me tie me up. It's an old trick Rand taught me - if you clench your fists while you're being tied up it will leave more room for your hands when they relax. Then it's just a matter of working your way out.  
  
We're pushed out of the room and back into the tunnels, and when the guards are satisfied with the distance they've made, they shove us down on our knees. Two of them leave since they're no longer needed, and I can only guess ALIE's distributing silent orders. I could laugh at how absurd this all is. We could have taken them even back there in that dungeon room had it not been for the element of surprise on their side, not to mention now if we weren't disarmed and tied up. Why the hell didn't we take Sean with us? Having one extra person as a guard wouldn't have been such a waste of resources. Even if there had been any fear in me, it's all transformed into pure fury now.  
  
The guards don't talk to us as we wait, for what - I don't know. They barely even look at us from time to time. I know this isn't personal, but they're so detached from reality that locking eyes with any one of them gives me goosebumps. There's nothing in there but emptiness. The absolute absence of human emotion makes them no different than robots right now. When Jonas looks at me, I don't think he even recognizes me. He knows who I am because he has access to ALIE's database, but he doesn't _know_ me.  
  
I don't know how long we wait but the pain in my knees is starting to turn into numbness and it's like there's a black hole in the pit of my stomach trying to suck the rest of me in. The longer we wait here, the more danger we put everyone in, especially Clarke. But what choice do we have? I could get free with the blade in my boot that's right in my reach, but would I be able to take down four people before they take me down? I'm alright, but I'm not that good.  
  
''Let's go,'' Jonas says, ''She wants Bellamy.''  
  
''No-,'' I start, but my voice is small.  
  
''Where are you taking him?'' Octavia asks, but in her instinct to go after him, one of the guards decides to hit her in the stomach to bring her back to her knees.  
  
''Leave her alone!!'' Bellamy growls as panic threatens to make me suffocate, ''O- O- It's ok, O. It's ok,'' he turns to me, looks me right in the eyes, ''I'm ok.''  
  
''No,'' I say as I watch two guards take Bellamy away, but not even I can hear myself. There is a lump in my throat, and the reality of defeat that threatens to wash over me. Deep down I know that this might be the last time I'm seeing him, and I can do nothing.  
  
How did we let everything become so hopeless? When exactly? How the hell am I on my knees with my hands tied right now, just watching the love of my life dragged away into a probable death, doing nothing? And how unfair is it that life has completely prepared me for this?  
  
Just as the shadows of the tunnel ahead swallow Bellamy whole, a familiar voice echoes through, reaching every cell in my body. It's a voice that gives me hope before I can even put two and two together and attach a face to it. All previous hopelessness is blown away and out of me just the way the wind blows away the dust and pollen, leaving the surface fresh to soak the sun in.  
  
''You know, if I were you, I'd hit the deck.''  
  
''Murphy?'' I can hear Bellamy say, and my heart threatens to push its way out of my chest. Is he alone? What the hell is he doing?! Some olden instinct gives me an answer even before Bellamy shouts.  
  
''Everyone hit the ground!!!!!!''  
  
My face hits the floor before he even finishes the sentence, and despite the situation we're in my mind still chooses to acknowledge the filth and mold I'm soaking into my skin right now. It doesn't last long, but it might as well have lasted forever, that moment in which I hold my breath and pray somewhere deep in my mind that we've all made it in time. The guards have all fallen by the time the bullets stop, Jonas's body falling right next to me. I don't have time to process it as the next thing happens.  
  
''Fancy meeting you here,'' I can hear Murphy say, but when I look up it's Indra and Pike by his side, Indra with a gun no less. John and Bell say something to each other, but I can no longer hear it; I've zoned out.  
  
This is all too much.  
  
I don't really believe my eyes yet. My brain literally won't accept that it's John even as I watch him help Nathan up and move on to me. It's not him until I touch him.  
  
''Hey there,'' he says as I sit up and let him cut the rope around my wrists, ''You okay?''  
  
''Are you kidding me?!?'' I almost shriek, plastering a hand on his cheek to make sure he's real. He wants to laugh, but I don't let him when I throw my arms around his neck.  
  
''Glad to see you too,'' he says, and I can somehow hear the smile in his voice.  
  
''Next time Jaha offers you a field trip, can you not go?'' I ask when I pull back.  
  
He offers me a hand, ''Don't worry, I've learned _that_ lesson.''  
  
I take his hand to stand up, ignoring the ache in my legs. For a moment he looks emotional, as my hand lingers in his. I smile, trying to communicate that everything is okay. He nods once before letting go. We've so completely blocked out the reality around us that we didn't even register the commotion between Octavia and Pike. I know Octavia, and I know she's hell-bent on avenging Lincoln. Having them together can't be a good idea, but right now we have no choice, nor do we have the time. They're still arguing when John breaks them up.  
  
''You guys missed the part where it's time to go?!''  
  
''We're not leaving,'' says Bell.  
  
''We just saved your lives,'' John says, ''Why do I think I'm gonna regret that?''  
  
''Clarke is in trouble.''  
  
''Clarke's always in trouble.''  
  
''We're not leaving her,'' I say, ''I don't care what it takes. She wouldn't leave us. Any one of us.''  
  
''They took her and the Flame to the tower,'' Bellamy explains, ''It's a safe bet Ontari's there, too. Everything we need to stop ALIE is in the same place.''  
  
''If we go up that tower, we won't be able to fight our way out again,'' Octavia reasons the state of facts.  
  
''If we stop ALIE, we won't have to,'' Bellamy argues.  
  
''Up the tower. Great,'' John grumbles, ''You know, after this, doing the right thing can kiss my ass.''  
  
''I'm so proud of you,'' I mock tease him, clapping his forearm, before breaking off toward the tunnels behind.  
  
''Where are you going?!'' John asks.  
  
''All our gear's back in the dungeon,'' I can hear Bellamy reply. If I can still hear them, I'm not fast enough. So I break into the hardest sprint I can muster.  
  
Clarke, we're coming.


	42. Chapter 42

Pike insists on taking point, but I don't trust him, and as much as Bellamy and I try to be the eyes ahead, Pike keeps holding at least a pace ahead of us. He did just help save our lives, and I can't not be grateful that the universe brought them our way, but I don't like this. This is a man that won't hesitate to put down any number of Grounders that comes our way; hell, he might not even hesitate to kill our own. And what's the point of killing ALIE if we're going to kill innocents anyway?  
  
I don't want to see him shoot another one of my friends ever again.  
  
''Up that hatch, come on,'' I urge, but when Pike makes to go first, this time I grab his arm and stop him, '' _I'm_ taking point.''  
  
''You don't give the orders, kiddo,'' he grabs the ledge, but I press the barrel of my gun right at his chest instead.  
  
''Like hell I don't.''  
  
''Woah, woah!''  
  
''Easy!''  
  
''Tasha,'' Bellamy all but chides me, his voice full of warning.  
  
''Relax, the safety's on,'' I sling back the gun and grab the ledge as my eyes linger on Pike's face for a short moment. He may have gone just a tad bit paler for a split-second there, but I don't think he believes I'd actually ever shoot him.  
  
He's wrong.  
  
I haul myself into the vent that leads into the other tunnel. The vents are big, but there's still not enough room to stand upright, and the air is so stale and warm and dense for some reason that I can feel drops of sweat forming on my skin in less than a minute. It's not exactly pleasant to breathe either, but we have to get to the other side so we can go up the elevator. Our footsteps and breathing echo through.  
  
''Watch out, it's dark in here,'' I warn, turning on the night vision on my scope. Not a second later, a small splash of light shows me the way ahead instead. ''You're welcome,'' Pike says. I don't reply as I turn the night vision back off.  
  
''You know, you're one of the finest fighters this wretched Earth has right about now,'' he adds as he scans the path ahead, ''Never thought you the one to let personal matters impede your judgement.''  
  
''Personal? If this was personal, you wouldn't be here right now,'' I retort, ''It's everything but. Just stand back.''  
  
''I'm afraid I can't do that,'' he says, ''It just so happens that I'm one of our best fighters too.''  
  
''That's exactly the problem. You're way too aggressive, and I don't trust you,'' I almost growl at him, ''You killed _one_ of my friends, and I intend to keep that number from rising.''  
  
This time, he has no reply. Either that, or he's wise enough to shut up. The rest of the way, we walk in silence. I'm the first to jump out of the vent, Pike right at my heels, then Bellamy and everyone else, with Bryan at the rear.  
  
''This way,'' Bellamy announces, so we take off into a light jog. We don't run far until we find the elevator shaft, but we're still underground, and the elevator is manned from the first floor. We have to climb up there first if we're going to use the mechanism.  
  
''Great,'' John grumbles as we stare up, some light from the first floor reaching down through. I don't see the elevator, so it must be far up, in which case we have plenty of time to climb to the first floor. Let's just hope nobody falls.  
  
''Okay, nobody die,'' I say, grabbing the ladder in the side of the wall. Bellamy grabs the metal bars right next to me, and slowly and carefully, we make our way up. The others follow, equally slowly and carefully. One slip and there could be irreparable damage.  
  
Bellamy climbs onto the floor first, giving me a hand and boosting me over. We jump back on our feet immediately, guns ready, because people could pass through this hallway at any given moment, and we can't be caught unguarded again. In another moment, we're all back in formation, making our way ahead. The elevator mechanism is in a room down the hall.  
  
''Easy,'' Bell warns before we enter the manning room, and even as we near it I can tell by the sound that someone's there, working the wheel. We wait a second to get our bearings before we turn the corner, but Pike doesn't wait as long.  
  
He pushes between us as he re-takes point, and we don't even have the chance to utter a syllable before he's barged into the room and gunned down the two Polis guards.  
  
''What the hell-!!!'' I yell.  
  
''Hey, I told you, that is not how we're doing this!!'' Bellamy argues, but Pike doesn't even slow down.  
  
''They were in our way.''  
  
''These people are not our enemy!'' Bell goes on, but the man he's talking to couldn't care less, ''They're being controlled by ALIE, and we can save them!''  
  
''Forget it, Bellamy, words don't work on him. The last time I tried to talk to him, well,'' I say, checking the bodies - the pulse is already gone, ''If the next time he kills isn't out of absolute self-defense, I'm gonna get a little trigger-happy myself.''  
  
''Okay, stop that, alright?! We need to work this thing as a team or we're all dead,'' John complains. I throw him a blade - these fallen strangers won't need them anymore and who knows in what kind of pickle we'll end up. Extra blades can't hurt.  
  
''There's gonna be a lot more of these people if we don't move,'' Nathan says, ''Let's do this.''  
  
''I'll bring it down,'' Indra offers, getting to the elevator immediately.  
  
''Someone help me hide these bodies,'' I say, grabbing a pair of legs, ''Buy ourselves some time.''  
  
''Behind that container over there,'' John nudges toward it, hauling the other guard.  
  
''Once we're up, you blow the elevator and then climb,'' Bellamy instructs.  
  
''Destroy the ladder behind us,'' Bryan nods, ''On it.''  
  
''You do realize we don't have a way down, right?'' John asks.  
  
''A problem for another day,'' says Indra.  
  
''Let's go. Our ride's here,'' says Bell, though the elevator announces itself with a thud. John pries the door open, and I follow him inside, instinctively checking my gun again, getting it ready. Bellamy follows, but he falters when Octavia doesn't move.  
  
''Coming, O?''  
  
''If anything goes wrong down here, they'll need my help,'' she replies, ''We got this.''  
  
She closes the door before we even have a chance to say anything. Bellamy gives me a look, and I know he's thinking what I'm thinking, even though he'd never utter it. Not that we can afford to think about anything else right now.  
  
The ride up is too damn slow for my nerves. I know they can't possibly push the wheel any faster down there, so all we can do is wait as every nerve in me vibrates like the strings of a guitar. So we wait.  
  
And this is funny. Bellamy, John, and I. Together. As one, for once. Do or die. Who would have ever known? It's almost like we were meant to be here today, the three of us, everything we've been through so far leading us up to here. Like our fates have been intertwined since the beginning.  
  
''You get that we're screwed, right?'' John asks, ''ALIE already knows that we're coming.''  
  
''Yeah, but who broke? Was it Monty this whole time? Sean? Jasper??'' I think out loud, ''Good God, I can't even think about them right now. Pray they're not dead. You can bet your ass Raven's ALIE's target number two right now.''  
  
''Don't. No use thinking about that right now. This plan will work,'' Bellamy says with so much confidence that I feel almost compelled to believe him. Then he turns to John, ''Why are you here?''  
  
''I'm just trying to survive,'' John shrugs, but Bell gives a look that says he doesn't quite believe that. After another moment of reluctance, John gives in. ''You're not the only ones here trying to save someone you care about.''  
  
''Right,'' I nod, ''Jaha said there was a girl.''  
  
John gives me a look, like he's not sure whether he likes that I'm almost teasing him like in the good ol' days or if he wants to tell me to shut the hell up. Maybe because my nerves are on fire and one of my feet won't stop dancing against the ground, I need this to relieve pressure. I crack half a smile. He shakes his head disapprovingly with a smirk. It works.  
  
Then the elevator stops, so suddenly it's almost violent.  
  
''Oh, no,'' I say instinctively, a shiver going through my spine.  
  
''That's not good,'' John says.  
  
''No, no, it's not!''  
  
Then the door starts banging, and it gives me such a jump-scare that I'm literally thrown aback and I bump the wall behind me. Had it not been for the belt, I would have dropped my rifle too. Usually, I'm good at thinking on my feet and under pressure. Usually, I react well and quickly too. But right now? I don't know which way to turn.  
  
My hands are sweaty and my mind is trying to calculate what to do next, what my priority is. So much is happening on every front. As the outsiders try to pry the door open, Bellamy tries to keep them closed. I can't afford to be disoriented anymore.  
  
In the whole combustion of fear I finally settle and center myself, realizing that right now, someone is trying to kill us. I know that in another moment that door will open despite Bellamy's efforts, and I'll be of more use handling a gun than pointlessly pushing the door.  
  
The Grounders manage to open the door wide enough for a person to squeeze in, but John reacts fast. He shock-lashes the first intruder before Bellamy even remembers to tell him.  
  
There's at least three or four of them outside, and John can't shock them fast enough. Not only do they outnumber him, and evade him, but they also recover fast and get their grip back on the prize, and now one of them has a firm hold on Bellamy and is literally dragging him out, and though Bellamy keeps shouting for help and John keeps fending them off quickly, half of Bellamy's body is already outside.  
  
''Bellamy! Lean to the right! Now!''  
  
With all his remaining strength, Bellamy hauls himself to the right, exposing the attacker, and I deliver a perfect shot to the forearm that compels him to let go. The Grounder staggers back, John shock-lashes the one trying to take over, and when Bellamy pulls back and knocks out with a kick to the head what seems to be the last of them, he tries to pull the door back closed.  
  
But they jam again.  
  
''Are you kidding me?!''  
  
The last Grounder standing is pushing the door open with equal strength that Bellamy is trying to close it. Neither is budging, and it's taking too much time, and John can't reach the attacker with the baton, and I don't have a shot. I try to help push the door closed, but the Grounder is strong, and when Bellamy decides to take the risk of shoving the man out, he manages to push Bell back in instead.  
  
''Bellamy!''  
  
I collect myself quickly and punch the man square in the jaw, but another one springs up before this one can even stagger back. The next thing I know, a Grounder has punched John so hard, he literally lands on his back.  
  
Right now, I'm the only one pushing the door.  
  
''Somebody freaking help!!!''  
  
Bellamy kicks the man pushing against me straight in the face and gets the other side of the door, calling for Murphy to fend them off until we push the door back closed, but we're desperate and it's asking too much of him. The dozen of Grounders keep getting back onto their feet until one of them throws himself onto Murphy and inside the elevator.  
  
''John!!!''  
  
I can't push the door and watch this man - who appears to be an Arkadian - beat the life out of Murphy; but I know that if I let go of this door right now and move to help him, we're all dead.  
  
Bellamy and I push harder, and when the last of them tries to get in, Bellamy delivers another kick to the face. Blessedly, the elevator suddenly moves and we lurch forward. I leave the door to Bellamy immediately, grab my gun, turn around, and hit the unknown Arkadian in the head as hard as I can with the butt of my rifle. I don't know what I expected, but it certainly wasn't that he doesn't even fall over. Instead he turns around, gets up fast and punches me so hard, I stagger back. Then he's back on Murphy, or at least I assume he is as I'm trying to regain the ability to see.  
  
I wipe the blood trickling out of my nose and through the blurred lines see Bellamy fighting the man, one punch after another, but he's not overpowering him, and if John hadn't jumped back onto his feet to help, he never would have. Does ALIE have access to literally everything? It makes sense - if she can control the nerves and make the body not feel any pain, then she can center all of the person's physical strength too. Because there is no other explanation for the fact that the three of us can't take a single man down.  
  
Bellamy's trying to regain his breathing as the man now has John in a chokehold, and when I land a kick in the knee and try to pull them apart, he's barely deterred. All I manage is to get myself thrown aback, hitting the wall again, stars buzzing around my skull once more.  
  
He's not letting go of John.  
  
''Bellamy,'' I call weakly, but he's already got his gun out even before John calls for it, he's aiming at the man, centering himself, quieting his demons, knowing he has to do this, knowing he'll have to carry another life on his shoulders and more blood on his hands, but he has no choice.  
  
He shoots.  
  
The sound sends another wave of pain through my head, and I close my eyes as some of the blood sprays itself onto my face. The body's long fallen to the floor, and all I can hear now is John's wheezing. Bellamy gives him a hand and pulls him back onto his feet, placing a steadying and comforting hand on his shoulder. If we were in any other situation right now, I'd take a moment to appreciate this.  
  
''You okay?'' Bellamy places his hands on my face when he gets to me, looking into my eyes instead of looking for injuries.  
  
''Yeah,'' I breathe, nodding. With trust, he nods back in understanding, but before he pulls back he stops for a split-second, as though in a dilemma, considering whether he should do what he does next or not. Then he kisses my forehead anyway. It stirs a feeling inside of me that doesn't belong in the picture we're in.  
  
''Here,'' John gives me his bottle of water after taking a sip himself, ''It'll help.''  
  
''With a headache?''  
  
''Just drink,'' he all but shoves the bottle into my hands, mock-annoyed. I give in and drink a little, relishing in the fresh feeling spreading down my throat.  
  
''You're right, it does help,'' I almost sigh in relief as I hand him the bottle back.  
  
''Ok. Next move?'' he asks.  
  
''Now we prepare for the ambush,'' I say, ''You do know there's gonna be one, right?''  
  
''Right,'' Bell nods, ''First one up the elevator gets to throw the gas.''  
  
''You really do know how to get a girl going,'' I joke with a smirk, coaxing a small smile out of him.  
  
''I see that you two never got less disgusting,'' John grumbles.  
  
''Shut up,'' I say as Bellamy wraps his arms around my legs, propping me up so I can reach the shaft in the ceiling. Opening it up, I haul myself outside.  
  
''I love that we're doing this as the elevator moves, by the way,'' I can hear John say. The adrenaline multiplying now is almost exhilarating, and the fear's gone again. The air in my face from the moving elevator just adds to it, even though it's not even moving fast. I help John up, and Bellamy hauls himself up last, and then we just close the shaft, grab a handle to hold onto, and wait.  
  
The time passes fast and slow at the same time somehow, and then the elevator stops. I lurch forward again, but steady myself quickly. The echo of the explosion below is so faint that it makes me realize just how high up we are. John pulls gas masks out of his backpack, and once we put them on, we position ourselves - Bellamy with his hands already on the shaft, my hands already holding the bombs I'm almost over-encumbered with. I throw John a couple.  
  
''When I say _'now'_ ,'' Bell reminds. We nod.  
  
I can hear the elevator door draw open, and the sound of conversation of those that have stepped inside. They speak in Trigedasleng, but only bits and pieces reach my ears. I don't take my eyes off Bellamy.  
  
On his sign.  
  
''Wait,'' he whispers, ''Waaait...''  
  
''Any day now,'' John urges nervously.  
  
''Lids off.''  
  
I uncork the gas, and as the pink smoke starts spreading, I'm just about ready to jump out of my skin.  
  
Then Bellamy pulls the shaft open.  
  
''Now.''  
  
I throw the bomb inside so fast I don't even see who's down there before bodies start falling. I throw another one into the hallway, and the smoke is so thick and spreads so fast that I don't think we'll even need to throw another bomb.  
  
As a matter of fact, the smoke is _too thick_.  
  
''I can barely see,'' I complain, even with night vision on. At one point I'm so disoriented that I spin around my own axis, looking to all directions, seeing nothing. John squeezes through and I can feel him nudge me in the right direction as he takes point.  
  
''Throne room's this way,'' he says.  
  
John leads us through the long hallway, and I've lost count of the twists and turns. A sudden sense of urgency takes over me; what if we've taken too long? What if we're too late?  
  
Then we reach the end of the smoke.  
  
John's the first to throw his gas mask off, and I don't hesitate to follow. Then he breaks into a sprint.  
  
He's first to reach the room, and with the force of his entire body he breaks the door open. There, in the center of the throne room, I see Clarke, tied to a post, and I can't even completely register the horror she's in as she's crying out for help. Bellamy reacts quickly and shoots Jaha right as he's about to kill Ontari. John is already cutting the noose around Abby's neck and trying to get her to breathe. I don't even know or understand anything that's happened here, and I don't know when exactly my gun hit the floor below Clarke's feet either - all I know is that I need to free her.  
  
''What did they do to you?'' I ask as I tear the last of her binds, but she doesn't hear me.  
  
''Is she alive?! Is she okay?!''  
  
''It's okay, she's breathing,'' John says.  
  
''Jaha has the Flame, get it!'' she urges, and Bellamy is already on it, ''We can't let Ontari die, we have to stop the bleeding!''  
  
I drop onto my knees, next to this girl I don't know, pale and lying in a dark pool of her blood. I tear away a piece of the shirt below my vest, not knowing any better than to fold it and press it against one of her wounds, holding it firmly. John is fumbling with his hands, not exactly sure what to do.  
  
''I got the Flame,'' Bellamy announces.  
  
''Hurry,'' I say, stupidly, needlessly. The panic is back now. We gambled everything on this; Ontari can't die now.  
  
''Her pulse is weak,'' Clarke checks.  
  
''At least she's alive,'' Bellamy says, ''Here.''  
  
''Hold this to the other wound,'' she gives John some bandages, ''Come on.''  
  
''What are you gonna do?'' John asks.  
  
''I need a flashlight!'' Clarke panics as she rummages through his backpack.  
  
''First we take out the chip, then we put in the Flame,'' Bellamy explains as he pulls out the EMP.  
  
Finally, Clarke finds a small flashlight. She shoots a spray of light into Ontari's eyes, each one. Then she pauses a moment, before a look of pure horror strikes her.  
  
''Her pupils are unresponsive.''  
  
It's like my entire being sinks down into the heels of my feet.  
  
''What?'' Bellamy asks, ''What does that mean?''  
  
''She's brain dead,'' I mutter, feeling like I could float away with the first gentlest breeze.  
  
''She can't give us the kill code,'' Clarke shakes her head, trying not to break down, like it matters, ''It's over.''  
  
John sighs quietly, but I hear him; I hear it sound like someone's placed the whole planet to teeter between his shoulders. ''We're trapped here,'' he says.  
  
Maybe it's because I can't process everything as fast as I should, but the only thought that strikes me is that somehow deep down I always knew I'd die next to the people in this room.


	43. Chapter 43

  
_We're trapped here._

_We're trapped here._

_We're trapped here..._

Wake up, Natasha.

''How much time do we have?!''

''It's impossible to tell,'' Bellamy replies to me, ''It's gonna take 'em a while to get to us, but once they do... we don't stand a chance.''

''Then we buy ourselves time until we figure out what we _can_ do.''

''What are you suggesting?'' John asks.

When the door suddenly bursts open, every single one of us makes to grab for a weapon, but it's Octavia that enters, with familiar faces in tow. ''Friendlies, don't shoot,'' Pike announces.

''We need to secure the floor,'' O replies instead of me, ''Cover up every entrance. What happened here?!''

''Long story, tell you on the way,'' I say, grabbing my gun and John's backpack, ''Help me with Jaha.''

''If we're going to secure the floor, we need to eliminate every threat,'' Pike says, ''Not babysit them.''

''Then what do you suggest, round them up, death by firing squad?'' I growl, ''Or save the bullets and throw 'em out the windows? These people are innocent!''

''They won't be so innocent when they rise up again and try to kill us!''

''Alright, let me help you with that,'' Nate slings his gun back, interrupting the argument, grabbing Jaha below his arms and helping me lift him.

''Bryan, you okay?'' I can hear Bellamy ask as we carry Jaha out the door, and I have to turn around to see.

''He'll be fine,'' Nate assures me, urging me to keep moving, though I see a glint of worry in his eyes, ''The wound's not too serious.''

Serious or not, he'll have to keep standing now. Good God in heaven, how are we going to survive this day?

''Here,'' Nathan opens a door with his butt, revealing a small half-empty storage room. We place Jaha next to a wall, keeping him upright. Pulling out the rope from John's backpack, we tie both Jaha's ankles and wrists, making sure to tie them behind his back. Barely a moment later, Octavia comes in with an arm across her neck, dragging a sleeping man. This one's a Grounder, a young one at that, seemingly completely unharmed.

''Found him in the elevator,'' O explains, ''The gas is gone. How long do the effects last?''

''Hours,'' Nate replies, ''I only woke up once we were already secured in Mount Weather.''

Octavia nods, but for a moment her face mirrors mine - it's like we've just stepped on a nasty needle. Mount Weather seems like it happened ages, not three months ago, yet it's easy to forget that Octavia and I did not endure their horrors.

''There's more of them in the left wing,'' Bellamy says as he and Pike bring three more sleeping warriors, one of them a woman, ''We better hurry. Tie 'em up.''

Octavia barges out of the room the moment Pike enters it, and Nate and I follow. We find a few more of both Grounders and Arkadians in the left wing, and I don't know how much time it takes us to finish our task in this hectic mess. It's hard to have a sense of it. Knowing an overwhelmingly powerful enemy could get to us at any given moment makes everything else hard to grasp.

Once we're done with securing the people, we split up and get to blocking the entrance points. Nothing can truly block them, but at least it will slow down those advancing toward us. Bryan and I move more of the debris onto one of the left wing staircases, using everything we can to pile up more and more crap and block it further. By the time that's done, the Sun has definitely moved a bit lower in the sky.

''Now what?'' Bryan asks.

''Now we patch you up properly,'' I say, ''And join forces to brain-storm.''

''T, I don't think this is something we can just brain-storm through,'' Bryan says, giving in to his weakness when he drops into a limp. I react quickly and prop him up, his arm around my shoulders.

''That's not good. We need to dress that properly.''

''I'm good, I can fight-''

''Not in this state, you can't,'' I insist, ''Come on, Clarke has some supplies in there that can help. Besides, Nathan would have my skin for a horse saddle if I let anything happen to you on my watch.''

*

''Abby?!''

My eyes fall on her tear-stricken face, then on the EMP on the floor next to her. I know she's back, but it's hard to process it quickly. She doesn't say anything as she looks on with fear. As a matter of fact, it looks like Bryan and I have just interrupted a very scary conversation taking place between Clarke and the three men facing her. Bellamy, John and Pike look like they've just seen a ghost.

''What's going on?!'' I ask, the atmosphere suddenly making me nervous.

''I might have an idea-,'' starts Clarke.

''No, it's too dangerous,'' Abby interrupts her finally finding her voice and standing up, ''And there're too many variables.''

''But no options!'' Clarke turns to her.

Just as I'm about to ask what the hell is going on again, Octavia and Nathan run back into the throne room.

''Whatever you're doing, you better do it fast,'' Octavia says.

''Why, what happened?'' asks Bellamy.

''They're climbing.''

''How?!? We secured every entry point, we-''

Then it hits me.

They're not climbing on the inside, but on the outside.

Bellamy catches on faster, and when he runs out onto the balcony and we follow suit, what I see gives me an urge to puke.

Every single soul in Polis is amassing and getting ready to scale the tower.

''Oh, my God,'' I breathe, not just for us, but for all those that will undoubtedly plummet down into their deaths as well. No one in their right mind would attempt this folly, but ALIE doesn't care how many she sacrifices as long as she gets to us - and she will get to us. Some of them have already scaled a few floors.

''Well, guys,'' I swallow, ''Whatever you had in mind, now would be the time.''

*

John helps Abby spring up the Mount Weather equipment - he is the Flamekeeper and in charge of the Ascension after all. Even the thought of it is unusual, like he doesn't quite belong in the picture, but then again, he's always had a knack for ending up in completely unpredictable situations. Somehow, the fact that he ended up Ontari's Flamekeeper doesn't even surprise me really. I can't even imagine everything he's gone through while in Polis, everything he's witnessed. I know him; I know when there's new scars on his soul. And Polis gave him plenty. It's a good thing that this entire crappy little adventure of his gave him a new type of strength too. Perhaps even healing.

The rest of us split up and grease up every outside entrance point we can. Pike's gone to take care of the whole balcony; I do the windows in the hallway.

I don't want to watch Abby connect Clarke to Ontari with all the ugly tubes, so once I'm done and as we wait for the next rendezvous, I use the time to re-dress Bryan's wound. By the looks of it, he and Nate were right - it's not too deep nor did it get any of the internal organs. However, if we don't clean it and close it up properly, it could get infected. No, not could - _will_ get infected; it's just a matter of time. Unfortunately, it's also a problem for another day, if we survive this one.

''He alright?'' Bell asks me.

''Yeah.''

''I'm fine,'' Bryan says getting up, feigning more strength than he truly has, ''I'll go help Nate.'' Bellamy pats his shoulder and gives him an appreciative nod, his eyes telling more than words could. Bryan nods back in understanding, walking out while trying not to limp. And failing.

''It's gonna get infected,'' I say once Bryan is outside and out of ear-shot.

''You're doing all you can,'' Bellamy places a hand on my shoulder, ''For everyone.''

I nod, even though it doesn't feel like it. I am irrationally angry at myself for feeling as helpless as everyone else must feel. I can't be superhuman, and screw rationality right now, but it's pissing me off.

''Balcony's greased,'' Pike comes back with an empty canister, Octavia coming in from the other side, ''No one gets in through here.''

''Good,'' Bellamy says, ''There's enough lamp oil to cover every window on the floor except the Commander's chambers.''

''Then that's where the fighting starts. We'll dig in there,'' Pike says, moving out immediately. Octavia follows, right behind him, off to regroup with Nate and Bryan. With a ''Be careful'' from Bellamy, and only a nod in reply, Octavia walks away like a lioness. Even in these ridiculous odds against us, she is to me what every warrior should aspire to be. I don't see an ounce of insecurity in her, not even a shadow of fear. She inspires some of that in me, as she always does in everyone.

Then they're gone. If - when - the enemy gets through, they're our first line of defense. Bellamy, John and I are the last. Our lives before Abby and Clarke. And everyone else the two of them might save. I could have gone with the others, switched with Octavia, the better fighter. But I made a promise to Clarke. We split the burden.

It's time, Abby announces. I'm not ready. No one is. But it's time.

Watching the black blood finally enter her body, so very slowly, Clarke absolutely shudders with fear. I don't even know when exactly Bellamy's arm encircled my shoulders or when my face ended up against his chest, but I know I'm grateful for the support in this suffocating moment. My entire soul wants to claw its way out of my throat watching Clarke swallow another sob. She is so horribly terrified, yet so brave in the face of it. If she gives in to the tears, I'm afraid I might too. It would be so disgraceful - she is staying strong for all of us. The least we can do is stay strong for her. The least I can do.

''Hey,'' Bellamy tries to lighten the mood with a smile, ''Try doing that upside down.''

I thought I'd long gotten over those horrors, but Bellamy reminds me that I haven't. I bury my face into his shoulder, stealing a moment to gather myself and swallow everything back. He squeezes my forearm gently once, giving me the strength to pull back. When I do, I've put on a new brave face, and so has Clarke apparently.

''This will work,'' she says, trying to convince us, confidently.

''And if it doesn't?'' Abby asks, voice still on the brink of breaking.

''If it doesn't work, then she dies,'' John says.

''John,'' I warn, but I don't know why, it's stupid, even though Abby is her mother. He's only telling the truth.

''If she doesn't try, she dies with the rest of us when the climbers get here,'' John insists, confronting Abby, ''If we're going to do this, I need the Flame.''

''Mom, please,'' Clarke begs, ''He knows what he's doing. You have to let me go.''

Abby doesn't move, like a mountain between John and Clarke, her shadow seemingly looming over us like a force of nature. A mother.

Then she looks to me and Bellamy too. I don't know if it's heartbreak or fear that she sees in us, all of us. But she finally steps away.

My heart is thumping like crazy now, because it's happening, we're doing this. We're doing something never tried before, something that could kill Clarke perhaps as quickly as it did Emerson. The fact that we might be killing her ourselves brings back the cold sweat sending chills down my spine, and I shudder again. Even breathing is a chore until I calm down my heart. I think I might just die of fear, the kind of fear I don't remember knowing before. I try to keep on the brave facade, but I fail the moment the Flame is in John's hands. I can't contain the panic until I see that Clarke is okay.

Instinctively, I grab Bellamy's hand.

''Lean forward,'' John says. Obeying, Clarke closes her eyes. I get down and kneel right in front of her, my hands on her knees.

''Hey, everything's gonna be okay,'' I whisper, pushing some of her hair behind her ear, ''You're okay.'' She nods, extending a hand, and realizing just how terrified she is makes me almost choke. Bellamy takes the hand, afraid to squeeze too tightly, clasping her fingers. When he meets my eyes in that one moment, communicating it all, I see the fear he's almost always been able to hide. Not this time. Bellamy would die for his people, but there are only a few he would burn the world for. Clarke is one of them.

''Ready?'' John asks.

Clarke tightens her jaw and nods again, ''Do it.''

''Ascende superius.''

I can't watch this part. I can't watch it enter her body knowing it's what killed Emerson on the spot. So I don't look. But then Clarke throws her head back and starts wailing, crying, screaming, and the fear claws around my throat once again and I can't do anything except fall back on the floor.

And then it stops, as suddenly as it started. She just passes out.

''Clarke...?'' I call.

''Is she okay?'' Bellamy asks, sounding like he might just start crying. Clarke doesn't move, not even an eyelid.

''Her heart's racing,'' Abby says, feeling her up, checking her pulse, ''Get that thing out of her head.''

We stand frozen. John goes paler than I ever remember seeing him.

''I said, get that thing out of her head!!!''

''No!'' Clarke opens her eyes the moment John moves, ''No. Not yet.''

''Clarke-''

''Are you in any pain?!'' Abby grabs her face.

''No. I'm alright,'' she says, ''I know how to stop ALIE. I have to take the chip.''

''What?'' Bellamy scowls.

''I have to go into the City of Light and find the kill switch.''

''You have to be kidding me,'' I say.

''Yes, that sounds like a great idea,'' John quips sarcastically. This is his coping technique since I've known him, but sometimes his sarcasm makes me really want to smack him.

''Clarke, listen to me,'' Abby tells her, ''ALIE wants the Flame. If you take the chip, you're giving it to her. The second someone sees you, ALIE is gonna know that you're there. She'll kill you. If your mind dies, you die.''

''The Flame will protect me,'' Clarke says.

''What does that even mean?'' I stand up, ''Clarke-''

''I don't know how I know, I just... know,'' she says, and the genuine smile showing up on her face makes every hair on my body stand up. What's just happened to her? And more importantly, why the hell do I believe her? As creepy and freaky as it is.

''I believe you,'' Bellamy echoes my mind, bringing her one of the chips.

''Do you even know what you're looking for?'' Abby asks, really desperate now. She has to willingly risk her daughter's life; to say that that's not an easy feat would be an understatement. I can't even try to imagine what it must feel like, what it must take from her. I suddenly remember dad, not quite sure if he would have let me do something like this. Someone would have probably had to restrain him first.

God, I miss him.

But the dead are gone. We do this for the living.

''I'll know when I find it,'' Clarke tells her, with such confidence that I realize I now trust her blindly. I can see Abby swallow back another bout of tears before she kisses her daughter's head and whispers a ''May we meet again''.

''We will,'' Clarke replies, certainty dripping out of her voice.

''We'll keep you safe,'' Bellamy assures her, giving her the chip.

''Be careful, Clarke,'' I tell her, right as she swallows the key. She nods, before closing her eyes and drifting away, far far away from us.

*

''Bell, they're climbing,'' I say, looking as far out from the balcony door as I'm allowed, careful so as to not break my own neck, ''And they're falling.''

It's a scary sight to behold. Kind of mesmerizing too, when you're witnessing something bordering on impossible.

''How much time do you think we have?'' John asks.

''We need to hold them off for as long as it takes Clarke to hit the kill switch,'' I say, ''Not a minute less. I don't care how much time it takes.''

''The Commander's chambers are our biggest worry,'' Bell says, ''If they're climbing this fast, it won't be long before they hit them.''

''So what, do we go help them?'' I ask, ''Someone needs to guard Clarke.''

''And we will,'' replies Bellamy, ''You stay here, I'll go check on the others. Won't be long.''

*

Clarke hasn't moved since she went under, and Abby hasn't left her place beside her, never taking her eyes off Clarke, looking for the smallest sign of anything. John and I, on the other hand, haven't been able to stop pacing around, guns ready in our hands, palms sweatier than I like them. Bellamy's barely been gone a few minutes and it still feels like an eternity.

''We need to calm down,'' I say, willing myself to lean against one of the windows and try not to move for a minute.

''That's kind of hard with all of them crawling up our necks,'' he nudges his head toward the climbers. I don't look. I've been looking all this while.

''They're not getting through here,'' I say, ''Them breaching is out of our hands. A warrior doesn't worry about what they can't control,'' I add, remembering what Octavia said once.

''Alright, zen master,'' John leans against the other window, ''Let's just not worry then.''

''Okay, I know it's impossible,'' I say, ''It's just that there's nothing we can do except wait. Either way.''

''If Clarke doesn't make it in time-,'' he starts with a voice lower, though I don't think Abby would have heard him either way.

''She will.''

''If she doesn't,'' he insists.

''Then we fight, for as long as we can. I'm just glad we're together,'' I say. It's true. If we have to die, then at least we get to go together, all of us. And maybe it's morbid, but it's insanely comforting for some reason. If I had to stand alone... Just imagining it makes me shudder. It's terrifying.

John gives in to a half-smile, like it's escaped him.

''So who's the girl?'' I ask, forcing a smile and a distraction upon the both of us.

John pauses a moment, like talking about this is still too weird for him, ''Her name's Emori,'' he finally says, ''She saved my life. In more ways than one.''

''Were you happy?''

''It's not like I had much to compare it to. But yeah. Happiest I'd ever been, I think,'' he says, eyes cast down onto the floor, ''Then that went to ruin too.''

''We'll bring her back,'' I say, grabbing his wrist, and it sounds like more of a promise than I intended it to.

''You don't know that.''

''We're betting everything on it,'' I say, knowing I'm good at making people believe things even I don't, ''Clarke's gonna make it. And then you can take Emori and go wherever the hell you want and send me a letter via pigeon every once in a while.''

He huffs out a laugh. Feeble, but it's something. I can't help but grin myself.

''Don't get me wrong, I'd much prefer if you stayed, but knowing you...''

''I might stay,'' he says, like it's nothing, just a casual off-hand comment. I'm completely dumbfounded for a moment. Because that's not just a sentence coming from John Murphy. That's accepting us as his people again. Going back to where it hurt most just so he can give the place a second chance. Try to call it home again, though it failed the first time. Not a second chance, not even a third. I'm amazed at this boy's strength, at his bravery, after and despite everything.

I collect myself quickly, ''Good. That's good. 'Cause I feel like we have a lot to catch up on.''

The sound of Ontari thrashing against the table tears us both away from the cozy distraction.

''Abby?''

''Abby!!''

Abby gets to Ontari quickly, but the girl is seizing, so there's not much to do except panic and wait until it's over. When her body finally stills again, apparently so does her heart.

''What's going on?!'' I ask.

''She's crashing,'' Abby panics, getting to CPR quickly.

''Abby,'' I call, fear consuming me again, ''Clarke has a nosebleed.''

''She's not getting enough Nightblood,'' Abby explains, ''Her body is slowly rejecting the Flame.''

_BOOM BOOM BOOM_ , echoing down the hallways.

''What the hell is that?!''

_BOOM BOOM BOOM_

''You need to take over, do exactly as I'm doing,'' Abby says, ignoring me and the rest of the world, ''Come on.''

John takes over, massaging Ontari's heart just the way she's showed him.

''If the blood stops flowing through this tube, Clarke's brain will liquify,'' explains Abby.

''Okay, she's seizing too. She's seizing!'' I panic, watching the spittle rush down Clarke's chin as her whole body thrashes against the chair she's strapped on to.

_BOOM BOOM BOOM  
_  
''It's not working,'' Abby says, ''Open her shirt,'' she orders John, grabbing her tools, ''She's still not getting enough blood, we have to increase Ontari's heartbeat.''

''I'm not gonna like this, am I?'' John asks, not expecting an answer.

_BOOM BOOM BOOM  
_  
''Something's going on,'' I say, too consumed by the noise to even properly react to Abby cutting Ontari open. And where the hell is Bellamy?!

''Abby, you need to move faster, okay?!'' John urges her.

Abby literally pulls Ontari's heart out of her chest now, pumping it manually. It's black and it's alive and it's outside of Ontari's body, and this sight will probably catch up with me later.

_BOOM BOOM BOOM  
_  
''Get over here,'' Abby orders John, ''I need you to pump her heart.''

''What? Are you crazy, I'm not gonna pump her hea-''

''John, I need to go! If you can't handle it, tell me,'' I growl, ''In which case grab a gun and go help them!''

''Now!'' Abby cries.

John swallows something heavy, before he wraps his hand around the Source of Life - Clarke's, Ontari's, the life of all of us. Fighting a shudder, he starts pumping. I can't help the urge to kiss his cheek.

Then I make a run for it.

 


	44. Chapter 44

 

 

The noise echoes through my bones as I follow it, and I think I've known all along what it is and what is happening, I'm just afraid to say it until I see it.

And then I see it.

''This isn't gonna hold for long!'' Bryan shouts.

''What the hell-,'' I take off running, grabbing for the first thing I can to add to the makeshift barricade they're trying to hold. The furniture piled up won't stand for a long while no matter how hard they're pressing against it. Every time the people on the other side bang on that door, the whole thing wants to fall apart.

''How the hell did they even get in here?'' Nate asks, as I'm trying to focus and ignore the pain of something poking me in the ribs as the door rumbles and the barricade moves. Every hit is a step closer to a reckoning. Any moment now. Breathe, Tasha. Empty mind. All that matters is giving Clarke the time she needs. Stay alive long enough.

''Doesn't matter!'' Bellamy replies over the noise, ''This is where we make our stand!''

''Sounds like there's a lot of 'em,'' Nate says, ''Maybe time to go to guns.''

''I never left mine,'' I reply over the increasingly terrifying sounds. Nate looks at me, trying to communicate something, but all I see are tiny slivers of worry and fear. I never wanted it to come to this, but I made a promise. If this is what splitting the burden means, then I'll carry my half.

''We've got something better than guns,'' Pike says, leaning against the wall, ''Surprise.''

''What happened to you?'' I ask. His leg wound looks worse than Bryan's. Pike doesn't reply to my question but looks down for a moment instead. No one else says anything either, but the way Bellamy looks at me allows me to guess. I'm not surprised, or particularly sorry, as long as they take their beef elsewhere and after this shit is done. We don't have to like it, but we need every standing soldier to get out of this mess. Whatever Pike and Octavia are doing can't jeopardize the rest of us. I won't stand in the way of her revenge - no one will ever be able to stop whatever she has in mind - but she needs to do whatever she needs to do when I'm not around. I'm over Pike and whatever he once meant to me, but I won't not interfere either. Not just to save his ass, but to save all of us.

''We can't afford this crap,'' I grumble, pushing hard against the door, ''How about that surprise?''

*

''This better work smoothly,'' I mutter, to no one in particular, trying to shake the jitters as we wait. I have a feeling Octavia volunteered for this to in a way rectify her mistake, to do whatever's in her power to make up for it now. Because whatever the hell it was that happened in there, something tells me ALIE wouldn't have advanced this fast if not for Pike and O.

But here we are. No use thinking back. We've done all we can to the extent of out powers- we've flooded the hallway and put up the platforms needed and now Octavia just has to fool them for long enough so that ALIE doesn't figure out the trap right away. Everything that comes next rests solely on this. It has to work.

''Any moment now,'' Bell says, a baton ready in his hand. The sounds of the door breaking are only getting more frequent. _BOOM BOOM BOOM_ , at an accelerated pace. They're close.

''You do know this might kill them,'' I remind, ''At least some of them.''

''We don't have a better choice.''

The spell is broken and the noise suddenly stops for one sliver of a moment, only to be followed by a loud clang of the barricade falling apart all over the hallway. The metal door hitting the floor echoes through, reverberating in my very ribcage.

_''Wait, Kane!''_ I hear Octavia's voice from around the corner, _''I give up. I'll take the chip.''_

_''Good. No one else has to die. Ever. Maybe you can convince your mentor of that."_

_"Indra's alive?"_

_"Yes. On the cross...''_

''Oh, my God,'' I whisper.

_''... Suffering, needlessly."_

_''NOW!!!''_ Octavia all but screams.

Nathan and Bellamy leap into the hallway with the agility of wild cats. I don't dare watch; I don't dare look if they've made it safely onto the platforms - I only listen until the buzzing of the electricity through the water stops. When it does, I peek out. A pile of bodies clutters the entire hallway, hopefully electrocuted into a sleep and nothing else. The water looks safe now - the batons should be completely useless.

''Charge is clear!'' Bellamy announces.

''Hurry up,'' Pike urges, ''Let's get their weapons.''

Running to the pile of bodies, I get to quickly checking a few pulses. We can't afford to really check, not everyone, but I need to get a sample of the situation. I feel blood pumping wherever I place fingers, though, so most of them will get back up. Which is good and absolutely horrible at the same time.

''I don't think they'll be out for long,'' I say, grabbing for a sword. Only when my hand wraps around the hilt do I realize it's familiar. ''No,'' I whisper, grabbing hold of a man I don't know and rolling him over to reveal the body to whom the sword belongs to.

Rand.

''No,'' I fall on my knees into the water quickly, feeling up the carotid artery immediately. There's a pulse, and stronger than I expected it to be. ''You'll be fine,'' I whisper like he can hear me, in something that would normally be relief, ''You won't be among all those I failed to save. Not you.''

''Come on, we need to go,'' Bell urges, so I strap Rand's sword on and grab all the weapons in my pile, before we turn to run back. The water behind us almost makes a melody in the wake of our feet.

*

By the time we're finished barricading the throne room door, it's already started banging. The sound of this will be the theme of my nightmares for nights to come if we survive this, I know it.

''This is it,'' Bellamy announces, throwing Bryan a bat, ''Keep Clarke safe! Give her time. They're unarmed and they won't feel pain. They won't stop until they're out cold."

Not just Clarke. John can't let go of Ontari's heart and defend himself, and if they get to either him or Ontari, that's Clarke's death as well.

''Copy that,'' Nate says, nodding, ''Go for the knockout.''

I draw Rand's sword. They won't feel any pain but maybe I can land some blunt blows. Bullets can't really knock out a person, unless it's forever, so I don't have a better choice. The rifle remains across my back as last resort. I've long made my peace with the possibility.

''Please, Rand, just stay back,'' I mumble through my teeth, praying to an absent being, watching the barricade tremble. The people outside growl with every hit; they're using every ounce of their strength to get through.

_BOOM._  
_BOOM._  
_BOOM._

The furniture moves. At first just a little bit, then a bit more, and then it parts enough for a person to push through. I tighten my grip on the sword-hilt, ready for a swing, because when the first person pushes through the opening, the next avalanche blows the door wide open and sends the makeshift barricade all across the room.

And it's like ALIE does this on purpose, and I bet she does. She would, wouldn't she? Send a loved one your way so when you fight you're deterred by an emotional response.

She picked the wrong person. Even if she'd chipped me, she wouldn't have accounted for this. My mind's simply been through too much to be shaken up so easily now.

When Rand lunges at me, it's like I see him for the first time. He's never looked this big and menacing, never so cold and terrifying. He's like a force of nature. It's like his shadow alone looms over the whole room, and for a moment I'm taken aback. I avoid his first strike by ducking below his arm and switching places, but when I half-twirl around to counter-attack I'm met with a fist in my jaw.

Luckily, the angle doesn't allow him to hit me hard enough to disorient me, even though it hurts like a motherfucker. But he shouldn't have been able to hit me at all. He can't be this fast; he never _was_ this fast. When I collect myself and strike again, he avoids me flawlessly, and then when I try to hit him with the flat of his sword, he evades again. How does he know what I'll do before I do it? I've never revealed my moves before, Indra's training made sure of that. Can ALIE calculate what I'll do next based on the time Rand and I trained together? Holy fucking shit.

Rand uses the tiny moment of my bewilderment to throw himself at me and ram me back into a wall, knocking half the air out of my lungs and blocking the half that's trying to get in with his forearm pressed against my throat. The force of my back hitting the wall made me drop the sword and I'm empty-handed, and the realization that I'm losing this fight urges me that I have to do better, somehow, anyhow, do something, just one up on him.

I need to get free fast because my vision is already specked with tiny blots indicating lack of oxygen; and I know Rand's strength - he could crush me like a fly. I can't match that. My forte isn't sheer strength; it's never been. What's kept me alive all this time is my resourcefulness. But how do you fight a computer that knows what you'll do before even you do? Think, Natasha. _Think!_

The emptiness in his eyes isn't helping. As he stares down at me, his eyes not leaving mine, face completely emotionless, like he has a circuit board inside his chest instead of a heart, it's making it hard for me to think. So I close my eyes. Ignoring the pain of a soon broken larynx if I don't do something, I try to think. I've long zoned out the rest of the battle in this room. It's just Rand and me now, and he's intent on killing me.

I feel the gun against my back, and perhaps I could reach it and perhaps there's room to shoot, but even now I know I can't do that. I can't kill him. For all I've learned and for all I've been trained to do, I cannot shoot the man who saved my life more than once and in more ways than one. Not him.

My first instinct is to draw myself in and bow toward him a little bit more so some air will reach inside, but he's taught me that move, and he expects that, and when I do that he'll head-butt me and send my head back and my throat will crack under pressure and in this instant of my mind working faster than even ALIE's algorithm, I use my fingers. He may not feel any pain, but I'll be damned if he can fight disorientation and lack of vision.

I don't even have time to hope I haven't damaged his eyes forever as he staggers back disoriented, because a Grounder girl react fast when she strikes at me. But I don't think ALIE can transfer information faster than I can strike back. I evade the first hit, punch the girl in the face, use the moment to grab her and send her against the wall with all my strength, and land a final blunt blow to the head with the pommel of the sword I'm quick enough to grab off the floor. The girl blacks out.

Someone grabs my shoulders and pulls me back before I'm sent against the wall again. Rand. He's trying to uselessly blink away the damage to his eyes, but he sees enough to know where to hit. Only I know where he'll hit too. ALIE may be able to calculate my moves, but I know Rand. If I can't defeat him, at least I can avoid him long enough and keep him busy.

Which is exactly what I'm trying to do as others close in on me. I manage to fight them off, but with every hit it gets more difficult with Rand constantly and relentlessly on my back and the people getting in just about multiplying. I stand alone, and I'm getting tired. It won't be long before I'm overpowered. Clarke needs to hurry up.

Ducking and evading another blow from Rand, I spot Bellamy across the room, fighting Kane, and all my suspicions are confirmed. ALIE does do this on purpose. She calculates even this. But I can't spare another glance.

I manage another round before I get too obviously tired; I'm getting sloppy and I'm no longer careful enough. I'm catching too many hits and they're starting to come way too often. I'm forced to cut a boy down - I'm sure he's a boy because there is no way he can be over fifteen - and see him fall down to bleed out. He doesn't feel it, but he's dying. There's no realization in his eyes that he is. Yet his body can't hold itself together. And as I get exhausted and Clarke takes more time, I get more desperate. I realize I'm losing the mental fight now at least. I've turned to killing.

A gun shot somewhere in the room startles me, and I don't even know who it came from, but I realize I'm not the only one desperate anymore.

The next time Rand lunges at me, he wins. I'm too tired to see it coming, and since he decides there's no fight in me left, he gets past me and runs for Clarke.

I jump back into reality and run after him and when Abby raises her gun to shoot Rand straight in the head I hear myself shout. ''No!!! Abby, don't!!!!'' I howl as I run, but she's only hesitating until she's sure I can't reach him in time. Then she'll shoot.

I slide against the floor and sweep Rand off his feet at the very last moment. When Abby shoots, it goes over our heads and hits a wall. I roll over and straddle Rand, landing a punch I no longer have nearly enough strength for. It's a blow, but it's not enough. He fights back with more strength, trying to switch places with me, but I somehow manage to stay on top of him and land another blow, and another, and another, but they're weaker and weaker each. I receive more pain from the blows he sneaks through my grasp than I give to him.

Desperately, I grab for his throat. Immediately, Rand grabs my wrists to try and pry my hands away. I doubted this course of action before I even tried; I know I won't be able to hold for long. ''Go to sleep, go to sleep, pleaaaseee, Rand, go to sleep!'' I growl through my teeth, but he is so strong, so much stronger than I could ever dream of being.

With another surge of strength, Rand rolls us over like I weigh no more than three pounds. The moment makes me let go of him and my head hits the tiles below, but now our roles are reversed - it's Rand that straddles me and it's his hands around my throat, suffocating me again.

This time he'll succeed. I know this. Unless Clarke hits the kill-switch in the next couple of minutes, I'm dead. I don't have any fight in me left. I'm too tired and beat down. I can ignore the pain from everywhere but I can't summon the strength that's no longer there.

My throat hurts from Rand's grip, but the lack of oxygen is making everything else hurt. The pain in my skull is making it ten times worse - if I hadn't been handed so many fists at least I would have died more easily, more gently. My lungs burn from the lack of air and nothing's coming through no matter how hard I try to inhale or pry Rand's hands off me. Yet nothing hurts more than the dead look in his eyes. Nothing brings me as much pain as knowing he'll stay like that - dead inside forever - if we fail. Which is exactly what's happening. We're failing. We're dying. I can't stop ALIE killing the humanity in Rand, nor can I stop him killing me.

That I should die with the hands that nursed me back to health clasped around my throat, squeezing the air out of me. That the one person that handed me my life back should be the one to take it. As I'm slowly losing consciousness, using the last of my strength to fight off the blackness, I wonder if God's really this cruel. Or is he there at all? Maybe this isn't God, just ALIE. Just a computer failing at being human, when the impossible should have never been expected of it.

A tear escapes me, but I'm not sure if it's the tear duct reacting to the pressure or me shedding tears for our fates. Maybe it's both. Maybe the tears must be shed, like the only poetic justice we'll ever get. For all those that I love and have loved, for Bellamy and for John, and mostly -in this moment - for Rand. In this moment of resignation, of full acceptance, I am at some odd sort of peace knowing I'd rather he take my life than... Well, I think I just couldn't ever take his.

Then the hands around my throat let go.

I grasp for air, inhaling it almost violently, trying to get it back all at once, so that even my heart hurts from the impact, my entire chest being clawed at. When I regain all of my vision, Rand is still on top of me, only he's no longer expressionless. Far from it - he looks horrified, traumatized, broken, violated and guilty somehow all at once. He stares at his trembling hands in sheer terror before his eyes fall upon me. Then they're clouded by tears faster than I've ever seen anyone tear up.

I know he's back, but my mind can't process it immediately. My first instinct is to pull myself back and away from him, storming through a coughing fit that's burning my insides. He's still on his knees, his hands still in front of him, shaking horribly. I know he's in a lot of pain right now that it's all hitting him at once, but he ignores it completely. He's completely consumed by his almost murderous hands and the one he almost murdered right before him. Then the tears fall.

I've never seen him cry before. He's not truly crying either, the tears are just falling effortlessly, like rain. It's such an odd sight that all I can do is crawl to him and hug him quickly and squeeze tight and try not to cry myself. Tears escape me nevertheless, the saltiness stinging where it meets the cuts in the side of my face.

''It's alright,'' I whisper, ''We're alright.''

''I'm sorry,'' he says, ''I'm so sorry.''

''We're okay now,'' I swallow a lump, ''You're back.''

The moans of pain are starting to spread around the room, every injury these people have had under ALIE suddenly kicking in. Rand and I both get back to ourselves and pull back so that we can be of use, but not before he places a hand on my cheek and says ''Moch of, ai lukot.'' ( _''Thank you, my friend.''_ )

''Come on,'' I smile, ''Let's help these people.''

The first thing he does is he rushes over to a wounded Grounder girl.

My eyes fall on Bellamy. He looks as bad as I probably do right now, but the happiness that overcomes me at the sight of him overshadows everything else. To see him still standing is all I could have ever asked for. When he looks back at me, eyes glistening, I don't waste another second before I run and throw my arms around him.

Whatever I tried to hold back now pours out of me. Somehow, even through all the blood and metal and dirt and sweat I can still feel it - that distinct scent of Bellamy - and combined with his warmth and his arms around me, it completely overwhelms me. When he pulls back, I expect him to say something or at least just nod, but he completely surprises me when he grabs my face and kisses me.

It doesn't last longer than a couple of seconds but it's so urgent and eager and so full of everything neither of us could possibly ever say, that I think my knees will give in and I'll fall. More tears escape me, and before I can think about wanting to punch myself for them, he pulls back, only to hug me again, this time with a hand on the back of my head, like I'm a baby he must protect and never let go of again.

And I don't want to let go either, but I have to. When we pull back, things catch up with us.

Clarke is back.

''Hey,'' I can't help grinning through the tears, even as I try to stop them, ''Thanks for saving my ass just now.''

She gives a small smile, but I can tell it's forced and I can't blame her. She'll need a lot of time to entirely recover from this. She's sick and exhausted and she can't get up without Bellamy giving her some support and helping her stand.

Across the room from us, John is still hugging the girl I assume is Emori, like he's afraid to let go. He catches my eye over her shoulder and gives me a small nod that tells me more than a bunch of words ever could. I nod back with a smile. My chest literally swells with the happiness I feel for him.

''ALIE's gone,'' Clarke finally says, like she has to say it out loud for her to truly believe it, to make it real.

''And she's never coming back,'' I shake my head with a grin again, but Clarke looks like nothing can coax another smile out of her.

''Clarke, you're not acting like someone who's just saved the world,'' Bellamy reads my mind, worry etched all over his face again.

''Because we didn't,'' Clarke replies, ''Not yet.''

A grunt and the sound of steel tearing flesh suddenly rips us out of our stupor, and when I turn around and look toward the source, I see Pike.

Pike with a sword through his gullet, Octavia's hand on its hilt.

No one moves. Everyone in the room just stares. I don't really breathe.

When Octavia pulls the sword out and Pike falls down, she just walks out, not even looking back. And I know she's not coming back either. And that there'd be no use in stopping her. Bellamy knows too, that's why he doesn't even so much as try.

I make myself step forward, for the both of us. And this time around, I'm not letting him deal with this shit alone.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am planning another book in the series because I love my OCs as much as I love this amazing show, so look out for it! :)


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